JabberHut
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 Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 1:41 am Post subject: |
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Hello! I was browsing through the forums and saw your untouched piece of work here. Though I'm no Naruto fan, fanfics should still attract readers like me. 
Grammar Corrections and First Impressions
| Quote: |
Kakashi was lecruting lecturing Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke. They weren't listening. |
Underlined: The reader can figure out that you mean Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke by using this pronoun, but it's still a bit soon. Use another general noun like students or troublemakers or something that describes the relationship of those three characters. ^^
| Quote: |
| "Blah, Blah, Blah..." was all they could hear as they relaxed on the grass as Kakashi talked away. |
Underlined: Not good. Rework this sentence so you don't have this kind of repetition of as. ...was all they could hear as they relaxed on the grass. That's all you really need. The reader already knows Kakashi's lecturing them. If he stopped, then you should mention it. Otherwise it's assumed that he's talking continually.
| Quote: |
"Hey, Kakashi! How are you doing?" a lady's voice asked. Naruto sat up in one of his odd maners manners. The lady Naruto saw looked like she was 26, and she was very intimidating. |
Underlined: Writing numbers out in words makes your writing look more formal and respectable. Twenty-six is how you spell the number, though some authors like to use the actual numbers. *shrug* It's up to you. ^_^
| Quote: |
| "Ah! Nice to see you, my old freind. [comma instead]" [insert space here] Kakashi said, getting up on his feet. |
| Quote: |
"Is it good or what?" the voice said, changing to a child's voice with a puff of smoke. When the smoke was gone, there was a beautiful girl in the lady's place. The lady and the girl had the same peircing piercing eyes and the same earing. Naruto finally puzzled it to gether together that the girl had made an possiblke older image of herself. |
Underlined: Do you mean the jewelry? As in earrings? And why is this essential? Eyes and hair are the usual descriptions presented about characters. Not.. earrings.
Italicized: When you complete a puzzle, it's not possibly the picture that is meant to be set. If you set a puzzle of a tiger, it's not possibly a tiger. It is a tiger. If you finally complete a puzzle about another character, it's not possible what it is. It is what the puzzle is completed as. The finally puzzled phrase and possibly do not belong in this sense together.
| Quote: |
| "Very nice work, Satara. You've gotten a lot better at it now. [comma instead] " [insert space here] Kakashi said as Naruto rabbed at the girl. |
Underlined: I'd assume you mean grabbed, but by looking at the next sentence, do you mean gaped? Like Naruto's staring at her, open-mouthed?
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"Stop gapping gaping, Naruto. It's just a little girl. [comma instead]" Sakura said, not even looking at her. |
Underlined: Don't suddenly change the girl's gender to neuter! It should be she's, 'cause the girl's a.. well, a girl. 
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"Excuse me for being the same age as you! I am proble probably amarter smarter than you all put together," the gil girl said a [s]lttile hastily[/s] hastily. |
| Quote: |
"Is that a challange challenge?"Kakashi asked, looking down at her. |
| Quote: |
"Yes, [period instead] As a matter-of-fact, with my new tecneques techniques, I can proble probably out-wit two of you in a second or two since I already have one almost hipnatized hypnotized. [comma instead]" Satara said so calmly that Sasuke sat up, impressed. |
My, isn't Satara a little full of herself? 
Underlined: I think you got your numbers mixed up 'cause this doesn't make sense.
| Quote: |
| "What's the objective?" he asked as calmly as he usually did. |
Underlined: Use a different word 'cause you used calm in the previous sentence: annoying repetition. ^_^
| Quote: |
| "The objective is to get to the school with my lunch first. [comma instead]" [insert space here] Kakashi said in a puff of smoke. Everyone was off running in an instant except Naruto and Satara. |
Underlined: Can anyone talk in a puff of smoke? That makes no sense at all.
| Quote: |
"Hey, cute cutie, get moving!" Satara said as she disappered disappeared. Naruto was struck by the words and couldn't move. Sasuke had run down an ally alley for a short cut shortcut to find smoke infront in front of him as he suddenly stopped. |
Rewrite this last sentence 'cause it's clunky and hard to read. Plus it's not as suspenseful as you want it to be read as. The reader is concentrating so hard on interpreting this sentence that they miss the suspense.
Ally = A friend; Alley = backstreet, passage
| Quote: |
"How'd you know our names?"Sasuke asked as Satara backedhim backed him away from the end of the ally alley. |
So Satara helped him out of the alley? That's what's said here. Why should I care they're in an alley again? Were they in a fight and Satara was helping him out? 
| Quote: |
"I'm an ambu black ops. How do you think I know?" Satara said jokingly. Sasuke didn't say a word. "You are as cute as they sey say you are. Why don't you have fun and be a kid?" she asked, getting close enuff enough to see plenty of Sasuke's black eyes. Sasuke didn't push her away. He didn't do a thing but star stare back into her cat-like eyes. |
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"don't Don't you dare touch my Sasuke!" Sakura yelled, running down the ally alley. |
| Quote: |
"Kikin. [comma instead]" Satara said next, not taking a step away from Sauke. The ground around them started to ingulf engulf there their feet. Sakura's mouth had been almost glued shut. Satara didn't mind the gup inslogging her shoes as they all sunk deeper into the ground. Her eyes never broke contact when she siad. |
Underlined: What?
Italicized: It's either glued or it's not. Haven't you ever used glue in arts and crafts?
Both: What? Goop? Something?
Intense bothness: Eyes didn't break contact with what she...said? That doesn't make sense whatsoever.
| Quote: |
"I see now. [comma instead]" [insert space here] She had been close enuff enough that they could have kissed when she dissapered disappeared in a puff of smoke. |
| Quote: |
Naruto had finally recovered and was starting to run when the puff of smoke apperaed appeared behind him. He stoped stopped and turned around. Satara was there. 'I will not gap gape...I will not gap gape!' his His thoughts were cut into disturbed by Satara's words. |
Put the thought in italics.
| Quote: |
"Are you going to gap gape or fight, Naruto?" Satara said. This time when she blinked, her eyes changed to the sharingon Sharingan. |
I had to look it up to be sure, but yes, that's how you spell Sharingan.
| Quote: |
"Are you a copy ninja?" Naruto assked asked, surprised. |
| Quote: |
"No, but that is a god good name since i I know so many things. [comma instead]" [insert space here] Satara said, getting in a fighting position to fight. Naruto came at her, but with a thouch touch of a finger, he was flat on his back.
[New speaker, new paragraph]
"You remind me of Gekido..." Satara said, dending bending down over him. Naruto quickly took one of his legs and triped tripped her. She fell over Naruto, landing on his stomache stomach. "..When you fought Haku on the bridg. [comma instead]" she finished as she clutched her stomachegetting stomach and got off him.
[New speaker, new paragraph]
"How did you see the fight?" Naruto asked, watching Satara struggle toher to her feet.
[New speaker, new paragraph]
"I watched from far."Satara said as she looked down at a bloody hand. It was bloody from her stomache stomach. |
I'm not gonna lie: This was monstrous. 
Underlined: How did he trip her with his legs? He swung it? Kicked[i] her?
[i]Italicized: This dialogue seems useless to add as well as oddly placed. Just get rid of it. It's not even realistic for someone who was just tripped and fallen to finish such a statement.
Both: Repetition so closely placed is, again, irritating. ^_^
| Quote: |
| "What did I do?!" [insert space here] Naruto said, jumping to his feet, ready to help. |
| Quote: |
"You didn't do anything. I pushed my limit on a resent wond recent wound, [?] and it broke open. [comma instead]" Satara said, sitting down. She took out a little gold box and opened it. A lttle little gold-tarnished book fell out and rolled bown away from her reach. [insert space here] Naruto walked over and picked it up. [insert space here] It fell open in his hand as he looked to see if it was real gold. It wad was insrbed writting writing in ti on it and some of it looked like the writting writing in the scrol scroll he had tooken taken to learn his shatow shadow clone jutsu. |
Underlined: Repetition so close together again.
Italicized: Does a box roll? I think not. It's too square. 
Both: What? Inscribed?
| Quote: |
"What's this?!" Naruto demanded as he skimed hte skimmed the page as he fliped flipped through the book. |
Underlined: There's that as thing again. Rewrite. ^^
| Quote: |
"That is the one of my secret wepons weapons. Now give it back, Naruto!"Satara said, getting up, [no comma] and holding out her free hand. |
It's not a secret anymore, is it?
| Quote: |
"No.[comma instead]" [insert space here] Naruto said, stsrting starting to back up as Satara walked teards towards him. |
| Quote: |
"You give me no choose choice. [comma instead]"she said, holding out her blood bloody hand to from her side. A goldish golden glow was visable visible on her hand as she placed it back on her wound. Something slipped through her fingers and fell to the ground. |
If it's goldish, then it must be bronze or copper or some other color. Gold is gold.
Tags
Watch your tags. You don't need a full stop (period, for instance) until the end of the entire sentence.
"I don't think this is going to work out, Mark," Julia muttered, refusing to look at him.
NOT:
"I don't think this is going to work out, Mark." Julia muttered, refusing to look at him.
Comma! Comma, comma, comma! If it's a question, then it gets a question mark. If it's an exclamation, it gets an exclamation point. If it's an interruption, it gets a dash. If there's no tag at the end, then it gets a period. Otherwise, it's always a comma.
Dialogue
Realism. Dialogue must reflect the character's personality; however, when I read this, I couldn't say what kind of person Kakashi is (And I should! Even if I don't know a lot about Naruto!), I don't know much about any characters; and dialogue reflects that.
Also, every time a new person speaks, they get a new paragraph. You shouldn't have two speakers in one paragraph. You were doing alright with this (which is probably because you had a lot of tiny paragraphs in the beginning) until that one moment where I had to split it up for you.
"I don't think this is going to work out, Mark," Julia muttered, refusing to look at him. The picture of Brandon seemed glued beneath her eyelids as she said these words. She played with the corner of her napkin, blinking away tears that threatened to spill. Mark couldn't believe those words. After tonight -- the movie, the nice restaurant, the kiss -- he would have thought she loved him just as much as he loved her. How could she leave him? After thirteen months, Mark had thought she was the one. "But Julia, I love you." Julia shook her head, wiping a tear that popped out of her eye. "I'm sorry, Mark. Brandon...I don't know. Brandon just --" Mark waved the thought aside, looking away from Julia now. Julia watched him scratch his head -- that scratch he always made when he was nervous. "I tried, Julia. I really did." Julia hiccuped and gave up -- she cried. Mark walked away without another word, unsure of what to do himself.
NO! This instead:
"I don't think this is going to work out, Mark," Julia muttered, refusing to look at him. The picture of Brandon seemed glued beneath her eyelids as she said these words. She played with the corner of her napkin, blinking away tears that threatened to spill.
Mark couldn't believe those words. After tonight -- the movie, the nice restaurant, the kiss -- he would have thought she loved him just as much as he loved her. How could she leave him? After thirteen months, Mark had thought she was the one.
"But, Julia, I love you."
Julia shook her head, wiping a tear that popped out of her eye. "I'm sorry, Mark. Brandon...I don't know. Brandon just --"
Mark waved the thought aside, looking away from Julia now. Julia watched him scratch his head -- that scratch he always made when he was nervous.
"I tried, Julia. I really did."
Julia hiccuped and gave up -- she cried. Mark walked away without another word, unsure of what to do himself.
New speaker/idea, new paragraph.
Pace
You shot like a bullet in the war. I couldn't keep up; you were just going too fast. I couldn't picture anything, I couldn't straighten out the characters, I couldn't do anything 'cause I was trying so hard to comprehend everything that was said already. Slow down! Description will help a lot with this.
Plot
I...don't know what it is. In fact, I don't know what just happened. I remember Kakashi was "lecturing" three kiddos, and then some lady appeared. Then some random challenge (which I thought was some humorous, childish, sarcastic deal) sparked...something. I didn't even know what. Where'd they all go? Something about school...None of them held lunches. Wasn't that the challenge? To deliver the lunch first? And then that random lady drops a...book.
Straighten this out. Organization is the key to a successful story. You can't just write it out and hope it's good. You gotta write it, edit it, re-edit, re-re-edit, etc. until it's finally as good as you can get it. Others (such as us on YWS) can help catch things as well during that editing process. Just organize things better. It will make sense to the reader, and the writing will be easier for you.
Characters
I mentioned this earlier. I don't know who's who. What kind of person is Kakashi? Is he a strict instructor? Or is he easy-going, pretty cool, and likable teacher? Who's Naruto? I mean, he's the MC! I should know him, right? At least, the anime/manga was named after him. At least show me him. And Sasuke could be shown more -- is he just a loner, wants to be alone? Maybe he's shy, maybe he doesn't care...Satara is the strange lady. Give me a lot more of her.
Remember my Mark and Julia dilemma? Remember how I slipped in a piece of characterization about his nervousness? He scratches his head and looks away. Let's learn a bit more about Mark:
"Mark?"
He grunted, refusing to turn around and look at Julia. He sat in the bench, stretching his legs out, his arms folded across his chest. His eyes were piercing as he glared at the lake in front of him.
Julia helped herself to the spot next to Mark. The silence between them grew intensely until Julia couldn't handle it anymore.
"Mark, I'm really sorry. I truly am."
"I understand," he muttered. He turned his head to his side, giving Julia the cold shoulder.
"No you don't, Mark --"
"--And why don't I?" Mark interrupted, his voice soft but tense. "I love you, Julia. I thought I made you happy. You always seemed to enjoy being with me. Never once did I think you liked someone else."
He looked at her, his eyes now red -- he must have been crying, and that only hurt Julia even more. She looked to the ground, flushing.
"Brandon must be the right one for you, though," Mark continued slowly. "He's definitely more...energetic than I am -- the athlete. You deserve someone as agile and fun as him. You'll have fun going to all the basketball games with him. You used to play it, even. I could never beat a sports star."
"Mark, it's not about basketball," Julia said quickly before Mark could continue his quiet rant. She re-situated herself to face him.
"Then what is it about?" Mark said coldly. Julia didn't respond, studying her red-painted toenails. Mark stood up. "I gotta go," he mumbled. "It was fun."
He was gone.
Let's analyze. We already know about Brandon: he's an athlete. We can assume he's a basketball star 'cause Mark keeps mentioning basketball. He's energetic too -- Mark could never beat an athlete. Mark must not be an athlete. We don't know for sure if he's a band geek, an artist, a science nerd, but we do know he's no where near as close to Brandon. Julia's torn. She's going for an athlete, though we don't know why yet either. She once loved whoever Mark was, but we do know Mark gets nervous easily, and he obviously talks a lot when he's nervous. He had a little rant to give to Julia. Hmm..
Look at all that information we got from that blurb. Try to tie information into your story so that reader learns about the characters without even knowing they are attached to them. This is kind of the show don't tell concept you hear around these parts.
Description
Description. Plain and simple. Describe their surroundings, the characters' postures, movements, appearances, nervous habits, etc. Mark and Julia were described decently enough for my purposes. We know nervous habits, we know how they talk to each other in awkward situations, we know how Mark works to keep what he loves and to make others happy, etc. This will help your characters, help your plot, etc. Description is important, especially if the dialogue can't hold the story as well.
Grammar and Spelling
Alright. Where's the spellcheck? I couldn't get much out of this story 'cause I was too busy deciphering what you wrote. At first I thought they were simple mistakes, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Do you use Microsoft Word? If not, do you edit? Is there another means of spellcheck? I mean, I can catch spelling errors. I have my own spellcheck to do that for me too (Firefox is doing that for me as I type), but keep in mind we're not always around.
This is where editing comes in. After you write, go through it and check your spelling at least. Grammar (punctuation, sentence structure, etc.) gets a little more challenging, but spelling is important when it comes to writing. Let's reread the work and fix those. It will make comprehension so much easier.
Not that the rules are in any specific order, but the first rule here in Nate's lovely Rules - MUST READ post says to make sure grammar (and spelling) is up to standard. FYI.
Overall
It needs some work. I'd be happy to help you improve, though, if you need anything! I'm always around. Contact me through PM or find me in the chat -- I'm here. And I'm always happy to help. I'll never back down from a help request.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! I'm here for the cookies! Oh...a Naruto fanfic? Sure, why not?
I'll crit as I read:
| Quote: |
| Kakashi was lecruting Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke. They weren't listening. |
I'm sure you meant "lecturing."
| Quote: |
| "Bla, Bla, Bla..." was all they could hear as they relaxed on the grass as Kakashi talked away. |
Okay, so I understand the idea you're trying to convey by this sentence, but I think you should do it more descriptively. Give us more of the thoughts of Squad 7 as Kakashi-kun is lecturing them...maybe add in their thoughts on what they were thinking of as he was talking. Like details of the last mission or current events going on in Konoha. You just missed the perfect opportunity to set up the timeline of where the story is!! And then add description about the setting.
| Quote: |
| Naruto sat up in one of his odd maners. The lady Naruto saw looked like she was 26 and she was very intimidating. |
I'm not sure..but I think you're looking for "manners" not "maners." And remember the saying "Show us, don't tell us"? Well that exactly what you need to do here. Show us that she's twenty-six (not 26)...show us that she's intimidating! This way it's just bland...and boring...
| Quote: |
| "Ah! Nice to see you my old freind."Kakashi said getting up on his feet. |
It should be, "Nice to see you, my old friend," Kakashi said...
| Quote: |
| "Is it good or what?" the voice said, changing to a child's voice with a puff of smoke. When the smoke was gone, there was a beautiful girl in the lady's place. The lady and the girl had the same peircing eyes and the same earring. Naruto finally puzzled it together that the girl had made a possible older image of herself. |
All the bolded are corrections.
| Quote: |
| "Very nice work, Satara. You've gotten a lot better at it now,"Kakashi said, as Naruto rabbed at the girl. |
And shouldn't "rabbed" be..."gaped"?
| Quote: |
| "Stop gapping, Naruto. It's just a little girl," Sakura said without even looking at her. |
By looking at the next sentence, if she's the same age as them...why would Sakura say that it's a little girl? And I think you should start using a different word other than "said" right about now...
| Quote: |
"Excuse me for being the same age as you! I am probably smarter than you all put together" the girl said a little hastily. |
I don't exactly think you need the "little" part. It seems like she just snapped back at them.
| Quote: |
| "Is that a challenge?"Kakashi asked looking down at her. |
Kakashi shouldn't be saying this! By what it looks like, Kakashi is kind of like her teacher (I got that by the line on how Kakashi said that she was better at the transformation). Naruto would definitely be the one saying this line!
...Okay, at this point you have so many typos, I'm not going to point all of them out. And remember to put a comma then quotation marks before "said..."
| Quote: |
| I'm an ambu black ops |
I hope this is joke....and it's "ANBU Black Ops."
What's this supposed to mean??
| Quote: |
| 'I will not gap...I will not gap!' |
These thoughts need to be italicized...and it's spelled "gape"..with an "e."
| Quote: |
| "Are you a copy ninja?" Naruto assked surprised. |
At this point, since now I'm assuming he's seen Kakashi's and maybe Sasuke's Sharingan...he would ask if she had the Sharingan. But then, if this takes place after the Chuunin Exams, he wouldn't say this line at all because he knows that the whole clan was killed.
| Quote: |
| "You remind me of Gekido... |
I've read all of Naruto...what's Gekido...and how does it connect to the fight with Haku on the bridge?
_______________________________________________________________________
Okay, I don't have enough time right now, but really I would go over this line by line. And whatever Jabbs said..follow it!! You have a gazillion typos you need to fix before you post. It just gets annoying when the whole thing is filled with typos.
Now, the story: I think that the motives are a little off...meaning that there are none. This girl randomly appears and they randomly chase after Kakashi...and it's just really random with no back bone (or back story)!! You need to explain where they are, what they were doing (so we can get the timeline set up), and give us more of the thoughts and feelings of the characters. You do an okay job of Naruto...but you don't quite have the personalities of the rest of Squad 7. And at this point...I don't really care about the "Satara" character. Give us more clues of her past and her job and just things about her. You did a good job of personalizing you--I got her personality pretty well. Just add in more explanation and motives for the characters.
Keep on writing (and fix the typos)!
~Timea
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