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This thread was created on May 29, 2008

the writer revange

Topic ID: 30860

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Amal
Novice

Gender: Gender:Female

Age: 20
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 0
Country: Unite Arab Emirates
300 Points

Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 1:02 am Post subject: the writer revange

The boarding school. Servant: Madam Mary…..she does it again….she does it again….she put mice in the kitchen. Principal in her office with Sam: Sam…what I can do to stop that behaviour….what else I can do to stop you. I'm sorry…says Sam Stop saying that Sam it's the hundred time that you apologizing…you don't leave me a choice you will work with Camela in cleaning. Sam opening her eyes No…not with Camela….her voice is not beautiful and listening to her for two weeks will make me crazy. So in this cause you will know how I feel when I have someone like you in the school….it will be a good lesson for you. God help me…says Sam So from that day Sam have a nightmare in both morning and evening. One day when Camela's is singing … Would you mind to stop so I can do my work well…says Sam But Camela doesn't listen to Sam and she keeps singing… Don't you know anything else than singing…says Sam Yes…I can tell story….and a good one….says Camela Finally something interesting in this job…says Sam The story is about a famous tennis player….says Camela A tennis player…says Sam Yeah…and name is Mage Owen…Mage was a great tennis player and she wins many cups and championship…but when her mother died she stopped playing…so all the TVs and Radios were wondering what could happened to her….and in her next interview she said I played tennis because my family force me and it was my mother's dream…and now I'm going to leave sport and do the thing that I always want…said Mage So what is your dream?....asked interviewer My dream was and still to become a writer and I start writing a story…said Mage So everyone was excited about Mage's book and the newspaper and TV were talking about it but Mage wasn't a good writer as she good at sport…said Camela And what happened then Camela….says Sam So she wrote an advertisement saying that she will give everyone who read her book a thing from her…and you know any famous people things cost fortune…says Camela Yeah…you right…say Sam So let me complete…in the end of the book they will find a name of the dolls that belong to them and then they should buy it from the shop…after that they should take the thing that is in the dolls body. Wow…interesting…says Sam Waite…Know is the interesting part of the story…says Camela Come on…says Sam All the people bought her books and they got their praises, but after two weeks she lost everything….says Camela Everything…says Sam Yeah everything and that happened when the number of the broken dolls filled the rubbish so that the government complain and the parents complained also because they thought it was a bad thing for their children mind and they stopped her….then all the people heated her and thought her things and also they called her the dolls killer……says Camela A dolls killer…but why she put the thing inside the dolls…says Sam She put Zip in the back of the doll so they can open it easy…but you know the peoples and their ways….says Camela Yeah…you right…did you buy one…says Sam Yeah…I bought one and their doll but my mother didn't let me to open it and also didn't let me to thought it because since all the people heated her and through her things…she start bothering people like she was sending a dog to one of the families to broke everything's in their house and then he left the house without hearting anybody….says Camela They deserve it but it's too much I think….say Sam I can't really tell you my opinion about this story…I will go now…says Camela Camela can I see the doll that you bought…no don't think that want to take it….I just want to see it…says Sam Come with me…says Camela Camela take Sam to her room and shows Sam the doll which was in a box under the bed. Its beautiful doll…I feel sorry to know that they were cutting and throwing it in the bin like rubbish….says Sam Yeah…it's time to go….I will be waiting you tomorrow Sam…says Camela At night Sam wake up because of a voice coming from the garden…so Sam look from the window to see what is happening and then she saw a woman was digging…Sam go down quickly and come closer to the woman at the first time she thought it's Camela but since she look to her she see a different woman…she was dirty and look very scary…Sam run as quickly as she can but the woman hit her in the back of her head by shovel and then Sam fell down. In the morning San wake up and she is still in the garden. Oh…my head…the woman…says Sam She find a shovel near to her and a broken doll with a small tamp she become yellow from what she see but when she turn she see the principal and Camela are coming to her. What happened….explain everything…says principal I don't know….says Sam What do you mean by you don't know….. Says principal Camela see the broken doll and she become sad. Camela wait….I swear I didn't…says Sam Everything is clear….that's why you wanted to see it…to take it from me….says Camela I told you I didn't do it….last night it there was a woman who was digging in the garden I thought it was you so that I go to her but then I figure out that she wasn't you I tried to run but she hit me and I fell down…says Sam A good story Sam…but did you think for a moment that we would believe you…the answer is No of course…says principal Look I lies a lot before but this time I'm saying the truth…please trust me….says Sam You will be punished for two days….alone in the roof room so you can think more about your behaviour…says principal No…no Camela trust me….says Sam If you are saying the truth so why you are wearing Mage's clove….says Camela Sam shocked when she sees the clove. I don't know where it comes from…says Sam Stop…Sam and come with me NOW….says principal The principal take Sam and put her in the roof room for two days. All that's happened because of that woman….and this clave….says Sam angry She tries to open it but it seems to be stock on her arm. Dame…what this rubbish…..says Sam angry Two days later Sam gets out from the roof room. In the mathematic class Sam is writing in her notebook then her right arm which is the clave were start moving and pointing out side the class. What are you doing Sam…says math teacher A…a…nothing…I...just thought I know the answer…says Sam while she holding her right arm. Sam tries to hold her hand but the hand still pointing and then all the class start laughing on the teacher because they are thinking that Sam is joking with the teacher. Will you stop or I will send you to the principal…says the teacher Then the hand through all the books in the Sam's table. Stop…Sam…says the teacher I can't…it's out of control…says Sam Will you stop or I will hit you in your arm…says the teacher No. I will try…says Sam But her hand doesn't stop so that the math teacher takes her ruler and hit Sam's arm. Ouch…says Sam Then Sam's hand slap the teacher…and then all the student stop laughing. GO TO THE PRINCIPAL NOW…says the teacher angry Sam goes to the principal office and then. What did you do now…says principal I didn't do it…it was my hand…says Sam What….and what did your hand do….says principal laughing My hand slap the math teacher…Says Sam What…and you saying it easy….says principal I told you I didn't do it…says Sam Then her hand starts massing the principal table. Stop it….Sam….says principal I'm trying….says Sam Stop it Sam…I mean it…says principal Then the hand stops in Camela's name. GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW….says principal Sam goes to her room. After three hours the principal comes to Sam room and take her to the doctor office. This is doctor Alex Anderson she is a Schick…and Doctor Alex this is Sam your patient…says principal Hi Sam…how are you…says Alex I don't know…really…says Sam That's way I bring her…to help you getting better Sam…and now I will leave you both of you to talk….says principal Take a sit Sam and tell me about your family…Says Alex What I thought you will ask me about what happened…says Sam Ok then…what happened…says Alex Then Sam told her what happened to her that night and what happened with the math teacher. I don't know why they don't trust me…says Sam Because nobody believe this story Sam even a child…says Alex that's not all the story i just will be waiting for you post......so please post
_________________ I always bather my teacher and play in the class but I never pansihed...do you believe that...

TL G-Wooster
magic is fun! we're dead
Epic Novelist

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 3603
Reviews: 818
Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles
412 Points

Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject:

Just reading the first sentence and skim reading the rest. Where the heck is your punctuation?

Quote:

Servant: Madam Mary…..she does it again….she does it again….she put mice in the kitchen.

Principal in her office with Sam: Sam…what I can do to stop that behaviour….what else I can do to stop you.

I'm sorry…says Sam

Stop saying that Sam it's the hundred time that you apologizing…you don't leave me a choice you will work with Camela in cleaning. Sam opening her eyes

No…not with Camela….her voice is not beautiful and listening to her for two weeks will make me crazy.

So in this cause you will know how I feel when I have someone like you in the school….it will be a good lesson for you.

God help me…says Sam

So from that day Sam have a nightmare in both morning and evening.

This is really, really rushed, and there is no punctuation. Do you read a lot of books? You need to, so that you can get together even a rough idea of how a story should go.

Just taking this bit line by line:

Quote:

Servant: Madam Mary…..she does it again….she does it again….she put mice in the kitchen.

You just say "servant." We have no idea what the servant looks like, how they speak, whether Sam likes the servant, doesn't care. You don't even say whether the servant is male or female.

Even without the servant's description, it should go something like this, The servant said, "Madam Mary? Sam's put mice in the kitchen again!" If you wouldn't say the dialogue you write, then you shouldn't write it.

Quote:

Principal in her office with Sam: Sam…what I can do to stop that behaviour….what else I can do to stop you.

Don't say, "Principle in her office with Sam:" because that makes it read like a play, and this is a story. Describe the office to us, make us see it. Describe the principle. What type of woman is she? Is she secretly sympathetic to Sam, or is she fed up with her? Wouldn't she show more authority than the tired, "What can I do to stop you?"

Quote:

I'm sorry…says Sam

This should be, "I'm sorry…" says Sam.

Quote:

Stop saying that Sam it's the hundred time that you apologizing…you don't leave me a choice you will work with Camela in cleaning. Sam opening her eyes

You always, always, always have quote marks (") around speech. This dialogue should go as, "Stop saying that, Sam. It's the hundredth time that you've apologized... You don't leave me a choice. You will work with Camela in cleaning."

Then begin a new paragraph and put, Sam opened her eyes. Why did she have her eyes closed in the first place?

Quote:

No…not with Camela….her voice is not beautiful and listening to her for two weeks will make me crazy.

This reads like it's Sam's thought. If so, then it's usual to put it in italics. Why is Sam concerned about a non-beautiful voice? This should go as, Oh, no, not with Camela. Her voice is not beautiful and listening to her for two weeks will make me crazy. or something like that.

Quote:

So in this cause you will know how I feel when I have someone like you in the school….it will be a good lesson for you.

Change this to simply, "Then this will be a good lesson for you." Add in an action as well -- what does the principle do? Does she lean back in her chair? Sigh? Twitch? Do some nervous thingie?

Quote:

God help me…says Sam

Should be, "God help me," says Sam.

Quote:

So from that day Sam have a nightmare in both morning and evening

Be clearer. What's the nightmare?

---

Just taking that part should show how the rest can be fixed, as I'm running short of time now. You always enclose speech/dialogue in quote marks, and commas, full stops and other punctuation marks are your friends.

It's very much frowned upon to put a poll with your work, so take it off. You'll get more readers that way. Also, you need to read at least two other stories before you put any of your own up. It's the rules: review loads more than you put your own stories up.

If this seems harsh, it's only because it's the best way to help. Look around the site and you'll see that it's the best way. Very Happy

Enjoy the site!

_________________
Most people run screaming to the therapist when they hear voices. I write. –Laurie Halse Anderson

MidnightVampire
Lauren did it!
Novelist

Gender:

Age: 13
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 475
Reviews: 139
Country: lost in my book
368 Points

Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 4:54 pm Post subject:

Ok, first of all, welcome to YWS! I'm MidnightVampire. Here are a few errors that happened a lot: 1. The tenses jump around, in one sentence it said:Sam run as quickly as she can but the woman hit her in the back of her head by shovel.......... I'm guessing that your tense is present tense because that's what it seemed to have started in then it would be: Sam ran as quickly as she could but the woman hit her in the back of her head by a shovel. 2. Spelling and Punctuation.(I'm not going to repeat everything that's above me) It was hard for me to read because of the tense change and the format, so I can really critique the general idea of your story, though I must say that you got me curious enough to continue to read with the dolls. A suggestion is to show more than you tell. Telling can be important at times, but it's always better to show. That way your writing won't seem so rushed. I'm sorry if I seemed to be harsh, this piece has potential, it does. Please PM me if you have an questions about what I just said. Again, welcome to YWS. -MV
_________________ I'll sleep in December Icon from: http://community.livejournal.com/nano_icons/57768.html#cutid1

Amal
Novice

Gender: Gender:Female

Age: 20
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 0
Country: Unite Arab Emirates
300 Points

Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject:

easy on me guys I'm Arabian and I'm still studing English.......I know my writing is so bad......but I can tell you that I write a story it's smilar to harry potter story but it's in Arabic and everybody like it and I'm starting to write the next Chapter......I really want to present it to you but i'm not so good in writing in English.... so please help me in what I write now so I can persent my best story thank you for your comment although it made me sad it also made me laugh Amal
_________________ I always bather my teacher and play in the class but I never pansihed...do you believe that...

Amal
Novice

Gender: Gender:Female

Age: 20
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 0
Country: Unite Arab Emirates
300 Points

Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 7:46 pm Post subject:

Why…why not…she even hit me in my head…says Sam What…can I see…says Alex Alex fined a sprain in Sam's hand. Yeah…there is a sprain in your head…says Alex You see…I told you I was saying the truth…says Sam happy Sam it's not a proof…it can be happened by anything…look I think this accident effect your mind…says Alex You are saying that I'm mad…I had enough…says Sam Sam leaves the office and when she is going to her room the hand start pointing but Sam ignore it then the hand hold the wall and refused to let Sam to go to her room. OK…where do you want to me to go…..says Sam Then the hand pointed to Carmela's room. What this Carmela's room I will not go….I don't want Carmela to think that I'm thief ….says Sam But the hand still pointing….then Sam inter Camela's room and the hand point to the bed…when Sam was walking near to Camela's bed Camela arrive. What are you doing her...did you forget to steal something else…says Camela Why you can't believe me Camela I'm your friend remember….says Sam Friends never petered their friends….you don't know how it was important to me…says Camela crying it was the only gift I got from my mother and the only gift I had….and you took it because you are a curies person who like to bather everyone…why Sam Why….says Camela crying I swear I didn't…says Sam Just go…says Camela Sam leaves the room quickly and goes to her room and she planned to stay late to observe the garden from her room's window so she can catch the woman and proof her innocent…she stay late for three nights but nothing happened….in addition all the student are ignoring Sam and avoiding to talk or sit with her. The principal send Sam back to the doctor office. I hope this conversation will not end like the last time…says Alex I hope so…says Sam According to what you said to me before…I bring things that was with you on that day and also I research about the story that Camela's told you…and I know that you should buy the book first then you can get yours own doll…and the doll that we found it with you her name is Lily….says Alex What…can I have a look…says Sam Sam looks to the back of the doll's head and she finds name Lily. So that means…says Sam It's mean what….says Alex Sam runs to the Camela's room. Stop Sam….I don't finish yet….why she always doing that to me…says Alex Sam goes to Camela's room and she finds Camela in the room. Sam what are you doing here…didn't you learn from the last time…says Camela Your doll is still under the bed…says Sam What are saying Sam….says Camela? I'm telling you that the doll that you found it with me on that day…it was another doll your doll is still here in it place under the bed…says Sam And…how do you know that…says Camela Didn't you remember that day you showed me the doll…I found her name which it was in the back of the dolls head…says Sam So what…says Camela? Don't you get it…the which you found it with me her name is Lily and yours doll name is Sally…says Sam Then Camela looks down under the bed and she takes the box and then she open it and she finds the doll. I'm sorry Sam…I'm really sorry…says Camela No problem…at less you believe me now…says Sam Then Sam hand jumps and took sally. What are you doing Sam…says Camela It's not me…it's my hand…says Sam Sam tries to hold her hand by using her left hand then Camela take the doll and locked the door in Sam…Camela goes to bring the principal and the doctor when Sam is trying to control her hand….There was a dist in the window and then the write something on it. If you want to know who I am bring the doll and Camela with you and then the hand will help you to get to me…??? When they come…Camela open the door... Sam…come her…everything will be fine…says Alex What do you mean by fine…when everybody thinks that I'm crazy…this fine you call it…says Sam No of course…why not you come with me Sam in my office so we can talk…says Alex Then the hand takes knife. Relax…relax Sam…just put down the knife so we can talk easy…says Alex The hand is doing that not me…and listening time is finish…now I want to know what is happing to me…Says Sam Nothing is happing to you…you just imagine it Sam…says Alex Nonsense….Camela bring your cars keys and the doll and come with me Camela…if anyone follow us I will heart her…says Sam angry Sam takes Camela and leaves the school. So…where I go hand…says Sam The hand shows Sam the direction and Camela follow it….then they arrive…it was a hidden door by the tree…the hand open Sam's door. So…it's mean we should get out from the car…so put the car keys in my pocket and walk in front of me…says Sam They both walk to the hidden door then Sam opens it. After you…say Sam Sam put the knife in her pocket and take the doll with her…when the enter the house. Finally Sam…you understand my signals and bring me the doll…?? Who are you….says Sam? Ask Camela she knows….??? It can be…you…you Mage aren't you…says Camela? Yeah…it's been a long time since I play with you Camela you was a nice child…says Mage So what do you want from me…says Sam I use you…says Mage You use me…who…says Sam Yeah I use you to bring the doll to me…says Mage So why you don't bring it by yourself…says Sam Because I afraid from up stirs and Camela's room in the third floor….and I remember that night when I came to research the place and I heart noisy then I saw you playing fireworks in the garden…and you ran before they catch you…So from that day I know I can keen on you to do this work…..and also I wear Camela's clothes and I through the stones in your window so you a wake and came to me thinking that I'm Camela….then I make Camela saw the broken doll so she think you steal it when I send you back to Camela's room to take her doll and bring it to me….says Mage All this because I stupid doll…says Sam This stupid doll have a treasure and I need it…says Mage So why you sold it to my mother…says Camela I didn't sold it to her…I just give it to her...says Mage It's same…because since you gave someone thing you can ask them to return it…says Sam No….it's not because in that days the government closed all my dolls store….and I couldn’t save them….only one store I save it….it was in Mica village which I didn't have a chance to open it….the government came to my house and took all the stores's keys except the Mica village key because they didn't know about it…and I decided to hide it in the doll….says Mage You mean Sally doll…says Sam Yeah…and give it to Camela's mother…then they took me to the jail for fifteen years because I couldn’t repay everyone's money who bought from me….and that's because I spent it in making the dolls and publishing my books… so when I get out from jail I take it back…but unfortunately the left the village and came here…so I follow her to take the doll and open my store so I can take the hidden money and start over…..says Mage But you said now you didn't have enough money to reply to the people….so from where the hidden money came from…says Sam I worked hard to have it and I will not give it to them easily…even if I would be in jail for a hundred year….says Mage You such a mad woman….says Sam No…not me the people became mad…they were jalousie from me because I was better in everything so that they did that to me they want me to became a loser….but you know what I become more stronger than I was..Ha ha ha…says Mage laughing The doll, the money and the store were yours but you said that if anyone found something in the doll it will be for him…so I will not give it to you…says Sam Don't you want to get to ride of the clove….says Mage? Of course….says Sam Then give me the doll…and I will release you…says Mage No Sam don't give it to her…you can't ride of the clove…says Camela Why…says Sam I remember now this clove it was Mage's family clove and they out it to the bad children to control them and also to remained them to stop doing bad things.…and once you wear it you can't open it….look to Mage's hand she has one…says Camela Well…well Camela you know about me more than I think….says Mage That's why she acting like that…says Sam So why you can move your hand easily…says Sam Because I have the remote which controlling your clove and mine remote is broken do you understand now… says Mage Yeah…says Sam So give the doll then…says Mage NEVER…says Sam Then her hand start attacking Sam…then Sam through the doll to Camela and ask her to run…Camela refused to go…then the police arrive with the principal and the doctor Alex. Stop…or I will kill her…says Mage What this nonsense…says policeman No…she saying the truth…don't you see how the child fighting with her hand…says Camela Sam take the knife from her pocket and cut her right arm…then the arm jump and hanging Sam…Camela take the arm and through it in the oven…and the hand born. Are you all right…Sam…I'm sorry I don't believe you….says Camela crying Then the ambulance come and takes Sam when Mage was running from the police and unfortunately she crashed by a car and become in coma… Camela's owns now the doll's store in Mica village and one billion's dollars…she open a restaurant in the doll's store and now she has fifteen restaurant a round the world….Sam become a hero and everyone in the city like her and she stop doing bad thing but even if she has one arm she still putting mice in the school's kitchen… SSSAAAAMMMM… principal Oops….Sam The End
_________________ I always bather my teacher and play in the class but I never pansihed...do you believe that...

MidnightVampire
Lauren did it!
Novelist

Gender:

Age: 13
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 475
Reviews: 139
Country: lost in my book
368 Points

Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 4:12 am Post subject:

Sorry, I looked up the language to just to make sure, but it said some people also spoke English, so I didn't want to insult you if you did speak English. Sorry! ashamed. I know how hard it is to write in a different language, I've started learning Spanish this year, and I can barely write in that language. For a second language it's pretty good. I'll review what's in front of me tomorrow, because it's ten here, and my dad is begging me to get off the computer. ~MV. P.S. you can put the next chapter as a different thread if you want. P.P.S. Keep writing! P.P.P.S. Don't be discouraged! You're writing in a different language, something not many of us dare to try!
_________________ I'll sleep in December Icon from: http://community.livejournal.com/nano_icons/57768.html#cutid1

MidnightVampire
Lauren did it!
Novelist

Gender:

Age: 13
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 475
Reviews: 139
Country: lost in my book
368 Points

Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 5:38 pm Post subject:

I have finally gotten to critique this.

Quote:

What are you doing here...did you forget to steal something else…says Camela

You seemed to have forgotten an e here.

Quote:

If you want to know who I am bring the doll and Camela with you and then the hand will help you to get to me…???

the ...??? is a little bit odd. I understand what you're trying to do, but it would be better if you just left it without the ...??? because she doesn't know anyway.

Quote:

Relax…relax Sam…just put down the knife so we can talk easy…says Alex
The hand is doing that not me…and listening time is finish…now I want to know what is happing to me…Says Sam
Nothing is happing to you…you just imagine it Sam…says Alex
Nonsense….Camela bring your cars keys and the doll and come with me Camela…if anyone follow us I will heart her…says Sam angry

This part is a tad bit confusing because first, the hand grabs the knife, and Sam is trying to explain, but then she's saying that if anyone follows her and Camela, then she will hurt her. ????*Majorly Confused*

The story becomes a little more exciting near the end, which is good. A word of advice is to use a few pronouns, because you repeated Sam and Camela a lot. So don't be afraid to use the word she.
-MV

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