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myfreindsavamp
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 Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: He's gay now. |
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*The thought kept going through my head so I wrote a poem. Hope this is better than other attepts.*
He said, “I love you.”
I answered, “I hate you.”
Now, look at him now,
His ideals are different.
Loving boys is his thing,
Staring after him is mine.
Everyone changes,
Even I.
My love grew for him,
As his for me dwindled.
He chases after another,
As I stand by his side.
He pushes me away,
As I accept him.
Now I say, “I am sorry, brother.”
My head bent, starting to cry.
He turns to me,
“It’s fine little sibling,” He says with a smile.
My heart melts with joy,
For my brother’s smile.
Not seeing for so long,
Can put perspective to different angles. |
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Last edited by myfreindsavamp on Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:56 am; edited 1 time in total |
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SIC
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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It was a good poem, but I'm not one who really likes discussing Homosexuality.
It is in a wierd style, and I wouldn't recommend it because its pretty hard to read, but it works out okay. It doesn't really "flow" Nor does it make much sense. If you take time and look over it you can make it better. Also the title could be diffrent.
But is this a true poem or fake? |
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myfreindsavamp
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:56 am Post subject: |
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It reminded me of a distant friend. So it's partly real but not completely.
And yes I understand that it doesn't flow or whatnot and I do need to go over a bit of the spelling. And yes it is a slightly sore subject for me too. |
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Raimunda
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Au Contrare!!!
I love wierd formatting.
Its makes layouts more interesting to read.
And I like this.
Its not a usual poem. People are always writing about love betweens girls and boys, but you tackled a bigger issue, and I think that that's what everyone should do. Not be quite so generic. |
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nickelodeon
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't quite understand it the first time i read it, and it's still a little foggy now. I'd try to clarify what's actually happening between them if you do a rewrite. (I like the format though. I don't think that's what made it confusing.)
The repitition of the word 'smile' in lines 18 and 20 seemed, well, repetitive. Maybe you could switch one of them out for 'grin' or some other synonym?
Nice poem. Nice message. Good luck in the future!
=) |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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well, good poem and a deep meaning, now to review:
i think the way you have the poem set up should change because it was a little hard to read. a couple of typos but that can be fixed. harshly i think this poem although meaningful can really become a memorable one so ....
keep trying
and remember you can do it, don't give up 
---Jon--- |
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myfreindsavamp
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: |
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I shall try. And I'll get to those typos and mistakes hopefully in a minute.
Thanks as always,
_amber |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:13 am Post subject: |
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Though the flow is slightly awkward, I think you manage most of this well. I did find the ending lines to be highly cliche and the schmaltz factor kind of spoiled the emotional tension of the rest of it. I understand the desire for a happy ending, but this felt like you rushed things and somehow it didn't ring true. Perhaps you could explore alternative ways of expressing this? You have very good balance in the first parts -- the back and forth between love and hate, and the different ways the characters change, was very good. Maybe you could try to bring this through to the ending as well.
Also, a couple of nit-picks: the repetition of "now" in "Now, look at him now," has me undecided -- I'm not sure if it works, or if it feels too close. You might want to experiment with different wording for that line. The line "even I" also feels wrong, even though it's technically correct. Perhaps rewording that sentence might help as well.
Kudos on a thought-provoking poem
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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phirebug
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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I think you chose to write on a very profound and delicate subject and that is awesome. Not just about homosexuality, but about acceptance from one's family about being one's self.
The poem was very vague so that if it weren't for the title you wouldn't be sure what it was about exactly.
Of course everyone's already mentioned the typos and what not, so I won't go there. I'll just give you a big pat on the back for the depth and heart of it.
If i were to offer any criticism, I would have to say that it did feel like it was cut short at the very end and needs a little elaboration.
I guess you know you have a good poem when no one wants it to be over. I'll be looking forward to your next masterpiece. |
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laura claridge
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: review |
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i *really* liked it. i'm big on the anti-homophobia thing, so this was a real nice piece to read.
at first, i thought it was a girl talking about her boyfriend, so i was a little confused when it said brother, but reading back over it, it made sense.
i enjoyed reading it, and am off to see what else you've done |
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Archstormangel
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:34 pm Post subject: |
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So did I. Now I'm thinking, is this about incest? It sounds like it, that's the message it's conveying. It's not very clear, it's a bit cliche, and the layout is too broken. Try revising it.
And when I say revising - you could make something completely different with the same idea. Keep working on it. |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:40 am Post subject: |
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I was a little confused. I thought it had to do with homosexual incest. Then, I read it again. And, it made much more sense.
So, I suggest editing it. Also, I like the style. It's isn't too unconventional.
Edit more. |
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Kiss of life
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: |
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This poem is odd.....I don't know why. I guess it is because it is talking about homosexuality....why do people say that? The title says gay so why don't we? Anyway the rythym of it is good and it rhymes very well. Good job.  |
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