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Chevy
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 Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 12:00 am Post subject: The Perfect (MAJOR CHANGES) |
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She was lost at the bottom of her bed--her sanctuary--
As she stared across at the poster-filled wall
That had been there for years.
Sitting there, year after year, thinking and dreaming
With magazines laid out,
Making collages of all the beautiful people,
Striving to be like them: wanting to be perfect.
Her snagged jeans,
Tangled hair,
Dull gray eyes,
And broken smile--all visible reminders
Of a deep imperfection, the spirit
Of a heart that had already
Learned to cope with the ups and
Downs of
Reality.
Her biggest childhood dream
Melts
It floats away down the river,
Now she's building a bridge,
And walking over it.
She dares not to look back,
At everything she longed for.
While sitting there, year after year, thinking and dreaming
With magazines laid out,
Making collages of all the beautiful people,
Striving to be like them: wanting to be the perfect. |
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Last edited by Chevy on Wed Feb 09, 2005 1:56 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Wulie
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| Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 11:21 am Post subject: |
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I like this poem but yet I don't I cant put my finger on it lol sorry this is really unhelpful... I can relate to it because I can picture the person as me if that makes sense because I hide in my bed as a sanctuary... eep sorry I'm really not helping
love wu x |
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AstrangedbeaR
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| Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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this was good i like this, it had a very different structuture to it that brings a different feel to the poem. i'm guesing this about a girl who cannot identify herself right, and wantes to be like the beautiful people she dreams of.....or along those lines. lol.
i expecially liked this line: And broken smile--all visible reminders
Of a deep imperfection
nice visual style there, kinda made me feel sorry for the girl. ;( lol. very good job and keep up the good work  |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2005 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks a lot...even though he made me not give him the credit, brad (incadescence) is the one that rephrased it,lol. |
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Emma
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it, it may have been different. But different in a good way! |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:49 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Emma, but I still feel like something is missing...I'd appreciate if anyone could suggest or add anything to it in you don't mind... . But yeah, it's about a girl who can't identify herself...I basically wrote based on a combination of people that I know. Most of my poems are inspired by other people and songs mostly. |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 2:00 am Post subject: |
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I agree that there is something missing from this poem but I can't put my finger on it.
But overall I really like this poem! the only thing I didn't like was at the very end:
"Learned to cope with the ups and
Downs of
Reality."
I didn't really like how you seperated the sentences.
But the rest was great. |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 3:44 am Post subject: |
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Well C&G you're in luck, because I certainly can tell you exactly what I like and dislike, LOL
She was lost at the bottom of her bed - her sanctuary -
As she stared across at the poster-filled wall
That had been there for years.
First two lines - love em. Third line - ugh. Does not fit. At all. Either edit it or get rid of it altogether is my opinion.
Sitting there, year after year, thinking and dreaming
With magazines laid out,
Making collages of all the beautiful people,
Striving to be like them: wanting to be perfect.
I like the internal rhyme of the first line. In fact, I like the entire verse. Its great.
Her snagged jeans,
Tangled hair,
Dull gray eyes,
And broken smile--all visible reminders
Of a deep imperfection, the spirit
Of a heart that had already
Learned to cope with the ups and
Downs of
Reality.
I dont like "dull gray eyes". I see what you're going for but it makes the rhythm seem too repetitious for my taste. Also, "the spirit" is - just - well - WEIRD. It doesnt fit with "heart" in the next line. You need another word for one of those. "had" should be "has". "Learned" needs to move up a line, as do "downs" and "reality". Otherwise, I kinda like it. Unexpected, but cool.
Overall, I had the same reaction as everyone else. I liked it and I didnt like it. Its good but kinda cliche, which is unfortunately not endearing. Still, a good poem, even if its not my favourite of yours. |
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Sam
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| Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2005 8:39 pm Post subject: RE |
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I'm a sucker for strangled grammar. Which was why i loved the last two lines. 
AH! i know what's missing...there's no real end to it. Plus, you don't explain your title. sure, you talk about perfect people, but who's 'the' perfect? It's like writing a paper on dairy farming and giving it the title 'All About UFOs'. Get what I'm saying? Title is everything...
No real critique, except for that bit. |
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Ohio Impromptu
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| Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:42 am Post subject: |
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I enjoyed this piece quite a bit. The imagery was great but I'm not sure if it was because of the actual writing or because i know a person exactly like the one in the poem. I cant offer any advice for it because it was fine in my eyes.
Dull gray eyes,
And broken smile--all visible reminders
Of a deep imperfection, the spirit
Of a heart that had already
Learned to cope with the ups and
Downs of
Reality.
^^^Magnificent. |
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PsyLynx
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| Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked it. Very pretty, easy to read, good words, good story, etc. I didn't focus on it closely enough to find anything that I would improve about it, which is probably a good sign. |
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a_freedom_writer1
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:12 am Post subject: |
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I really like this poem. I can really relate to this poem. But I have to say is needs it's own rhythm, you know? i mean if you were to send this to and publishing company they've already seen this type of writing before ---at least 10 times and an avid reader has seen it 50 times. Just when you write make it your own, in terms of the way you write it. Overall, i have to give you a thumbs up. And i can't wait to read some more of your work.
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