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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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 Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 9:03 pm Post subject: Cherry Blossom Petals |
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The cherry-blossom petals
are falling like tears
into my hair.
This is not just
some lovers' tryst
in a world of Snow Whites,
with the fear-hungry birds
coming so close
we could almost
clip their wings
were we not
the ones in flight.
No this,
this is
the catalyst
of all my stubborn values,
this is
snow-globe confinement
in which I can breathe,
petals swirling,
sun approaching,
no sweet nothings,
just
picturesque reality. |
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"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire
Last edited by Jasmine Hart on Sun May 18, 2008 9:35 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
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1593 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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This is absolutely beautiful! I almost don't want to critique it because my suggestions will be so inadequate beside such a lovely poem. But I will try...
The cherry-blossom petals
are falling like tears
into my hair. [This is pretty but I'm not sure about the flow. I'd suggest:
Cherry-blossom petals
fall like tears
and cling to my hair.]
This is not just
some lovers' tryst
in a world of Snow Whites,
with the fear-hungry birds [I'm not sure about this line. Fear-hungry sounds a little strange.]
coming so close
we could almost
clip their wings
were we not
the ones in flight. [Lovely, this imagery is great but maybe 'were we not also in flight' would make more sense?]
No this,
this is
the catalyse [I think you mean catalyst.]
of all my stubbourn stubborn values,
this is
snow-globe confinement
in which I can breathe,
petals swirling,
sun approaching,
no sweet nothings,
just
picturesque reality.
_______________________
I seriously can't make any further comment on this; I've run out of suggestions. The imagery, tone and sentiment are all so close to perfect. |
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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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panic at the rodeo
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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I like the imagery! I agree with the suggestions above. Only thing is I personally am keen on your fear-hungry line. It gives the poem a sort of strange but beautiful unrealistic feel. I like your snow white fantasy ideas... they are a nice touch!
Once again: This is a VERY beautiful poem! I love it and would like to hear more like it! |
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JUMP IN MUD PUDDLES!!! |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it a lot, up to the point where you say "and where I can breathe" Do you mean "where I CAN'T breathe?" That would make more sense. Also, the lines are very short. You don't need to cut them off after only a few words, some would be better longer.
I like the cherry blossoms, nice images. "This is not just some lover's tryst". That was my favorite line. Poetic, lyrical. Beautiful. |
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"Not as odd as chortled." |
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This_is_history
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: |
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This is amazingly gorgeous. I love it.
The cherry-blossom petals
are falling like tears
into my hair. (This is pretty, almost like a haiku. I like it a lot)
This is not just
some lovers' tryst
in a world of Snow Whites, Gorgeous and very thought provoking.)
with the fear-hungry birds
coming so close
we could almost
clip their wings
were we not
the ones in flight. (Ooh! My favorite part. Absolutely amazing, I love the way you turn it around at the end.)
No this,
this is
the catalyst
of all my stubborn values,
this is
snow-globe confinement (Lovely imagery here.)
in which I can breathe, (Do you mean 'can't' breathe?
petals swirling,
sun approaching,
no sweet nothings, (I love that. It really got to me.)
just
picturesque reality. (Lovely ending. Beautiful, and it gives you a sense of calm and closure.)
This is a beautiful poem, keep up the good work, you're amazing!
-Elise |
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This is the child that no-one sees, lost in a long ago melody. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 8:56 am Post subject: |
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Ahh, Bravo Jasmine! Really, I adored it! I have a cherry blossom in my back garden! It's not in bloom though anymore, *sniff. I wrote about it in one of my poems, but it was no where near as good as this! I loved the way the poem sort of, slowly, fell. I don't even think I can see anything wrong with it. Instead I'll just tell you my favourite line and bow back from an awesome job:
| Quote: |
petals swirling,
sun approaching,
no sweet nothings,
just
picturesque reality. |
*Clicks gold star with glee
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear |
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-Oscar Wilde- |
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Frangipani
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:33 am Post subject: |
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Wow. This is really, really... beautiful. Stunning. I really liked it.
| Quote: |
petals swirling,
sun approaching,
no sweet nothings, |
I like the way you ended the stanza there, but left it on a comma and carried it on.
Really fantastic <3 |
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wisemann210
@(V_V)@
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198 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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[quote]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cherry-blossom petals get rid of the -
are falling like tears
into my hair.
This is not just
some lovers' tryst
in a world of Snow Whites,
with the fear-hungry birds i don't thik you need a - just leave it fear hungry
coming so close
we could almost
clip their wings
were we not
the ones in flight.
No this,
this is
the catalyst
of all my stubborn values,
this is
snow-globe confinement no --
in which I can breathe,
petals swirling,
sun approaching,
no sweet nothings,[b] inversion?
just
picturesque reality
other than those couple of things i thought it was good and, well just good
keep trying
and remember never give up you can do it
---Jon--- |
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