Topic ID: 23880
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Davidude
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 Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 10:42 am Post subject: |
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Couple of things to add:
I'm pretty sure it's aeroplanes, not airplanes or air planes, but maybe thats a UK thing.
You wrote "showing of" when i think you meant "showing off".
Apart from that, I agree with the other comments. Just a make sure you don't make your sentences too long and make sure the meaning is always clear.
P.S you say "the panic was indescribable," Then go on to describe it. I found this slightly ironic. |
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summergrl13
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 12:12 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome! I really don't need to edit this because others have already said it for me. This is really good. But I have a few questions to ask:
1. But how can it be the end of the world if it only happened in New York City?
2. Does it resemble the movie 'I Am Legend', because it kind of reminds me of that.
3. How many more chapters do you plan to have in here?
4. Is it more like 'Independence Day' rather than 'I Am Legend' because it reminds me a bit of both  .
5. When are you gonna post more?!?!?! Because I am on the edge of my seat and I am dieing to hear more of the story!
*And sylver, we've always said airplanes in America, so I guess it's okay since it's in NYC. But I wonder if it's different in Aussie and if she should change it into the regular Aussie way. Hrmmm... I shall ponder about it * |
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seeminglymeaningless
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| Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:45 am Post subject: |
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All I was worried about was myself. And the small child thrashing in my arms.
Slowly sound was returning to me. I could hear snippets of screams. The roaring of the other planes stabbing at my ear drums. Explosions clawing into my head.
Where was my wife? My other child? Who was doing this? Terrorists? Why? How? These thoughts flicked through my head with a scary swiftness, presenting themselves to me for the barest of milliseconds before being snatched away and thrown aside for the next fleeting insight.
A man howling with fear barged into my shoulder, spinning me around 180 degrees, knocking me off my feet. I sprawled onto the park grass, unintentionally squashing Molly under my stocky frame. Intense pain blossomed from my shoulder to my lower back, my head and upper legs, and I tried vainly to prevent crushing my daughter as person after person stampeded over us to get away from the bombs that would continue falling.
A sharp crack confirmed my suspicion of a splintered arm, and a numbing kick to the head made me nauseous and my eyes water.
Crying and moaning in pain, I attempted to crawl to something, anything that would give me some cover from the panicked crowds. Shuffling Molly carelessly underneath me, I slowly made my way through the sea of tangled legs, crumpled bodies of people who weren't as lucky as me, and stray debris to an overturned picnic table.
Sobbing with relief, I rolled into the shelter of safety it offered.
I looked at Molly.
And screamed myself hoarse.
Her head sat oddly upon her shoulders. A blood trail trickled a fine thin path down her chin from a grotesquely open mouth, the tongue lolling out the side, remind me absurdly of a panting dog. What could only be bone protruded from the side of her neck, glistening with thick red blood and pink marrow.
The world around me slowed. I saw motion frame by frame, as if I could take pictures with my eyes and I was in review mode.
Molly was motionless. Every frame of her was the same.
Still.
Still, silent.
Still, silent, and dead.
"Molly." I mouthed, "Molly."
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[A/N: Sorry for leaving this for so long. And thank you everyone for the support. I'll try and add a new part to this every other week  Cheers, Jadyn] |
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hershey
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 3:36 pm Post subject: |
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| While I was reading this, I could see everything in my head; you described it so well. However, I gotta agree with eaglefire91 and ask if the f-word is really necessary. Other than that, keep writing, I want to see the rest of this. |
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