Topic ID: 31360
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dpontiu
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 22
Joined: 09 Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: My Life |
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Got To Get You Into My Life
Sitting Waiting Wishing
All Along The Watch Tower,
Sweet Emotion
Spirit In The Sky,
All I Can Do Is Write About It
All These Things That I’ve Done,
Another Brick In The Wall
Look Into My Eyes
Heart Of Gold,
Reelin In The Years
All Day And All Of Night,
Do You Remember
Edge Of Seventeen,
Rock ‘N’ Roll High School
Born To Run,
Last Dance With Mary Jane
Beautiful Disaster
With A Little Help Of My Friends
Time After Time,
Another One Bites The Dust
Happiness Is A Warm Gun,
All Mixed Up
Behind Blue Eyes,
Do You Feel Like I do
Beautiful Day,
Don’t Bring Me Down
Detroit Rock City
College Girls are Easy
Don’t Do Me Like That,
Afternoon Delight,
Comfortably Numb
All My Life
All I Want To Do,
Have It All
Eight Days A Week
I know You See It
People Are Strange,
Cold As Ice
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap,
Click Click Boom
Cry Cry Cry,
Dear Mamma
Three Times A Lady,
What You Give
Love Ain't No Stranger
Love You To
Right Now
Here’s To The Night,
I’m A Believer
I Cross My Heart,
Blinded By The Light
I Feel Free |
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dpontiu
New Member
Gender:
Age: 22
Joined: 09 Jun 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Any Feedback would be greatly appreciated. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
400 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my lord. That's a lot of song titles in a poem. I'm sorry but they distracted me completely from the message, and I had to go back and re-read it again. So yes, it turned me off big time. Also, the capitalization adds to the difficultly I had reading this. Just Imagine I Started Doing It Right Now For No Reason. Hehe. Sorry, but you get what I mean.
I liked this in theory, though. I love to see people take risks in poetry. That's what it's all about in my opinion, although, for risks to work- we have to survive on the nerve to pull them off. And I'm not quite sure if it worked this time, but it's encouraging to see nonetheless.
Now, you may be wondering-why didn't I pull this off in your opinion? Well here's what I think. You started each new line with an idea, attempting to fit it in with the idea above it, and failed to develop anything. As tragic as poetry is sometimes, the reader loves when things are resolved, tied together by a string of rhythm, rhyme and poetic devices. You did have rhythm, but then you lost it. Don't lose it. Go through your work and butcher it with a red pen, and make it 'show' the reader within an inch of it's life.
Punctuation as well. Never forget the importance of this, it is what tames the rawness of your thoughts so we can read them properly.
I hope this helps- but kudos given to you for some of the song choices! 'Afternoon delight?' Amazing song from an amazing film!
And I see that you're new! Welcome to YWS! Please just take a moment to look over the Rules and Guidelines- we do ask that each member reviews a least two stories/poems before posting work- and this goes for the entirety of your membership. And please, if you need any help navigating or want something reviewed, private message me and I'll get back to you asap.
Have fun, and good luck!
Eimear xx |
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7054
Reviews: 1751
Country: Riverbluff, MO
450 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 5:09 am Post subject: |
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Eimear already comments on capitalization so I won't even comment on it at all.
This looks more like a playlist than a poem. It would have been cute had it worked - but it didn't. Instead of using someone else's words, use your own. It will have more meaning. This, as I said, doesn't make any sense. It has no flow, no organization, I can't even see a general plot emerging from the song titles. I can't tell at all what it is.
Throw it away then buy a book of poetry. If you want to write poetry, I highly suggest you read a lot of it. It's the best way to learn. If this had any redeeming qualities (Eimear commented on your risk taking - and I agree it's good. But thats a quality of you as a writer, not of the poem.) I wouldn't be so harsh, but there is nothing about it that can be saved.
If you do not want to buy a book of poetry, there are several good authors on here to choose from: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Cade, Caligulas Launderette, Via, and many others. Any of their poems will give you a greater insight into poetry.
Good luck. |
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