Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Get A Free YWS Sticker!

Writing Olympics Event #7 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Watching Windows - Chapter 4
Watching Windows - Chapter 4

by CastlesInTheSky in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on March 25, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


A Drunk Paul Revere
Topic ID: 27726
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Samuel Garrison   View This User's Portfolio
To arms! Tis thy Rebel Army!
Master of the Forum

290
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1521
Reviews: 290
Country: Native Vermonter.
381 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:44 am    Post subject: A Drunk Paul Revere Reply with quote

025. Drink; A Drunk Paul Revere

1768.

It was my third glass of ale and I gulped it feverously, every drop. I would have asked the tavern keeper of the Green Dragon Tavern for another round except a finger tapped my shoulder.

I turned to the person who is sitting by my left side. He had a wide, smug grin. “What are you so happy about?” I asked, then hiccupped.

“Should I be?” Paul winked.

“Should you be what?” I asked irritably.

“Happy?”

“Well, why are you smiling so smugly?”

He hiccupped too. “Think you can drink a fourth?” He rubbed some residue that was dripping from his bottom lip. Paul Revere was drooling. I might have laughed if it were not for this throbbing pain inside my head. Perhaps if I drink more glasses of ale, it will numb the soreness I am beginning to feel.

“Yes,” I mumbled, “but why should I?”

Paul winked again. “Care for a contest? Let us see who can outlast the other.”

“Pah,” I snorted. “We both know I will win. The last time this contest began, you lost. Two drinks and there you were, on the floor, sleeping like a wee babe. Your antics of cradling Sam angered him the last time this folly went underway.”

“I do not remember any of that,” Paul asked by scratching one side of his head in confusion.

“Of course not.”

He slapped my shoulder playfully, obviously choosing to ignore my warning. “Scared?” Paul challenged.

“Order me another glass,” I replied seriously.

Paul raised an arm and motioned for the tavern keeper. Soon the man approached, waiting.

“Another glass of ale for my young friend here, and I will have another mug of beer,” Paul said to the tavern keeper.

“It shall be done,” the tavern keeper said. He bowed slightly, took off quickly, and within moments our drinks awaited us.

“I love the service here,” Paul laughed, and slurped his drink.

“It is probably because Boston knows its silversmith well,” I remarked, and then I too began inhaling the dark liquid.

*

By my sixth glass, my vision was bleary. “Why… is tha rum dunthing?” I asked in slurred speech. My head sort of swayed but try as I might I could not keep it steady.

I slowly turned in Paul's direction, looking for him but he was not in his seat. I wondered where he had gone, and why he departed without saying a word. I shrugged but I happened to cast my vision down towards the floorboards. I blinked and rubbed my right eye with a thumb. I saw indeed something but it was difficult to trace the outline of the object. Squinting, I realized there was no object on the floor at all but a body and it was wide – burly. The body was snoring, I heard that much of unpleasent sounds. Paul Revere fell unconscious and after four drinks. It was his personal record.

“Tud you so I would win,” I mumbled to a sleeping Revere.


_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.

230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007


Last edited by Samuel Garrison on Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:33 pm; edited 6 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
einstein's memorial
Master of the Forum

571
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1485
Reviews: 571
Country: Gotham City
1042 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

XP Had to click on it because of the title!

Quote:
Then, he rubbed some residue that was dripping from his bottom lip.


Quote:
Paul Revere is drooling.


You changed tenses here. Change 'is' to 'was'.

Quote:
Paul asked by scratching one side of his head in confusion.


That's, sad to say, but terribly cliche. And in the real world, does anyone really do that?

Quote:

“Tud you so I would win,” I mumbled to a sleeping Revere.
'

XD Priceless.

Well, thanks for the laugh. There isn't really any other things to critique you on except a little more description of the pub would be nice.

You cheered me up, Jess. XD

-Jared

_________________
If you're a Mormon writer who wants to get to know other people like yourself, or if you're someone who wants to learn more about our church, join The Mormon Club.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Samuel Garrison   View This User's Portfolio
To arms! Tis thy Rebel Army!
Master of the Forum

290
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1521
Reviews: 290
Country: Native Vermonter.
381 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Teddy! *hugs teddy*

OK, I'll let you breath now. Like that? XD You should see the full length scene played out. It is actually posted on this site because Sam wanted to read about my drunk Revere. This is just a shortened version that developed into a "back story." If you want the link to the whole scene, just ask.

Thanks for the editing job.

Uh hem.... XD
Quote:
Paul asked by scratching one side of his head in confusion.


That's, sad to say, but terribly cliche. And in the real world, does anyone really do that?


It is cliche but as I people watch frequently, it's actually a common gesture for some odd reason. I catch myself doing it all the time when I'm confused about something. To each their own but thanks for the feedback concerning descripting about the tavern.

Cheers!
Glad I made your night.

_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.

230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Heidigirl666   View This User's Portfolio
Praise the FSM and His noodly appendage
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 25 Feb 2008
Posts: 460
Reviews: 53
Country: Switzerland
366 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 10:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I asked, than hiccupped.


Then, not than. Wink

That's the only thing I immediately noticed, and yeah, a little bit more description would be nice. Otherwise, I liked it. Loved the funny ending. Very Happy

_________________
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Sam   View This User's Portfolio
sister socrates
Epic Novelist

1240
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4806
Reviews: 1240
Country: oslo in the summertime
696 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Jess! I'm up for round two...

The only thing that really struck me about this one was the ending. Good ol' Sam doesn't really seem that drunk at all--and of course, it's difficult because you're in first person and you still need to make some kind of sense. I had someone explain to me once as having the "feeling" of drunk, but not necessarily word-for-word vernacular.

- Twist some phrases. Have you ever read anything and thought, "That...doesn't quite sit right?" Write like you have a cold, and you don't quite know how to describe things.

- Use several words for one. Being non-specific is a good way to make things feel off-kilter.

If I think of anymore, I shall tell you--but just make sure to play with the language a bit to make it feel more authentic. ^_^ Subtle as it might be, it'll be a cool effect.

_________________
He could not fall in love with anyone who wasn’t perfect, he told himself. It would be so hard to love someone imperfect.

- Also, I Could Kill You
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Lynlyn   View This User's Portfolio
the ocean is full of water
Novelist

167
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 08 Apr 2007
Posts: 413
Reviews: 167
Country: Yeah. A little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll.
496 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 2:58 am    Post subject: Re: A Drunk Paul Revere Reply with quote

My only real suggestions here would be to play around with your style a little. I'm all for the school of "less is more," but a little wordplay every now and then can really spice up a story. I'm not saying you have to go full-out Faulker/Joyce/etc, but it would be fun to see a little more of a change-up in the language and syntax here.

Specifically, there was really only one thing that I noticed:


Quote:

Squinting, I realized there was no object on the floor at all but a body and it was wide – burly.

This is sort of a little run-on ish. If I were you I would shorten the second phrase somehow ("but" through "burly") to make it a little more concise.

I love the way you've used pre-existing characters to craft something new. It's very... whimsical, I guess? I was sort of expecting something darker, but this was a nice surprise.

_________________
"Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae." -Kurt Vonnegut
Lynlyn's Magical Critique Emporium
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
Samuel Garrison   View This User's Portfolio
To arms! Tis thy Rebel Army!
Master of the Forum

290
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1521
Reviews: 290
Country: Native Vermonter.
381 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*hugs*

I love you guys! You've all been very helpful. Thanks for everything. Smile

_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.

230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
TL G-Wooster   View This User's Portfolio
one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater
Epic Novelist

813
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 3471
Reviews: 813
Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles
1121 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol, good ending. Laughing Wink


Quote:
It was my third glass of ale and I gulped it feverously down, every drop.


Weird word choice, and the "down" seems tagged on. Rephrase?



Quote:
I turned to the person sitting to the left of me. He had a wide but smug grin.


To the left of me = on my left?



Quote:
“What are you so happy about?” I asked, than hiccupped.


Than = then



Quote:
He had a wide but smug grin.


This would be smoother as one phrase of description. "Wide, smug grin"?



Quote:
Perhaps if I drink more glasses of ale, it will numb the soreness I am beginning to feel.


As this is a thought, you should/could put it in itallics.



Quote:
I might have laughed if it were not for this throbbing pain inside my head.


This = the.

Switching, what tenses? Viewpoint?


Quote:
Your antics of cradling Sam by the way angered him the last time this folly went underway.


LOL!

Enclose the bold in commas, nix it or put it elsewhere. It's cluncky here.



Quote:
“Scared?” Paul challenged.


I think the tag here is redundant... I think. You could cut it and it would work just as well.


Quote:
I wondered where he went too, and why he left without saying a word.


Where he went to = where he had gone?


Quote:
The body was snoring, that much I heard.


Cluncky.


---

Amusing! Paul Revere drunk... Rolling Eyes Lol. You just need to fine tune this piece and reword a few sentences, and it'll be great! Very Happy

_________________
NURSE: I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth.
BADER: You wouldn't get a chance, you'd be killed in the rush.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Samuel Garrison   View This User's Portfolio
To arms! Tis thy Rebel Army!
Master of the Forum

290
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1521
Reviews: 290
Country: Native Vermonter.
381 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Twit! How could have I missed your critique? I must have been snoozing.

I'm totally on those edits and might add more. Glad you enjoyed it. XD This piece is the cut down version of the original scene that took place in 1770. The full length scene that features Adams, Revere and my main character - Samuel G., is posted on the Naunces of Dialogue forum under "QUOTES," if you or whoever would like to read it. XD

I certainly have had delight in putting my chars in awkwards positions this past week.

_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.

230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
zoeybird13024   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

55
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Mar 2008
Posts: 90
Reviews: 55
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 2:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I must admit, the title dragged me in as well! I thought, "Now, what does Paul Revere do drunk, eh???" and thus, I was obliged to read it.

Marvelous! I have no nitpicks, all of them taken from me. I suppose I arrived late in the discussion, no? The wording is a bit off, but I notice that in all your works. It has to do with the times, no? It just wouldn't feel/sound right if the character didn't talk like they would if it were really the seventeen hundreds.

Does this fellow have a name? (That's a nitpick!) I'm just curious. The piece seems to be just something small that you wrote for fun (but I could be wrong), so I don't expect the young man to have a name. Nonetheless, I enjoyed this piece, as I do all your work!

-x-Ashes
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on March 25, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on March 25, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do. - Harold Coffin
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society