Topic ID: 28984
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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 Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject: Nevermind |
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~DELETED for a newer version~ |
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Last edited by OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo on Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:15 am; edited 3 times in total |
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EliteHusky
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| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 12:44 am Post subject: Quite Good |
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First of all this was very well written. You introduced the reader to character named Gwen and then flipped the world around to a situation when she was no longer there. The minor switches from posting dialogue within a paragraph to giving them their own line(s) was fairly good although I personally favoured the first half where the paragraphs appeared more "filled".
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| The macaroni and cheese jiggled at my fork’s touch. As un-appetizing as it looked, it actually tasted somewhat good. |
Very true!
Overall it was quite poetic and the fabric of the story despite changing was still very much understandable as a moment or glimpse into a girl's life before it changes and she gets transported away by the government.
Warm Regards,
-Elitehusky |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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You definitely did a better job on showing what the orphanage was like and illustrating Holly and Gwen's friendship before she was taken. But, even though those were important improvements, the characters continuedh to be slightly flat.
Holly continues to be less intriguing than I am sure you are capable of writing her and Tanner is just too cliche to draw attention. Try to make the dialogue less predictable and the characters more unique. For, while the story is interesting, it ends up being buried beneath boring characters.
Ask yourself questions about the characters, get to know them, write them in different and stranger situations just to see what they do. Make them react like real people instead of cardboard cutouts or undeveloped ideas. After you do this the story will be fantastic.
Good story, just need to work on the characters. Keep writing. |
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Sela Locke
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485 Points
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 5:35 am Post subject: |
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"We all mumbled “yes” and left out the front door."
Okay, I just wanted to point this out, for some reason it struck me as awfully awkward, 'left out the front door' seeming oddly flat.
'We all mumbled "Yes," and shuffled out the front door' seems a little better. ^^
On to the actual review,
I liked it slightly more than the original, but as Chern said, Tanner still seemed cliche, and even though you improved the first part, you didn't improve the second, so I felt like I was reading a book that was half-finished.
Maybe you should try to elaborate the second part also, so that it seems less... odd.
Well, good luck,
-Sela |
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Last edited by Sela Locke on Sun Jun 08, 2008 5:19 am; edited 1 time in total |
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thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
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| Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:05 am Post subject: |
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I actually really enjoyed this.
One thing that I'm not sure about is the jump. You swaped from these two guards and an escaped criminal to kids at an orphanage.
Also, the characters are rathar flat. Real people have many levels to them, and you need to show that in your characters. You must consider this in every line of dialouge: Fit the character, make it real. This is especially important for Holly, who seems to be your main character.
Tanner, naturally, didn't get developed due to his apparent rage. His question about her parents seemed oddly out of place.
My guess right now is that the escaped criminal from the prolouge is Tanner. Other then that, no extrodinary links.
One last thing: This was horrendously long, maybe you could shorten future chapters? Please? |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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Country: anywhere there's pen and paper
364 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm thinking about changing my story to third person instead of from Holly's point of view. Should I or would it not make it any easier/better and I'd be doing all of that work for nothing? |
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Lady of Fire
Junior Writer
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Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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i think you should keep the story in thrid person. but that's not my call.
anyways, this was very good. i just wished you put in more about Tanner. like the reviewers ahead of me, he's a little clique.
i hope to read chapter 2 soon, i'm interested to see what happens next. |
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v12dude
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300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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looks good yeah very good. Has good tension, sounds original and definitely made me think in places.
But: you used ya at least once, just wondering if ur going to use colloquialisms sue them more often.
There were some stages that I felt I was just readin speech, none of the characters seemed to have any physical response to what was being said, like when Tanner gets caught by the guard. I can understadn why you did it as it gives the reader information chunk by chunk. A way to solve this is to have less speech or more description of Holly's responses to what is going on in the car.
Otherwise good |
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