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Beginning of a story...
Beginning of a story...

by cocoboy in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on May 23, 2008
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Related Items
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When the World Stops Spinning: Prologue
When the World Stops Spinning: Prologue
When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 1
When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 2
When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 3
When the World Stops Spinning: Chapter 4
When the World Stops Spinning Chapter: 6

When the World Stops Spinning Chapter: 5

Topic ID: 30619
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Church   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 3:05 am    Post subject: When the World Stops Spinning Chapter: 5 Reply with quote

Chapter 5: A pleasant reunion

Alex and Aurora made their way to the door of the lab. They pulled the jammed door away from its latch and made their way inside. Some of the lights were off in the offices but they checked through them anyway looking for Uncle Jacob.

The searched every office they had seen until they came to the end of the hall where the final door sprung open revealing a graying old man with a half drunk cup of luke-warm coffee in his hands.

He stared at them for a few moments and then shouted, “Alex! Aurora! You’re both okay. I’m so happy to see you both. How long has it been? Two… Three years?”

“Uncle!” Alex snapped, “Do you know what’s going on out there?”

“Well, of coarse I do. The end of the world is here.” Uncle Jacob replied.

“Uncle, The seventies are over. You are no longer a hippie, or whatever you were then. I need you to help us. Aurora was hurt.”

“I was a soldier in the Vietnam War. I am not a hippie. Just because I lived through the seventies does not mean I was or still am a hippie.”

“Fine uncle, you’re a drunk!” Alex yelled. “Now are you going to help us.”

“Alex, when did I not help you?” Jacob asked now solemn.

“Do you really want me to answer that?” Alex yelled a tear coming form his right eye. “I know you didn’t help when dad died. Your younger brother, who you were supposed to watch out for, died in that Black Hawk crash! You didn’t help then, and I would be surprised if you help now.”

Jacob was silent and stunned. “You never even got to know your father. I knew him from the day he was born until the day that he died.” Jacob began to tear up also. “What do you need me to do?”

Alex decided that his help was better than no help at all. “Where is your first aid kit at?”

“Filing Cabinet to your right. I keep it out of the way.”

“Any specific reason it is in the one marked… 1973?”

“Not really, except that cabinet was from our second year so it was the most empty. No start up papers and not a lot of research” Jacobs explained.

Alex opened the drawer and pulled out the Aid kit. He then slammed the drawer closed again and watched as three papers flew out and floated to the floor. Alex lifted the papers and turned them over in his hand. “What are these?” he asked.

Jacob took the papers and looked them over. He removed his glasses and continued to star at the text filled papers. “These are reading from the Earth’s core! That’s it, boy. That’s what’s causing the world to destroy itself!”

“Okay… you lost me” Aurora said., confusion spilling into her voice.


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-http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?p=364993#364993 When the World Stops Spinning
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PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:22 pm    Post subject: Re: When the World Stops Spinning Chapter: 5 Reply with quote

See see see! I told you I would get to it today! I win. Or actually you do... hmmm... well anywho here goes!

Church wrote:
Chapter 5: A pleasant reunion

Alex and Aurora 1a.made their way to the door of the lab. They pulled the jammed door away from its latch and 1b.made their way inside. Some of the lights were off in the offices but they checked through them 2.anyway looking for Uncle Jacob.

This is a rather bland first paragraph, describe what the office looks like after a huge storm!
1a&b. Repetitive, distracts from the story. Change one of them.
2. comma between, and I think anyway=anyways?


The searched every office they 1.had seen until they came to the end of the hall where the final door sprung 2.open revealing a graying old man with a 3.half drunk cup of 4.luke-warm coffee in his hands.

Again, details!
1. Disagrees with the tense, change to just 'saw'.
2. comma between
3. The coffee got drunk? This part confused me at first, change to half full. Or half empty, depending on the person. Wink
4. luke-warm=lukewarm


He stared at them for a few moments and then shouted, “Alex! Aurora! You’re both okay. I’m so happy to see you both. How long has it been? Two… Three years?”

“Uncle!” Alex snapped, “Do you know what’s going on out there?”

“Well, of coarse I do. The end of the world is here.” Uncle Jacob replied.

HAHA! That was great. The end of the world is here, no big deal. I think I'm going to like this guy.
Oh, and coarse=course.


“Uncle, The seventies are over. You are no longer a hippie, or whatever you were then. I need you to help us. Aurora was hurt.”

No capitalization.

“I was a soldier in the Vietnam War. I am not a hippie. Just because I lived through the seventies does not mean I was or still am a hippie.”

“Fine uncle, you’re a drunk!” Alex yelled. “Now are you going to help us.”

“Alex, when did I not help you?” Jacob asked now solemn.

comma between

“Do you really want me to answer that?” Alex yelled a tear coming form his right eye. “I know you didn’t help when dad died. Your younger brother, who you were supposed to watch out for, died in that Black Hawk crash! You didn’t help then, and I would be surprised if you help now.”

form=from. And dang. Sounds like fun times for Alex.

Jacob was silent and stunned. “You never even got to know your father. I knew him from the day he was born until the day that he died.” Jacob began to tear up also. “What do you need me to do?”

Okay, I'm a little confused. How did Jacob say this? Was he mad or what, it's hard to tell...

Alex decided that his help was better than no help at all. “Where is your first aid kit at?”

“Filing Cabinet to your right. I keep it out of the way.”

“Any specific reason it is in the one marked… 1973?”

“Not really, except that cabinet was from our second year so it was the most empty. No start up papers and not a lot of research” Jacobs explained.

comma after research

Alex opened the drawer and pulled out the Aid kit. He then slammed the drawer closed again and watched as three papers flew out and floated to the floor. Alex lifted the papers and turned them over in his hand. “What are these?” he asked.

YAY! Finally, we're getting into the end of the world part yay! Oh and either discard Aid or put First in front of it, it looks weird this way.

Jacob took the papers and looked them over. He removed his glasses and continued to star at the text filled papers. “These are reading from the Earth’s core! That’s it, boy. That’s what’s causing the world to destroy itself!”

Ha! Yay, the end of the world yahoo! Anyways, um I think star=stare.

“Okay… you lost me” Aurora said., confusion spilling into her voice.

[b]Oh you meanie, leave me hanging why don't you? And take out the period here.



Characterization:
-Alex: In this chapter we see a little bitter side, and some pain. Which kind of fleshes him out better.
-Jacob: Of course you just introduced him, so there's some great characterization here. Especially in the way he talks about the world destroying itself. I told you I would like this character!

Hook:
You always have this one going for you. Grr. Especially the papers flying out. This is great, because you keep me chasing after the next chapter. If this was a book, and I didn't have to review, I would have sat down and read it cover to cover.

Your Overall Score: B
Very interesting, but not many details.

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A true athlete doesn't run six miles without even breaking a sweat. A true athlete runs six miles, drenched in sweat. -Me

Ever looked for a Centaur role-play site? Look no further. T.H.O.E.: Centaur of the Earth
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