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chocoholic
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 Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 6:30 am Post subject: Sister of Mine |
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This is just something I wrote quickly that highlights our feelings of jealousy and the want to be someone else. Please let me know what you think.
I stood, staring at my sister. She was my twin, my other half. Everything was exactly the same. Our flowing dirty blonde hair, our misty grey eyes and pink lips. There was no difference between my olive skin and hers, nor my oval face or hers. The clothes we wore didn’t differ in anything. We both wore the ripped jeans and tight shirt. The black hoops we wore in our ears looked so similar it wasn’t funny. Our nail polish was applied in exactly the same way.
My sister and I looked the same, but we were not. When I looked at us, she was the beautiful one, and I was the ugly duckling. But how could that be? We were so similar we were basically one person.
I watched her chest fall up and down as she breathed. Slowly, I closed my eyes and blocked her from my view. But I couldn’t. Her image was printed in my eyes. When I closed them and entered darkness, all I could see was my sister, hands on hips and no smile on her pretty face.
My eyes snapped open, and I tried to look beneath our physical appearances. She was the perfect one, never getting in trouble. I was the bad one, always mucking up. She would never cheat on a test, skip school and stay up all night at some party drinking. And my sister would never do what I did and get pregnant.
How could one person be so perfect, yet so terrible? Everybody loved her but me. I wanted to kill her. The girl in front of me, I just wanted to murder her. Not bothering to suppress my rage, I struck out and punched her. I turned away from my twin and ran into the bathroom. I was going to kill my sister, if it was the last thing I ever did. Sobbing, I turned on the tap in the bath and grabbed a knife. I screamed out in pain as I slit my wrists and climbed into the bath, fully-clothed.
My sister died as I slid into unconsciousness. Never again would I see my sister, my reflection. |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 3:18 pm Post subject: |
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I like the concept behind this quite a lot and how, the persona's death is her way of killing her sister. I think the beginning could be more interesteing. At the moment it's just a list of their similarities. Perhaps you could brighten it up. A bit more imagery should help and maybe some strange, unusual feature that the two share to add a bit of interest.
Also work on the differences in personality more. I like that you've mentioned that the persona has got pregnant. Concentrate on specific things like that rather than the general perfection v disaster because that's done a lot.
Overall though, it's an interesting piece and it's very true. We will never stop being jealous of each other, even if we are exactly the same. We'll always find some tiny flaw in ourselves and some perfection in others, even if they are only in our imagination. |
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Sam
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 2:50 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Chocoholic!
Ooer, I really do not want to have a twin now...either being murdered or being driven mad- neither of the options is very appealing. Creepy story; did the trick.
A few things, though:
NAVEL GAZING: This is a tricky sort of story to write and not sound completely self-centered. You did a pretty good job, but you want to make sure you have the following:
- Opinions balanced with qualitative stuff. It doesn't matter how opinionated the character is; you still need to balance it with description and other sorts of factual information that would make it seem a bit less obvious.
- Try to avoid clichès. What's unique about these two? They both seem impossibly beautiful, and most people angst in front of mirrors. That's two in a short piece! Make sure your twins are interesting.
You might want to read the book The Secret Twin- it's about a boy who was born with a conjoined twin who shared his heart, and all the fun guilt that goes along with it. It's a pretty cool book; I'm about halfway through.
- Tell an anecdote. "She was perfect and I was the screw-up" isn't good enough by itself- readers are kind of dense. We need to be shown things step-by-step. Telling a nice, unbiased flashback usually proves a point.
REALISM: Here's the thing- usually, twins don't want to be identified as a set. They want to be two seperate people. This is the case with one of my best friends, who has a fraternal twin. She spends a good amount of her time trying to figure out how to avoid her brother and make herself different (they're civil, of course, but it's a sibling thing). If you've got twins that are exactly alike in every way and don't experience sibling rivalry or have way too much, they're going to need some explanation.
This is kind of a load of muck, but I think it's a pretty good example of how to show sibling rivalry besides going, "Jeremy is pretty, and Luke isn't so much but father likes him a lot better":
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The air froze as Luke’s arrythmic footsteps meandered across the floor, stopping just long enough for him to say, “Father wants you home right after you’re done.”
This was greeted by an irked, “Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, why am I supposed to go home if there’s no good reason?”
“Because he asked you to.”
“And you drool after him, so you just had to come and waste my time with useless information?”
There was an uncomfortable silence in the room, one that Beatrice counted in the French numbers Luke had taught her- une, deux, tois…
She got to huit when Luke finally asked, in a hurried tone, “Where’s Beatrice?”
“The corner. Where else would she go?”
“I don’t know.”
“Is that all you can say?” The smile was gone, replaced with a smirk that felt to Beatrice the way glass windowpanes felt against your palms in dead winter. |
That's sort of what I mean by an anecdote- show these guys in action, and explain to us why they hate each other but dress alike. If they've got a relationship like the one above, it's going to need a ton of description and background info to make it seem realistic.
Another thing- really, really try to stay away from 'teaching lessons' with your writing. Allegory and that sort of thing is okay as long as it's not blatant. Stories aren't your soapbox; they're supposed to entertain people. 
Again, really creepy story, Chocoholic- feel free to PM me if you've got any questions or want me to take a look at something else. |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 6:06 am Post subject: |
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| Ok, I think some people might have been getting confused about this. The girl in my story doesn't have a twin! She is looking at her reflection in the mirror. |
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AndNeverAgainx3
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| Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 12:08 am Post subject: |
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ah, i like it all the better now that you've told us that, chocoholic!
and i liked it before!
but, yes, you should make it more clear that she is peering into a mirror.
before realizing that i think we all had different interpretations.
when you said she punched her sister and her sister died as she faded into unconciousness, i thought her sister had died from being punched! x]] silly me.
but i do love it! a few revisions and it will be a great short story! |
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dele24
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| Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:01 am Post subject: |
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Wow, that was really interesting, a little bit cliched and a bit confusing. I did realize that she was her twin, but it was a bit morbid for me  |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow. I didn't get that she was looking in a mirror till the end. How did she punch the mirror without breaking it? |
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| Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:10 am Post subject: |
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Wow, I like it! A bit confusing, I thought her twin was looking in a mirror or something!
The first bit could be a bit better although it's already cool.
I hope she didn't break the mirror when she punched it, that wouldn't be very lucky, although I guess she's already deadish... |
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Areida
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 4:19 am Post subject: Re: Sister of Mine |
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Hey choco! You requested this one a while back, so apologies for not getting to it sooner. 
I like the concept here. I think you've got an original thing going, but judging from some of the above reviews, it looks like it's not quite clicking for some. I didn't get it at first either, and had to re-read the last bit.
Hokay, so off we go:
| chocoholic wrote: |
| I stood, staring at my sister. She was my twin, my other half. |
Okay, not a bad start, but not a phenomenal one or anything. I think you could start dropping hints from the start that the "twins" are actually one person.
For example: Standing in front of the mirror, my twin stared back.
| Quote: |
| Everything was exactly the same. Our flowing dirty blonde hair, our misty grey eyes and pink lips. There was no difference between my olive skin and hers, nor my oval face or hers. The clothes we wore didn’t differ in anything. We both wore the ripped jeans and tight shirt. The black hoops we wore in our ears looked so similar it wasn’t funny. Our nail polish was applied in exactly the same way. |
This is a little overkill. It's like you're trying really hard to paint a vivid picture of this girl's face, but in the end it's just a blur of colors and vague shapes. We don't necessarily need all of the details about the clothes either. Make this more original.
For example: She was my double: from the shade of our hair, to the gleam in our eyes, to shape of our mouths; we were indistinguishable in appearance.
| Quote: |
| I watched her chest fall up and down as she breathed. Slowly, I closed my eyes and blocked her from my view. But I couldn’t. Her image was printed in my eyes. When I closed them and entered darkness, all I could see was my sister, hands on hips and no smile on her pretty face. |
Except for the last part, I really liked this section. "No smile on her pretty face" is icky phrasing. 
| Quote: |
| My eyes snapped open, and I tried to look beneath our physical appearances. She was the perfect one, never getting in trouble. I was the bad one, always mucking up. She would never cheat on a test, skip school and stay up all night at some party drinking. And my sister would never do what I did and get pregnant. |
This could be so powerful, but you state it with such bland bluntness that it's like, "Wait... what?" And you have to go back to check on that again, but it's like reading notes, rather than being touched or connecting with the character.
| Quote: |
Not bothering to suppress my rage, I struck out and punched her. I turned away from my twin and ran into the bathroom. I was going to kill my sister, if it was the last thing I ever did. Sobbing, I turned on the tap in the bath and grabbed a knife. I screamed out in pain as I slit my wrists and climbed into the bath, fully-clothed.
My sister died as I slid into unconsciousness. Never again would I see my sister, my reflection. |
While this is better than the last part I commented on, I think it could use some more work. You're rushing, but there's no need. This is a very short piece, so expanding it would actually make it much better.
Nice work and good luck!
EDIT: By the way, I really like the title! Nice. |
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