Topic ID: 31108
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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 Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:31 pm Post subject: Someone to shoot the stars with me |
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**
So this is one of the later songs in my Musical. The singer in the first verse is my main character, Che Fitzgerald who’s made a bond with a street urchin who sings the chorus. Che learns to love her for the first time despite his otherwise cold heart.
Someone to shoot the stars with me
Tell me what you want kid,
I’ll empty my pockets, it’s true!
Ever since you made life worth living,
I’ve pledged my earth to you.
Chorus
All’s I want from this big world,
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me.
God was having a good day
When he figured we’d be saved,
‘Cause you’re hand fits mine so snugly,
Fate’s walked the road we’ve paved.
All’s I want from this big world,
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me.
Just looking at you’re little face, tears
The biggest jewels you’ve known.
Livin’ in a country blasted by war
A song rises in your hopeful tone….
All’s I want from this big world,
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me.
So rely on me forever,
And we’ll see the madness through.
I’m not that great at loving,
But believe in me my darlin’
I’ll shoot the stars with you.
I’ll shoot the stars with you. |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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As I said for your last song, this needs a lot of work, but that's why I'm here! I'll do something I don't usually do, and start off with my comments. I found tht a lot of this read more like dialouge than a song. Are you writing with a firm tune in mind? Because I always find it difficult to dd in a tune later. Now, onto my line crit,
Tell me what you want kid,
I’ll empty my pockets, it’s true! It's true that this part has a rhythm, but it doesn't have a beat. It speaking, not singing. Either re-write it, or let us know that it's spoken
Ever since you made life worth living,
I’ve pledged my earth to you. These two lines are a bit funny. I'd re-write this whole paragraph, because it's not lyrics, it's just dialouge to me.
All’s I want from this big world, All's? Do you mean All?
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me. The second and third line were good, but I'm not so sure about this one. I'm still having trouble singing his, and this line really interrupts the whole thing
God was having a good day
When he figured we’d be saved,
‘Cause you’re hand fits mine so snugly,
Fate’s walked the road we’ve paved. Again with this bit, a tune. Righ now I don't think you're writing with a tune, I think you're just writing things hat rhyme. That may work for poetry but not for lyrics.
Just looking at you’re little face, tears What's the tears in there for? It disturbs the rest of the verse, get rid of it
The biggest jewels you’ve known. This is a bit random. One minute it's her little face, and now it's jewels?
Livin’ in a country blasted by war
A song rises in your hopeful tone…. I like these last two lines, bt they still need work
Again, I can't stress enough the importance of writing without a tune. It doesn't seem like a song to me, just dialouge that's be formatted weirdly. This piece does need a lot of work.
Sorry if I was harsh, but I like your musical idea, so I'm just trying to help you as best I can. PM me if you don't understand anything or need some help.
Good luck! |
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mercipourlevenin
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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I adore this! It's so cute, AND well-written.
Just one error:
'Cause you're hand fits mine so snugly -> 'Cause YOUR hand fits mine so snugly.
A minor typo there. No big deal. I just thought I'd let you know in case you haven't noticed.
Good job! I look forward to seeing some more of your lyrics. |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:57 am Post subject: |
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Okay, E. These are the first lyrics by you that I've read. And they're great. I only hope I could hear the melody, but the one I imagined to it was OK. It's so cool you're writing a musical.
| Quote: |
All’s I want from this big world,
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me. |
The chorus is good, but I think you meant "all" in the first line. I like especially the third line.
| Quote: |
| Just looking at you’re little face, tears |
Your little face.
I had a little problems with the last verse, I mean the one before the two "I'll shoot the starts with you"s. It just doesn't seem strong enough, because the ending is so hopeful.
I'll go and see more lyrics by you, if there are some. See you around!
D xx |
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Sapphire
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350 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:35 pm Post subject: Re: Someone to shoot the stars with me |
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| Eimear wrote: |
**
Someone to shoot the stars with me
Tell me what you want kid,
I’ll empty my pockets, it’s true!
Ever since you made life worth living,
I’ve pledged my earth to you. |
I see what chocoholic means about the second line's rhythm. Obviously, we can't hear the tune you'll be singing it too, so it might work, but having it spoken might be a good idea otherwise.
| Quote: |
Chorus
All’s I want from this big world,
From the moon down to the sea,
Is for a shadow to skip alongside mine,
someone to shoot the stars with me. |
I wasn't thrown off by the 'All's' because I felt it added character to the wee girl. I liked it! However I think one sing-through of the chorus should be taken out - probably the first, so it goes two verses - chorus - second shorter verse - chorus - end.
| Quote: |
God was having a good day
When he figured we’d be saved,
‘Cause you’re hand fits mine so snugly,
Fate’s walked the road we’ve paved. |
I liked the last line in particular.
| Quote: |
Just looking at you’re little face, tears
The biggest jewels you’ve known.
Livin’ in a country blasted by war
A song rises in your hopeful tone…. |
Here's a suggestion which would make it fit the same structure as the second verse:
Looking at your little face
Tears the biggest jewels you've known
I really like the tears image!
| Quote: |
So rely on me forever,
And we’ll see the madness through.
I’m not that great at loving,
But believe in me my darlin’
I’ll shoot the stars with you.
I’ll shoot the stars with you. |
I think you have the main character singing the whole of the last verse but I'm imagining both singing 'So rely on me ... see the madness through' then the main character singing one of the next two lines and the street urchin singing the other. I think that would be really cute, but I'm not sure if either of the lines would be something the street urchin would sing. Then both characters would sing 'I'll shoot the stars with you' together. I hope that made sense!
Although they need some work, I really enjoyed reading them and making up a tune for them, so good job!  |
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