LoveableLittleSock
There is no guarantee I won't tear it apart...
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Jan 2008
Posts: 472
Reviews: 157
Country: United States of America
311 Points
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 Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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And here I am with my third critique (second, really. The last one wasn't really a critique)
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| they kiss me with their sticky lips, they cry in my hair. |
Put "they kis me with their sticky lips, and they cry in my hair."
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| And my dead brother’s body in a cold casket. |
"Lying in a cold casket?" Nice imagery, by the way.
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| I don’t believe that my mother’s weak, or that my father has cried. |
This is the present: "or that my father is crying."
***
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| It’s just my brother and me left. |
"My brother and I."
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| I half-expect him to respond, but, of course, he doesn’t. |
No comma between but and of course. "I half-expect him to respond, but of course, he doesn't."
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His face is pale, and I know that, if I touch his skin, it’ll be cold. |
To many commas. "His face is pale, and I know that if I touch his skin, it'll be cold."
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| Looking down at him, knowing that he won’t respond, won’t move. . |
Since the sentence before is saying "I know this is going to be the hardest part." You would use your repetition by saying, "To look down on him, to know that he won't respond, won't move."
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| “Wake up!” It’s loud enough for my family to hear, but none come. |
But nobody comes.
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| He’s not supposed to be dead. |
He isn't supposed to be dead, not "not."
**
I admit, I almost cried at the end. I was actually close to tears! It was so dramatic, the one-sentence paragraphs and the clever use of repetition. This story was brilliantly written, and I loved all three chapters. I hope my critiques did a little justice.
~*Sara*~ |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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JFW1415 - last part? Aw.
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My mother has to go to another room she’s crying so hard, but people pretend not to notice.
First part awkward, consider rephrasing?
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I don’t believe that my mother’s weak,
Hmm, I dislike that “weak” part. It’s just her way to reacting to the tragedy, and was said in the text. Now, if we knew that she was “strong”, or something along those lines before, then all would be okay. If the latter, then perhaps add something like that in the retrospection.
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People glance inside the room, but they pretend not to notice me and continue on.
One quote up. Perhaps that is what makes it stand out, but consider using another expression?
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I half-expect him to respond, but, of course, he doesn’t.
I don’t like that madly split with comma “of course” sentence.
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His face is pale, and I know that, if I touch his skin, it’ll be cold.
Last two commas needed?
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“Wake up, Brendan,” I whisper.
Was whispering already… consider changing that?
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He stands tall once more, his shoulders straight, his face content.
“shoulders straight and face content”
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He’s given himself another task, and he has eliminated the option of being weak,
“and has eliminated”
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I thought finding his body – so close to death – was heart wrenching.
Not “would be”, also? And I think I do dislike that expression… He is dead, no? “so close”? Hmm.
Touching and extremely sad, that is for sure. This last section is mostly about Katherine’s emotions, though we see the others’, too.
There isn’t much I can say, methinketh. I like this, and hope that your teacher did, too. It was well written, it grabbed and claimed my attention, and I adored the ending. Everything that I could, I ranted about in the earlier sections. Here you get paeans for the overall-ness and in general. : )
Cheers,
Esme |
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"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
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