Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
Epic Novelist
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Posts: 3825
Reviews: 647
Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 9:40 am Post subject: |
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I think without the final stanza it's already quite political, but along the lines of originality, no. Let me show you a song by one of my fave bands, Anti-Flag:
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The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
Alright!
Time to see the world as a whole!
Time to light the fire with the fuel!
That's a conscience movement,
in our hearts.
Everywhere you look red white and blue
Everywhere you look they're fooling you.
Every revolutionary
was once considered an enemy
Cointel underminded the life
Of Dr. Martin Luther King
Everywhere you look red white and blue
Everywhere you look they're fooling you.
One people, one struggle!
Stand United, Stand Peaceful!
One people, one struggle.
Time to see the world as a whole.
Time to light the fire with the fuel.
That's a conscience movement,
in each and every one of your hearts!
Everywhere you look red white and blue
Everywhere you look they're fooling you.
One people, one struggle!
Stand United, Stand Peaceful!
One people, one struggle.
One people, one struggle!
Stand United, Stand Peaceful!
One people, one struggle.
The union,
Of free thinking,
Colors don't,
Mean liberty.
The union,
Of free thinking,
The union,
Of free thinking.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated!
One people, one struggle!
Stand United, Stand Peaceful!
One people, one struggle!
Stand United, Stand Peaceful!
One people, one struggle!
Stand United, Stand Peaceful!
One people, one struggle!
Stand United, Stand Peaceful!
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated.
The people, united, will never be defeated!
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Now look here, this is basically the same. But whereas your, so called political stanza may of given it some originality. Without it, it trite and contrived, same old, same old.
Overall: Add the last stanza and pm me back, then I can say whether this is original or not.
Good luck
VSN |
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We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
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Posts: 3023
Reviews: 1160
Country: If I told you I would have to kill you
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 5:01 am Post subject: |
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"A million like
come from a million different ways."
Like... what? :S
Hmm... A sad and true poem.
I have a few minor things I would like to address.
"Silence the bad,
silence the crowd."
I would like to know about... the good? If you silence the crowd one would hope there is good in the crowd so if you silence it how do you hear the good? The one good voice that continues on throughout the poem?
I think... perhaps you can change it.
In your fifth stanza, you start your third line with AND, which ... usually isn't a good thing to start a sentence with. A line, yes, but a sentence. I think you should take the AND out of the beginning. Also in the 4th line of the 5th stanza you say "They" will etc... and is THEY the NATION or the NONCONFORMISTS?
I see it as either way. It'd be a bit better if you somehow clarified the word "they".
I think that the last stanza was great for this piece. It summarized it, and I liked the wording.
(Don't listen to my crazy anti-american government boyfriend -- you can add the stanza if you want to or not. I think this is pretty original... because it wasn't offensive or hateful. That's why we're in Narrative Poetry  )
---Elizabeth |
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sday1607
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 21
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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I sounds a little like Martin Luther King's 'I have a dream' speech, but not in a bad way. A more, developed, structured way.
I like the line breaks and it is grammatically sound too.
However, I don't like the rhyming scheme that much in the last 2 stanzas, where it sounds more forced. 'Conform' and 'storm' just don't do it for me, whereas 'one' and 'home' is a half-rhyme and doesn't follow the them of the rest of the poem. 'Conform' and 'reform' perhaps?
Having said all that, I love the poignancy of the last stanza and its delivery.
'All the people conform' could change to 'all its people conform', which rolls more easly off the tongue.
It's a great poem, and keep writing!
Sday |
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