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Poisoned Roses--Chapter 17
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 17

by ashleylee in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on April 29, 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 7:15 pm    Post subject: Bastards Reply with quote

To be perfectly honest, you love this story. It is now newly edited and the next chapter will be added soon in the same thread.

___________

‘I can breath under water.’

‘No.’ Raymond said it with finality, but with a touch of annoyance and sarcasm mixed in. ‘You really, really can’t.’ The sarcasm turned into something resembling a laugh; it was slightly infectious.

‘Yes, actually, I can. I fell asleep in the bathtub yesterday and I dreamed that I couldn’t drown. When I woke up I was under water, but still breathing. See, I told you I could.’ Grey and orange light mixed in Hellie’s smile; infinity settled in her voice.

‘You dreamt you couldn’t drown. All a dream, stupid.’

‘I can breath under water.’

Raymond gritted his teeth and ran hand through her odd hair a little rougher than was necessary. How could someone who had, technically, lived fifteen entire years still be so silly?

Light didn’t fall gently on the children sharing a park bench. It took shadows and imperfections and made them resemble dirt and nastiness; stuff that wasn’t there at all. It added something foreign to something dirty.

Raymond was imposing in a subtle way; his chin always thrust out and his eyes never bothering to open all the way. That is, unless they saw something truly extraordinary: Hellie, for instance. His clothes were tasteless and yet, on him, tasteless meant something surprising and unusual rather than just stupid. There was something decidedly gregarious about him and yet he never acknowledged it as a part of himself. He thought of it as a separate entity entirely and called it ‘the presence’. He supposed it was someone else’s sociability that followed him. At least that’s what he let on. Hellie suspected that he had stolen it to get her.

Hellie was blasphemous. Her head rested in Raymond’s lap and her eyes focused intently on the small amount of his face that she could see; neither of these things were wrong or even out of the ordinary, and yet when she did them, they seemed absolutely inappropriate. Perhaps it came from having parents that named her after a place of torment and eternal suffering, but that cannot be confirmed. She never wore much and yet what she did wear always seemed like too much. Her t-shirts were always too small, revealing her white stomach, and her skirts were always too short, revealing legs covered in orange-spotted tights. Somehow, despite the fact that she really was not wearing enough, she ended up looking like a snake in pantaloons.

‘I rode a snake once.’

‘You‘re kind of a pathetic freak that looks a little like a snake.’ He groaned and seemed bored; Hellie greatly enjoyed provoking him.

‘So?’

‘God! That‘s disgusting and you need to shut up - right now.’ Raymond took a deep breath, forcing away the mirth that threatened to become known.

‘You’re going to laugh. I can tell; even from down here.’ Hellie brought her hands up to her mouth and waited in suspense.

‘There‘s nothing to laugh at because you‘re stupid.’

‘You might. You definitely would if you weren’t trying so damn hard not to.’ Before Hellie was able to annoy Raymond into giving up his fight against conviviality a car turned onto the nearly deserted street and ruined all the fun. Cars did not make a habit of gracing this particular asphalt and that is one of the many reasons that Hellie and Raymond graced it instead.

‘Look, a car.’ Raymond leaned back and ignored her completely. ‘What do you think it wants?’

‘Shut up.’ He pulled a gray bouncy ball from behind his ear and threw it over his head in an infuriating fashion; who he meant to infuriate was beyond Hellie; she was entirely impervious to attempt.

‘Maybe it wants a snake.’

This time Hellie did get the better of the strange boy - albeit entirely accidentally - and he burst out laughing, his angular features becoming almost soft. She sat up abruptly and kissed him on his laughing mouth. His body continued to shake as he kissed her and, without warning, she cuffed him on the side of the head and hopped off the bench to get a better look at the car.

‘What the hell? Dammit, Hellie! What is the point of kissing me if you’re going to hit me right in the middle of it?’ He jumped off the bench, licking her taste off his mouth.

‘I don’t know. Why would you think I would know?’ Raymond wasn’t always too fond of her irregularities but this time he was too distracted by the odd car to do much.

The car was rolling very slowly down the street and Hellie stood on the curb, her small hands clasped behind her back. Its paint was a chipped red and on its wheels seemed to spin faster than it moved. Them being at the very end of the dead-end street, it seemed natural to assume themselves to be the end the car was searching for. Some things are averted to assumptions, and this car was one of them. Raymond came up behind her and pulled on her miniscule shirt, trying to force it down over her back. When he realized how fruitless this attempt was he began going in the opposite direction.

‘Stupid, silly, Raymond. Stop it. Look, the car wants us.’ She grabbed his hands from behind and wrapped them around her waist.

‘We aren‘t the only thing -.’

‘But we’re at the end of the street.’

‘God…there are loads of other things -’

‘No, there isn’t anything else for it to want - ‘cept the trees, I suppose. But I’m the only one that likes them.’ She stared up, catching dying leaves and silver scraps of sunlight in her eyes.

‘It needs directions.’

‘Well, it is driving very slowly down a dead-end street. That must mean that it needs directions. I always have problems when I try to turn around and go in another direction. It must be having the same problem.’ Anyone who didn’t know Hellie would have thought she was kidding, or mocking Raymond. But no, she was entirely genuine; quite a sacrilege nowadays.

‘Changed your mind again…’ He sighed loudly in her ear and played with the hem of her skirt.

‘No, you changed my mind. God, you are such a dunce all the time. You act like me changing my own mind is something normal; but since its never happened before it couldn’t possibly be normal.’ Contentiously, she broke from his arms and hopped back onto the bench, her ridiculous hair mingling with the hair of the trees.

‘Oh, I thought your mind was one of the things I could never change. ‘Spose since it‘s so easy I‘ll do it more often.’ He spun around and grinned at her; his smile said that he was kidding but he definitely was not.

‘Easy?…that is terribly stupid…’ But she wasn’t listening. The car was now only yards away and she craned her neck - making an attempt that seemed to carry no luck - to see into the car. The windows were impossibly tinted. Neither of them found it curious that even the windshield was tinted; something that is completely against the law. Perhaps that is why they didn’t notice it.

There was actually something fantastically eerie in the slow progression of the mysterious car. A car that betrayed no driver and wheels that feigned another speed and no destination that was possible to deduce. If the two extremely odd children would have been even in the least bit more ordinary they might have been terrified. But the sometimes unnerving thing about strange people is that they quite often are unable to judge the possibly dangerous strangeness in another. The good part of this oddity is that they do not judge other people based only on their strangeness. It can sometimes be very amusing how quickly people connect odd with bad and normal with good; dangerously amusing in itself.

It was only when the car was feet from being directly in front of them that they felt some vague amount of sinister apprehension. Raymond turned to look at the car; a flicker of confusion in his eyes. Without realizing it, he backed behind the bench and shoved his hands into his pockets.

Things grew still and a hesitant breeze slipped under Hellie’s shirt. The dilapidated houses that lined the street seemed to lean over, wanting to get a better look at the scene. When the door didn’t open and the cars engine quite obviously switched off Raymond let out a breath and grabbed Hellie, pulling her off the bench and then farther into the wooded park.

‘What are you doing? I want to see who it is!’ Hellie struggled but Raymond held her tightly.

‘No. You really don‘t.’ Raymond’s eyes were slightly glassy; a memory floating in a grey abyss. What had he remembered that had so suddenly turned his curiosity into fear?

‘What’s wrong with you? Of course I do!’ She paused and stopped struggling. ‘Oh, I get it. You’re practicing trying to change my mind. Well, if you would have been listening I laughed at you when you said it was easy. It isn’t easy and I shan’t allow you to ruin my fun. Now, before I turn into the snake that the weird car is looking for, let me go.’ She started to pry his fingers off her arm like a child untying a shoe.

‘No, Hellie. We need to run until - until it's too late.'

‘When do you think that might be? I’m hungry and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sprint.’ Hellie was looking up at the boy holding her, a sparkle of mischief in her eyes.

Raymond swallowed and shook the memory out of his eyes. ‘I think this is actually a really serious situation.’ He laughed nervously. ‘And I think it’s laughing at how un-seriously you are taking it. But for some reason I have this… feeling it’s enjoying our stupidity.’ With a certain amount of reckless idiocy, Raymond was absolutely sure of himself.

‘What does that mean?’

‘Probably that running won‘t help much. Unless we can run in a funny way and not move out of its sight while we’re escaping. Which, of course, would totally destroy the point of running.’ Apparently, Raymond was deciding it was all a game. The monster definitely considered it a game; but it is doubtful as to whether or not Raymond was wise in agreeing.

Hellie began to laugh but was suddenly cut short; her laugh died an awful death. She blinked a few times before the tears started to come. ‘R - Raymond…this isn’t a - a game.’ Before her terror was strong enough to root her to the spot she spun around and started to drag Raymond further into the park.

‘Dammit, Ray! We need to go now! Right now, right now, right now! C’mon, run!’ She never called him Ray and, however inadvertently it might have been, she hoped that the nickname would shock him into following her directions.

It was only pure terror that guided them. Trees snatched at their dreams of escape as they raced to the back of the park. Hellie and Raymond were not accustomed to being afraid and yet their reaction ended up being more prudent than seemed natural. Only a wall stood in their way when they reached the back of the park.

‘My - my tears got my hands wet.’ Hellie stared at her hands.

‘Dammit, Hellie! Climb the -’ But he didn’t finish and grabbed her arm, yanking her roughly over the wall and out of sight. It was at this same moment that the door to the car opened quite slowly.


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Last edited by ChernobyllyInclined on Wed Jun 11, 2008 1:44 am; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoahohoho!

Yuss, he bees vurry ood.

Hooevr, OI fink dat... you know what? I'm going to speak coherently. So there!

As I was saying, I think that Trey needs to murder his mother AND THEN take the baby with him, which will then make said baby MORE like Trey and Claire, and LESS like his disgusting late Mom, and passively erratic Dad.

Otherwise, I LIKE.

I didn't notice any punctuation/spelling typos/errors, but you should make your chapters more action-y. Please? FOR ME?

-SELAAA

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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:19 am    Post subject: Re: It Turned On The Lights Ch. 4 Reply with quote

Quote:
I almost don’t have a reason to, but for the fact that the world is spinning without me.
-- Wow, I have no idea what you are trying to say in this sentence. Try to make the wording a little less awkward I
Quote:

Of course, five thousand is not enough to live on but it is enough to start the living I have been barred from.
-- Awkward, try to reword

Quote:
Trey, darling, I hear you were very unkind to your sister last night while I was out.’ She stares at herself while she says this and does not seem to have fully realized she is speaking to someone else. When she speaks affectionately it is always to herself.
says this, not seeming to realize that she is speaking to someone else.

I liked this even though I haven't read the other chapters. I liked the description and I liked the way you developed your characters! Smile
Just a few suggestions:
1) I think you get inside Trey's head way too much. Try to focus more on what's going on outside of it. It's always good to know what the character is thinking but too much can be a little overwhelming and repetitive.
2) There was little action in this chapter. Try to make up more events because really it's mainly just trey telling the readers what he's thinking
3)Always show don't tell i.e. portray your character's emotions through his actions. Don't say I'm angry or something like that (just a hypothetical example).
4) Always try to cut down on adverbs

Other than that it was a great piece! Keep up the good work! Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 2:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One part didn't seem to fit into the rest of the story.

Quote:
I spent my empty and boring days highlighting all the lies that God told those poor Jews. I laugh when I imagine how much he loved them.


Where did this come from? And why did he highlight the "lies?"

I agree with scasha that you shouldn't have so much of Trey's thoughts. That's a bit boring. And the things that scasha pointed out are all correct. They should be reworded and they are a bit awkward.

Alex

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Goddddd...that was crazy. I swear to the fact that I have NEVER read anything like it. Pleeeaasseee write more! I am absolutely dying to know what happens.

I love how crazy they both are and I love Hellie's name and I love the whole world. Okay, I don't. But let me know when you write more.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 7:24 pm    Post subject: Re: Bastards Reply with quote

Since you already know I love this story, I'll get straight to the critiquing. Wink
(Also, I love your name... it makes me giggle.)

ChernobyllyInclined wrote:

‘I can breath under water.’

‘No.’ Raymond said it with finality, but with a touch of annoyance and sarcasm mixed in. ‘You can’t.’

Yup, Raymond's right. Breath is always a noun. Breathe is always a verb. So, Hellie can breathe underwater.

Quote:
Light didn’t fall gently on the children sharing a park bench.

Litotes is by far my favorite literary device. But unless you're actually achieving emphasis by denying the opposite of the situation, it's just confusing. I think a straightforward adjective telling us how the light did fall would be clearer.

Also, I'm still very confused about their ages. You describe them as children - when I hear "children," I think twelve or under. Hellie sort of acts in accordance with this, but Raymond seems much older, which makes their relationship all the more confusing.

Quote:
His clothes were tasteless and yet, on him, tasteless meant something entirely different from what we are accustomed to.

If this is the case, what does it mean? You can't just leave me hanging like that. Razz

Quote:

He thought of it as a separate entity entirely and called it ‘the presence’.
...
Hellie suspected that he had stolen it to get her.

Again, just from the paragraph I'm getting that Raymond is in his late teens and Hellie is like... twelve. You never say this, but it's the image that I get.

Quote:
Hellie was blasphemous.

I'm not sure what you mean here. Blasphemy is specifically an act of speaking, yet Hellie's not saying anything.


Quote:

‘You’re giving me ugly pictures; stop talking.’ Raymond took a deep breath, forcing away the mirth that threatened to become known.

This makes it sound like he thinks she's said something lewd - again, how old are they?

Quote:

pulled on her miniscule shirt,

minuscule

Quote:
She stared up, catching dying leaves and silver scraps of sunlight in her eyes.

I really like the description here, especially the "silver" sun as opposed to golden.

Quote:
‘The only explanation for that could be that it needs directions. I often find turning around and going another way an impossible task. I suppose it must be in the same predicament.’
Compared to Hellie's childlike actions and words thus far, this sounds very scientific.

Quote:
car speckled in lack of care.

I sort of get this, but I sort of don't. Is it saying that it's supposed to be a run-down car? "Speckled" specifically hints at something with an irregular pattern, so consider your word choice there.

Quote:
She started to pry his fingers off her arm like a child tying a shoe.

Again - is she a child or isn't she? This makes it sound like she isn't again, since you compare her to one. And tying a shoe - tying a shoe is binding something together. She's trying to pull something away. I see where you were going with this, but I think you could find a better way to express it.

Quote:
It just happened to be one of those walls that could not comprehend its own purpose and therefore become incredibly strong and tall to offset this embarrassment. Neither Raymond nor Hellie thought it would prudent to try and scale such a proud and magnanimous wall and so - before they could wonder whether its strength might actually become a help rather than a hindrance - they scrambled over the much less imposing wall at the back of the park and disappeared from sight. It was at this same moment that the door to the car opened quite slowly.

Okay, as much as I love you, I think you really need to rework this paragraph. This is the most critical part of the work thus far, and Raymond and Hellie are scrambling, running, fleeing... but the text isn't. The text is attached to this giant weight, because there are four lines about this wall and its evaluation of its purpose in the fabric of space-time in the modern world. As inherently awesome as this is, it doesn't really excuse the fact that they don't even end up climbing over it. (This wall is a silly place... let's not go there!) It's interesting, but it doesn't fit in an action scene. If I were you, I'd just condense it into a sentence explaining that they ran into a big wall - oops! - and then found a smaller one and climbed over it. That way, you won't break the action sequence down by including such a weighty sentence.

You actually have a really interesting style of writing - it reminds me a little of Dostoevsky. However, you also share his habit of allowing the narrator to pass judgments on the characters without really showing us those traits - Hellie as blasphemous, Raymond as gregarious, et cetera. Mix a little showing in with your telling. And if you're going to show later, don't worry about telling just yet - it's only the first chapter.

The biggest thing, though, was trying to figure out the real ages of Hellie and Raymond. I kept thinking I'd pinpointed it, then the next paragraph would shoot all my assumptions. I know that age is secondary to me when I'm writing, but to readers it's more important, because it helps them create an image of the character's psyche as well as their physique. Some things - like Hellie's innocence, and simple dialogue, made me think that she and Raymond were children, like you'd said - but the kiss, and the escapade with her shirt, those made me think otherwise.

Either way, I really like how you've set this up. I also like Hellie's name - very different, and it has a ring to it. The characters are intriguing, even if they do confuse me a little, and I'm curious to see where you take this. The car-sans-driver was an interesting twist. Wink

I apologize for the long-windedness, sorry about that! I need to work on being a little more brief, I guess.

(Also, I'm a little confused about why it looks like the people above me were critiquing a different story.. :S)

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the review! VERY much appreciated.

I think you're right. I like making teenagers act like children but I need to specify their age to keep away unnecessary confusion. They are both fifteen or sixteen, I think.

And yes, I will try to clean up the 'too much telling and not enough showing' part.

Oh, and about the reviews for another other story...I condensed one of my other stories into one thread instead of four, and so instead of deleting the thread, which is more complicated, I just edited it and put another story into it. I hope it's not too confusing

Again, thank you ALOT. All feedback very useful.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

duhduhduhduhduh... oh mmy gosh... that was awesome!
you got me interested with the opening dialogue. breathing underwater.. coolio! i actually wanted to read more becaseu it wasn't corny. great navigation on the fine line of good and just plane horribel

compelling! ohhh i want to know more. normaly, writer on YWS don't handle the suspense thing really well and just end up depriving. YOu , on the other hand, dangled the carrot right out in front of use and draggged us along in a great wasy...! kudos,

uno problemo!!! Confused are your characters kids or teenageers, numerous times, you say they are children and boys and kids, but their action and the whole eroticness of their behavior inclines me to thinkl they are older.

i assume they are superhuman people, but who knows, you handled character description well, not directly telling us they are abnormal but rather hinting to us in very descrete ways.... good good
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You edited it!!!!

I think it's better...although I thought it was awesome at first!!! I think you made Raymond less girly in this version...although I didn;t mind him being a little girly. I thought it was cute!!!

Anyway, let me know when you post the next chapter. I am completely dying to know what happennsssss!!!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 1:43 am    Post subject: Ch. 2 Reply with quote

CHAPTER TWO - For anyone who cares.

______


A crackle like static plastic emitted subtly from the widening door. It didn’t rise or fall but it’s persistence seemed to shut out any other sound that might have dared interrupt it.

After much longer than any sane person could have handled, the passenger door was thrown open and human presence was expertly feigned.

‘This is ridiculous and I am sick of it!’ A woman of perhaps nineteen came half-tumbling out of the car and slammed the door angrily behind her. ‘I will have no more of this even if Satan himself asks me to stay!’ Her features were distorted and a crooked grace seemed to have settled on her curved shoulders.

‘He did.’ There was no way of telling where the voice came from.

‘Did! Did! Exactly! He doesn’t dare show his face anymore, does he?’ It was when she mentioned his face that the fervor left her voice; she slumped to the ground. ‘But - but I’m not the only one who remembers his face…’ Her tone betrayed devotion hidden by bitter denial; whatever beauty she had once possessed was long gone.

The buzzing lowered, sucking wind and whispers with it.

‘You can go if you want. I don’t mind.’

Her head jerked up and she wailed like a dying thing. A shaking laugh drifted from the sky and away from the sinking sun in a lilting melody. The open door that had before only revealed a grey, colorless abyss now began to sink away and a figure slipped out, brushing the door shut behind it. There was now no noise in the air but for the broken and repulsive sobbing of the girl

‘All I said was that you can go. I can’t imagine what would happen if I ever spoke cruelly to you.’ The laugh repeated without a stain of differentiation. She glanced up, her face crossed in running red lines and tears frozen in place; forever perhaps.

‘Cyr? Or is it Demyan?’ She hesitated, but then scrambled to her feet; her eyes burned.

‘I don’t think it matters.’ He glanced at her, a trite look of confusion twisting his mouth. ‘What? Oh, I forget.’ Pulling off his jacket, he threw it atop the car and stretched. ‘Demyan would never wear a jacket.’ He misunderstood her shock.

Shoulders squashed and feet crooked, she approached him. ‘Why do you always cover your face? I have never even seen you in the light and now, out of nowhere, you step out of your stupid car and stand there like nothing is different!’

He ignored her and began digging in his pockets for something. ‘I must have left my phone at home. Something of a bother.’ He glanced over at her again, looking entirely non-plussed by her show of dramatics. ‘Funny how a radio can be so scary, right?’ She only stared at him, transfixed by something he was unsure of. ‘I mean, yeah, it’s broken, but that’s not excuse for everything to just go crazy and shut up. Not that I don’t like it…it just seems ridiculous.’

The sun was beginning to give up; the effort to stay in the sky simply becoming too much for it. Cyril found this slightly amusing and he winked at it, knowing exactly how it felt.

‘Well, Grace, I need to go find those easily frightened children and so -’

‘I didn’t think they were easily frightened at all.’ She seemed to have gotten over the first shock and tried to stand straighter; perhaps she thought it would have a positive effect on her ugliness.

‘Oh, really? They sure ran away fast.’ He seemed to be considering something but before he could reach the end of it she interrupted stupidly.

‘So, you don’t find yourself even in the least bit frightening? I don’t even know why I’m here at all…this is so absolutely preposterous and stupid! Why do you even need - ’

He silenced her, his lips in a tight line. ‘Shut up, woman! You can’t go shouting my business about this deserted neighborhood.’ He thought again. ‘You…aren’t going to be telling anyone, are you?’ Whatever was responsible for the pleasant arrangement of his features suddenly became extremely frustrated and threw it’s tools all over the blasted yard. She cringed and stepped back, ashamed of her terror.

‘N - no…of course not. I mean, why would -’

‘I can think of a few reasons.’ Much too abruptly he had vaulted over the hood of the car, his face inches from hers. He looked as if he found this distasteful and stepped back a bit. ‘I think you would rather be dead anyhow. You complain so much…’ He touched her maimed face; she couldn’t move.

‘I - I -’

‘Look, you can’t even beg.’ He pulled out a gun. It looked funny in his hand; the dull metal playing tag with the almost slimy sheen of his skin. ‘Bye, bye, Gracie.’

She fainted before he could pull the trigger and he sighed in frustration, shoving the gun into his belt. ‘I see that death suddenly became less attractive to you. Well, now I can’t decide whether to shoot you or not. What an awful thing to have to decide by yourself. If only I had my phone…’ He kicked the tire and gazed at his now scuffed shoe in a discontented way. ‘Well, since I can’t decide I suppose will just pretend that I did decide and run off after those stupid children. I wish Demyan were here…’

Cyril vanished over the wall at the same moment that the sun vanished out of the sky. Both felt like they would enjoy nothing better than staying beneath perception forever. Neither got their wish.
______

‘Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.’

The two mismatched children were pacing back and forth in front of an awfully closed door the color of dying grass. The light in the sky was now only a pale, useless moon. Hellie imagined that its only purpose was in shedding light on things no one wanted to see. Something about the dark being so pathetically challenged seemed cruel to her.

‘Why can’t I talk? Doesn’t seem fair that you tell me to shut up but all I’m trying to do is help. If they aren’t home they must be somewhere. I keep telling you to take me to the petrol station - because I’m sure that’s where they are - but all you do is tell me to shut up. I just want -’

‘Shut up! I’m going out of my -’ He interrupted himself to swear loudly and she flinched. ‘Just stop. They’ll be back -’

‘When it’s too late.’ Raymond slumped down on the narrow stairs, his shoulders stiff and numb. Hellie gazed at him for a half a moment and then hopped back up the stairs, banging on the door unnecessarily. ‘We are very sad out here, you know! You could at least have the decency to -’

It was hopeless. Raymond stared at the cigar shop across the street and detested the way they spelled ‘shop’. The lamppost that illuminated the ridiculous word began to flicker and Hellie stopped her useless attempt, although her face showed no signs of despair. She couldn’t hide much so it is wise to assume there was no despair to hide.

‘We don’t even know who we’re hiding from.’ Hellie sat down behind Raymond and wrapped her arms around his waist.

‘We aren’t hiding! We’re sitting in plain sight and if there was something to hide from we would be failing in every way!’ He jumped up and began pacing again. Hellie looked slightly hurt and didn’t seem to know what to do with her hands now that they were not wrapped around his waist.

‘I think you know who we should be hiding from.’ Her innocent curiosity was starting to grow in his mind like a puddle of orange acid. But he ignored her and continued pacing. ‘Well, if your parents were as competent as mine they would have a phone on them and we would be able to -’

Whenever Hellie mentioned her parents in comparison to Raymond’s there was a row. Or, if not a row, some kind of violence. ‘Dammit, Hellie! Your parents named you after -’ But he couldn’t finish; his fury had reached a point that he failed to comprehend and anything else that happened was beyond his control. Hellie only stared as he grabbed her arm and pulled her off the steps. ‘We’re leaving. We will go to your parents house and see if we get a better reception. Good idea?’ She started to fight him, her face the palest shade of grey.

‘Raymond! No - c’mon…it’s not funny! We - we - I’ll be quiet, I promise!’ Again, he ignored her. At the corner he waved down a taxi and shoved her inside. It smelled of wet leather and the act of trying to obscure cigarette smoke - an act that rarely succeeds. ‘I said I was sorry.’ Hellie scooted to the far side of the taxi, her shoulders hunched and her eyes just the tiniest bit more foggy than usual.

Raymond told the driver where to go and disregarded Hellie.

When they reached the knocked down part of town that Hellie’s parents occupied - not often the same part of town that Hellie made a habit of occupying - they climbed out, staring half-heartedly at the dilapidated apartment building.

‘That was dumb.’ Raymond had breathed enough badly disguised cigarette smoke to come mostly to his senses. He glanced at Hellie, feeling extremely guilty. But she didn’t forgive him, her childish obstinacy smeared on her shadowed face.

‘You didn’t pay the taxi driver and he just drove off without swearing at you like he usually does.’ She said it without emotion, like she was reading a quote from Abraham, Isaac or Jacob. Mostly because what she was saying was terribly important. Often she had no emotion for things that were even remotely serious.

‘Dammit.’ Raymond grew instantly very hot; his skin leaking a lipless, voiceless kind of fear.

‘Yeah. You’re a little bit dumb.’ Him being dumb was somehow not quite so serious and she giggled.

‘Well, it’s probably too late.’

‘Well...yes. I am forced to agree with you.’ It wasn’t Hellie’s voice.

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"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
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Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 149
Reviews: 83
Country: A place where people aren't very smart.
650 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh! So now you're using cliffies too?

Cyril reminds me of Jim Carrey mixed up with Kayo. That's just me, though.

Or maybe it's not a cliff-hanger, and Raymond is simply replying to himself. xDD

Tell me, which one frightens you more? The sun or Cyril?

Ah, my eyes are getting all dry for being open for too many hours. I'll get off soon, but first I'd like to point out that you haven't - er... haven't...
Dammit! I don't have anything to blame you about. Except that you're a bad influence. ^_^

Stay sane, even if your characters don't. Wink

-SELA

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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
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Age: 20
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 4

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it. You have some interesting, original characters. The dialogue doesn't really make sense, and that's OK, because that's obviously what you were trying to do, but when even the nonsense starts becoming disjointed, the story becomes harder to follow. All the mystery and ambiguity is good, too, but again, it's a little hard to follow when there's just so much of it. We've got two strange, possibly abusive couples wandering the world at random, with no end or purpose. I can see it coming together and connecting, at least to some degree, a little later in the storyline.

You're writing is very interesting. You manage to create a feeling that is simultaneously wistfully lighthearted and extremely dark, angry, and disturbing. It feels like there is a lack of description, which is strange, because you're pouring on the adjectives and adverbs most of the time. You put a lot of them in unexpected places, where they aren't usually used, and most of the times it comes out sounding great, and helps create the aforementioned feeling of strange, sick capriciousness. Sometimes, though, it's a little forced and awkward, and doesn't contribute to your stile, for exemple:

"making an attempt that seemed to carry no luck"

Doesn't really work; it seems like just putting "a failed attempt to look into the car window" would be easier to understand. Also, you like semi-colons a lot, even when they aren't needed.

Overall though, enjoyed it. I'd like to see you write something else, maybe in another genre, to really bring out your unique style.
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