Topic ID: 31302
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Monki
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 7:05 pm Post subject: Faded Love, Not Jeans |
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The way he laughed. The way he kissed me good-bye. The way he said, "Everything's gonna be all right, babe." It all began to fade away. That day that he had called, just to say, "I love you." That was the only thing that would forever be imprinted in my mind. And that's the day that I lost it. Everything happened so fast. The accident, the call, the flashing blue and red lights. it all came crashing down on me, like an airplane losing control, spiraling towards the Earth. |
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GML
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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Feel free to disregard anything I say. You have the final voice in the end.
This is a very very short bit to critique, so there really isn't that much to say. But it came off to me as a little cliche, I suppose. I didn't find anything shocking about the content, or the style, nothing that really "wowed" me. It wasn't bad, no. Not at all. I actually enjoyed it.
First, I like some of your repetition and some of the stuff that isn't repetition but is kind of like it, like listing words with commas. I would cut that down, though. I can tell you are one of those people who use repetition to get a point across and this might be a problem as you write more. So only use repetition in small amounts. THis is actually one of my own problems--everyone constantly says that I do the whole "repeat" thing too much.
I also think you should use a bit more imagery and metaphors and descriptive devices such as them. My favorite part was the airplane simile. It connected to the sentence preceding it and was very nice.
Overall, good. I look forward to reading more.
And I love your title. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, I agree with GML that it was kind of like a list.
Like a grocery bill: eggs, milk, flour, ect.
You need to include some ACTION, some PLOT, some EMOTIONS! I think that this would be good to start out as a beginning to a chapter. Like this and then go into detail about what she is doing and what she is thinking during this time, and why!
Otherwise, right now, it is WAY too short to really make a good review! If you just lengthen it, it would do wonders! 
If you have any questions, just PM me! |
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salsashanno
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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| ok, here's what i think. it was nice, but that was it..nice. i think it would be better off in poetry than fiction, perhaps? but, i could see it working a whole lot better if it was a prelude to something more. however, it was very sweet. keep writing! |
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:52 am Post subject: |
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I think this is a well structured paragraph, but I don't think it will fit very well into a story. It's a good glimpse of a thought that you've had, but the thought itself is waiting to be fleshed out in more words.
All in all, it's a good paragraph, and a good preview. I'm interested in where you take this idea. On the other hand, I would not suggest that you limit yourself to finding a space in the final piece for this paragraph; I suggest that you take this paragraph like a prompt, and flow with it. This could be a really interesting story. PM me if you have any questions. 
River |
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bunnie_i_am
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:50 am Post subject: |
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| I liked it. I can see it becoming a longer story and something I would read. It would be a very interesting one to read. I like the airplane simile, it really got my attention. It was a tad bit short, tough. Besides that one minor flaw, it really sparked my interest. |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:56 am Post subject: |
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I agree with the above. It was nice, but it short. I can see this being a prologue, and the story being the longer version of the events.
It
So overall, it's nice, but too short for me to really say much. Let me know if you turn this into something longer, because I like the idea in this. |
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