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fallenangel
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 Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: Frog Prince |
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I lost my lip gloss
It's a hostage you see,
An ugly old toad stole it from me.
I mean that in the most literal sense,
He hopped out of nowhere
Prepared with demands.
His slimy green fingers
Gripped stubbornly strong,
I begged for it back
And he stuck out his tongue.
I said I'd do anything
To have my gloss back-
(It was strawberry flavored-
My favorite at that)
It made my lips sparkle,
And glitter with ease,
For more than one hour
Its shimmer won't cease.
Then a smile crept on
His green warty face
And he smugly presented
His price 'fairly' made.
"I'll give you your gloss,
If you do one simple thing:
Kiss me just once,
and my heart just might sing."
I uncertainly blinked
This was no stupid frog
He knew what he wanted
As he sat on that log.
So I slyly agreed
To plant one quick and easy
He closed his eyes tight,
And puckered up sleazy.
You know what I did
To that mangy old frog?
I stole my gloss back
And pushed him in the pond. |
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Amira15
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 5:55 am Post subject: |
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Ha ha Ha.Very funny some of the rhyming messed up the flow.Its Fairly amusing. This stanza right here kind of threw off the flow too.
| Quote: |
Then a smile crept on
His green warty face
And he smugly presented
His price 'fairly' made.
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I loved it it made me laugh. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: Re: Frog Prince |
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I'll going to make some punctuation suggestions that you can, of course, ignore if you like. 
I'll also point out specific sections I think you can improve on.
On a side note, the more modern approach to capitalisation in poetry is to only use a capital where you would in prose. Capitalising each new line is more traditional - it's really just a matter of choice. I just thought I'd let you know in case you feel a specific way is better for your poem. 
| fallenangel wrote: |
I lost my lip gloss - not too sure about best punctuation for here
It's a hostage you see. - Full stop here perhaps? Nice metaphor.
An ugly old toad stole it from me.
I mean that in the most literal sense -
He hopped out of nowhere,
Prepared with demands. - Good.
- Perhaps you could make the first two stanzas four lines each so that they're the same as the rest of the poem?
His slimy green fingers
Gripped stubbornly strong.
I begged for it back
And he stuck out his tongue. - Fine.
I said I'd do anything
To have my gloss back- - don't need hyphen here
(It was strawberry flavored
And my favorite at that). - Full stop - need to end sentence. Nice aside, though!
It made my lips sparkle, - don't need comma
And glitter with ease -
For more than one hour
Its shimmer won't cease. - Like the adverts say! Good.
Then a smile crept across - I think 'across' instead of 'on' would help the rhythm
His green warty face
And he smugly presented
His price 'fairly' made.
"I'll give you your gloss,
If you do one simple thing: - there might be a couple too many syllables in this line
Kiss me just once, don't need this comma
and my heart just might sing." - close repetition of 'just' - perhaps replace first instance with 'only'?
I uncertainly blinked. - Full stop? Perhaps swapping 'uncertainly' for a similar adverb that can be placed after 'blinked' would be better.
This was no stupid frog. - Full stop?
He knew what he wanted
As he sat on that log. - this line's not very strong but I can't think of an alternative. I do see that it's a typical image of a frog, though, so maybe it does work. It just stood out to me.
So I slyly agreed
To plant one quick and easy. - Full stop?
He closed his eyes tight, - don't need comma
And puckered up sleazy.
You know what I did
To that mangy old frog?
I stole my gloss back
And pushed him in the pond. - Nice! |
If any comments are unclear, let me know.
I thought this was a nice idea for a fun poem so if you were to tidy up a couple of sections, it could be great.
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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My review was just taken by Sapphire. Although I don't agree with all her edits (no offense meant, just a few with different preference of wording), she took care of all of my edits. So basically, just listen to her. One thing I definitely agree on is changing the first two stanzas to four line, and make them rhyme, so that the poem is continuous.
I'll still do a review.
I loved your rhyming. It didn't always rhyme, but it didn't have to. It adds to the quirkiness of the poem.
My favorite stanzas were 4 and 5.
Your rhythm, overall, was great, although a few places (pointed out by Sapphire) were off.
Overall, 9/10, it was a great poem that made me laugh a bit, so congratulations.
It's not really a "guy" poem either, so GREAT job.
A little work and this will be awesome!
Teh Wozzinator |
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fallenangel
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| Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Ha ha thanks guys. I appreciate the advice and editing options. This has kind of been a first for me on poetry, so obviously I've got a few things to learn. Thanks for the help! |
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C.J. Mustang
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 8:50 am Post subject: |
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I really like your poem, although I do have a few suggestions:
| Quote: |
I lost my lip gloss
It's a hostage you see,
An ugly old toad stole it from me.
I mean that in the most literal sense,
He hopped out of nowhere
Prepared with demands.
^This stanza really doesn't rhyme well with your first one
His slimy green fingers
Gripped stubbornly strong,
I begged for it back
And he stuck out his tongue.
I said I'd do anything
To have my gloss back-
(It was strawberry flavored-
My favorite at that). or !
It made my lips sparkle,
And glitter with ease,
For more than one hour
Its shimmer won't cease.
Then a smile crept on
His green warty face,
And he smugly presented
His price 'fairly' made.
"I'll give you your gloss,
If you do one simple thing:
Kiss me just once,
and my heart just might sing."
I uncertainly blinked.
This was no stupid frog! (maybe)
He knew what he wanted,
As he sat on that log.
So I slyly agreed
To plant one, quick and easy
He closed his eyes tight,
And puckered up sleazy.
You know what I did
To that mangy old frog?
I stole my gloss back
And pushed him in the pond.<this rhyme sceme doesn't really go with the rest of the poem |
That's all I have. You have a creative imagination! I wouldn't even have been able to come up with that! Trust me--it was worth the read, even with some of the mistakes I saw.  |
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Mayfyre
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 1:45 pm Post subject: |
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I quite liked this, it definitely put a smile on my face because of its silly (in a good way) topic and the sheer randomness of a toad stealing lip gloss
When I first read this:
"His slimy green fingers
Gripped stubbornly strong,
I begged for it back
And he stuck out his tongue."
I actually thought the poem is about being assaulted by someone (no clue where that came from) and I was really intrigued by the choice of imagery, but then I realized that it really was just a bit of fun. It might be because of this, that is seemed a bit shallow to me, as I expected something rather dramatic.
It was a fun poem though, so keep up the good work |
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Raimunda
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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WOW, you made me giggle. I love this. You made a materialist centric fairy tale poem!!!
Congratulations! I'd critique you but I don't want to warp your flair for funny poems. |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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i am going to forget all of the grammer, mostly because everyone else did it for me, this poem made mesmile, i think this is the funniest poem i have read on yws, this was a very good job:*
keep trying
and remember you can do it don't give up!
---Jon--- |
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