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Right or wrong?
Right or wrong?

by helenelizabethclarke in Romantic Fiction
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This thread was created on May 20, 2008
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Seraphim and Serpents.

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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:34 am    Post subject: Seraphim and Serpents. Reply with quote

"Lily! Lily!" Severus screamed, pushing through the fir trees toward the sound of her voice.

"I'm here, Sev! Oh, Sevy, please hurry!"

"I'm coming, Lily! I'm coming!" he yelled back, and all at once he burst through the trees into a clearing.

The sky was dark overhead, and the acidic stench of blood and dark magic made it hard to breathe.

For a moment, Severus could see nothing but dark, unidentifiable shapes in the clearing. But as the air and his vision cleared, he saw her, laying in the clearing, the train of her lacey, white wedding gown floating in a pool of blood.

"Lily!" Severus shouted, and ran to her side, falling on his knees and checking her heartbeat. He pressed his hand against the alabaster skin and hissed, drawing it back again. She was burning up!

She moaned, an anguished sound that made Sev hurt inside.

If he didn't do something soon...he didn't let himself think of that, and pushing the thoughts behind his occlumency sheilds, he began to work on Lily.

"Easy, Lils. I've got to bring your fever down." He pulled a potion from his jacket, and pressed it to her lips. She turned her head away.

"Lily, please! You've gotta drink it! If you don't you'll-"

"I'll die, Sev," she said, her voice clear and strong though her eyes were nearly overflowing with tears. "It's too late, darling. Lucius, he-he got me with a curse. A new one; not sure what-" she was suddenly overcome with a fit of coughing.

Severus slipped a hand underneath her, pushing her up so she was sitting. He manuevered himself around behind her, so she was laying against his chest. He didn't notice, nor did he care, that his trousers and coat were getting soaked in blood.

He grasped her soft, slender hand in his and held on tight, laying his cheek against her fiery curls and whispering gentle words of comfort.

As soon as she regained her breath, she whispered:

"Sev. I love you. D-don't let me die in vain, darling. T-take care of my baby. Our baby, Sev."

"What?"

"T-take care of Harry, Severus. He's not James' baby. I never loved James. Only you," she whispered, her voice nearly gone.

"P-promise me, Sev. Promise me you'll take care of our baby."

The anguish in her voice was too much for Sev, and he began to cry. "Yes, Lily. Yes, I'll take care of him. I promise." he said, clutching her hand as tightly as he could without fear of breaking her.

She smiled at him. "Thank you, Sev. I can go now." And with that, she breathed one long sigh, and Lily Evans was...dead.

"No, Lily!" Sevrus screamed, the words ripping from his mouth and slicing the thick air like a sword.

"No. No!" he said, laying the body of his love on the grass and frantically checking her pulse. There was none.

"Lily, please," he said, slipping his hands under the body and lifting it. But he found he couldn't. Suddenly, he was no longer Severus Snape, the thirty-five-year-old potions master, but he was Sev, the scrawny twelve-year-old boy.

He struggled and tried, his sobs turning to anguished screams as desperation set in. But he could not lift her.

And then, she began to bleed. She bled from her mouth and from her wrists, blood running in rivulets down her face and hands and then her legs, pooling on the ground.

There was chest wound. Not a cut, but a bullet hole, right where her heart was. The blood soaked through her dress, turning the whole thing crimson. And then it began to soak through to Severus' arms. And soon his arms were dripping blood, and all he could see was red, red and blood, and he screamed-

Severus Snape woke with a start, his face wet with tears and his shirt sweaty.

"Dear Merlin. Not again." he thought, as wiped a hand across his eyes and sighed. Every night for the whole summer, that same dream had plauged him. He sighed, turning over in bed and looking at the clock. 4:30, Monday morning, September 1st.

Tonight was the Sorting. It would be Harry's third year at Hogwarts.

Sometime during the summer, he had ceased to think of Harry as Potter. How could he think of the boy as the son of his enemy, when every night he heard, over and over that the child was not, in fact, James' son, but his own.

He sat up, swinging his legs around so he was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I cannot go on like this," he whispered, tiredly. "But what can I do?"

Somewhere from the back of his mind, he heard a soft, girlish voice whisper, "Take care of our baby, Sev."

"I can't!" he yelled, punching the bed in frustration. "He thinks I hate him! Merlin, Lily, why now?!" he said, his voice breaking near the end of the sentence.

"Take care of Harry, Sev." he heard once more, like a fairy voice on the wind.

He sighed and put his face in his hands.

"Alright. Alright, Lily! If I do, will you stop haunting me?"

A little giggle could be heard, and, in spite of himself, Severus smiled. But soon that smiled faded as the giggle went silent.

"Never mind, I didn't mean that! Haunt me Lily, as long as you like. Atleast I'm near to you." he cried into the dark room, his voice filled with longing.

For a moment, he thought he felt a soft hand brush his cheek, and he could have sworn he heard the rustle of wings.

"Thank you, Sev..."

****

Gah! Longest peice I've ever submitted. It's also on FF.net, and soon to be on Potions and Snitches. Just so you know, it's not slash. (ick ick ick!)

I'm not sure if I'll submit any more chapters on here, (this is the only one I've currently got written) but I know I'll be submitting them on FF.net and P&S, so check there if you want more story.

But, anyways, critique please! I really want to know how I'm doing. I usually submit poetry, and I want to see what you guys think of a story from me.

Kisses, Bubble Tea and Coffee to everyone who critiques! (And even everybody who doesn't. Cause I'm just nice like that, lol.

-Elise


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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. Very excellent way of putting Lily into severus's nightmare/love dreams.
I've never seen someone write about harry potter like this, and i think i like it.

*good use of imaginary

*love the descriptions

*you made the reader want more!

Nice job on all of the above.

Please post more.

And Soon!

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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"I'm here, Sev! Oh, Sevy, please hurry!"

This is just me, but I thought 'Sev' and 'Sevy' are a little too weird for Snape to be called.
Quote:
. She was burning up!

Get rid of the exclamation point. I read somewhere that you shouldn't use them unless it's used in someone speaking or thinking.
Quote:
She moaned, an anguished sound that made Sev hurt inside.

Why did you suddenly call him by his pet name when throughout every other part of the story you refer to him, in the third person parts, as Severus?
Quote:
"Dear Merlin. Not again."

I don't think that sounds like something Severus would say. Dumbledore may, but I don't think Snape would.

Overall great job here. Your descriptions were good and the idea and setting were executed quite well. The only problem I had was that in each of, or most of, Lily's dialogs she says Snape's name and it's really unnecessary. Anyway, I liked it.

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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I finally got around to critiquing this. Here I go...

Quote:
The sky was dark overhead, and the acidic stench of blood and dark magic made it hard to breathe.


This is very good. Plenty of description, but it doesn't jump out at you. I love it.

Quote:
train of her lacey, white wedding gown floating in a pool of blood.


Why is she in a wedding dress? I read the whole thing before replying, and I'm pretty sure Lily and James married before Harry was born. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I remember.

Quote:
Sev hurt inside.


Why did you say Sev instead of Severus? I don't like it, and I'd stick with the one name throughout.

Quote:
the thirty-five-year-old potions master


I doubt he was 35 when this happened. Again, correct me i I'm wrong, but I think he'd be younger.

Quote:
the whole summer, that same dream had plauged him


Get rid of the comma.

Quote:
Atleast


At least



Overall, I can't say I loved this. It's not because of the writing, it's just that I'm not a fan of the Snape/Lily ship. I used to write and read a lot og HH fanfiction, but when I stopped writing, I stopped reading it.

Your writing is good. There were a couple of mistakes, but overall I couldn't see any major issues with your style.

SO yeah, for a ship that I don't like, this was pretty good.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, so not bad. I thought you did a nice job of showing the relationship between Snape and Lily - both the relationship they had as friends when they were younger and this new relationship original to this story. Nice descriptions, too.

I thought the pet name "Sevy" was a little weird. Sev was better because I thought it showed more respect coming from Lily seeing as the story eventually tells you that Lily loved Snape, not James. Sevy just seems like the name she would call him when they were young friends... not when she is in love with him.

Also, why was she in a wedding dress? She would have already been married if she had Harry.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, thanks so much for all the critique guys! Ya'll are SO awesome. Now, I kinda want to clear up an issue that some of you have mentioned.
This is a nightmare, as well as a vision from Lily. The two are twisting in Sev's mind, so he really can't tell which is which. And we all know that when we have nightmares, details get really twisted.
I'll have to work on showing that it's a nightmare, I'll do so in the editing.
But this is the reason Lily's in a wedding dress. Backstory in my head is:

Sev is picturing the time that Lily was most beautiful to him, and so sacred. To see something like that image so broken and bloody and...tarnished is a horrifying thing for him. His dream is also about losing Lily, and the day she married James was the day, in his mind, that he lost her. Make sense? Probably not.
Well, I just wanted to clear that up, and to say thanks so much.
Love you all!
-Elise

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ROFL, Hey Elise! So cool to run into you here! You already know that I like your story. It was kind of weird that Severus was talking to himself. He just does not seem like the kind to do so, but I guess I can see him doing so because he had had a really bad dream. "Sev" is a little overdone but that is just my own opinion.
Scorpia

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with the above authors. The name "Sevy" is wierd and if Lily's going to call him something, i think it should just be "Sev". Also "For the love of Merlin" is something Snape would most definitely NOT be caught saying. It would ruin his tough guy image. And, why did you have Lucius hit Lily with a curse? It should have been someone worse, like Voldemort. But that's just my opinion.

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