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Poetry Fight
Poetry Fight

by Kaylyn in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 24, 2008
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Sunset

Topic ID: 30634
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SASSYLADY333   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 6:56 pm    Post subject: Sunset Reply with quote

I hop off my bike exhausted from the bike ride to Betty’s Diner. As soon as I open the door it jingles, and my brothers are already greeting me. Some of them with their wives, and everyone in a good mood. I think they were just excited for the Labor day weekend because it was another excuse for them to drink.

I smile , coming in to sit with them, my eyes quickly finding Jacob’s. I smile at him, but he looks away eating his lunch. And what a big lunch they had, sitting with three round tables, taking up most of the room in the restaurant. Paul had five double stuffed subway sandwiches in front of him. With the delicate side of six hamburgers and two lonely hot dogs. As well as two big towering glasses of coke.

After looking at him, I avoided my eyes from everyone else's plates.

“How are you Babe?” Seth asks as he takes a gulp of his drink.

“ I’m okay.”

“ Where have you been lately? Beginning to think Jake ate you alive…” Quil says

chucking.

“ Just at home and going to school, as usual. I can’t have

a wild life like you do.” I tease.

“ And that’s a surprise?” Quil teases back.

We settle into normal conversation, the only thing I obtain is some water. As I quietly look at Jacob and he looks at me. I can tell when he looks away that he doesn’t want to look at me, but he seems to peer back after a minute anyway.

After a while he stands up, and walks out the door. Not even giving his friends a proper good bye.

I felt glued to him at that moment, or maybe like the other end of a rubber band. Because I stood up and followed him out the door. He didn’t have his motorbike with him, instead he started to walk down the road. Not at all bothered that it was a five mile walk to his house.

“ Jacob!” I call after him, having to jog along with his giant swift steps.

He turns around, slightly surprised to see me. He just nods my way, and continues to walk. I’m not sure if I should have turned around and gone back to the diner at that moment.

But I just walk beside him, and he doesn’t seem to mind. Either that or he could careless, sense he seemed so distracted.

“ You going home?” I ask.

It takes him a minute to answer as he turns heading down a trail into the forest.

“ Just want to clear my head.” He glances back at me as I try to follow, “Feel free to come along , since your already following me.”

I grimace, “Hmm…how sweet of you Ja--”

At that moment I stumbled on a rock. Not surprising since we were mostly going down into the forest. And while I could do well walking on horizontal ground, going down hill made it difficult for me. Not that Jacob noticed as he walked down the path effortlessly, seeming oblivious to my extra efforts to keep up with him.

Finally I sucked it up and sprinted down hill managing to get directly behind him. What seemed like an innocent walk to him, was more of an extreme work out for me.

Then suddenly I hit my head on what I first thought was a rock, but when I looked up I realized it was Jacob’s elbow. I was in shock after the impact as he turned to stare down at me.

“ Well, you could slow down a little, I’m practically sprinting after you.” I point out.

He looked annoyed, “ Well, if it would make you feel better…” He held out his arm for me to grab on to, and we continued down, finally making it on to a horizontal trail. “Better?”

I smiled at him, “ Yes.”

He looks away, heading deeper into the forest, as I grasped on tightly to his arm. Even though it was limited contact, I swam in it like a frog in its favorite pond.

Jacob’s arm was large and muscular, and it was warm like a heater. I don’t even think he noticed how cold my hands were on his arm, my hands were always cold no matter what I did.

We walked in silence, Jacob started to slow down. At first I thought my gasping was getting to him, and he was sympathetic enough to slow down for me. Instead he stopped , taking me by surprise, nearly making me fall. But he caught me, steadying me on my feet.

“ Man you remind me of…” He began but then he stopped himself, and I looked up at him curiously. “ Never mind, just give me some quiet will you.”

He sat down on an log, that looked newly obscured into the ground. Other wise I’m sure it would have busted with his weight on it. I looked away from his thoughtful face , and sat on the ground next to a puddle.

It looked more like a pond with, moths , leaves, and bugs playing in it. My stomach filled with pump energy thinking if tadpoles were in there. Frogs set their eggs in puddles like this one, and until the tadpoles could walk they stayed in the pond. Sometimes the pond could dry up, and the eggs could die.

I looked around me, thinking how odd it was to constantly be in a rainfall. I kept my eyes away from the pond trying not to think of the tadpoles eating each other.

Suddenly I was paranoid, and I started to slap my legs and arms. Thinking of those damn tadpoles eating the younger ones. Those little monsters…

I turned to look at Jacob, and he looked down at me.

“ What are you thinking about… hitting yourself?”

My face burned with embarrassment, as I looked back at the pond. “Nothing just thinking about those frogs--” I froze, something was swimming in the water, even through the rain drops I could make it out. Slippery and black it climbed out the water making its way over to me. “ Ahhh!”

I got up fast, jumping behind Jacob’s log, as he watched in surprise. I looked at his shaking back. At first I thought he was crying, but then he throw his head back I saw his wide grin and he started laughing hysterically.

“Hey! Don ‘t laugh at me!” I say getting up and sitting beside him on the log, seeing the frog jump into the forest behind us.

Jacob was practically howling with amusement, until he settled down looking at me. “ Your definitely a weirdo.”

“ I’m a weirdo? I’m not laughing like a wolf am I?” I say looking away from him.

He went silent after that, “ What did you say?”

I look down at me feet, “ You laugh like some kind of crazy psychotic wolf.” And I loved it, but I was only so willing to admit it.

He was quiet for a moment, before he broke out in another fit of laughter. I beamed at him, realizing it was the first time since I meet him that he showed any signs of happiness.

“You really are something else Babe.”

Shortly after that we headed back up the trail, Jacob making extra efforts to help me along. He walked me back to the diner, both of us not checking to see if the others were still inside.

“Bye Jacob, thanks for letting me tag along.” I say, but he already walked away half way down the road.

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day tripper   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, I'm about to head out the door for a lacrosse game,
but I made sure I had time to read this.

It was good but confusing at the same time.
I thought she fell? If she fell on the path then
wouldn't he at least make sure she was okay?

Another thing was you should point out that it's
raining in the begining, to make the setting
more clear.

That's all I have to write right now, but I'll be back
later to work on it some more.

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Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
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Bittersweet   View This User's Portfolio
R.I.P. Holly 1995-2008 (aka, I won NaNo).
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PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's pretty good--you definitely captured each of the characters' personalities well.

The thing that bugs me is when is this happening? Why has Jacob been unhappy for so long? Where is Edward? You need to explain these things. I mean, had I not read Twilight before, it wouldn't have bothered me, but because I am, I feel kind of... I don't know... deprived of knowledge in this piece. Has Bella ditched Edward for Jacob? What's Bella's feelings toward this decision? You know what I mean?

Anyway, It's a good fanfiction piece. Just make it a little more clear.

Holly

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SASSYLADY333   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoops! I might have mentioned this is an expert from my fan-fiction.[ Roughly a hundred pages long, but going under some major revisions] Which is acutally pretty long, I mean you don't know about Bella and the Cullens till later on. Which makes sense seeing as how this is from Baby's point of view.


I'll provide some background though. Baby and her mother have just moved to a house right outside of La Plush. And she meets the werewolves and befriends them at a bon fire on the beach, where Jacob imprints on her.


She doesn't know about him or Bella, or even that he is a werewolf. Sorry about that Bittersweet.

Smile!


Oh and Day Tripper I thank you for that! I always want to make sure everyting makes sense.

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"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. Smile
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SASSYLADY333   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just so you know, story from the beginning up in Fan Fiction. If anyone is interested lol

_________________
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. Smile
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, this is really good again! You've got a couple minor problems with grammar and punctuation, but nothing too confusing or unfixable. It's mostly your storyline and characters that have got me hooked. I really (dont' tell anyone) like your resolution with Jacob better than I liked the one in Breaking Dawn. Yours is much more romantic and exciting - and fun! Baby really sort of does remind me of Bella, only Baby's cooler and a little more weird.

One quick thing - I don't really think wolves laugh. That's hyenas. Wolves have this thing where they... well... for lack of a better word, they talk. It's sort of like howling, only much more low key. They also whine a lot, but very rarely bark. They don't really have a laugh. Just a thought.

Cheers!

~TheKoolOne Cool

P.S. Post the next one pronto, love. And PM me about it too! I love this story, want to see it to the conclusion. Please tell me you're letting Baby and Jake have a love scene or two! I go gooey over love scenes. Er... *hem* enough gushing. Bye. Wink

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have a good beginning…but nothing really happened that was really significant. It was just them going to the restaurant and then they went for walk. The End. I would have LOVED to read more because I find your characters amusing Wink You have to remember that each chapter is something that moves the plot along. You can’t have one that is useless to the overall story or it won’t work, you know?

Now, I do have a question. Is your MC a boy or a girl? I’m sorry to ask this but I kind of got the vibe of a boy….kind of. But then the frog thing happened and I thought of a girl. Plus, the name is Babe so I’m pretty sure it is a girl, but I’m just checking Wink

Well, keep working at this and it will slowly improve!

Good luck!

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This thread was created on May 24, 2008

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