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Sela Locke
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 Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 1:03 am Post subject: Sourblood |
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This may begin oddly, but trust me, it will stay that way, so don't go away. ^^
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Trying hard to not think of something isn’t always the best idea, considering you will only end up thinking about it trying not to do so. Yet Aslina didn’t bother doing either as she jumped into the back of her best friend’s truck, all energy towards fighting the urge to realize what she was doing and stop.
She knew that she was only sixteen, that her father had told her never to go anywhere without his permission, that she could die in a horrible accident - but something of an adventure seemed to be opening up before her, and she had so little of it in her life… it was just too tempting.
It was a strange, cold night, abundant with twinkling stars and a bright, full moon. The trees swayed in the chilly breeze, and nightingales belted out their songs; crickets chirped their nightly greetings. Aslina was too worried to really appreciate it, but it was a calming background music; a kind she enjoyed.
“This really isn’t a good idea. Why did I ever think of going? Ugh, I should be home right now, finishing all my homework…” Tina complained bitterly, her short blonde hair whipping around her face.
“Oh shut it, Mz. Stick-in-the-mud.” Maia had stopped making out with Chris long enough to tease her friend, but returned to her former occupation with a will.
Aslina made a face at the couple, turning to Tina.
“Tina, don’t listen to her. It probably was stupid of us. Only…” she trailed off, playing with the odd golden object she held in her pale hand.
Tina scrutinized her friend, a curious frown on her tan face.
“What’s wrong, Lins? You were the one that convinced me to come, remember?”
Aslina glanced in the direction of Maia and Chris, making sure they were occupied with each other’s mouths before she turned secretively to her friend.
“I’m just...” she paused, sniffing the air instinctively. Mold, dirt, and…? She froze for a moment, the final, and most important stench eluding her, and – for a reason she couldn’t quite pinpoint – making her heart race oddly. “Nothing.”
Blinking to clear her mind, she handed the shiny little object to Tina, an odd expression on her face.
“I have this weird feeling, and I keep hearing my… my Mom. She’s…” Aslina stopped for a moment, biting her lip and blinking furiously, “She keeps telling me to go back, keeps yelling at me, saying ‘You’ll make all I did for you useless if you don’t go home. Go home, Aslina!’”
She turned away, sniffing quietly; her curly, dark brown hair flying out behind her in the wind.
A beer bottle rolled over and bumped her knee gently. She picked it up, a look of intense disgust filling her tear-stained face. Then she threw it out onto the side of the freeway, wiping her eyes hastily. A deep sorrow hovered around the two friends; a chill air whistled past Aslina’s ears, and she thought that could almost catch a song in its whistling current.
“Lins, is this your mom’s ring?” Tina asked, handing it back to Aslina.
She turned around, nodding sadly.
“Only thing I have left of her… after…”
Her fingers curled around the shiny object, shaking with sorrow - or was it rage?
She took a deep breath, turning to the couple in the corner, her face twitching with ill-concealed repulsion.
“Hey, Maia. Maia!” she called, her eyes threatening to narrow in vicious disapproval of her friend’s habits.
The teen moved slightly back from Chris’ face, turning to Aslina with annoyance stamped upon her soft features.
“Huh?”
“Where are we going, anyway?”
“Well,” Maia said, “Jason told me we were going to the park, but we already passed it, so I dunno.” She fell back into Chris’ arms, giggling atrociously.
“Ugh,” Tina whispered, turning to face the front. “Hey Jason, where are we going?”
A dark-haired boy with mischievous, twinkling brown eyes glanced back, shouting to be heard over the whooshes of the wind and the trees.
“To the forest, to see that awesome mountain lion. The one that attacked the old lady yesterday, remember?”
Aslina gasped, suddenly horrified.
“Don’t worry Lins. I brought my Dad’s gun,” he reassured her.
But it wasn’t the mountain lion that was worrying her. She was sure she’d heard a slur in the driver’s voice.
“Jason, are you drunk?”
Jason jumped visibly in his seat, yelling at the top of his lungs.
“Everyone duck! I think the police—“
Aslina never found out what Jason was going to say, for just as his warning was cut off, there was a huge jerk, and the shriek of squealing tires.
For a moment, time seemed to freeze, and Aslina saw the whole scene laid out before her.
A police cruiser was slowing down on the side of the freeway, the fringes of the forest visible beyond the gentle slope leading from the concrete.
Her friends were frozen with horror; even Maia and Chris pulled away from each other’s faces to figure out what was wrong. And then she saw what they were colliding with.
It was a cement truck, turned on its side, sitting in the very middle of the road. It was covered in little dents, as if small metal objects had pelted it until it crashed to the earth.
But just as she was craning her neck to make sure the huge thing wasn’t occupied by anything living, time seemed to start again, and she flew towards the front, everything blacking out as her head connected with the window.
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Thanks to everyone who reviewed! You were a huge help! ^^
And thanks for reading again. I'm sure I need more input.  |
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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:05 am; edited 8 times in total |
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nichole_kram
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 2:43 am Post subject: |
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That was pretty good. There was one mistake that caught my eye though, just to tell you. Where you said " and by then they were all to intoxicated to care whether or not the police found them" the 'to' in front of 'intoxicated' should be 'too' as in Very; extremely; immensely. I hate that word. There is too many meanings for it.  |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 3:35 am Post subject: |
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Hey! It's late, but this is short, so you get a quick review. 
Nit-Picks
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| It wasn’t a very complicated matter, if one really thought it over. Yet Aslina didn’t even pretend to think about anything as she jumped into the back of her best friend’s truck, laughing drunkenly with the other three who sat with her. |
(I’ve already finished reading as I add this comment.) What was the point of this? It was a great way to start something, but how’s it relate to the story? And, since it’s not complicated if you thought it over, does that mean it was complicated to Aslina?
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| She knew she was only sixteen, that her father had told her never to partake of alcohol, that she could die in a horrible accident. |
For the repetition to work, you need ‘She knew that she was only sixteen, that her…’
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| Yet at that point she didn’t really care. She was sick of her mediocre life, although I’m not sure if she would’ve phrased it that way. |
What’s with this? Why’d you suddenly speak to us? I’d ditch the underlined part.
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| It was a dark, cold night, full of twinkling stars and a bright, full moon. The trees swayed in the full breeze, and nightingales belted out their songs, down to the last chick. |
‘Down to the last chick?’ Is that some saying I don’t get?
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| Yet all this natural beauty was lost to the five passengers of the blue truck, especially Aslina. |
Combine this with the previous paragraph – it’s not strong enough on its own. And don’t start so many sentences with ‘yet.’
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| Her curly, dark brown hair flew out behind her, its length seeming to grow much longer than to her elbows. |
‘Seeming to grow?’ It’s either longer or it isn’t. It doesn’t ‘seem to grow.’
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They all kept passing around the beer until it was gone, and by then they were all to intoxicated to care whether or not the police found them,; whether or not the guy who was driving the vehicle was as dead drunk as they. |
This sounds a bit odd. You established that ‘they’ is all of them, including the driver. So now you’re saying that ‘they,’ including the driver, doesn’t care if the driver is drunk?
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“The forest? But I thought there was like, a mountain lion attack there yesterday or… or something,.” Sshe said, worry clear in her voice.
“Heh, don’t worry Lins. We brought a hand-gun,.” Ccalled the passenger-seated Tilly. |
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For a moment, time seemed to freeze, and Aslina saw the whole thing lain laid out before her. |
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| Her friends were frozen with horror, all traces of drunkenness gone from their faces. |
Combine this with the previous paragraph, and then start a new one.
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| But just as she was craning her neck to make sure the huge thing wasn’t occupied, time seemed to start again, and she was flung bodily from the impending collision, a horrible feeling replacing that empty void of mediocrity. |
What do you mean by ‘wasn’t occupied?’
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| She realized she’d rather be home with her family, brushing up her latest essay, than dying in a drunk-driving accident. |
Ah! Don’t throw the message in our face. Let us see her think of her family as she lays dying, but don’t spell it out.
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| “Am I really going to die?” she whispered. |
I’d ditch the ‘she whispered’ to end on a stronger note. Also, you don’t ‘realize’ a question…
Overall Comments
Is it just me, or does this title have nothing to do with the story? Sourblood…?
Anyways, I’m not too fond of this story, to be perfectly honest. While there aren’t many errors, it’s just…flat.
Characters
You need to get in the head of the character more. You’re 13, so I doubt (well, hope) that you’ve never been drunk, but you’ve at least hung out with friends. Show us the bonds they have. Does one guy constantly hit on the girls? Is one girl a complete slut? Is one a brainiac? Is one sensible? Do the others bug him about being sensible?
Remember, you’re characters all have histories together, ones we can’t see. The trick is to show us these histories through their interactions and dialogues, without going into monologues on their past.
For example, I am extremely close with my barn friends. We have inside jokes. I’m considered the ‘barn flirt.’ Jess is the ‘barn clown,’ and acts like a slut (jokinly.) Kim and I have a love/hate relationship. Without even knowing us, you can see that immediately. Our dialogue is easy, and comes naturally. We don’t care how we act – Jess can pretend to ‘strip’ and we all freak out. Kim will insult me, and we’ll laugh about it. You don’t know us, but you immediately know our relationships.
And don’t bore us with who’s who. Show us how they interact, so when you say ‘Tilly said,’ we won’t need all the extra stuff you add there. We’ll be like ‘oh, I know Tilly! She and the MC get along really well, joke together, all that – they must be really close! But apparently they don’t share the same beliefs.’ See? Everything you wanted us to know without shoving it in our faces!
You can also do that for other things. Have Aslina put her feet up, knowing her mom would never let her. Have Aslina rant about her annoying little brother. Then, at the end, have her miss them. Show us everything – don’t tell us it.
Expanding The Important Stuff
This whole piece was about the car crash, yet there was one sentence on that. One measly little sentence! And it was the wordiest one of all, so it was hard to follow.
You need to get us to remember what’s happening! You need to expand the important events, get your message across then.
Mixing Details
Honestly, I didn’t feel like I was there at all. You need to learn to mix little details in with your writing. You have separate paragraphs on the setting, then forget all about it. We need to be constantly reminded. (Well, not constantly, but often, and when appropriate.)
Eh, it’s really late, I’m really tired, and that’s pretty much it, so ‘night!
PM me for anything! More critiques, boredom, questions, you name it!
~JFW1415 |
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 5:46 am Post subject: |
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Yay! A new story. I liked it and, if nothing else, it will be good practice and you will learn something from it.
Uh oh. It starts out with the average ordinary person without a care in the world. I might suggest making Aslina more vivid. Perhaps have the story begin as she is getting drunk. Have her feel guilty, wonder about what she is doing and perhaps have her ask her drunk friends for advice, receiving no help, of course. She feels disgusting for even considering it but then her feeling of digustingness, along with other things - maybe not to do with 'mediocre life' - cause her to make the mistake.
If we get to know the characters a little better before the car ride it will make everything more dramatic.
Also, add more description. The description you do give is vivid and good - I liked it - but you need more. Is the air freezing? Does the car smell awful? Does the stale perfume and stench of alcohol mix and smell like wet dog and old people in a blender?
Cut down on the characters. Put three in the car and describe them more completely. Make sure you know them before you write their dialogue.
That's pretty much it. After you go over and this and edit it, let me know. I definitely want to read more. |
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GML
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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This was written fairly well, but I would definitely change the beginning. It's not a very grabbing opening to me and seems a bit cliche.
By the way, I love the name of the MC. It rolls off the tongue. |
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Smoo
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 10:08 pm Post subject: |
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Nice start, laying out the main character's feelings, however, she seems a bit shallow.
Some complaints... In the second sentence, you used the word "drunkenly". I'm not even sure if that's a word, as it seems very awkward. I'd try "drunkly", though for some reason, that doesn't sound much better.
At the end of the second paragraph, you used the first person "I'm". Don't. The perspective is third person everywhere else; keep some consistancy.
It's a good start. I would complain about the characters being annoyingly shallow, but this is just the prologue. As long as you add some history and more motive aside from boredom, it should be ok. |
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Iya Ythmir
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 8:09 am Post subject: |
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Wonderful prologue, the action is there, I can recognize it. However, it would be better if I actually felt it. A prologue is an important part of a story too, so make sure that your characters are vivid enough to catch readers' attention and not merely seem as if "passing by". Other than that, good job.
Best of luck. |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 12:31 am Post subject: |
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This was definitely better.
The characters were much more vivid and I like the funny dynamic. I also liked the description that you did put in, it was good. My favorite part was when Jason says he wants to meet the mountain lion - it made me laugh.
Still, despite all that, I would say a little more description regarding other things. A hole in the seat of the car. The smell of nasty-something or other. The freckles on Yel's nose. The way the odd light of the moon illuminates laughter and idiocy. More description is NECESSARY, it will make the story better and more intriguing.
Like I said, I like the characters - although I like Jason the best - but I think they still act alot like Keyli and Risi. I don't feel like they are very clear or intriguing. Change the dialogue around and perhaps make them say things that we aren't expecting. I'm sure you can do this. I mean, think about all the weird things that we talk about and how we say things differently from other people. I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying you need to PRACTICE it.
Well, that's about it. Let me know when you post the next chapter AND when you edit this chapter. |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: |
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| Don't worry Nans. The similar character thing is going to work out nicely. However, I will put in more description, and add the next chapter. |
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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick. |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 1:23 am Post subject: |
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Oh no! .........Oh no! ..........Oh no!
This could be bad. |
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lhighton
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| Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 7:47 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this, though it is not to my typical taste. I think you started out with some effective descriptions.
E.g. (a memorable one)
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| abundant with twinkling stars and a bright, full moon. |
/\ Okay, it was hardly powerhouse wording, but it worked well and made me feel more connected with the setting.
Any flaws?
Well, the ratio of dialogue to description, mayhap? Unfortunately, it appears that you lost your descriptiveness (is that a word?) towards the end. Ah well.
EDIT: Actually, on second thoughts. The impact might've been lessened with too much attention to detail. Don't change it.  |
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Sela Locke
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350 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 6:37 am Post subject: |
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C H A P T E R T W O
“Lins, wake up! C’mon Lins, c’mon!”
Tina’s anxious voice broke the darkness, and Aslina shot up, hurrying to reassure the teen with a hug.
“Ah, Tina, you worry too much. I’m fine – my head just hurts a little.” She smiled, squeezing her friend’s shoulder.
“Oh, thank God you’re okay! You really scared me ‘n Jason for a sec.”
“Nah, I wasn’t worried. That horrible noise that assaulted my ears when you hit the window? Totally awesome.” Jason laughed, patting Aslina on the back as Tina helped her up.
“Y’know what, Jason? Shut up.” She smiled, ignoring the throbbing in her head as she glanced around.
“Yes’m. But… now what? The truck’s wrecked, and Maia and Chris must’ve left before we woke up, ‘cuz they aren’t here either.”
Aslina sighed, carelessly kicking Jason’s shins as she looked the old blue truck over.
“Yups, your Dad is going to murder you like, six times.” She paused, frowning. “Wait, so Maia ‘n Chris’re gone? Maybe they went to find a call-box or something.”
“Perhaps, but you know how lazy that idiot Chris is. Doesn’t seem probable that they would just walk, and no one’s gonna find this accident for awhile. It’s like, what, four in the morning?”
She leaned up against the over-turned truck, gesturing towards the open road.
“Go find a phone or something – unless you guys have cell-phones with you? Thought not. I’ll wait here, my head is really starting to hurt. ‘S a miracle you guys didn’t get injured.”
Jason nodded, leaving out his and Tina’s injuries to spare their friend.
“Mhm, we’ll get going. C’mon Tina, sometime before Christmas, maybe?”
He ducked as she swung at his head, pulling her along down the street.
“The gun’s still in the cab, ‘case you see the mountain lion!” He called back, dodging another one of Tina’s swipes as they turned a sharp corner.
Aslina slid down onto the asphalt, closing her eyes and trying to tune out her pounding head. It seemed like hours before footsteps began to echo back along the ground.
“Wow, Jason. So much for—” She stopped, stunned at the obviously-not-Jason man before her.
Wow, he certainly isn’t ugly, she thought – vaguely amused – to herself, green eyes skimming across the odd guy.
Black and red – blood-red – hair framed his face, his ridiculously pale complexion almost unnerving. His full lips were turned up in a soft smile, thin, sharp nose pointing directly at her. His – quite literally – orangey-brown eyes pierced through her, twinkling… hungrily? She suppressed a shudder as he stepped towards her.
“I’m sorry for frightening you,” He said, his smooth, breathy voice just as strange as the rest of his 6’0 self. “I heard loud noises out here a while back, and finally plucked up the courage to survey what I supposed would be a bloody wreckage. You, I’m guessing, were in the accident?”
“Yes, yes.” Aslina said impatiently, “I’m waiting for my friends to get help, since one has a dead battery, and the other forgot to bring his entirely.”
It was the man’s turn to be surprised, although quite mildly.
“But – you have a cell-phone in your pocket… or am I mistaken?”
Aslina’s hand slipped into her jean pocket, visibly shocked when her hand found cold, sleek metal.
“Huh, I was absolutely sure I’d left it at home…”
Flipping out open, she dialed nine-one-one, finger sliding to the call button-
“I’m certain that’s unnecessary,” said the man, pulling the phone from her hands and shutting it. He slipped it into his jacket, smiling in a way that sent shivers down Aslina’s back.
“What’s wrong with calling an ambulance? I might have a concussion or something—”
“You don’t,” He interrupted, the disconcerting smile still centered calmly on his face.
“And how the hell would you know?” She snapped, more scared than angry.
“I know – because I do. C’mon, I’ll take you to the ranger’s cabin a little into the forest. They’ll be able to help you until your friends get back.”
The last thing Aslina wanted to do was wander into the forest with a strange guy who stole people’s phones… but he didn’t seem particularly evil, just sort of – odd.
She sighed, nodding, and followed him down the little hill from the freeway into the dark woods, biting the insides of her cheeks to stay calm.
“So, where do you live?” He asked, presumably to start up some sort of a conversation.
“None of—” she stopped, deciding that this wasn’t the time to make him angry. “Outskirts of Chicago, about half hour from here. You?”
“Me? I’m visiting here from New York. Just flew in yesterday, but I miss the city already.”
She opened her mouth to point out the oddity of his lack of accent, then decided it didn’t matter enough to waste her breath.
They journeyed on past trees, bushes, streams, and other shrubbery that Aslina didn’t bother attempting to put a name to. All the greenery seemed much the same in the dark – yet something about the smell of wet earth, and fresh, growing things seemed familiar to her, sort of… comforting.
She was just starting to really enjoy the walk when the man whirled on her, smiling.
“This should be far enough. Oh dear, I think we’re lost! I guess we’ll have to stay here for the night.” His voice rung purposefully false, and she frowned, backing away.
“Liar. Where did you take me?”
Her heart was thumping wildly, and no more words seemed to want to come out.
“Nowhere, apparently.”
He shoved her onto the grass, the smile still clinging to his face. |
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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:07 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 6:39 am Post subject: Chapter Three |
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C H A P T E R T H R E E
For a few moments all Aslina did was lie still, the chirping of the crickets and the rustlings of birds going to their nests comforting her shocked mind.
She breathed deeply, the earthy smell of dirt, grass, trees, and other scents she wasn’t sure of helping her racing heart to slow its insane thumping.
Then she heard a husky voice pulling through the fog of her half-consciousness, and a cold hand wiping something hot and sticky from her face.
“Not again! She’s alive, isn’t she? I suppose this is my luck - again.” He paused for a moment, then decided to add, “You know your limitations Delys. Do not bend them, unless you want it to happen again.”
She could almost hear the speaker shuddering as he said it.
“I’m not that stupid – it was merely a pinch of alcohol. I’ll be much more careful with this one.” The second voice was softer, almost breathy… and familiar.
“Listen,” Aslina slurred dazedly, opening her eyes. “I dunno what’s going on, but I’d like to go home if that’s… okay…” she trailed off, remembering the very recent happenings.
A younger man – who seemed to be in his mid-twenties – leant over her, his short black hair constantly falling into his strange, orangey-brown eyes. There were a few highlights of red in it, and his irises seemed to get darker by the second.
“Whatever argument you have with each other can wait until I’m gone, right?” she whimpered, something in his odd eyes frightening her.
“No, I’m afraid it can’t.” Said the other, deeper voice.
She turned her head towards the speaker, and the moment they locked eyes he seemed to age, from thirty to fifty. His brown hair was suddenly tinged with grey, and wrinkles appeared where there had been none before. He stared down his blunt nose at her, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Oh no, not tonight… why did it have to be tonight?” He looked like he might start crying. Aslina had an odd urge to get up and comfort him, and didn’t even think about what she said next.
“I can go now, won’t that help?” she half-squeaked, starting to stand.
The younger man pushed her back down, the odd look spilling out of his eyes into the rest of his face.
“Lathos,” he said over his shoulder, “don’t do that. You’re only manipulating her, you know.”
A horrible feeling began to creep into the pit of her stomach, and her mind raced madly, trying desperately to find an avenue of escape.
“We apologize m’dear. We didn’t mean to find you, but now that we have, I’m not sure if I… well…”
“Shut it,” She growled, swatting the younger man’s hand from it’s place on her stomach. It didn’t budge. “I know what happened. Your precious Delys here led me into the woods – although he said we were looking for the ranger cabin – and got lost. Yeah, right.”
His green eyes were full of regret, but Aslina steeled herself against the pull of sympathy, glaring at both of them.
She looked around, realizing that she’d somehow ended up in a place very deep in the forest. The trees crowded around, as if trying to catch some of the odd conversation that floated through their leafy branches.
“Can’t I just..?” but she realized it was useless. There was no going back to the street now – Delys would make sure of that.
“It’s nothing short of a damned miracle that you’re still alive.” The younger man said, shaking his head in disbelief.
“How, exactly? Because you haven’t killed me yet?” she demanded, starting to feel angry instead of scared. “I’m leaving now, and I’d rather not have to scream. I might end up getting sick all over you… although that might be a good thing.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” He said calmly.
“Oh, I wouldn’t?” She whispered, a threat clear in her voice.
“Don’t argue with him. He doesn’t get angry, but he might – by pure accident, you understand – end up tripping you over a waterfall someday. He remembers things as clearly as an elephant.”
For a moment, there seemed to be a smile inching into Lathos’ sad face, but it disappeared as quickly as it had threatened to come.
“What are you saying?” Growled Delys, for a moment turning to the older man.
Aslina tried to use his distraction to her advantage, jumping quickly to her feet.
“Don’t move another inch.” They warned her simultaneously.
“You aren’t - although this may surprise you - in charge of me. I have to get home before my Dad wonders what became of me.” She snarled, turning to leave.
“He’ll be wondering what became of your body if you don’t sit down.” There was no hint of a joke in Delys’ voice.
Aslina ignored his threat, all other emotions drowned in her anger. “I don’t know what the hell this is about, whether you’re drug-lords or escaped crazies, but I’m not staying to find out.”
But before she could turn and run something hit her hard in the back, and she fell on her hands and knees, a river of curses flowing from her mouth.
Delys rolled her onto her back, pinning her to the grassy ground.
“Lathos, get out of here.” There was a serious authority in his order.
For some reason that Aslina couldn’t understand, his eyes kept straying to her wrists; her neck.
“I already told you, no. You’re not doing this again.”
Somehow Lathos had managed to cross the distance in mere seconds, although she’d never seen him move.
“You seemed to have forgotten what happened last time. Do I need to remind you?” He said softly, searching Delys’ face.
“They won’t remember in the morning if something goes wrong. If not, well… they still won’t.”
Lathos reached out, grabbing the younger man by his shoulder.
“You wouldn’t… would you?”
“Why not? I just told you, he won’t remember he had a daughter. Neither will anyone else.”
Aslina’s eyes flicked back and forth between the two, heart thumping at a crazed pace.
“Let me go. I don’t want to get involved, no matter what this is about. Just let me leave.” She begged, trembling pitifully in the cold breeze.
Delys ignored her, turning to the older man.
“Lathos, go. I don’t like being watched, you know.” He said it firmly, but there was question in his eyes. The elder stared back at him, and for a moment, they seemed to be struggling to win the battle, both determined to be victorious.
A solitary bird, although Aslina wasn’t quite sure what kind it was, twittered its plaintive song from a nearby oak, and she almost imagined an intent interest on its little face as it watched the two men.
What seemed like hours later, (although it couldn’t have been more than a minute that the odd duel lasted), Lathos sighed, nodded, and walked off, sitting down a small distance away; barely visible through the trees.
Aslina thought she saw him open his mouth to say something, but then he closed it again, situating himself so he could look the other way.
Delys turned back to Aslina, a thirsty expression on his pointed face. She shivered, instinctively inching backwards on the grass.
“Don’t move, unless you’d like to die.” He murmured.
His hand was slowly inching towards her neck, and for a moment, she had the craziest urge to lie back onto the grass and close her eyes. She fought it with the last of her strength, determined to at least witness what he was going to do.
“Remember Aslina, this has nothing to do with you.”
The hand had reached her throat, and his right fore-finger’s nail seemed grow longer, sharper. Suddenly it bit deep, a trickle of blood running down her shirt.
He smiled at her, white teeth shimmering in the moonlight. Then he leant down, his lips brushing her throat. For a moment, indecision filled the air.
His hand slipped to the back of her neck, and pulled her slightly up, drinking gently of the red liquid. |
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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:13 am; edited 5 times in total |
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Sela Locke
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 165
Reviews: 94
Country: A place where people aren't very smart.
350 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 6:41 am Post subject: Chapter Four |
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The dream Aslina had as she floated through her light-headed unconsciousness was one she’d had many times before. It always seemed to end the same way, but for some reason, she had a feeling it would stray from the ordinary this time…
“Mommy, Mommy, look at this!” squealed the little girl, her thick, black-brown curls bouncing up and down as she did.
“What is it, Lins?” her mother chuckled, extending her hand so the small girl could drop the letter into her hand. “Ooh, did you get this from the mailbox, sweetie?” the woman asked, arching her eye-brows.
“No, I founds it in th’bushes over t’ere!” She pointed excitedly at the tidy row of rosebushes.
“Let’s see… oh, it’s for you, Lins!”
She opened the letter carefully, and took out the scrap of paper, starting to carelessly skim it. Then her grey eyes widened, and a manicured hand flew to her mouth, ignoring the lipstick that stuck to it as she turned to her daughter.
“Lins, get in the house.” She said, calm but commanding.
“But Mom, I—“ she began, but was silenced.
“Get in the house, Aslina.”
The five-year-old looked cowed as she shuffled inside through the sliding glass door. Her mother followed quickly, setting the letter on the table without a second glance.
“Aslina Chaeurette, go to your room and lock the door. Do not open to anyone, even if it sounds like Mommy wants to come in. Do you understand?”
Aslina looked terrified, but nodded, dashing away as fast as she could.
The woman snatched a key from the table, strolling nonchalantly out into the front yard.
“You’re there, you can’t fool me. Come out, Parasite.” She snarled, roving over the trees and bushes with her piercing grey eyes.
“Don’t call me that, Dog. It really does hurt my feelings. Ah, not that you care.”
A man in his late twenties stepped out from behind a beech tree, about ten feet from the porch where Aslina’s mother stood. She didn’t seem the least surprised at his sudden appearance. She merely raised her eyebrows, disdain thick in her voice.
“Why you’re here is a mystery to me. But it doesn’t matter, because you’re leaving - now.”
He didn’t seem the slightest bit phased by the vehemence in her tone.
“Give me the girl and I will go.” He didn’t ask - he demanded.
“You’re not taking Aslina anywhere. Leave now, Parasite. You’ve ruined one life, you need not destroy another.”
He ignored her, advancing until he could have reached out and touched her.
“You promised, Dog. You promised, and you never break your promises, do you? The girl will come with me now, or she will come with me later. For one like Parasite, waiting is the nature of things.” He didn’t seem angry, only determined.
“I never promised you anything, which was intelligence on my part. Get out of here; she is not yours to take.”
And that was when the dream stopped its normal flow.
Instead of leaving like he always did in the end, the man tackled her, ripping into her throat, a horrible growl piercing the quiet morning’s air.
“Mommy, Mommy!” Aslina had come out of her room at the sound of the growl, almost hysterical with fright.
Her mother looked up, and with her final shred strength, she grabbed her daughter’s chubby hand, howling mournfully to blazing sun.
For a moment, Aslina shimmered oddly, almost forgetting her predicament.
“No!” the monster shouted, struggling to stop what the dying woman was doing for the tiny child.
And then Aslina vanished, a final, plaintive ‘Mommy!’ hanging in the thick silence.
She fell onto her back, smiling triumphantly at her murderer.
“You’ll never get her, Lliestt. Never.” And then she lay still, eyelids slowly shutting over grey irises.
For a moment, the scene rippled, and then was shattered as a voice – that seemed to come from somewhere high above her – called her name.
“Aslina! Where are you?”
Aslina jumped up, ignoring the stinging pain that clung to her neck, and turned in the direction of her father’s voice, stopping for a moment to make sure that he was that way.
“Aslina? Aslina?”
But just as she began to run, his voice seemed to start coming from the opposite direction. She turned again, dashing towards the sound as fast as she could.
“Aslina Chaeurette?”
Yet again, the voice switched direction, to an altogether different place. Her head began to ache, and she sat down, gasping for breath.
“Aslina… Lins…”
His voice disappeared completely, and her heart calmed again, as she assured herself she’d only heard him because she’d wanted to; that it wasn’t something to do with this strange, mysterious forest.
She watched the leaves fall from their trees slowly, and it reminded her of something, though she wasn’t sure what.
“Falling…” she whispered, the memory she sought desperately running from her searching gaze. A dark shadow seemed to pass before her, and a familiar snicker filled the air ominously.
Something crackled behind her; dead branches and twigs. And for a moment, she debated whether it was worth it to even turn around, considering she was lost somewhere in the woods, not even sure how she’d arrived in the first place.
Laying back, she closed her eyes, the hot breath of the thing above her softly caressing her pale face.
“Go on, finish me off. Not that it much matters, s’pose. I couldn’t escape even if I wanted to, and even if I could, I—“
“I’m not going to kill you, Aslina. Get up, quickly. He’ll be back soon, and I don’t believe finishing you off on accident will worry him.” It was a female voice, and it sounded a little older than Aslina herself.
Rolling over, the girl came eye-to-eye with a brownish-grey wolf, the irises set in her head a pale grey-green color. She looked just as terrified as Aslina felt.
“Come, hurry! He’ll be here any minute. You may have a chance at leaving this wood alive if you follow me, but not if you stand there like a sick cow.” She growled, turned, and padded away into the trees, Aslina following at what she hoped was a safe distance.
“This is ridiculous. I’m trusting a wolf to lead me away from some weird, parasitic, blood-sucking creature who looks a random guy I think I know, and that makes me five times as crazy as Maia. Trust me, that is saying a lot.” She began to talk just to keep the pressing silence at bay. “Speaking of saying a lot, I wonder where Lathos and Delys got to. It might be funny to find they got attacked by that weird creature too, and then we could—“
The wolf interrupted again, something rumbling in her throat that sounded dangerously like a growl.
“D- the younger one is the vam-vamp- oh, never mind what he is! He’s the one that brought you here, the one who kept you asleep for two days, and the one who dr-drank your blood.”
Aslina stopped dead, all the memories that had been hiding somewhere in her mind jumping out, rushing back to her in a waterfall of dark nights, strange people, and freakish, over-intelligent birds.
“Oh… yeah. So that’s why I couldn’t remember…?”
Her hand flew to her neck, feeling the soft, smooth surface of unbroken skin.
“It still hurts, but there’s no trace of a wound, right?”
The wolf had returned to Aslina’s side silently, a look in her eyes that the teen couldn’t quite understand.
“Y-yeah…” she shivered involuntarily, frowning at the animal. “Funny, I think I trust you, but it certainly doesn’t seem you trust me. You haven’t even told me your name! Then again wild animals have always been sort of… distrustful.”
“That’s ‘cause of how mean you humans are to us. ‘Specially wolves. And if you have to call me something, call me Escarne. Silent ‘c’. And don’t forget. I’m sick of people forgetting.” She grumbled, then started forward again, in what Aslina pictured as a sort of aimless stroll.
“I thought you said D-D—“ she stopped, seeing the angry look in Escrane’s eyes. “I me-mean, is he following?”
For a moment, the brown wolf paused, trying to decide whether or not she should tell her new burden the truth of the matter.
“Duh. As soon as you got up, he knew about it. I’m pretty sure…” she swung her head around, facing forward.
She doesn’t want to see my reaction, does she? Aslina thought, an odd shudder traveling quickly through her body.
“He… he’s waiting. He likes drawing these things out. I think the parasite gets some sick enjoyment out of the victim’s terror. He sa-says… he says…”
Aslina could almost smell the mixture of disgust and fear that swirled around the wolf, mixing and fading into that earthy scent of the forest.
“Well, some of… of them say that blood tastes better when the victim has been terrified and hunted for awhile. That could just be something meant to scare humans, though.”
She didn’t seem sure at all, and to Aslina it seemed a failed attempt at reassurance. But reassuring whom?
“We’re almost there. If he decides he wants to wait, we might make it. Depending on h-his mood. We don’t have a chance if he’s mad that you got away.”
“He shouldn’t have left me lying in the wood if he was afraid I’d ‘get away’!” She screeched, running to keep up with Escarne.
“You’re right. It was stupid of me.”
Girl and wolf froze, Delys’ rueful voice echoing through the greenery ominously. |
_________________
The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:04 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Sela Locke
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 165
Reviews: 94
Country: A place where people aren't very smart.
350 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 6:44 am Post subject: Chapter Five |
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They searched the trees that surrounded them, but there was no one to be found. For a moment, all was quiet, and the smell of alive, fresh things seemed to fade, replaced by a scent Aslina had only smelled once before.
“Death.” She whispered.
“Run! Oh, quickly!” Escarne shot off, the fear of the moment keeping Aslina just behind.
“Hey, wait up!” Delys sounded almost playful as he shouted at the two, but neither thought it wise to look back.
And then something happened that Aslina knew just wasn’t possible.
Her ears pulled back into her head, coming back out, all grey and furry, on the top of her head. She fell onto her hands and knees, fingernails turning swiftly into claws.
A wolf’s pelt rippled across her skin; a tail sprouted where it certainly hadn’t been before. She felt her nose grow a good few inches, and, for no reason in particular, was reminded vividly of Pinocchio.
What did I lie about, again? A wolfish smile filled her furry face for a moment, and then she started off again, sure Delys was just behind her.
“Lins! Come back!” Tina’s voice flew to her ears, and, in what she thought later was probably the stupidest thing she’d ever done, the wolf-Aslina turned, trying to spot her friend.
Something hit her hard, toppling her into the mossy grass with a horrible crunch. Delys’ voice chuckled into her ear.
“Aren’t wolves supposed to be smart?”
“Most wolves are, just not me.” She snapped, more angry at herself than Delys.
“Oh, but you are. You weren’t supposed to believe that Es was good, but your eyes pierced straight through the veil I put on her. You were supposed to freeze up when you heard my voice, but your deepest instincts fought against that, too. And you were – well, you fell for that one.” He smiled teasingly at her, his eyes the same orangey-brown as before.
“Gee, I feel better now. The self-esteem thermometer just flew into the twenties.”
She tried to get up, but her left foreleg crumpled beneath her, and she fell back into the dewy grass, Delys’ mocking laugh ringing in her sensitive ears.
“I thought you’d drag it out more, Parasite.”
Then her eyes widened, and she remembered the dream. Her mother… had she been talking to this same man?
“Actually, I think I will. For a short while, at least. Besides, your blood is wolf-tainted now. It will taste better later. Try to drink some alcohol soon, yes?”
He flashed her a final smile, then disappeared into the deep foliage, his last words ringing quietly through the trees.
Aslina was too wrapped up in her various thoughts to realize that she had become human again. Delys’ voice threw her brain into a turmoil of too many emotions to be sorted. The clearest thought in her mind was an odd sort of wonder.
I’ve read plenty of books about… them. Yet none of those characters said it all so outright. He doesn’t skip around the point at all. Taste better? She shook her head despairingly, wondering why he was so sure of himself; of his nature. He made her blood sound like a favorite drink of his that hadn’t been made quite right. Then again... was it?
Getting up – and forgetting that her leg had been so recently injured – she realized that she hadn’t the faintest idea of where Escarne had been leading her, or where the wolf had gotten to. She was just considering sitting down and waiting when a voice full of heavy disbelief sounded from behind her.
“You’re... still alive?”
Aslina turned, letting out a startled scream.
“Don’t do that! I was sure Delys had changed his mind!”
The wolf stared at her, obviously confused with this strange girl’s behavior.
“De-Delys? You mean, he- he found you? He… but…”
“He got here, he said my… that it was tainted, and that he could wait. Then he told me to drink some beer – great role model, right? – before he came back, and then just left.”
Es still looked faintly puzzled, and made it quite clear as she asked her next question.
“Alcohol? That stuff you idiots drink so you can forget how stupid you are? Oh no… please tell me you didn’t have any before he… before you got there.”
Aslina looked sheepishly over at Es.
“I – I had one bottle. Just one. Then I realized how dumb I was being, and how nasty it tasted – no sweetener at all! – and didn’t have any more.”
The brown wolf moaned, (or as well as wolves can) turning back onto the path with a certain ire for the clueless teenager she had found.
“Your race is pretty damn dim-witted, but I’ve never met one with less brains than you, Aslina C.”
“Please, I’m already in the dark about too much. Why exactly are you insulting my intelligence?”
Escarne didn’t look back, but kept to the invisible trail doggedly.
“It’s like – it’s like blood salt. Most… most of them like it. And it makes everything easier - drinking blood I mean – when the victim is drunk. They’re not as aware.”
Aslina sighed regretfully. Everything that can go wrong has, She thought, with a new kind of disgust for herself.
“Yes, if you’d like to know, it is all your fault,” Es said calmly, carefully side-stepping a muddy puddle that had ignorantly hoped to wet her dainty paws.
Her faithful follower stepped directly into the dirty body of water, a stream of equally filthy words flowing forth. She pulled the delinquent foot free, scowling darkly at the clearing that had opened before them.
“We’re finally there! Thanks to De-De- him, we got here much too late to see Father. But it wasn’t my fault,” Es quickly added, shooting a disdainful look in her companion’s direction.
The wolf paused for a moment at the grassy opening of the huge field (which Aslina offhandedly noticed was dotted with little huts), taking an enormous breath, her tail wagging crazily. Then she just… stood.
Aslina gasped, her eyes widening in impossible disbelief as Escarne transformed from a brown-grey wolf to a slim, eighteen-year-old girl.
“Shut your mouth before you open it,” She snapped, hastily pushing a wisp of light brown hair behind a pale ear.
Aslina pursed her lips obediently, yet her eyes stayed in enormously-huge-mode, amazed by the strange woman’s appearance.
Es brushed off her tank-top and jeans, checking for dirt stains or any other offending flecks as she strode slowly to the first hut in the little row.
“Mom! I’m home. And I brought a,” she paused, turning to look at Aslina. Her eyes still wide, her clothes and skin covered in dirt and other odds from the forest escapade, the teen simply stared. “Thing.” |
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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:07 am; edited 1 time in total |
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