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This thread was created on May 27, 2008
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Find love
Topic ID: 30748
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JesusFreak
Novice
Age: 13
Joined: 19 May 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 7
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: Find love |
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Verse 1
You feel beaten and bruised
Like you're not good enough
Like no matter what you do
You aren't seen
Everyone looks at you
From the outside in
The bruises are deeper than skin and bone
Prechorus
Does anyone hear you
Does anyone see you're bloody tears
Chorus
Tears of blood are filling you're eyes
No one can see inside
Don't worry
It's not your fault
Search a little deeper
You can find love
Call out to find love
Verse 2
You feel invisible
Like you're not worthy enough
Not even a nod comes your way
And when you are seen
You wish you weren't
You're always pushed around
You're always pushed away
Prechorus
Does anyone hear you
Does anyone see you're bloody tears
Chorus
Tears of blood are filling you're eyes
No one can see inside
Don't worry
It's not your fault
Search a little deeper
You can find love
Call out to find love |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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Before I critique this, I'd like to remind you that here on YWS we have a two for one reviewing policy. That is to say, you need to review two things before you post your own work. Seeing as you're new, I'll let you off, but please go and review two more pieces. The more reviews you make the more you'll get!
Now, onto your critique.
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| The bruises are deeper than skin and bone |
I like the first verse, but this line doesn't fit in with the tune I'm using. I think you should shorten it, or make it two lines.
| Quote: |
Does anyone hear you
Does anyone see you're bloody tears |
These two lines remind me of the song Haunted by Kelly Clarkson. Also, it's your, not you're.
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| Tears of blood are filling you're eyes |
Again, your.
The chorus is okay. So far I've had a lot of trouble fitting a tune to this song. Have you got a basic tune yet? Or were you just writing?
Verse two is good. Not mch trouble with my tune. I like what you're saying here, and I'm quite liking the song.
Overall, it's okay. First of all, check your words. It's your that you want, not you're. Second, do you have a tune to go along with this? Because I had to keep twisting mine so thi would work.
Good luck in future and please make those reviews. |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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Demeter
is dying to find her own Munkustrap.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 886
Reviews: 265
Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
757 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 9:20 am Post subject: |
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I hope I can be of any help, I haven't reviewed many lyrics here yet.
Although this is grammatically correct (right?), it sounded awkward to me. Could you say the same thing in other words? Like, "No one sees you" or something. I know, that's a lame one, but still.
| Quote: |
Does anyone hear you
Does anyone see you're bloody tears |
Question marks? And it should be "your", not you're.
| Quote: |
| Tears of blood are filling you're eyes |
The same thing as above.
| Quote: |
Don't worry
It's not your fault |
This sounded a little empty. Maybe try and make it deeper, fuller?
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| Like you're not worthy enough |
Shouldn't it be "worth"? I may be wrong, so ignore this if I am.
So, I hope I didn't bore you.  Keep writing, good luck!
Demeter xx |
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| This thread was created on May 27, 2008 |
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