Topic ID: 30667
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Rebirth
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 Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: From A Gaze |
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I'm still a newbie when it comes to guitar playing and song writing. This was my first attempt at composing songs. I wrote this song for my date when I asked her to go to the prom with me. Anyway please critic it and I will appreciate any constructive criticisms as long as, well they're constructive.
From A Gaze
Intro:
G-C
Oooh…hooo…hooo…
Verse 1:
D
Looking afar
Watching you walk
Sweeping me off my feet
D9
From miles away
A-A7
Hiding out of sight
Humming a tune
Singing a song
Bm
Created out of you
Refrain:
Em
Wishing for you to see (pause)
Em
Hoping for you to hear (pause)
Em
This song…
Chorus:
G C
From a gaze, with just a glance
Dsus Dsus (*broken chord* bring G string to D and one fret higher)
My knees have gone on shaking
G C
With your smile, I’m mesmerized
Dsus Dsus (*broken chord*)
But I’ll still keep on singing
G-C (3x)
For you…
Instrumental: (3x)
G-C-Dsus- Dsus (broken chord)
Verse 2:
D
Writing a line
Thinking a rhyme
On how to describe
D9
The smile on your face
A-A7
You're sitting beside
A group of five
Laughing with them
Bm
I don’t know what to do
Refrain:
Em
Wishing for you to see (pause)
Em
Hoping for you to hear (pause)
Em
This song…
Chorus:
G C
From a gaze, with just a glance
Dsus Dsus (*broken chord* bring G string to D and one fret higher)
My knees have gone on shaking
G C
With your smile, I’m mesmerized
Dsus Dsus (*broken chord*)
But I’ll still keep on singing
G-C (3x)
For you… |
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Last edited by Rebirth on Mon May 26, 2008 7:05 am; edited 1 time in total |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 6:49 am Post subject: |
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It's kind of funny. Before I left this morning I was lloking at this and decided to critique it once I got home. Well, here you go. And I don't play the guitar so I'm ignoring the notes at the top (just so you know, it could affect the tune I give it)
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Looking afar
Watching you walk
Sweeping me off my feet |
I like the first two lines, but the last one doesn't really seem to fit with the tune I'm using.
You either mean, Frome a mile away, or, From miles away
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I’m hiding in sight
Humming a tune
Singing a song |
I like this. The thing I'd comment on is, Humming a tune and Singing a song are connected, but I don't see any connecting with hiding in sight, and that line confused me a bit. I'd change it.
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Writing a line
Thinking a rhyme
On how to describe |
Very, very nice. Nothing to comment on here. Very good job.
| Quote: |
You're sitting beside
A group of five
Laughing with them |
The first two lines go, but the thid doesn't fit in. Also, a group of five? That's a bit... odd. Did you choose it for the rhyme?
Overall, I liked it. Seeing as you have the chords here, I'd like it if you were able to record you playing it so I can hear the tune, but that is difficult. There were a few things I commented on, but the rest I really liked.
Good job! |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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Sapphire
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350 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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I am very bad at the guitar so unfortunately can't try it out with the chords but the lyrics are great.
The refrain and chorus are good but perhaps the second time you sing the chorus you could add an extra few lines into it? Like how some songs have two sections to the chorus and the first time they sing it, they only sing half, then the rest of the song, they sing the whole chorus.
The first part of the second verse was probably my favourite section. 'Thinking of a rhyme' is more like what people would say but the fact that you couldn't fit in 'of' doesn't detract from it too much. Although like chocoholic said, the second part of the verse isn't quite as strong.
I liked this imagery:
'Sweeping me off my feet/From miles away'
'Hiding out of sight'
'Singing a song/Created out of you' |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 9:28 am Post subject: |
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First of all, I think it's great that you've got the music, too! This is the first song with music I've read here. Though I have to say that the chords made this harder to read, but I can't really complain, can I?
| Quote: |
D
Writing a line
Thinking a rhyme
On how to describe
D9
The smile on your face |
I liked this bit, although I think the last line don't rhyme with the others.
I don't really find anything to criticize, so it seems you did a pretty good job, congratulations! See you around.
Demeter xx |
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