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chapter 1: Wrong place, wrong time
chapter 1: Wrong place, wrong time

by Undercover_Ninja in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on May 30, 2008
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The EagleFire Squadron:Chapter 1
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The EagleFire Squadron

The EagleFire Squadron

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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 5:44 am    Post subject: The EagleFire Squadron Reply with quote

This is the first chapter of many that either are completed, or are soon to be completed. (Hahaha, hopefully.) I am looking for all the feedback possible, whether it is positive or negative. Feel free to ask random, possibly annoying question, or leave comments. Thanks!

~Daniel

The EagleFire Squadron

By Daniel F.

Chapter 1: Unknown Sector: 0543 Hours

“Sir!” Jason Bax yelled, his voice filled with panic, “The fighters have disabled all weapons! We're defenseless!”

Commander Eric Rodgers swiveled in his chair, meeting the weapons officer’s expression with calmness. He had been in this situation before; there was no need to panic. That was the first rule to a space battle, never panic. After all, panicking led to mistakes, and even the slightest of mistake on the battlefield could cost the lives of many people.

“Alright,” Commander Rodgers replied, spinning his chair around towards the tactical officer. “What is the status on our launch bays?”

“Both are operational, sir,” the tactical officer gave a quick nod and then attempted to turn away.

“What?” Commander Rodgers was dumbfounded. “Collins!” He addressed the tactical officer harshly, “why have we not launched our fighters?”

“I…” Collins stumbled over his words, trying to formulate a response.

“Don’t give me an excuse, boy! Launch the fighters!”

“Scramble the fighters! Scramble the fighters!”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“All systems are a go, Alpha Three is standing by for launch confirmation,” Ryan Anderson said, his stomach in knots. This was it. Everything that he had learned throughout his years would be needed today, in this battle.

“Alright,” the launch commander said, “remember the objective: destroy all attacking fighters.”

Ryan responded with two clicks of his comlink. It was a fairly straightforward mission. The Alpha, Beta, Gamma, and Zeta wings, each composed of four fighters, were tasked to defend the Corvette Tranquility, which had been under attack for the last five hours. He had thought it strange that the Corvette had not launched its fighters at first sign of battle; instead it relied on the accuracy skills of the gunners. But even more bizarre was the fact that the enemy had not destroyed the Corvette’s launch bays.

In a space battle, the bays were the first things to be attacked. It was pretty obvious, a launch bay enabled small fighters to launch, and without them, air support for a capital-class cruiser was not possible. So, for an enemy not to attack them was a big mistake.

“It is a good thing too,” Ryan muttered to himself. Tranquility had made some costly mistakes in this battle, but the enemy either not seen them, or ignored them. Why they would ignore these mistakes, he did not know, but thanks to the enemy’s lack of action, it could cost them the battle.

“Careful on your way out, Alpha Three. You have two inbound assault fighters, each at two klicks away. Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Ryan flipped a switch, firing up his craft’s engines, and then scanned his instruments for one last time. It is time, He thought; show them what you’ve got!

“Releasing catapult break in five…” the launch commander began a short countdown, each number in beat with the pulse of every second. “Go!” A grinding noise underneath Ryan’s craft signaled the release of the catapult’s break, and then, as if paper on a rubber band, his fighter was slung across the lunch bay, just inches above the metal flooring.

Ryan’s eye’s rolled back into their sockets, as he was pushed back into his seat. Even in low gravity situations, pilots still felt the effects of high-speed acceleration. A Launch Catapult threw a small fighter craft from a standstill position, to a nauseating speed of over three hundred kilometers per hour in just under a second. It was such a fast speed that some pilots were known to blackout during the process.

Not that it really mattered though; the launch process was fairly simple and took little concentration. The acceleration was fast enough that the fighter craft was lifted off the ground by itself. The only problem was that, if launched directly into a space battle, a loss of consciousness could be the difference between life and death.

“Disregard the last transmission Alpha Three,” A barely audible voice came through Ryan’s comlink system, as his ship barreled down the short runway. “Three heavily armed bombers approaching at a distance of one klick. We’d recommend hitting the afterburner and pulling into a dive.”

Ryan smiled grimly. The trick was to exit the launch bay without being shot, and normally, that was a difficult task to perform. Most fighter pilots could set their shield power to the max and get by with that. But with a couple of heavily armed bombers at a short distance away, that was not an option for him. An accurately placed missile could easily rip through delicate hull of his fighter, even with full shields.

As the black space burst around his cockpit, Ryan shoved his flight-stick away from the center, pulling the craft into a basic dive. It was a simple maneuver, but it bought him a couple of seconds before the enemy could find a missile lock. It always took him a while to refocus his eyes after a launch, and a couple more seconds before he had to evade bought him that needed time to refocus.

Ryan shook his head, clearing his mind and refocusing his eyes, and then the metallic buzz sounded. Missile lock! He hit is stick forward; curving his craft back upwards, out of the dive. The missile lock warning stuttered off and Ryan breathed a quick sigh of relief. The attacking bombers were not the greatest craft, in terms of flight control, and a simple maneuver could easily shake them off a pilot’s tail.

Ryan rolled his flight-stick back to the left, and slammed the left petal down as well, causing his craft to spin counter-clockwise towards the enemy bomber. It was another basic tactic, used primarily to allow for head-to-head stand-offs. “Hah!” Ryan grinned grimly as the streaks of stars outside his canopy window came to a stuttering halt, and the enemy bomber came into view. “You don’t stand a chance.” He centered the bomber in the crosshairs of his targeting system, and, with a tap of the afterburner, he came into firing range.

The enemy tried to evade the obvious onslaught, pulling its nose up, but to no avail. As Ryan tapped the trigger, the laser bursts shot out, pelting the bomber and overloading the shield system. Without shielding, the second round of laser blasts were allowed to penetrate the fragile hull, and the bomber was no more.

Ryan slammed his stick back to the right, avoiding most of the hazardous debris that now floated aimlessly in the space, and brought up his tactical display screen. “Why is there another bomber on my tail?” Ryan questioned himself, frowning in disgust. The enemy had been making mistake, after mistake, after mistake, and yet, they were still winning the battle. He kicked the left petal in again, and pulling the stick upwards, his craft made a curl, wrapping around to face the enemy bomber.

The enemy was ready though, and the mechanical buzz of the missile lock rang in Ryan’s cockpit. He brought the flight-stick back towards his chest, but it was already too late, the bomber had launched missiles.

“Hey Three,” the voice of a comrade came through the communications system, “watch your aft, swarm-type missiles inbound.”

“Great,” Ryan muttered a response. Swarm-type missiles were the worst. Though they packed less of a punch, multiple missiles were launched at one time and they swarmed their target, hence the name. Ryan shoved the stick right, caressing the afterburner in order to gain more distance between the inbound missiles, and then rolled it back towards the center. The tactic did not work though; the missiles’ course was not disrupted.

Ryan grimaced, he had one last option: to launch a counter-measure. In theory, a counter-measure was a mechanical device used to interfere with the aspect lock of a missile. When launched from a starfighter, the device reprogrammed the aspect lock’s coordinates from the starfighter to the actual device itself. In theory. The actual percentage of missiles diverted was very low.

The missile lock warning screamed louder, signaling the approach of the missiles, and so, Ryan yanked at the flight-stick, forcing his craft into a roll, and launched a counter measure. He triggered the afterburner, and waited. A brilliant light filled up the backside of his cockpit window.

“It work—” Ryan was stopped as the radiant gold laser blasts lit up his portside shields. Not a good time to rejoice, Ryan thought, trying to juke the attacker off his tail, especially when you just foiled the pilot’s last plan.

“Can I get some help out here Alpha Wing?” Ryan asked. He had heard nothing from his wing since he entered the battlefield, not even from the leader.

“Alpha Three,” A female’s voice responded to his plea, “This is Beta One, I have you in my sights, hit your stick right and watch the enemy die.”

“It’s about time you got here!” Ryan laughed, he would recognize that voice anywhere. “Thanks sis.” He pulled his stick right, and watched his attacker explode behind him.

“Intel, what is the status on Alpha Wing?” Ryan inquired, dreading to hear the answer.

“Alpha One and Four are currently a-vehicular and Two has been destroyed, all by bombers. So, you’re on your own.”

Ryan clicked a response over the comm. regretting to have ever asked that question. It was not like he would not have found out sooner or later, but the fact that bombers had destroyed two fighters, instead of fighters, was a surprising one.

“All wings, the attacking waves have been eliminated, and Tranquility is preparing to make a jump,” the tactical officer said, his voice flowing through the entire squadron’s comlink system. “Jump time in five minutes and counting.”

Ryan relaxed in his seat, the battle was over, and it was one to be proud of because the Corvette had been successfully defended. They could return back to the ship and rest easy knowing that they had stopped the destruction of home for at least one more day. It was not a question of whether the Corvette would be destroyed or not, it was a question of when. A successful operation could only lengthen the days aboard the Corvette for a day or two, and then, a new operation would commence putting the Corvette at the same risk of destruction.

“Heads up pilots!” the tactical officer broke through the silence of the comlink. “We have a wave of fighters and a wave of bombers, inbound at seven klicks and counting.”

“Alpha, Beta, Gamma, form up on Zeta, let’s take out these ships,” The communications system became alive with the transmission of orders.

Ryan pulled the flight-stick around towards the enemy, and punched in his afterburner. “Enemy in range!” he called out as his ship’s weapons system made an aspect lock on the first enemy bomber. “Fox one and two away.”

The enemy bomber made a sloppy maneuver, but the missile kept its lock on the bomber, punching through its shields and destroying the craft.

“All pilots disengage! Return to Tranquility! We are ready to jump. I repeat, all pilots return to base!”

I've actually decided to clutter the forum with shards of my story, just so it keeps the chapter and the critiques together.



Last edited by eaglefire91 on Mon Jun 02, 2008 1:36 am; edited 8 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh, I like this! Personally, I haven't read any sci-fi in a long time, and this looks excellent. It was very...how do you say, interesting. I liked the battle scenes and the descriptions, but I think it was kind of slow.

In the beginning, you jump from the weapons captain's POV and then to Ryan's POV. I don't know what the weapons captain looks like, nor do I know what Ryan looks like. I'd like to know what these characters look like, so I get a better picture. Also, what does the home base look like? The hangar where all the wings are stored? What's Ryan's sister's name? I know it might distract the reader from the action, but it might provide vital information for later chapters (if you write some, of course.)

You have some good details in here. But I suggest that you add tons more to really make the story come alive.

Wink

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PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Ooh, I like this! Personally, I haven't read any sci-fi in a long time, and this looks excellent. It was very...how do you say, interesting. I liked the battle scenes and the descriptions, but I think it was kind of slow.

Heheh, thanks for the review. I'm glad that you like the battle scene and the descriptions. I also realized some of the items I copied and pasted from Word didn't come through, like the break in the middle of the page, when I switch POV.
Quote:

In the beginning, you jump from the weapons captain's POV and then to Ryan's POV.

Basically the first part serves as a hook and an intro into what my story is. Then it breaks off into my main character's, Ryan's, POV. You are not supposed to know what the Weapons Officer and crew members look like, for they have no importance in the story.

Hopefully, since there really isn't actual description in this first chapter it is all explained in the upcoming ones.

Thanks for the suggestions. They will impact the upcoming chapter.
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PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're welcome for the review! Anytime, really. Usually I find that stories are already reviewed so many times that I can't find anything to write about that's already been mentioned. But I saw your story, liked it, and decided to review because I thought it was off to a fantastic start!

And you're welcome again!

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PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good! Very good indeed!

I did catch a cpuple things, though

One, as insanity said, was the lack of description. You can only rely on the reader's imagination so much.

Two, the dialouge at the beginning was rather unrealistic. The first line, especialy the first line:

"Sir!" Jason Bax yelled, his voice filled with panic, "The fighters have disabled all weapons! We are defenseless!"

When people are speaking, unless they're trying to sound official or something, they use contractions. "we are" should be "we're".

Third, the characters aren't really developed. The seem realistic and all, but we haven't gotten a good idea of their personalities.

However, you did a really good job on hooking the reader by bringing in some action right away, and during the battle, the manuevers were amazingly realistic and well described. Kudos to you on that.

Overall, nice job!

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PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
One, as insanity said, was the lack of description. You can only rely on the reader's imagination so much.

Okay, I understand that I am lacking detail. But, what type of detail? Do you want detail on the character? The ships? Can you give me specifics?
Quote:
When people are speaking, unless they're trying to sound official or something, they use contractions. "we are" should be "we're".

That has been changed, thanks for pointing it out. (The downside to never using contractions is that you sometimes forget to use them in quotes.)
Quote:
Third, the characters aren't really developed. The seem realistic and all, but we haven't gotten a good idea of their personalities.

Hahaha, well, when I wrote this a year ago, I didn't know their personalities. =D But again, this solely as an intro to the upcoming chapters.
Quote:
Overall, nice job!

Thank you! I appreciate your comments and critiques!
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PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 6:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to concur with what was said by the other two reviewers; this could really do with much more description. I found it hard to visualise what was happening at some points for lack of description. I also think it would go far with some fleshing out of the characters.

As pointed out, I also thinking the dialogue is a little unrealistic. You should listen to the way people speak in real life carefully. I used to have trouble with speech (I still do) and I found that it really helped.

But it was very good!
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 1:52 am    Post subject: Re: The EagleFire Squadron Reply with quote

haha quick warning: I'm not a very nice reviewer. If anyone requests a review from me it's because they want a hard-core, un-sweetened crit. haha.


eaglefire91 wrote:


“Both are operational, sir,” the tactical officer gave a quick nod and then attempted to turn away.

“What?” Commander Rodgers was dumbfounded. “Collins!” He addressed the tactical officer harshly, “why then have we not launched our fighters?”

“I…” Collins stumbled over his words, trying to formulate a response.



Moves a bit fast for me. Show a little more hesitation in Collins' part.




eaglefire91 wrote:
Ryan responded with two clicks of his comlink. It was a fairly straightforward mission. The Alpha, Beta, Gamma, and Zeta wings, each composed of four fighters, were tasked to defend the Corvette Tranquility, which had been under attack for the last five hours. He had thought it strange that the Corvette had not launched its fighters at first sign of battle; instead it relied on the accuracy skills of the gunners. But even more bizarre was the fact that the enemy had not destroyed the Corvette’s launch bays.


haha....you lost me, mate. I'm confused....



eaglefire91 wrote:
Ryan’s eye’s rolled back into their sockets, as he was pushed back into his seat. Even in low gravity situations, pilots still felt the effects of high-speed acceleration. A Launch Catapult threw a small fighter craft from a standstill position, to a nauseating speed of over three hundred kilometers per hour in just under a second. It was such a fast speed that some pilots were known to blackout during the process.


Yay!! Some real actual science in science fiction!! I'm impressed. There's more your character should worry about, though. Tongue-swallowing, disorientation...add a little more. It would definately make this more realistic, and it might make your reader worry too, if done right. Maybe personally knowing someone whose skull imploded under the pressure...ahaha. ahem. Laughing But you get my point, don't you?


eaglefire91 wrote:
“Alpha Three,” A female’s voice responded to his plea, “This is Beta One, I have you in my sights, hit you your stick right and watch the enemy die.”


haha sorry. I can get rather picky when it comes to spelling/grammar/typos.

eaglefire91 wrote:
“It’s about time you got here!” Ryan laughed, he would recognize that voice anywhere, “Thanks sis,” He pulled his stick right, and watched his attacker explode behind him.


Whoa! Comma-splices galore!! haha. The green commas are too weak to hold two complete ideas together. Use a semicolon or a period, but not a comma. The blue one, however, I think is a typo. After all, there is no dialogue tag at the end, and you capitalized He.

eaglefire91 wrote:
Ryan clicked a response over the comm. regretting to have ever asked that question. It was not like he would not have found out sooner or later, but the fact that bombers had destroyed two fighters, instead of fighters, was a surprising one.


I didn't feel any remorse at all. I mean, really did not care that they died. Let me get to know them a little better. Force me to care. haha. But at the moment, the characters that died were just cardboard cut-outs behind a shadow stage. Make them important, even though they may be minor characters.

Also,
eaglefire91 wrote:
but the fact that bombers had destroyed two fighters, instead of fighters, was a surprising one
? What?


eaglefire91 wrote:
enemy bomber made a sloppy maneuver


It would be better if you described the "sloppy maneuver" to your reader.


Overall, it was good. There were quite a few info dumps, though, but other than that, I liked this. Well done, mate. Hope I helped.

pm me if you have any questions or if you need something reviewed!

~Vee

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Last edited by ~Volant~ on Sun Jun 01, 2008 11:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Okay, I understand that I am lacking detail. But, what type of detail? Do you want detail on the character? The ships? Can you give me specifics?


The characters especially, we have absoluty no physical info about them besides their gender. Describe EVERYTHING.

Oh, and advice on the dialouge:

When you write it down, say it out loud, as the character would say it. You'll catch anything unrealistic right away.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with all of the reviewers. It was slows in some places but then it would pick up again which made me keep reading. To put it simply, my favorite parts were the battles. It's also a little reminiscent of Star Wars and Battle Star Galactica though. I thought anyway. Clean it up, and you got a quality piece.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right. I guess I respond to these reviews. First off:
Quote:
It's also a little reminiscent of Star Wars and Battle Star Galactica though. I thought anyway.

Well? What did you expect? I mean, considering that I base it mostly off the movies/tv shows and the books. Honestly though, how can you have an original space battle scene after the movies came off? Very Happy

Quote:
The characters especially, we have absoluty no physical info about them besides their gender. Describe EVERYTHING.

I love how everything is not a specific. Razz Just kidding. Okay, so description needs to be added. I think that has been voiced by everyone.
Quote:
When you write it down, say it out loud, as the character would say it. You'll catch anything unrealistic right away.

Well... Sadly, this does not work for me. It still seems realistic to me. (Probably because I say would say it like that.) Can anyone give me a specific quote and tell me what they find wrong about it?

Alright this is most of it. The other stuff I don't feel like quoting right now. But. Everything said by everyone I can work on. (That is not an awkward sentence structure! Very Happy) I appreciate the critique, thanks guys! (and girls).
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So, let's talk about the battle itself. We start with a Corvette that is being escorted by a squadron of fighters. The battle has already been going on for five hours when the story begins.

Under such a context, it is very surprising that the fighters haven't been deployed. Usually, fighters are used to keep enemies at arm's length, so that they don't get close and, say, knock out your weapons.

This is way too implausible. So, we need a more plausible reason why the fighters aren't being used.

Possible Reason #1: They have been used, not just once, but multiple times. They're currently in the ship getting refueled and rearmed.

Possible Reason #2: The launchers were hit early in the battle, preventing any fighters from launching. Five hours later, they have repaired the system, allowing the fighters to be useful.

Either of these would make sense.

Quote:
“What?” Commander Rodgers was dumbfounded. “Collins!” He addressed the tactical officer harshly, “why have we not launched our fighters?”

“I…” Collins stumbled over his words, trying to formulate a response.

“Don’t give me an excuse, boy! Launch the fighters!”


This dialogue seems very hokey. In the heat of battle, there is literally no time to berate your subordinates. This activity is reserved for after the battle is over, if they survive that long.

Another thing is the use of "boy." I think it would be more harsh if the Commander used Collin's rank instead of "boy." Also, Commander Rodgers doesn't seem in control of the situation. After being on duty for five hours, he should know that fighters haven't been deployed, simply because he hasn't ordered it. In fact, if they've been withheld, it was probably on his orders.

This sort of thing challenges the believability of the story.

Quote:
“Alright,” the launch commander said, “remember the objective: destroy all attacking fighters.”


Launch Commander sounds cool, but it is way too specific. It sounds like this is the job of an Air Traffic Controller. Also, it seems really silly for this guy to remind the pilot of his mission. I mean honestly, how hard is it to remember the single mission objective? The entire point of being a fighter pilot is to engage other fighters. How do you forget that?

I suggest replacing this dialogue with something along the lines of "Good luck" or something describing the position of targets. There isn't a lot of time to say stuff, so what is said should be important.

Quote:
Ryan responded with two clicks of his comlink. It was a fairly straightforward mission. The Alpha, Beta, Gamma, and Zeta wings, each composed of four fighters, were tasked to defend the Corvette Tranquility, which had been under attack for the last five hours.


In the USAF and RAF, a wing refers to multiple squadrons. Four fighters would be a flight, and a section would be about two fighters. You might want to use a similar terminology for your story, so as to avoid confusion.

If you tighten up the terminology and make it plausible, it will become much better.

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Last edited by Griffinkeeper on Mon Jun 02, 2008 9:05 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just a little helpful hint, not a big bad review.
MORE DETAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, now that thats off my chest.
Way more detail woud be nice. I can't imagine any part of your story. I was subbing with StarWars so I could imagine it happening.
Describe the Character, The Ship he pilots, any relationship with the ship, his feelings toward the ship or its crew. Make Ryan, Ryan. Make him a oerson who is as real as the computer your writing on.

Hope that helped. Smile any questions feel free to PM.

Good Luck Very HappyVery Happy;D

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that a lot of the things Griffinkeeper mentioned will help to draw in a little more realism. he only other thing that I think detracted from it was the dialogue. If you'd like me to cite specific examples:

Quote:
“It is a good thing too,” Ryan muttered to himself.

It's - definitely it's. If I were you, I'd control-F the words "it is" and replace them with "it's" whenever they're in dialogue.

Quote:
“Careful on your way out, Alpha Three. You have two inbound assault fighters, each at two klicks away. Good luck.”

If I were talking, I would say something like "you've got two inbound assault fighters" or "you're up against two inbound assault fighters," not have. I'm not sure why, but this is another line that sounds a little too formal.

Quote:

“Disregard the last transmission Alpha Three,”

I think you need a comma after transmission, since it's a direct address to Alpha Three.

I really enjoyed this. I don't usually hang out in the Sci-Fi forums, but if the stuff posted here is usually this cool, I might have to stop in here a little more often. Nice job, I'll look forward to reading the next few chapters.

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This thread was created on May 30, 2008

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