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Annie
Annie

by megdoodles13 in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on May 24, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Machinations #1 (part 1)
Machinations #1 (part 2)
Machinations #2 (part 1)
Machinations #2 (part 2)
Machinations #3 (part 2)
Machinations #4
Machinations #5

Machinations #3 (part 1)

Topic ID: 30642
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 9:18 pm    Post subject: Machinations #3 (part 1) Reply with quote

There is incredible poetry in the way the arms of a corpse are sometimes lifted towards the sky, as if silent hallelujahs have been infused into its fingers – carried reverently in its palms like glass baubles. As if its hands carry last rites, sealed by coagulating blood. Sealed by blood-stained screams and erotic thrusts and twists and gasps.

There is incredible sexuality in murder.

Muscles taut like violin strings, bodies tense and sculpted. Iron resistance that cries to be coerced into flexibility; brittle limbs massaged into willow branches. Pliant and supple as life drifts out of open mouths and open eyes and snakes up through the atmosphere like cigarette smoke. Here, screams are operatic soliloquies. Sounds that pierce performance halls as backs arch with the shock of the moment, eyes bleed terror, hands flutter violently. Like delicate moth wings.

Powdered with hopelessness.

A knife thrust is like a verse of poetry.

Gunshots are contralto singers delivering final notes.

Fingers around a neck contract with all the grace of the hands of a dancer.

If you can manage to look past the brutality – past the lust and frenzy. Past grinning faces with mouths that slather globs of dementia. Past the lack of basic human goodness. Past the mutilation of symmetry, there is an impeccable and exquisite moment of twisted beauty.

Outstretched hands.

Strung-out muscles.

The baptism of sweat and blood and spit: essence of humanity.

At first, the ordeal is nauseating. The combination of the lighting – the jaundiced smoke-masked lighting – the sounds, the smells, the gasps of electricity that twitch and pluck in the air results in a very physical reaction. At first, you see only the violence. You see only the thievery of human life. As sadistic, sorrow bent men use piano-fingers to choke the life out of naked women or innocent men, shake hands with Death, clean their fingernails casually, and point to the baggage, the souls that required transport. You see the face of Death – the decay of his features – and smell the rancid mustard gas-disinfectant cleaner scent of his breath.

And your obvious reaction is.

Throw up.

Eject it.

For the love of God, get rid of it!

But time after time after time, forced to observe, desensitivity weighs in. It slips over your eyes like crimson tinted glasses and reveals the poetry of the situation. There is order in chaos, my friends. Death is an artist. And his tools – the paints, the pastels, the wire-headed brushes, the canvas eaten raw by trillions of fleeing-life paroxyms – are the hands of the greatest human nightmare. The superlative monster:

Another human.

Art, poetry, sexuality.

Sure, my tastes are avant-garde, but so were Picasso's, so were Van Gough's, so were Da Vinci's. My thirst for human expression can easily be gratified by a well-placed brush stroke or a pencil line glissando. Like good wine. Like good conversation.

But after all, the key to appreciating good art is knowing it.

Little corsages of blood freckled his Italian-tailored designer suit like shrapnel and his sharp, angular face was bloated with a trillion unborn screams; swollen and pregnant. His eyes bulged from their sockets and bled tears of droplets that slipped down the bridge of his nose, into his mouth, down his neck, and tasted like salt-fused hysteria.

Mingling with the blood.

Crimson cocktails, on the rocks.

Adam looked at the man – his limbs strung out on the inclined rack, his spine scoliotic, arched so that only the heels of his feet and the back of wrists made contact with the metal grating – overcome with disgust. They way he writhed and twisted and squirmed only made Adam feel better about what he was doing. What he was going to do. In his absence it seemed as if humankind had deteriorated into a listless, vacant group of individuals. There skin had melted into putty, their bones were fragile and worm-eaten, their faces were pockmarked and corpulent. They were a fallen race.

Their instinct for survival was a dull guillotine. And one by one, they were placing their own heads under its blade, their eyes like fractured marbles, and pulling the cord.

Hiss.

Thump.

The percussion of a melon-sized head hitting the ground.

With dazed expressions and a collar of Merlot colored blood.

Adam touched the orb attached to the metal grating. The man's screams – the screams collecting like water behind a dam – ruptured from between his lips and filled the room, shoving at the walls, pushing hands through the bars. His chest inflated and deflated with a kind of tachycardia of the lungs, gasps stumbling from his mouth and down his chin.

Frantic Chinese followed them out like splintered bamboo.

Adam smiled lazily.

The man's name was Jin.

He owned a flat in Hong Kong.

He was a successful corporate consultant.

No doubt that being here and in this situation was an unpleasant change in scenery. But Adam had to know what he was up against. He had to know what ten thousand years of evolution had produced.

Jin was sobbing.

All his humanity ripped from him like clothing in a kind of rape, reduced to the level of an animal, reduced to begging for his life, begging for Adam to stop. All his composure was drooling from his mouth. Ten thousand years and mankind had atrophied. Wasted away in searching for a Utopia instead of searching for perfection and endurance and power.

Adam touched the orb and the little Chinese man jackknifed in pain again, screaming, his eyes clenched shut. He was shivering now. His muscles were raw and paralytic; loose so that they hung from his bones like telephone wires. Blood was spreading faster across his shirt and suit and tie, glistening weakly.

Adam shook his head.

Disgusting.

Frail.

Torpid flesh clinging to creatures gutted of any intelligence, of any sapience.

So kill him.

Adam walked over to the iron grating, pulsing with residual twitches of energy – lazy blue snakes of electricity arching bridges – and smiled down at Jin. And a single word dropped out of the man's blistered lips.

“Please.”

Adam flicked his hand.

A clean, surgical wound appeared across Jin's neck and disclosed a little fountain of rich blood – boiling and spattering onto the floor, scalding Adam's hand. The man's eyes bulged. His hands jerked up to his neck as if they were attached to marionette strings.

And then he stopped.


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PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 6:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A snuff piece? Really?

Overall, I think the piece was really over-written. The narration kills it. The whole commentary on how beautiful the act of torture is goes on forever and does nothing to add to the story. It just sort of delays it.

If you were to turn some of this commentary into dialogue, you might be able to salvage some of it. It would also be connected to the character, not to you the author. When it is connected to the character, it is just character development. When it is connected to the author, it's preaching.

Don't preach.

You can tell this piece is distracted because the plot doesn't progress. How can I tell? Because next to nothing happens!

I think you can scrap this and turn it into a page of dialogue, maybe.

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PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your input, Grif. I'll take your comments into consideration.

However, I feel like I need to justify myself somewhat. First of all, I'm curious as to whether or not you've read chapters one and two. Secondly, this is not the end of the scene, much less the chapter. I did not post the entire scene because it was rather lengthy and I haven't posted part two of this chapter due to a lack of points.

There is dialogue in part two of this chapter.

Thirdly, the italicized portion of the text - the portion you felt was preachy - is not an author's aside. It was actually a stream of consciousness from another character. A detatched and "non-human" character.

I hope that your opinion will change once you read part two, if you choose to.

Thank you,

-Kylan

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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

'Kay. I'm gonna be very truthful with you here. I didn't like this. I was expecting something else entirely. In fact... none of this made sense. I couldn't understand what was going on. It wasn't really part of the story... suddenly Adam popped out of nowhere. *sigh* I hate leaving bad critiques.

It was well written, but like Gryph stated, it's a bit long winded. It seemed like the descriptions would never end. It seemed like the story would never start. I would very much like to read more about, ah crap. I forgot the woman's name. Anyway, the woman in the last chapter. I want to read what happened after the accident.

But I guess everything is due in their time. You just have to make me wait for it.

Also, Adam. I'm guessing he's the bad guy? He is torturing some Chinese dude. I hope he gets a big part of the story. I'm always up for torturers. Haha.

Annnnyway, yeah. Please PM me with the next update!!!

(You said that there would be fantasy in this piece. I didn't catch it...?)

-Jared

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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kylan! Despite previous comments, I actually found this quite engaging. I thought the italicised portion served its purpose by establishing the tone and overall feel of the rest of the scene. Your description in this was very lush and detailed, as usual. I'm starting to grow accustomed the the frequent fragmented sections of your writing. In the first few installments it seemed as if they somewhat took away from story, but now I see them as a flair of your own personal style and as subtle components to the overall flow and rhythm of your writing.

Quote:
There skin had melted into putty, their bones were fragile and worm-eaten, their faces were pockmarked and corpulent.


This was the only typo I found. Everything else looks good.

I did notice the fantasy elements that you mentioned, and I think what you've revealed is very interesting so far. I'll be waiting to find out more about Adam and why he's doing what he's doing.

Post more soon! ^^


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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well now, I agree and disagree with some of the things said here.

One, as Grif said, it's over-written - there is brilliance in simplicity, pare it down a bit. It doesn't really go anywhere, but you've mentioned it's connected to other pieces yet to be posted or not currently in this one so that's fine. I assume it will all tie in together soon enough.

Quote:
Past grinning faces with mouths that slather globs of dementia. Past the lack of basic human goodness. Past the mutilation of symmetry, there is an impeccable and exquisite moment of twisted beauty.


The thing about passages such as these is that they all say the same thing; it's repetitive and while all of them, singly, are poetic and great - strung together, it's just annoying. You need to wield the axe! Wield it, damn it!

I saw the fantasy element, so far so good. It will really need to become a major focus I think, it can't be just an aside, a technique to set this aside from other such action thrillers. Here's to hoping that you develop that more.

I disagree with BG about the fragments. I understand its part of your style and that's great - they're effective and you use them well. But again, too much is not good. You will never - ever - find such a constant use of that technique in a novel. I guarentee it. You get away with it to a tiny degree here, only because there is space and time in between reading each post. If this was on paper and I was reading this in a continual stream, I'd have put it down. Or would, soon enough. That is a massive shame because this has to be some of the most consistently well-written pieces I have read on YWS.

Few can keep it up in the one story. You're doing well though, so kudos on that.

Cheers

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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eee, I'm going to sound a little bit like Jiggity up above me. I do think that this was a little overwritten. You make a point and then kind of beat it to death. You beat it to death with beautiful writing, but it is still beaten.

I'll agree that not much happened in this chapter. There was violence, but there doesn't appear to be any motive for it beyond sadism. Maybe the motive will be brought up in the next part of the chapter, but in this excerpt, it just seems mindless. The other two chapters so far were able to stand on their own in their parts, but this one seems a bit dry by itself. That may just be the fault of the slicing up of the chapters, but it was just something I noticed.

However, I did like it. You do write very well and your style has been maintained, even through different situations and characters. Speaking of which, how many do you plan to introduce? So far we have had three POV characters, each apparently with their own story. I'd caution you about introducing too many before giving the reader a chance to get involved with those already mentioned. I've done something like that before and I learned a lot from it. I don't know what you plan on doing, but just though I'd mention it now.

Also, in the beginning, you have a bit in first person. Who is thinking this? Is it Peter? Or is the "detached and non-human" character you mentioned a bit earlier? You have a paragraph of italics, then a big section that sounds like it should also be italicized, but is not. Is that a computer error? Is it another character that will be introduced.

Yay! Fantasy element. Very nice to see it introduced. I'd like to see how it interplays with the rest of the plot, since so far, I am seeing action/adventure written all over it.

Anyway, I look forward to reading the next part of this chapter. Please PM when you post it.

Very nice.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, I agree with the general verdict here. I kind of lapse into 'over-writing' whenever I don't feel passionate about what I'm writing and/or if I haven't planned a scene very thoroughly. This was the case here. Fantasy was introduced, I was dealing with a foreign character, and I kind of tripped off of the beaten path.

And then I over corrected by going over-the-top.

But please, those of you who enjoyed the first few chapters don't lose hope in me yet. Keep reading! (I will post part two of this chapter later today. Hopefully it will redeem part 1. Also, I feel really good about Chapter four and I think all will enjoy.)

In response to fragment related comments: If you look back over anything I've written, you will see a chronic fragment disorder. Unfortunately/fortunately this is how I write. It has always been my style. And, for better or worse, It will continue to be my style.

Thanks again, and I'll be in touch

-Kylan

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 9:28 am    Post subject: Re: Machinations #3 (part 1) Reply with quote

Kylan wrote:

If you can manage to look past the brutality – past the lust and frenzy. Past grinning faces with mouths that slather globs of dementia. Past the lack of basic human goodness. Past the mutilation of symmetry, there is an impeccable and exquisite moment of twisted beauty. Past is over used here. I get the point. I don't think the repetition adds to the emphasis here.


Kylan wrote:
But time after time after time, forced to observe, desensitivity weighs in. It slips over your eyes like crimson tinted glasses(I don't know how you feel about the old saying of rose coloured glasses, but it might be easier for a person to relate to that other then crimson tinted. Just a thought and reveals the poetry of the situation. There is order in chaos, my friends. Death is an artist. And his tools – the paints, the pastels, the wire-headed brushes, the canvas eaten raw by trillions of fleeing-life paroxyms – are the hands of the greatest human nightmare. The superlative monster:


Kylan wrote:
Adam Hey look! I'm in the story! Sorry. Smile looked at the man – his limbs strung out on the inclined rack, his spine scoliotic, arched so that only the heels of his feet and the back of wrists made contact with the metal grating – overcome with disgust. They way he writhed and twisted and squirmed only made Adam feel better about what he was doing. What he was going to do. In his absence it seemed as if humankind had deteriorated into a listless, vacant group of individuals. There skin had melted into putty, their bones were fragile and worm-eaten, their faces were pockmarked and corpulent. They were a fallen race.


I don't agree about the overly written issue. I thought all of it set the scene nicely. I personally like this kind of description, it's in depth enough to give a good image, but not so much it drowns out the action. I would like more dialogue though. But I can't really see where to place more. Perhaps a bit more internal dialogue from Adam, give use some better sense of who he is?(Or what he is rather)

I enjoyed it. Pretty graphic. Reminded me of Saw a bit.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think on the whole we've probably already beaten this thing to death for you, but I have a couple comments. On the whole, this is still very gripping, but I think that the problem is that for the first couple of paragraphs, there's no solid narrator attached. Even if we don't know who is narrating the first few paragraphs, even if it's some otherworldly spirit possessing somebody or something, it needs to be grounded to something. Up until the sentence "Sure, my tastes are avant-garde," there's nothing tangible to tie this to.

That's all I have to offer. Crisp imagery, as usual.

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