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RandomGrrl
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Country: Wherever the Cheese, thus shall I follow.
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 4:38 am Post subject: Talk About It |
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Talk About It
"Maybe," they say," You just need
to talk about it."
But I'm sure I don't want to. That it's
a bad idea.
"Come on," they say, "You'll feel better!
Talk about it!"
Sure, like hell I'll feel better. 'Getting it
out there.'
But they're still
pushing for details. So I tell them.
"Dead. She's dead. Shot. In the stomach.
No, don't know how many times. Yeah, he's dead
too. The guy
that did it.
They got him. He's gone too. So, guess it sorted
itself out."
And faces drop, smiles fall a million
miles, down to the ground. Eyes turn
gray.
"Oh," they say. And I know:
They didn't really want me to
talk about it. They didn't
really care; didn't really want to know.
After all,
who does want to know when
a friend
has died;
was murdered.
Most people want to shake their head and
go on their way.
They don't really want to
talk about it. |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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| i liked it i was a strong poem and it said something |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
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Posts: 646
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Country: In a Dickens novel
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:11 am Post subject: |
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Hey, haven't seen you around before. I'm Eimear, pleased to meet you! Ok, onto the poem. The first thing that struck me was that it seemed more like prose than poetry. It really did. I actually think that this could work both ways, although as a poem it does need quite alot of work. The punctuation is a bit jumpy and it makes for a hard read sometimes. Let me tell you what ares I think you need to develop on, all just my own suggestions of course:
1.Flow This doesn't read smoothly, and there's a strange structure to it. Read it out loud. It's hard to do quickly, isn't it? This bit especially is somewhat of an eye-full- and mouth-full:
| Quote: |
Talk about it!"
Sure, like hell I'll feel better. 'Getting it
out there.'
But they're still
pushing for details. So I tell them. |
I would suggest re-ordering this into stanzas, even just as an experiment, because it might look, and read a lot better. I often find that it takes me a good half an hour to fiddle with the structure of mine. Whether it yields great results is a different debate, but it's good practice and makes me feel more confident that my poem will be easy to read.
2. Show, don't tellThe old ace card up the reviewer's sleeve. And yes, I pulled it. In this poem your message was very clear, and it did in fact touch me. I cared about the speaker. But I don't think everyone will feel the same. Poetry is an art because we as poets have special tools to convey our thoughts and emotions about a particular event without actually having to yell it at the reader. I think this poem would be truly great if you used more devices. This can be from the very simple imagery, to irony, personification, ect. ect. I would suggest that you read- I often recommend this to people a poem called 'Break, Break, Break' by Alfred Lord Tennyson. It's a great example of a speaker using the waves of an ocean to represent grief.
3. Rhythm/ Rhyme Of course, we all know that poetry does not have to rhyme. But it does help the overall flow if it has a rhythm. This work did not have a strong backbone of any kind of rhythm, and I think it let the piece down. Again, I personally find that I have a rhythm mapped out in my head before I write my poem. also find that read it out loud and counting the syllables of each line help.
4. Speech in poetry I feel this was over used in this piece. The theme, or one of them in this piece is communication, broken communication at that. I think it would have been more effective to use speech only once or twice.
I really hope this helps because I really liked this poem.
Eimear |
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Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:29 am Post subject: |
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ZOMG! I think this might be the first thing of yours I have ever commented on! So lots of apologies... I should have been looking harder. But better late than never, right? 
First of all, and this is a compliment, your style reminds me of Robert Frost's style. He uses dialogue in his poetry quite frequently, and to a wonderful effect, to make us go beyond the imagery and to give a window of the human soul. So it's really quite cool that you're doing this. Not so many people can pull this sort of style off. 
With that said, I would probably edit your poem this way:
"Maybe," they say," You just need
to talk about it."
But I'm sure I don't want to. That it's
a bad idea, but they're still
pushing for details. So I tell them,
"Dead. She's dead. Shot. In the stomach.
No, don't know how many times. Yeah, he's dead
too. The guy
that did it.
They got him. He's gone too. So, guess it sorted
itself out."
And faces drop, smiles fall. Eyes turn
gray. "Oh," they say. And I know:
They didn't really want me to
talk about it. They didn't
really care; didn't want to know.
After all, who wants to know when
a friend has died?
was murdered?
Most people shake their head and
go on their way.
They don't really want to
talk about it.
^ Ugh, I would play around with the line breaks. It doesn't quite work yet. But you're closer to the poem... I bet you could come up with something better. ^_^ Still! Notice what I deleted. I think the stuff I deleted was better deleted, simply because it made the writing that much more stark and lonely.
Anyway, happy editing! PM me when you edit it with YOUR improvements. |
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Mad
Novelist
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Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 274
Reviews: 227
Country: Petersfield, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked the way that you've fractured the lines throughout the poem. I thought that it was extremely effective.
| Quote: |
And faces drop, smiles fall a million
miles, down to the ground. Eyes turn
gray. |
Not too keen on your description here, it seems at odds with the more simplistic diction you had been using early - the say little using simpler words without the unnecessary frills of elaborate description. And so I think you, perhaps unconsciously, revert to something that is less effective and has an adverse effect upon the flow of your poem and the reader's ability to associate.
Other than that I can't suggest to much that you need to change. Perhaps work a little on the line breaks toward the latter part of poem because it's more erratic than before and I can't say that it serves to construct the same fractured effect as it does in the opening lines.
For example:
| Quote: |
They didn't really want me to
talk about it. They didn't
really care; didn't really want to know.
After all,
who does want to know when |
Some of the breaks here are rather haphazard and just slow things down (not the good type of slowing).
I thought this was very good. |
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Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound
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robyns37
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 9
Country: A mountaintop covered in a fresh coat of snow where nothing can be heard except the music of my mind
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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| I kinda agree with some of the other posters on this forum. The structure is a little odd. I think that this fragmentation that you did would work in some cases but not in the whole poem. I liked the theme, and the idea, but it was just a little difficult to read. In general, nice job though. |
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but if they aren't, write about them.
And if they are, write about them.
Just Write. |
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