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whence
look, it's a whence.
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 Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 6:52 am Post subject: A Rightly Timed Pause (When Hearts Attack) |
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this will be bent to fit whatever music is made for it, since there is none as of yet.
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A Rightly Timed Pause (When Hearts Attack)
The headlights press as negatives
Against your curtained eyes
Though the window shields the worst of it
You still can smell the light
You seal your heart in an envelope
As the sun bleeds out the sky
A letter mailed to a funeral
To be promptly stamped, then die
Can’t convey the way that dew drops dry.
The AC pushes that thought away
As choking air meets you full-face
Get out of the car and lie in the grass
Police hearts and broken cars pass
Exhale your thoughts through the stereo
White noise turned to acrid gold
And your drowning-grip on the steering wheel,
it betrays the way you feel....
The grass is thick with insects and the lost cause,
Sweating glances and the rightly timed pause.
By a show of hearts and the dripping jaws,
who all is for never looking back?
To meet Heaven, the hell, the oz,
When hearts attack.
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Last edited by whence on Wed Jun 04, 2008 2:39 am; edited 1 time in total |
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myfreindsavamp
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| Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 11:16 am Post subject: Re: A Rightly Timed Pause (When Hearts Attack) |
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A letter mailed to a funeral
To be promptly stamped, then die
(What's this mean. Because this made no sense at all.)
Police hearts and broken cars pass
Police cars
That's beautiful. Although I really didn't get the main feeling.
Overall I'd have to say good job on making moods in this one. The lyrics could possible be stretched a bit. Maybe one more verse? |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
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I quite liked it. You said you had no tune, have you got oe now? Because I was using a simple tune and it worked for the entire song.
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The AC pushes that thought away
As choking air meets you full-face |
While I loved the first verse, the second needs more work. These two lines, for instance. It seems a bit desperate. I'd change the last thing to something completely different.
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| Police hearts and broken cars pass |
This one should be a bit longer I think. And, Police hearts? Broken cars? I think you can do better.
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| Betrays the way you feel |
This line should be longer. LIke, It betrays the way you feel. Even the It makes it longer and smoother.
Do you mean the grass?
Overall, nice song. Needs some work in most bits, but I liked it mostly. Have you recorded it yet? Because it'd be great to hear. |
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whence
look, it's a whence.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:57 am Post subject: |
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I actually meant "the glass", but I like grass considerably more, so I'm using it now :p
Thanks for all the help!
*edited* |
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Palantalid
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:42 am Post subject: |
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Haha...I had favorited this, to critique later, but forgot about it. Anyway, better late then never. Onwards...
Well, the numbness portrayed in the first two lines just tells me why I had favorited this. The whole song has a good realisticness to it, though some parts sound random-
"A letter mailed to a funeral
To be promptly stamped, then die
Can’t convey the way that dew drops dry"
I fumbled over the lack of grammar. I get the image of a prophetic vision before the heart attack. The drying dewdrop could be a tear or maybe it's just about life drying up...I could go on, but I could be wasting my time.
"AC" doesn't work well. This stanza is blander than the last. "Police hearts" is good in an inexplicable way. But the last two lines of the stanza are the only ones that are as good. Quite realistic and physical.
"By a show of hearts and the dripping jaws,
who all is for never looking back?"
"a show of hearts" seemed strange at first but I complement after reading the second line, which I really think should be "who all are for...." or "who are all for.."
You had a great conceptual start and end here...but there were some weak points. I had typed out more but they told me to log in again. Good thing actually, because I might have bored you. Thanks for the read and by the way....why isn't this in lyrics? |
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whence
look, it's a whence.
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: |
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well, the letter was supposed to be sent by the narrator to a previously deceased person, with the "can't convey the way that dew drops dry" line showing how even the best intentions can fall short, and really that the world has a lot to offer (something the narrator tries to ignore: "but you still can smell the light", "The AC pushes that thought away", etc.). However, by the end of the song the narrator's accepted fate and is even looking forward to 'whatever comes next'.
Er, at least that's how I intended it XD.
But yeah, I realize that the grammar's awful at the end of V1... I'll definitely have to revise it.
Thanks for all your help!
EDIT: isn't it in lyrics already...? |
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The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway
I'm reminding myself to crit this |
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