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Getting Out
Getting Out

by Cat_910 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 21, 2008
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It's Never Over (chapter 2)
Fast Lane

Fast Lane (chapter 2)

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OverEasy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 10:34 pm    Post subject: Fast Lane (chapter 2) Reply with quote

Chapter 2

The next day I sat in the office at the school, I knew what was coming. I made an obnoxious noise of frustration, somewhere between a snort and a sigh, and one the office attendants glared at me. I glared back and raised an eyebrow at her. She didn’t say anything to me, she never did.

I sighed and stretched myself out on the uncomfortable office chair, earning another fierce look from the lady. I just grinned at her and waited my turn.

“Miss James, The principal will see you now.”

I grunted, got up from my place, and walked the familiar steps to the principal’s office. “What do you want this time?” I asked with a laugh.

Mr. Richards smiled at me, though I knew he was upset to be calling me in there… again. “Ahh Jordan, good to see you again. There seems to be a problem.”

“Yeah, I figured that, what’d I do this time?” I took my usual seat, not even paying attention to the police officer in the chair next to me.

“Um, it seems there was some vandalism at the Pits residence, do you know anything about that?” He asked me, eyeing the police officer.

“No, sir, I don’t know anything about that.” I said in all innocence. “Who would do such a thing?”

“Well, Miss James, Cain seems to think you might have some involvement. Seeing as you two have had some problems recently. It was only his room that was destroyed, and his hair turned pink.” Said the officer.

I stifled a laugh. “You’re kidding me! Well, I can’t say that I had anything to do with it, but props to whoever did.”

“Miss James, when will you start taking the police force seriously?” The cop asked with a sigh.

“The day you can convict me of something.” I said defiantly. “Can I go?”

“Yes, Jordan, go back to class.” Mr. Richards said.

I grinned at him and smirked at the cop, whom I now recognized as Officer Paul. “See you soon.” I told them both before leaving.

I was pretty sure I heard them both sigh before I closed the door.

I turned quickly to leave and ran into something. I looked up in shock and saw what—or rather who it was that I ran into. “Sorry.” I said.

He had blue black hair, obviously dyed, dark eyes and some lovely snake bites. His skin was pale, like any true Washington boy, and his face was chiseled. I felt my heart skip a beat and had to shake my head to clear it.

“It’s cool, I’m new here, and just got a little lost. Can you tell me where the chem. Lab is?”

“Uh, yeah, just go straight down the hall, take a left and you are there. Room 306.” I told him.

He smiled. “Thanks, hey I like your brow ring, how long have you had it?” His hand fidgeted, like he wanted to reach out and touch it. I bit my lip before answering.

“A couple months, and the snake bites?” I asked.

“’bout a year.” There was an awkward pause where we just kind of looked at each other, sizing each other up. “Well I’ll see you around.” He told me.

“Yeah. You will.” I smirked at him and sauntered off, flipping my long dark hair as I went.

Reid was sitting in our history class, looking especially anxious. Her face was all red and it looked like she’d been sweating.

“Dude, calm down, I’m not in any trouble.”

Reid shook her head at me and tried to pay attention to our history lesson.

“Besides, there are much more important things going on than that.” I told her with my trademark smirk.

I could tell Reid wanted to ask me what, her hands got fidgety and she kept looking over at me. After a minute she started tapping her pencil, appearing very thoughtful, though I could tell the history lesson was far from her mind. Finally she broke. “Ok, so what is so important?”

“New kid. Hot new kid.” I told her.

I watched her face break into a grin. “Explain.”


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PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2008 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

in all else good story but a few typos I am to tired to give you a REAL critic I might reread it tomorrow and let you know what I think

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PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2008 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this is going to be an interestingly enchanting story. I like the way you started and the part with Mr. Richards and the officer. Nice characterization with Miss James--I care for her!! She seems a cool girl(I can't find the word). Oh, I must say that the first paragraph is beautiful! It sounds just like Miss James. Very lively story-telling Smile
I'd love to read the next chapter Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2008 5:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey OverEasy,

I must say, I really enjoyed this. I love the way Jordan is a teenage rebel and her entire attitude is refreshing. She's not the stereotype teenage girl.

I do have some issues though. There's nothing seriously wrong and these are basically my tips and wishes for how you could improve it.

Peanuts

Quote:
I made an obnoxious noise of frustration, somewhere between a snort and a sigh, and one of the office attendants glared at me. I glared back and raised an eyebrow at her.


Quote:
“Um, it seems there was some vandalism at the Pits' residence, do you know anything about that?”


I believe there should be an apostrophe after 'Pits' because Pits' is genitive plural, which belongs there.

Quote:
His skin was pale, like any true Washington boy's, and his face was chiseled.


If I am correct you are referring to the skin in the underlined part, so it should be boy's.

Quote:
“Thanks, hey, I like your brow ring, how long have you had it?”


Not sure about his one, but I'd put a comma after the 'hey'.

Quote:
There was an awkward pause where we just kind of looked at each other, sizing each other up.


I'd try to cut the repetition.

Description

I'm a little more happy with your description in this chapter than in the first one, but not a whole lot.

> Setting and people

What I'm missing is some more information about the setting. What do things look like? You tell us nearly nothing about the setting. Or what your characters look like. What their habits are, how they move, what they're currently doing with their hands, what stands out about them... All that.

All I know about the office of the school is that the office chair Jordan is sitting on is uncomfortable and that she and one of the attendants are having their own private little glaring battle.

I don't know what the chair is made of, which would help me to understand why it's uncomfortable. The only adjective you give us is office, which either refers to the location or the kind of chair, but somehow I find it hard to believe they're giving her a 'real office chair'. [Slap me, if they are.]

I don't know what the office attendant is like and what she's doing except for glaring at Jordan. Is she bustling around, watering the office plants? Is she typing away on the keyboard with her extremely long fingers with the annoyingly red fingernails?

All the reader ever finds out is that Jordan sits there, making all kinds of noises. It's just kind of blank. Fill it up a little. Give us some ideas of what things and people look like, what's happening in the background?

Same with the principal and his office. What does he look like? What is he doing with is hand? Are his glasses on the tip of his nose? How does he look at Jordan, what kind of thoughts does that provoke in her? What can be seen out the window? [She seems to be the type of person that's there often, so she's probably know from staring out of it on various occasions...]

Whew, that was quite a list. Okaydokey, moving on.

> The Guy

Quote:
He had blue black hair, obviously dyed, dark eyes and some lovely snake bites. His skin was pale, like any true Washington boy, and his face was chiseled. I felt my heart skip a beat and had to shake my head to clear it.


Somehow this description of him bothers me.

You give a whole lot of details of how he looks, but somehow I never get a certain picture of him. Maybe you're starting off a bit too specific.
What I'd suggest would be to maybe also describe his clothing. Dress him in a T-shirt with the name of a rock band on it or something like that to tie it together. Give us an overall impression. Also maybe describe something specific about him that sticks out in more detail. What's the first thing she notices? [This is probably also something that attracts her.]

For example have her run into him and notice his T-shirt, 'cause naturally that's the first thing she sees due to his height. [Is he tall at all?]
And then have her look up and notice his mischievously sparkling eyes? [Okay, maybe that's a cliche, but what kind of expression does he have in his eyes? You just say they're dark, but that just makes them kind of blank, while you could use them to show some of his personality.]

Then I'd probably start the dialogue and put the rest of the description in here,

Quote:
There was an awkward pause where we just kind of looked at each other, sizing each other up.


perhaps?

But the placing of that is entirely up to you. [Just like all the other stuff, just that this matters less to me Wink]

Oh yes, the snake bites. There are a few things I'm curious about concerning those.
>Were are they? His arms?
>What do they look like? [I doubt I'd notice the weird marks on this guy's arm or where ever are snake bites unless I'd take a closer look.]

Everything from the moment she walks away from him is wonderful. Her walk, her talk, Reid, all of it. Wonderful dialogue, wonderful end to the chapter.

Dialogue

I generally really enjoyed your characters' dialogue. Very neat. All I'd do is try to make the difference between the way different people speak stronger. It's noticeable, but for the benefit of especially Jordan's cheeky way of speaking I'd draw a bit more of a line. Maybe this is worth a try, although I'm not sure, since it's a whole lot of work and you're dialogue is already really lovely.

I'm looking forward to read more of this! Sorry for rambling a bit, but I hope it helps you bring this from good to great. Smile

All the best,

~Kalliope

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PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2008 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Err.. snake bites are a piercing. There are two, each on the lower part of your lip. Sorry! Should have been more specific! I will clear that up in the rewrite promise!

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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 12:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha, that explains a whole lot! Sorry, may just have been me being stupid, but maybe clearing it up would help incase someone else doesn't know. Wink

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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha I just read about the snake bites,
I'm getting them.
I loves them!(:


Anywho,
you still have me amazingly engaged in this
and I'm so excited.
haha

Instead of just rewriting exactly EVERYTHING Kalliope
wrote, I'll just say that I agree. d:

Though, I was confused:
Perhaps a little more detail on the cops or principal.
You know?
or else Reid.
But that's just me.

Peace!

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Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough.
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PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is just as intriguing at the first chapter!

Very well done, I love how she is irritated a little but not crazy nervous like her vest friend is. And I like how she meets the guy and how the converstation goes. Usually when a protaganist meets their love interest it can be pretty lame...[Yeah that me again, guilty*]


The contrast between her and her best friend is wonderful. Each character is well developed and has a voice of their own. The one's above me have helped you quite a lot, so there isn't much I can add.


I love how you end each chapter with the reader craving more Wink.


PS.- I can't wait to see what happens with the hot new kid!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good! Very Happy I enjoyed it! You definitely caught my attention better than the first chapter!

Okay, first I’m going to do the line-by-line stuff (boring, I know) and then I will move on to my overall review!

Quote:
The next day I sat in the office at the school, I knew what was coming. I made an obnoxious noise of frustration, somewhere between a snort and a sigh, and one the office attendants glared at me.


Okay, I put this up here because these sentences are awkward. You need to use semicolons, dashes, and a few commas in these two, like so: The next day, I sat in the office at the school; I knew what was coming. I made an obnoxious noise of frustration—somewhere between a snort and a sigh—and one of the office attendants glared at me.

Quote:
She didn’t say anything to me, she never did.


Another semi thing. She didn’t say anything; she never did.. That is how is should look.


Quote:
“Um, it seems there was some vandalism at the Pits residence, do you know anything about that?” He asked me, eyeing the police officer.

“No, sir, I don’t know anything about that.” I said in all innocence. “Who would do such a thing?”

“Well, Miss James, Cain seems to think you might have some involvement. Seeing as you two have had some problems recently. It was only his room that was destroyed, and his hair turned pink.” Said the officer.


All of these are that grammar stuff I mentioned in the previous review I gave of your first chapter.
In the first quote, the tag should read: he asked me, eyeing the police officer.

The second tag should read: …about that,” I said in all innocence.

The third tag: …and his hair turned pink,” said the officer.

Quote:
“Miss James, when will you start taking the police force seriously?” The cop asked with a sigh.

“The day you can convict me of something.” I said defiantly. “Can I go?”

“Yes, Jordan, go back to class.” Mr. Richards said.

I grinned at him and smirked at the cop, whom I now recognized as Officer Paul. “See you soon.” I told them both before leaving.


Same grammatical stuff.
First quote: …police force seriously?” the cop asked with a sigh.

Second: …convict me of something,” I said defiantly.

Third: …go back to class,” Mr. Richards’ said.

Fourth: [I]”See you soon,” I told them both before leaving.


Quote:
“Sorry.” I said.


Grammar…

”Sorry,” I said.

Quote:
“Uh, yeah, just go straight down the hall, take a left and you are there. Room 306.” I told him.


…Room 306,” I told him.


Quote:
“Well I’ll see you around.” He told me.


”Well, I’ll see you around,” he told me.

Quote:
“Besides, there are much more important things going on than that.” I told her with my trademark smirk.


…things going on than that,” I told her with my trademark smirk.

Quote:
I could tell Reid wanted to ask me what, her hands got fidgety and she kept looking over at me.


Dash use here…at least I think Confused

I could tell Reid wanted to ask me what—her hands got all fidgety and she kept looking over at me.

Quote:
“New kid. Hot new kid.” I told her.


…Hot new kid,” I told her.

Well, now that that’s all over…Whew!

*wipes brow after all that work*

I think your story is good! You should know that I want to know what happens, so that should be enough for you to know that I like it.

But I do think that you could use some more detail. What does Mr. Richards look like? Officer look like? Her friend Reid?? And all that jazz.

Also, you need to less TELLING, as I told you before, and more SHOWING!
Detail, Detail, and more Detail! That needs to be included as well.

Umm, other than that, it is a decent piece! I would love to read more…but I don’t think you have a third chapter, do you??

Well, you will just have to PM me when you post more!

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