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By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 11
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 11

by KJ in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on May 26, 2008
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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 12:46 am    Post subject: A Shiny Reddish Colour (Edited 6/3) Reply with quote

A Shiny Reddish Colour

Jessica Bruce

“After having Stayed in this position some short time we proceeded and by the time we were Clear of the Wood all the fireing and the Indians and Roialists [Loyalists] were bringing in the Wounded & prisoners. When we had got on the Clear land Called Gages Heights* we for the first time got Sight of the fort. On their Seeing us very thick on the Hill they fired three Shot from a Six pounder which was in the fort at us, without any effect. Near this place was a Small hollow sufficiently large to cover our party from the fire of the fort, in which we formed, and from thence the Major sent a flag of truce to Summons the fort.” – Octor 10 1779; Lt. John Enys, British Soldier

~~~~

During this moment the flag was at the fort, we saw some men that lead in a wounded person. I supposed it was an Indian being the top of his head was so red and shiny. Upon a closer approach, the man was a Rebel, recently scalped. By the top of his head, I dare say I took immediate notice to the thin layer of black hair that clung to the flesh, which the wound was about six inches wide. It slipped a bit off the side but it was turned over. The underside delivered more fresh blood secreting and other unpleasureable views of damaged veins that seemed to still pulse. I wished to not see his scalp any longer, so I merely nodded, but cast my attention to the prisoner’s clothing. He wore tattered, dark blue rags that barely stayed on the frame of his sagging shoulders. This I guessed was the remains of his uniform. His cotton shirt laid in strips down the man’s chest, which presented a most disagreeable display of mud and bones of the human ribs.

“I believe I should recognize him, Lieutenant Enys,” a Corporal said, then proceeded to force the prisoner’s head upright with the hilt of his sword.

“Oh?” I asked curiously and cocked my right eyebrow.

“You do not know him?” the same man of our regiment asked.

Before I was able to respond, a sharp groan escaped from the prisoner. We – a Corporal, Private and myself of our regiment – all looked. The other two soldiers stared, and I must further comment, their staring is rather crude in nature for one that hardly appeared alive.

“I do not know,” I said after a few moments.

A slender man stepped up close to me. “I recollect, Sir. He was a deserter from our regiment and from your party. He once served with the Artillery in ’76,’” the Private said.

The hilt found still under the chin that arched the prisoner’s neck back, I approached closer and asked firmly, “These accusations are true?”

The prisoner at first coughed rather violently, which I clearly saw bits of blood settled on his teeth and then he shuddered. Perhaps, he might have been choking on his own blood due to the coughing fit but it not certain. His tongue, however, wallowed and twisted about inside. I believe he was attempting to speak but words were a great source of difficulty. Silence might have been this one’s solution when faced with malignant peril but his strength in keeping himself upright with each arm supported over the necks of two different soldiers; it should also be recognized of remarkable resilience.

“Corporal, rest your sword. Let us see if he can speak without further discomfort,” I commanded.

Obliged to agree, the Corporal sheathed his sword but from the corner of my eye, his left hand remained on the hilt, ever ready if he must put it to use.

The head of the prisoner slumped. I encircled him and bore witness to his arm hiding behind but it jutted outwards in an unusual angle, I presume by a shot. I took also to notice, there were three very deep wounds at the back of his head, possibly resulted from a tomahawk. Blood leaked freely from these wounds too. I came to the front

again, and so violent of a concussion he has also received, surely never poor a fellow suffered more than this one did.

Not expecting any sort of a satisfactory response, I asked but once more in a less commanding tone to the prisoner since if he once had been part of the Twenty-Ninth and a soldier of our regiment, the very least he deserved were not raised voices. “Two men remember your company. Do you know it?”

His chest rose underneath the rags of clothing but exhaling proved to be the near end. He shook so hard, I supposed the men who were supporting him were taken aback by the sudden outburst and which they let go. The prisoner upon the earth just laid there, silent as a lamb but now his eyes had shut. His breathing appeared laboured, as in every breath he tried to take in, choking and gasping sounds were the result.

“Bring him to his feet,” I commanded softly.

The prisoner foremost screamed and yelped when the other two men from a different Regiment lifted him quickly to a standing position.

“I must ask but are the accusations brought forth against you, are they truthful?” I asked promptly.

“Aye,” the prisoner muttered to the earth feebly.

“You have abandoned your comrades and country?” I pressed.

“Aye,” he said with little delay.

“You do realize the penalty for desertion?”

He flinched and spitted blood. “Aye, Sir. I res… da… Pa –leeze. I…” I watched the whites roll up, then fall below inside the prisoner’s eyelids. His lips twitched but then parched into an, ‘O,’ than again, they twitched some more.

“Are you trying to speak?” I asked the obvious question but if it is true, it should be inquired.

The prisoner grunted in response but then his voice attempted to address us with much effort. “I…” He convulsed for a bit of time whilst we waited for the fit to cease. “I res – pect… full – eee…Da, da, do.”

I clasped his shoulder, glanced straight into his eyes and held contact for a few minutes. When satisfied, I motioned for the other men to lead him away to another ship until the Twenty-Ninth shall return to ours. The prisoner yelped as he was dragged away but due to his credit, he did not put up a fuss in the way of painful outbursts, nor attempted to flee. I watched the nobility of one soldier who traded his life for a less becoming offer, and his sacrifice was pure.

____

Word has just reached my ears that notwithstanding all which he lived for some days afterwards, that particular prisoner died on board of one of the ships on Lake Champlain, after our party had barely returned to ours today.

*Gages Heights according to Enys, might have been “Fort Gage,” south of Fort George.

Source: “The American Journals of Lt. John Enys.”

My Own, Warped Imagination.


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Last edited by Samuel Garrison on Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:46 pm; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“After having Stayed in this position some short time we proceeded and by the time we were Clear of the Wood all the fireing and the Indians and Roialists were bringing in the Wounded & prisoners. When we had got on the Clear land Called Gages Heights* we for the first time got Sight of the fort. On their Seeing us very thick on the Hill they fired three Shot from a Six pounder which was in the fort at us, without any effect. Near this place was a Small hollow sufficiently large to cover our party from the fire of the fort, in which we formed, and from thence the Major sent a flag of truce to Summons the fort.” – Octor 10 1779; Lt. John Enys, British Soldier


Any reason that there are random capitalized letters? It's a bit awkward. Unless the writer spelled the words wrong, I would fix them. There are a few. But keep it if they are meant to be like that.
Quote:

During this moment the flag was at the fort, we saw some men leading in a wounded person.


Um, how about, "During this moment, the flag was at the fort and we saw some men leading in a wounded person." But even then the last part about the wounded person is awkward. How about changing leading to carrying?
Quote:

I supposed it was an Indian, being the top of his head is was so red and shiny.


You switched tenses on us!

Quote:
Wishing to not see his scalp and the pain he must be suffering, I merely noded.


Keep in the same tense, Sam. XD

Quote:
“I believe I should recognize him,” one of our men said, then proceed to force the prisoners head upright with the pommel of his sword.
“Oh?” I ask curiously, cocking my right eyebrow.
“You do not know him?” the same man of our regiment asks.
“I do not know,” I say.


Uh... you switch tenses on us. Dude, I'm not gonna point anymore out. It shouldn't be that hard to find, either. Just go through it. There is a lot of them, too.

Quote:
He once served with the Artillery in '76.”


Add that little apostrophe.

STAY IN THE SAME TENSE (please, with a cherry on top?)

This is my main concern with this piece. It was pretty good, descriptive and ok. It wasn't anything brilliant, and a little bit dreary. Not to be rude or anything, but it wasn't very captivating. But then again, most historical fiction is to me. I'm not trying to be rude or anything. It's just my personal preference. As for your writing, it is pretty solid. I noticed a couple run-on sentences. So, I would print this out and mark, mark, mark with a red pencil. Mark it til the red point breaks off. Just keep at it, because this can become a very good piece of work.

Smile Cya around, Sam.

:Sythe:

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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Sythe!

Yeah, tenses are a major issue for me. I have a hard time with them because mostly I don't realize I accidently switched. Wink

As for the part in italics, that quote is the original from Enys's letters. People in colonial America; the majority were illiterate and those who learned how to write, they seemed to think to show emphasis one something was by capitlizing certain words much less spell them how they sounded. Thus, there are a lot of mispelled words. Wink

I haven't decided as this is only the first draft to whether I want to add gore or play on the mind by adding just enough description where my point comes across visually. I've kind of steered to the latter as you might noticed since there isn't much gore used for description.

By the way, there really was a prisoner with these wounds he had substained. No fiction involved. Wink

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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 8:14 pm    Post subject: Re: A Shiny Reddish Colour Reply with quote

Yeah, keep it all in the past tense, that works with what Enys is saying. I think you should add more gore, because I don't think soldiers of the time would shy away from such violence. I think it's a fantastic idea to try and capture the voice, but you're right, it's not down quite yet.

What I see in that type of writing (aside from the caps and the misspellings) is a tendency to write in list form. Description is kept at a minimum, and even when description is included, it's usually tacked on to some assessment, (the soldier was gravely wounded which indicates X, Y, and Z) the writer tends to view their subject as a grocery list of actions. This happened, then this happened, then this happened, and the end result was this, ect.)

I've divided the entry into a grocery list, action by action. There's very little time for thinking, one concrete physical action leads to another concrete physical action. Almost all the description in the entire thing is military. Only sentence #8 is unusual.
Quote:

#1: After having Stayed in this position some short time
#2: we proceeded
#3: and by the time we were Clear of the Wood all the fireing
#4: and the Indians and Roialists were bringing in the Wounded & prisoners.
#5: When we had got on the Clear land Called Gages Heights*
#6: we for the first time got Sight of the fort.
#7: On their Seeing us very thick on the Hill they fired three Shot from a Six pounder which was in the fort at us, without any effect
#8: Near this place was a Small hollow sufficiently large to cover our party from the fire of the fort,
#9: in which we formed
#10:, and from thence the Major sent a flag of truce to Summons the fort.”


Let me give it a shot:
Following the dismissal of School, I sat in front of my computer to put into words my feelings about the Story. In reading the piece I was struck by the change of the tenses, and the Difficulty of writing in a different voice. My Words attempted to convey my feelings thus. Upon tieping the last of my Words, I proceeded to Click upon the send button, by which I intended to send the Message into the public domain. This being completed, I relaxed. -May 27 2008; Sgt. Maj. or the Army Bartholomew Cubbins

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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2008 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey again guys. Apologies for the silence. I'm working on the editing but I'm not quite ready to post the revisions yet, hence the tense mistakes are still there.

I've noticed that the quote in parenthesises [italics] that was taken from Enys's real journal seems to have confused people. I'd just like to say, I didn't write it so I have no say how it was written except like the majority of the people of the 1700s, they were completely or mildly illiterate. Enys's style all throughout the book to where I've left off on page 101, that's the way he speaks - like the grocery list, haha. Nice metaphor, Smorg.

I suppose more gore is needed to at least reflect upon the title.

I think this story was more of a small exercise in preparation for something larger if I should pursue it. And I'll try and work on the voice more.

Sythe - Before I forget, what in examples was not "captiviating?" If you could give me even a few examples that would help the editing proccess. Thanks.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 4:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, Fart, dear! Very Happy

Let's see...

Ew, you're description of the scalped guy was fantastic. I definitely had a clear visual, and it really disgusted me, lol. Good job with that! Going on with the scalping description stuff, we've pointed out together that it doesn't state why the guy's coughing. Scalping affects the top of the head, not the inside of your mouth? I don't understand the blood, but the coughing I assumed was yelling himself hoarse from the pain; however, if he wasn't yelling, I dunno why he's coughing. xD

Right away in the beginning, I notice your tenses are changing again. XD As sick as you are of hearing it, it's true! Not much else to say on that matter, as it's pretty much self-explanatory. ^^

I really liked the last paragraph of this. I always liked them in stories I've read -- They always give me those cool goosebumps! -- and you did an excellent job with that style! It was so cool! Lol.

I know I didn't help much, but this was really good. I visualized it very well. I had no problems with the characters. The MC made me happy; he's such a reasonable guy. ^_^ Sounds like you're going to go back and check grammar, so no need to pound you down on that.

Keep writing, then! ^^

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gorgeous!!! I'm left with no nitpicks...but I don't need to nitpick your work, anyway! I find it much better than my own, your knowledge of this particular time in the past far surpassing my own!!!

I enjoyed reading this completely! It isn't a powerful work unless I can feel the/a character's pain myself--your work is truly powerful in that sense, and many other senses...which my injured hand is too pained to type. But you know I'd exalt you more if only my hand didn't hurt so badly!!!

Poor man... -shakes head- The penalty for desertion was death in such times, was it not? I can't imagine leniency... I like the sweetness of Lt. Enys. I appreciated how he stayed constant with that--his temper didn't flair one bit.

Now, this actually took place in one point in time during the Revolution, yes? Just with some imagined bits and pieces thrown in, I understand? Either way, I loved it!!!

-x-Ashes
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Poor man... -shakes head- The penalty for desertion was death in such times, was it not? I can't imagine leniency... I like the sweetness of Lt. Enys. I appreciated how he stayed constant with that--his temper didn't flair one bit.
Poor man indeed. Enys must of had some sort of sympathy towards this particular prisoner for him to include it in his journal.

Death or put on board a prison ship. For the British, their most famous prison ship was the HMS The Jersey and for the Americans, Newgate Prison. Newgate was in CT and The Jersey in New York, what would have been modern-day New York City. Both prisons had such deplorable living conditions, I'd personally would have begged for a quicker death had I been in their shoes. Read up on them and you may see why I would ask for such a thing.

The other popular method, and one for desertion was a soldier would have been stripped of his Regimental (Believe it or not, to have your uniform taken, it was exceedingly embarassing, very shameful). Then when he was blindfolded because after all, this war was still known as the "Gentleman's War," a the man to be executed by his own fellow comrades was an extra kick and I'd imagine very frightning because the soldier knew his men. A firing squad was the usual method but hanging wasn't outdated either. Either or would have been used depending how severe the crime was.

Quote:
Now, this actually took place in one point in time during the Revolution, yes? Just with some imagined bits and pieces thrown in, I understand?


Yup. Wink The setting was in the year of 1779. A month prior, Sept., Enys was promoted to the rank of Lt. and he served much of his service in Canada. He lost an Uncle and Sister in the time of the American Revolution. Actually, this story is dangerously close to being almost Non-Fiction but because I do not how how Enys interpated the prisoner's injuries so matter of factually, that's where my interpatations came into play. The injuries spoken in this piece - all true. The prisoner convicted of desertion - true. Enys feeling somewhat remorse - true. The very ending - true. The Twenty-Ninth being stationed in Canada - true. Wink Even the, "surely never poor a fellow suffered more than this one did," was actual speech from Enys as well as when the prisoner was first brought to him in the beginning of the story, Enys really did think it was an injured Indian then realized it was a Rebel.

I clung to the facts rigidly but had to add in details to finalize what might have happened had we both been witnesses during 1779.

*

Thank you kindly for the gushing. Smile I'm glad you enjoyed it because it's my first story on the British Army. The more I'm learning about John Enys the more I'm liking his personality. He has a quirky sense of humor to match, which is always nice. I almost died laughing when he insulted a really fat women riding with him in a carriage becuase it broke from her huge *BEEP* ! Enys ranks up there with Gage, Howe, George III and Burgoyne as my favorites on the British side.

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