Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7086
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1137 Points
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 Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 11:06 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! I know, it took me forever to get to this. You'll really have to forgive me. I take a long time on fiction critiques, and I've been busy. Just think of it as me wanting to give you my best. 
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| He folds it one way, then the other, his motions slow and precise. |
I find that sentences like these sound better broken up: "He folds it one way, then the other. His motions are slow and precise." but it is up to you.
Don't say she is - show us she is.
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| He smiles, a crooked, half-smile that brings fear to her heart. “She would never leave without their urging.” |
The first descriptions is too cliché for my liking, and the dialogue following it seems unnatural. It's too stiff.
I'm not sure what I think of the introduction. It's necessary, but it's bland. For the most part it is just dialogue and actions, and a few comments as to character facial expressions. I don't know what the room is like, whether it is hot or cold, is there a house plant in the corner? I don't know what they're wearing. I think the biggest problem is the setting, because that would tell a lot about who these people are. Is is a kitchen in their home, or a business office? I have no idea. I think you could also add more general description. I know you may not want to spend a lot of time on the intro, but if it is the first thing your reader sees, you'll want to make it some of the best.
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Some kid from school was being a moron and stuck this it in my mailbox. |
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| “Matt! Are you in there [comma] man?” |
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| It blends in among the other [comma]clean white papers. |
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| I shake my head, then remember that he’s facing the other way. |
Then don't even say this sentence.
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| The room’s so quiet [comma] I can hear the knob jiggling beneath his shaking hand. |
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He doesn’t look back at me, and I don’t watch him leave. My eyes are locked on the couch.
He opens the door and walks out. A warm breeze reaches me – I always keep my room too cold. |
You say "I don't watch him leave" which led me to believe he was leaving there but in the next line you say "He opens the door and walks out" so it's... odd. Also, one problem I have with this part is the narrator. He's bland, and it's boring in a general sense. Not much description, imagery, no life. Here you have a warm breeze. Do something with it. Does it remind him of something? What does it feel like? Use a metaphor or specific diction to explain. Try to bring more life and sensory to this story.
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| “Now I’ll take away you.” |
This is weird. "Now, I'll take you away."
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My eyes are still on the ball. It has had so many adventures I’ll never be able to experience. |
Don't be redundant.
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| When’s it all start? |
This says, "When is it all start?" which makes no sense. I think you were trying to say, "When did it all start?"
Actually, after reading this, I think you would do a lot better to cut the introduction and explain the back story through the dialogue of Mathew and his friend, then Mathew and the father. Speaking of his friend, you don't name him. Okay, sure, you want him not named, but this is horrible for story telling. There are a lot of "he"s. Watch out for it.
This isn't so bad. I still think you would do better to add more details. The narrators voice isn't unique, and in first person it's nice for them to have their own twist. It's him telling the story, remember. Does he have any speaking habits that would show up in his narration? He also doesn't sound nervous. He actually sounds calm, which is incredebly surprising given the circumstances.
Hope this helps! Will get to part two eventually. If you have any questions come find me.
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_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
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Kalliope
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Sep 2007
Posts: 232
Reviews: 107
Country: somewhere between heaven and hell
324 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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Here's your crit! Sorry it took me so long... Hope it helps you a little!
| Description: |
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Download |
| Filename: |
Reprecussions, Part One, Crit, Kalli.doc |
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