Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Old Soul
Old Soul

by bent in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on May 31, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
12 Shocks of Christmas, Pt. 1
12 Shocks of Christmas (Pt. 2)
12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 3)
12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 4)
12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 5)
12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 6)

12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 7)

Topic ID: 30907
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum

455
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1010
Reviews: 455
Country: Candyland
322 Points

PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 4:12 pm    Post subject: 12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 7) Reply with quote

It's been ages since I continued this, but I've been so busy, I couldn't find the motivation to continue it. Now school has come to an end, so while I can, I'm taking the time to try and finish this novella. I still have a long ways to go. Sorry for the enormous delay. Hopefully my fans will forgive me.

Synopsis: So it's the Seventh Day of Christmas. For the past two days, they were at their grandparents' house with their family. Gramma died on the Fifth Day of the Five Golden Rings; Grampa died on the Sixth Day of the Six Geese [A' Laying].

Part 7

December 31

We started packing the car the next day. Grampa was taken away yesterday, and Mom insisted we stayed home to clean up the house from the Christmas celebration. This morning, everyone was slow to getting started, and no one was in high spirits. Losing your grandparents in two consecutive days was not easy.

“Gwampa?” Susie would say with the tilt of her head. “Gwamma?”

Mom strapped her into the car seat either refusing to answer or at a loss for words. Susie was a bright tot and knew full well Gramma and Grampa always waved good-bye to us. Teddy hardly noticed; in fact, he was sound asleep.

The drive home seemed longer than forty minutes, but when we finally arrived, I helped Dad carry the luggage into the house. The morning went by slowly, and there was nothing cooked for lunch. Mom and Dad escaped to the computer with their cell phones as well as the house phone to make arrangements for the funeral. Sara did the laundry, and I…I answered the door after the bell rang.

“Mabel,” I said dully, though my eyes widened at the sight. I didn’t know whether to be happy or angry to see her; she was hot, and yet she killed my grandparents.

“Hey, Phil!” the brunette said, walking into the house. She flung her arms around my neck in a warm embrace, and I smelled the familiar lavender of her brown curls. She looked up at me with her bright blue eyes. “I missed ya.”

She pecked me on the lips, but I didn’t encourage anything more. Sara stepped into the hallway, and my memory returned. I closed the door and faced Mabel; but before I could say anything, she handed me a box wrapped in the same blue-glossed wrapping paper. “Merry Christmas!” she said cheerfully.

I took it.

Mabel’s eyebrow cocked, and she shuffled her feet uneasily in the silence. She looked to Sara whose eyes glinted with anger then back to me. “Did I come at a bad time?” she asked innocently.

“Our Grampa died yesterday morning,” I said, walking into the living room. Mabel skipped behind me.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she said. I didn’t hear any sympathy in her voice.

“And our Gramma died the day before,” Sara added coldly.

Mabel hesitated before repeating, “I’m sorry.”

I turned on my heel and faced my girlfriend. “And the day before that – for four days straight – I was going insane.” I stepped closer to her. “It was as if it were all planned out.”

Mabel’s brow furrowed. “Are you feeling alright?”

“No, I’m not feeling alright!” I said angrily, throwing my hands in the air, the sunshine glinting off the blue present.

“You didn’t get enough sleep last night, did you?” Mabel asked. I couldn’t tell if she was dodging the question on purpose or not; I assumed she was.

“I couldn’t sleep in the least because my two grandparents died in two consecutive days – one day each! Two days, Mabel! You don’t even know how much that hurts us!”

Mabel studied my angry and depressed face, looked at the now-crying Sara, and finally said, “I think I’ll come back at a later time. You take a nap so you’re not so cranky when I come back.”

“You can leave and never come back, and I’ll still be cranky, Mabel!” I nearly shouted.

Mabel didn’t seem affected by my tone, though. “You really don’t mean it. I’ll be back. You get some rest.”

I didn’t stop her from turning around and leaving the house. I didn’t do anything but stand there, calming myself down. I got a little out of hand, though it was very much worth it. Even Sara took a few deep breaths, but she did a better job holding back her anger.

I threw the present on the armchair, refusing to open it. No good would come out of that box, I was certain. Sara left the room as the dryer beeped its finish. I looked down at Susie and Teddy who played with their Christmas presents next to the tree. Teddy held his stuffed green dinosaur and marched it around the floor.

“Rawr! I eat you!” he threatened, lowering his voice as much as he could. He charged Susie’s doll as she clothed it in the pink frilly dress it came with.

Susie yanked her doll away from the intimidating monster. “No! Molly’s mine! Go eat a box!”

“Box no yummy!” Teddy growled, bouncing the dinosaur to signify it was speaking. “I eat you!”

“Here,” Susie said and swirled around on her bottom to face Teddy and settle the argument. “You be Molly’s pet.”

“I no dog,” Teddy grunted. “I monster! Rawr!”

I left them to play with their dangerous toys in peace. I went to burn the rest of my miserable day – and possibly my life – playing on the computer, but that quickly ended when I simply got sick of hearing the funeral plans. I went to my room and read my book in the end. Sleep overtook me in short time.

I woke up to a terrifying, high-pitched scream with muffled crying following. Jumping from my bed, I ran out of my room, nearly falling down the stairs as I tried to follow the source of the scream and crying – which, to my horror, sounded like Sara.

I stopped by the living room, and I thought I would faint. The blood rushed from my face, my heart beat in my ears. Sara stood in the other entrance from the kitchen, her mouth wide open, the laundry basket toppled over on the floor by her feet. We were both frozen to the spot at what we saw.

Sitting on the carpet was a tearful Teddy as he shook the limp body. Susie didn’t move, lying facedown on the floor. Mom and Dad stormed upstairs and stood behind me. I was pushed aside as Mom ran into the room and knelt by Susie. Dad followed suit, trying to look as calm as he could, but his face was pale.

“Oh my god,” Mom whispered, putting her hands to her mouth. I couldn’t see Susie due to Dad crouching in my vision, but I saw the look on Sara’s face. She screamed again and put her hands to her mouth much like Mom.

“Call Nine-One-One!” Dad shouted. I jumped and ran to the phone in the kitchen. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew something was not right. I told of the situation, of our address. I didn’t sound as panicky as I should have been, trying to contain myself so as not to drive anymore fear into Sara. She was as stiff as a board, threatening to tip over into the laundry basket.

I couldn’t stand here on the phone any longer, but the operator wouldn’t let me go. She continued to ask questions, and I continued to answer to the best of my knowledge. I was bouncing on my toes, playing with the rubber bands on the desk, clicking my tongue to my favorite song – anything to keep me from getting nervous; however, they were the results of my anxiety. I had to see what happened to Susie. Hopefully she just fainted.

It definitely wasn’t Mabel’s gift. I hadn’t opened it, and no one argued with me when I threw it into the armchair – not even Susie. Of course, she was busy dressing Molly, and Teddy was busy eating everything. Unless…

I heard faint sirens and said just that to the operator. She finally let me hang up, and I sprinted into the living room. I stopped short at the sight of Susie, tripping over my own feet and falling flat on my face. It didn’t matter. I saw what I wanted to see and regretted ever seeing it.

Susie was sprawled on the floor, her face stained with tears of blood, her eyelids draped over the sockets of her eyes. The gaunt look of her tiny face was as bad as the horror movies; it was like a skull with skin wrapped tightly around it.

Someone banged on the door, and I dashed over to open it. A pile of doctors darted into the house, walking into the room I indicated. They carried a stretcher as well as a bag of medical items. A couple police officers also walked inside and followed the emergency crew.

It took time for them to get her onto the stretcher. Mom was bawling for her daughter, refusing to leave her side. Dad picked up Teddy so he didn’t get trampled by the doctors. I held the door open so they would take the stretcher to the ambulance and noticed, as they passed me, Susie was holding something in her hands.

“Wait!” I called, bounding outside after them.

“No time, son,” the officer said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“She’s holding something,” I panted. Escaping his grasp, I ran up to the stretcher. A woman doctor had already inspected Susie’s grip. My sister wouldn’t let it go. Her grip was so tight; the doctor struggled to remove the item from her grasp. I saw enough of the item to know what it was.

“Never mind,” I muttered. The doctor heard me and gave up instantly, running Susie into the ambulance. Mom ran after Susie and hopped into the vehicle with her. Dad insisted on staying with Teddy, Sara, and me.

We watched the ambulance drive away, but the police cars were still there.

“Can you tell us what happened?” said the gruff voice of the officer that tried to stop me.

Turning around, the three of us faced the two officers.

Dad did the dad thing and spoke first. “I don’t know, Officer,” he said. “I was downstairs making plans for my parents who recently died. My wife was with me. I guess Sara and Phil would know; they were upstairs.”

Sara didn’t speak. She stared at her feet, sniffing, her arms folded around her. The gazes of Dad and the officers were on me. Teddy looked down the street from Dad’s shoulder, his eyes glazed over. He still held his toy dinosaur.

“I…” I didn’t know what to say. Should I tell them Mabel came? Should I tell them of the Christmas gifts? Of the curses? “I was reading in my room.”

“Sara?” Dad said, ignoring the officers’ desire to question me further. “What were you doing?”

“Laundry,” she said in between sniffles.

The interrogation continued, and Sara and I carefully avoided mentioning Mabel and the gift. We weren’t insane, and no one could do anything about the china figurines. I walked Sara into the house when we were finished. I had to see for myself. I couldn’t believe what Susie was holding; but, then again, I could.

We stopped short of the living room. Our eyes fell on the armchair, the scattered pieces of blue paper, the silver ribbon lying in two pieces, and a pair of scissors sitting carelessly on the side table. Six white swan figurines were thrown aside into the corner of the chair; the seventh was in the ambulance car.


_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber

CIA -- Join today!
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
TL G-Wooster   View This User's Portfolio
magic is fun! we're dead
Epic Novelist

818
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 3602
Reviews: 818
Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles
412 Points

PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woo, update. ^_^

As always, sound, enjoyable, creepy. Is it going to go through everyone?

Quote:
“Mabel,” I said dully, though my eyes widened at the sight.


That bit just doesn't feel right. Make it smoother.


Quote:
I didn’t know whether to be happy or angry to see her; she was hot, and yet she killed my grandparents.


Is that meant to be as funny as it is? Only it really is. Wink


Quote:
He charged Susie’s doll as she clothed it in the pink frilly dress it came with.


Again, the last bit just feels awkward. ... as she dressed it in the frilly pink frock it came with or whatever?

_________________
Most people run screaming to the therapist when they hear voices. I write. –Laurie Halse Anderson
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
rawr
Master of the Forum

610
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1690
Reviews: 610
Country: USA
915 Points

PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, Jabber, this is getting morbid.

Hehe. Okay, I honestly think that everything is happening too quickly. Everyone is dying too quickly! Ugh! I think it's gonna be impossible to write how the parents will deal with the loss of Teddy, Granma and Granpa. It's just too many deaths too close together. I'm not gonna ask you to change the deaths or anything, they are well planned out. It's just... how would you react if your grandparents just died? Would you go on the computer? Would you read a book? You'd probably cry yourself to sleep. Or, that's what your parents would do. Death is a terrible thing.

And then when Teddy gets a hold of the seventh swan, I found that part a little unrealistic. I think the parents would go into shock or something. It would be so terrifying to lose a child like that, but to lose a child right after grandparents died on two consecutive days? Well... maybe I'm just getting a little too into this. I'm so addicted to this story, it's not even funny!

Okay, this bothered me:

Quote:
“Call Nine-One-One!” Dad shouted.


I would simply just put in the numbers because it looks kind of awkward like this. "Call 911!" Day shouted.

Quote:
“Oh my god,”


"Oh my God,"

Anyway, fantastic! This was really great! I can't wait to read more! Keep writing and PM me with the next update.

Man, I can't STAND Maybell!

-Jared

_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Ratter-chan   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

6
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 13 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 6
Country: The wonderful country of I-Made-This-Place-Up-Off-The-Top-Of-My-Head.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. I read all of the parts of this story and I can't wait for the next! All of your characters have their own personalities, and your imagery is great(although it is very creepy at times...) The part about Susie was incredibly sad, but you did a very good job on it. I didn't find any errors in your story, awesome job! Anyway, keep up the good work! (I really want to know how it ends!) Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Insomnia   View This User's Portfolio
The meaning of life is stuck to your shoe!
Novelist

201
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 477
Reviews: 201
Country: New Zealand
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 12:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Jab. I never got around to critiquing this, and I think I owe you quite a few still, so...

Quote:
Mom strapped her into the car seat either refusing to answer or at a loss for words.


Bah. You're the grammar/punctuation queen. Either or a comma or a semi-colon goes after "seat," I believe. You know which. Razz

Quote:
but when we finally arrived,


Quote:
The morning went by slowly,


Quote:
“Mabel,” I said dully,


You're better than relying on adverbs, Jab. *pokes* Use more vivid description, and cut them out. Gives you some word padding if you need it, too. Wink

Quote:
“Hey, Phil!” the brunette said,


I think "the brunette" sounds awkward. You've been talking about her up to this point, so say "Mabel," or at least "she."

Quote:
She looked to Sara whose eyes glinted with anger then back to me.


That sentence would benefit from a comma somewhere, I believe.

Quote:
Mabel skipped behind me.


She skipped? Wow, now I really hate her. You characterise her well in this part.

Quote:
“I couldn’t sleep in the least..."


Unrealistic for the middle of an argument. Remember, things speed up, your words contract more. Say "at all," or get rid of those few words completely.

Quote:
You take a nap so you’re not so cranky when I come back.”


Shocked She is evil. More freaky than most villains, anyway. xD

I love the dialogue you have between Teddy and Susie. It actually sounds like how some of my cousins talk. Laughing

Quote:
but that quickly ended when I simply got


Adverb again. Just get rid of it. That won't have a very big impact.

Quote:
I woke up to a terrifying, high-pitched scream with muffled crying following.


If he's upstairs, and the crying is muffled, how does he hear it?

Quote:
I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew something was not right.


That's somewhat obvious, and redundant.

Quote:
A couple police officers also walked inside and followed the emergency crew.


"A couple of..."

That's all I found. And now I'm reading of the crit and realising that I sound mean, so sorry if you read it that way. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. ^^

-Mat

_________________
The artist formerly known as Insanityabounds.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on May 31, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on May 31, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does. - Anonymous
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society