Topic ID: 30412
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Icaruss
Disgustingly Honest. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 14 Sep 2005 Posts: 478 Reviews: 112 Country: Peru. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:52 am Post subject: Things Seen In Cab-Ride #276 |
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The wealthiest party in the poorest part of town,
where old men masturbate to thoughts of
wealthy suits and hybrid cars.
And somewhere a woman's fallen down,
she’s given up, she is beat,
her eighteenth son died today,
it was the heat.
There’s laws passed for the rich,
there’s a concert for the poor,
there’s a riot going on,
they say that this will last too.
The carpets are carpeted, the sky is blue and clean,
tell your mother that the problem is it just can’t be seen.
There’s lights in the alley, screams in the dark,
I got my iPod™ headphones on, though, so I just can’t hear them cry.
People want equality! Peace and love,
so they lynch a white man and they worship a white dove.
The cops run wild, beat up a young man
but he raped a little girl, so it’s alright.
The imagery, it is broken.
The songs are doom and gloom.
Dylan’s voice is all rusty.
The Pope™ is a raccoon.
Priests teach the children to bend over and receive,
while parents teach their kids to dance around and sing,
for these people, these people,
these people that I hate,
they tell me please do this so I do that instead.
We abuse African countries,
but give them some food too
and there's a man in the TV,
he’s been shot, stabbed, raped three times
but it’s just for laughs so I don’t mind.
And yes, you're right,
I’ve lost all touch with reality.
Hey, I don’t mind much.
I washed my hands once already,
I don't want them to get dirty yet again. |
_________________ All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man?
Last edited by Icaruss on Tue May 20, 2008 7:24 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Jan 2008 Posts: 646 Reviews: 314 Country: In a Dickens novel 300 Points
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 10:36 am Post subject: |
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Whoa Icaruss - this is really very raw and graphic. You've won a gold star already by sheer nerve, I've never read a piece like this.
Am I right in thinking this is in a poor country? What am I saying, of course it is. I was just checking though, you can never be sure. S1 is quite shocking:
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The wealthiest party in the poorest part of town,
where old men masturbate to thoughts of
wealthy suits and hybrid cars.
And somewhere a woman's fallen down,
she’s given up, she is beat,
her eighteenth son died today,
it was the heat. |
There's definately enough showing. I liked the way the last line was rhyming and sarcastic. The scene is garish and vivid.
S4 is powerful and though-provoking:
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People want equality! Peace and love,
so they lynch a white man and they worship a white dove.
The cops run wild, beat up a young man
but he raped a little girl, so it’s alright. |
Brillant irony.
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And yes, you're right,
I’ve lost all touch with reality.
Hey, I don’t mind much.
I washed my hands once already,
I don't want them to get dirty yet again |
That was my favourite stansa. There's a few issues with grammer, but they can be amended easily. Well done, my friend. It needed to be told, and you did it with integrety. Bravo.
Hope and Best Wishes,
Eimear xx |
_________________ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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panic at the rodeo
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 06 May 2008 Posts: 49 Reviews: 10
300 Points
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:05 pm Post subject: Great Poem! |
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That was an intense poem! It was so straight to the point I was a little appalled... I like the talk about the African countries... It seems like it's a little too true in society today... You have such an almost anarchist voice in the poem... Sadly... the turmoil is all too realistic to avoid...
Anyways! It was a great poem... I def. gave you a gold star for that one!
~Panic At The Rodeo |
_________________ Live life the right way:
JUMP IN MUD PUDDLES!!! |
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tensazangetsu329
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 27 Reviews: 8 Country: United States of America 300 Points
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Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: ... |
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| This work is sad but true. This is an example of what the world has become and is becoming. Nice work. It got to me and not much does. You have nice works here. But you may want to take off some symbols or things like next to the pope. It is good. Keep writing and you could be another Robert Frost. |
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Icaruss
Disgustingly Honest. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 14 Sep 2005 Posts: 478 Reviews: 112 Country: Peru. 300 Points
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Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Changed the symbol next to the Pope and the iPod to the ™ symbol, which makes more sense and hopefully you guys can see now. |
_________________ All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man? |
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God
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 189 Reviews: 49 Country: U.S.A. 300 Points
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Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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Viva La Revolucion! this is a very angry poem, or at lest, its passionate. and i have to agree, the last stanza is probably the best, youre saying, "If this is real-life, real life can go to hell" , right?
this poem seems angled to make people open their eyes and look at the world, to look at the horrible stuff that goes on daily, the kind of stuff that we just brush off and ignore. great job. |
_________________ Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 31 May 2007 Posts: 1615 Reviews: 516 Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius 318 Points
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Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 2:16 am Post subject: |
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Jus so you know, I'm going to crit this poem as lyrics, since you replied to my lyrics critique request thread. Now... onto my critique!
Overall, I liked it. I got a tune in some places, but there were parts when it wouldn't work. I didn't like this line:
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| The Pope™ is a raccoon. |
I liked what you were saying in it, and I thought you pulled a lot of it off really well. For instance, this bit:
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| so they lynch a white man and they worship a white dove. |
I thought was really sweet, but it makes me think a lot.
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| but it’s just for laughs so I don’t mind. |
Am I right in assuming this is supposed to make us think about how we watch things like killings? Because that's how I interpretted it.
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I washed my hands once already,
I don't want them to get dirty yet again. |
Great ending. It reminded me a lot of something I've listened to. Did you get the inspiration from somewhere?
Overall, really good poem/song. Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but it really is very good. |
_________________ *Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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Icaruss
Disgustingly Honest. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 14 Sep 2005 Posts: 478 Reviews: 112 Country: Peru. 300 Points
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Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the reviews!
(bump) |
_________________ All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man? |
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 25 Jan 2008 Posts: 792 Reviews: 126 Country: Wherever I happen to be. 334 Points
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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As requested!
You really broke ground in this poem: I must praise you for being so challenging.
You used poetic devices to extremely good effect, such as the anaphora in stanza 2 and the tricolon in stanza 7 rammed the point home: "shot, stabbed, raped." Those hard-sounding consonants made the words rattle in my head, like machine guns. As Eimear points out, your use of irony is purposeful, controlled and therefore highly effective: the spare, noncommittal style worked very well. The last stanza was particularly powerful.
Your punctuation could do with revision and you used some passive constructions which you could turn around. But these are minor points: sorting them out would polish up an almost immaculate work.
Excellent!
9.5/10
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_________________ "Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.
Check out my music site: www.finetune.com/user/gahks
My site: www.freewebs.com/bethywriters |
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8631 Reviews: 2127 Country: USA 918 Points
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Icaruss! Nice poem you have. I always like it how you can read it and see the latin influences, so it's awesome. The beginning is catchy, though I will say that there were times that the rhythm felt a little jilted. But by the end, it seemed like it was written that way, just to shake up our reality by being a little more edgy, so it's all good.
There was only two stanzas that I think you can throw out. The reason I don't like them? They seem way too preachy and tell-y. If you threw them out, I am sure the poem would become stronger. The stanzas?
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Priests teach the children to bend over and receive,
while parents teach their kids to dance around and sing,
for these people, these people,
these people that I hate,
they tell me please do this so I do that instead.
We abuse African countries,
but give them some food too
and there's a man in the TV,
he’s been shot, stabbed, raped three times
but it’s just for laughs so I don’t mind. |
The first one I would get rid of is because the imagery really doesn't seem to support the last line and, moreover, the last line is really cliched and whiny. The whiny part gets to me. It discredits the narrator by making him whine about the people he hates, instead of hinting at any action on his part to make things better. However, in the beginning of the poem, he seems to take action, if only by observing and putting forth these realities bluntly. So yeah. Cut it.
The second stanza that I quoted, I don't like because it seems like it's more of the same, and by the point it comes, I understand what you're trying to say and I want to get to the meat of the piece, which is the ending stanza.
So yeah. Those were my thoughts. You're a good writer... take those thoughts in and figure out what you want to do with this piece. Good luck! |
_________________ "So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
Video Critiques by Yours Truly.  |
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timjim77
Novelist

Age: 18 Joined: 24 Sep 2005 Posts: 319 Reviews: 212
300 Points
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Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: |
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This poem does not make people look at the truth.
This poem is not straight to the point.
This poem is not sad.
This poem is not true.
This is not a poem.
This work accomplishes nothing.
To write about the truth falsely is worse than to write what is not true. |
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Icaruss
Disgustingly Honest. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 14 Sep 2005 Posts: 478 Reviews: 112 Country: Peru. 300 Points
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Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: |
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| But it sounds good! |
_________________ All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man? |
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aestar101
No Soup for You! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 688 Reviews: 130 Country: atop a cloud 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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This was a very powerful poem. Wow , Iccarus. This shows a ton of depth in thought and awareness to the issues of the world with good use of irony. Some Highlights:
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People want equality! Peace and love,
so they lynch a white man and they worship a white dove.
The cops run wild, beat up a young man
but he raped a little girl, so it’s alright. |
This line caught my attention.
| Quote: |
The imagery, it is broken.
The songs are doom and gloom.
Dylan’s voice is all rusty.
The Pope™ is a raccoon. |
Ooooo...touchy, touchy. This will get some people angry(Catholics), but I feel its needed.
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We abuse African countries,
but give them some food too
and there's a man in the TV,
he’s been shot, stabbed, raped three times
but it’s just for laughs so I don’t mind. |
This is what I was saying when I meant irony. It was great and it gets the message across. Amen, brother.
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And yes, you're right,
I’ve lost all touch with reality.
Hey, I don’t mind much.
I washed my hands once already,
I don't want them to get dirty yet again. |
This was the icing on the cake. It ended this poem with a bang. You should be proud of yourself.
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| Viva La Revolucion! this is a very angry poem, or at lest, its passionate. and i have to agree, the last stanza is probably the best, youre saying, "If this is real-life, real life can go to hell" , right? |
I totally agree with you God.
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This poem does not make people look at the truth.
This poem is not straight to the point.
This poem is not sad.
This poem is not true.
This is not a poem.
This work accomplishes nothing.
To write about the truth falsely is worse than to write what is not true |
I think this is wrong and whoever wrote it needs to open their eyes and stop viewing the world as just the back and front of their house.
Anyway this is a great poem. Get it published. |
_________________ Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
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