We went out to watch the sunset again after dinner. This time no words were said, but I sneaked glances at Steven often, reflecting on our talk in the hot tub.
“But I wonder how a guy like you and a guy like me be a couple! A gay couple, no less.”
“I think that you and I can be a couple easily if there’s only 6 years’ difference!”
“6 is a lot. And besides, we’re not really going to be a couple, right?”
“No,”
Somehow that conversation had made me wonder what would happen if we were a couple. I had no big experience in relationships, only week-long flings and a hook-up now and then. I didn’t really apply to the word “long-term.” But I knew that Steven had a three-year-long relationship with a girl, before he confessed his homosexuality. They stayed friends though, she swearing not to reveal his secret.
It was darkening by the time Steven noticed my fleeting looks. His eyes locked on mine, “What?”
I shook my head, embarrassed, “Nothing.” But I had noticed that he had a Tennessee twang in his voice like mine, where an “I” sounded like “aaah.”
Steven kept those eyes on mine, “You want to go inside?”
I nodded. He stood up, revealing the waistband of his white boxers as he stretched. The only thing that kept me from blushing about that was the image of my “homophobias” as I now called them. Why not, right? They called me “the next Edgar Allan Poe” now and then. And it wasn’t meant to be a compliment
His fingers closed around my wrist and he led me to the couch, where he plopped on it, “C’mere, kid. Lie down with me for a sec.”
“Why?” I asked nervously.
“I just need a change of scenery,” Steven admitted. “Please…lie down?”
“I don’t…” I looked around as if hidden cameras were in the shadowy corners of the suite.
“This isn’t a reality show,” Steven voiced my fears. “And the maid doesn’t come till the day after tomorrow.”
I gave in, reluctantly and cautiously lying down almost on top of him. I could see his face in detail, the small scar on his upper lip, the prominence of his cheekbones as he aged. He was a long way from when my family had him as a houseguest two years ago.
I voiced my thoughts, “You’re so different.” As I wove my hand through his dark brown strands, my fingers were pale compared to the dark-chocolate luster of his hair.
“Life hasn’t been a carnival ride for me.” Another confession from Steven.
“I can tell,” I said quietly, resting my chin on his chest. My fingers grazed his ear, my thumb rubbing against the stubble that was just beginning to sprout from where his sideburns had been. One of my arms twined around his neck. His hand rubbed its way down my back.
“Why don’t you get on top? You seem a bit squished.” Steven invited.
I was squished, but I shook my head. If word let leak to my “homophobias” that I laid on top of a gay guy, they would never let me live it down.
That thought made my head shake, made me get up and off the couch, “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“My friends. They’re so strict about what I should do.”
Steven was getting off the couch, “Fuck those friends! They don’t control your life, Jack!”
“I know, but—”
“No! No buts! We’re okay. There are no friends. No one to control you here. Just you and me. Understand that, Jack. Understand it.” Steven was in front of me, gripping my shoulders tightly.
“I don’t know—” I was interrupted once again.
“Let me show you how safe we are.”
I never had a chance to respond, to ask. Steven’s lips crashed down on mine and I found myself stumbling back. I hit the wall, lips still connected to his, my hands just starting to creep around his waist. It felt good. Steven was an expert, his warm, moist mouth making mine dance in a sensual rhythm. His scent clogged my senses, made me dizzy. I could feel the stubble underneath my lips as I parted them, hungry for more.
Steven broke away, backed away. I was speechless. All my sanity was gone. Lust pulsed through my blood, seeped through my pores.
“Steven…” I wanted to say so many things at once. I wanted to scream at him, hug him, hit him, kiss him again…
“I’m going to bed.” With that, I turned away from him. And I regretted those spoken words instantly.
