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This thread was created on May 21, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Bubbling, chapter 1
Bubbling, chapter 2
Bubbling, chapter 3
Bubbling, chapter 5
Bubbling, chapter 6
Bubbling, chapter 7
Bubbling, chapter 8
Bubbling, chapter 9

Bubbling, chapter 4

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Demeter   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 6:32 pm    Post subject: Bubbling, chapter 4 Reply with quote

I'm smiling even though I don't want to. Satin seems simply horrified, but she's trying to be perfectly composed. I'm not surprised, though. Most people look askance at me at first, but nobody's tried to remain proud and indifferent as long as Satin.

She's probably balancing two ways in her head right now: to talk or not to talk?

"By the way, have you gotten your name from Moulin Rouge? There's Satine in there, isn't it?"

The ice hasn't quite broken yet.

"Oh yes, that Nicole Kidman... No! I don't know! I have no idea where my name's from!"

But it's melting.

I finish my croissant. It was very... leafy. There's nothing like that in Willows.

With a little nod toward Satin, I get up and head for the stairs. I can feel Satin's eyes in my neck. Well, she may glare all she wants.

When I look quickly over my shoulder, I can see her spreading butter on her toast. So now she can hold the buttering knife when I'm not offering it? She's unbelievable. But rather funny, I must say.

There's a cherry tree behind the window of my room. It's like made for climbing – it would be cool to be sitting on a branch behind the sprays and munching some succulent cherries while reading a good book. And what about when it's blossoming? When I just think about the lovely sight it must be, I get tears in my eyes. But I'm not weeping because of Satin, even though she was unnecessarily rude. I'm sure it'll get better in a few days.

I pull the soap water bottle from my bag. As I mentioned, it's one of the most important things I own. I've had the same bottle since I was five – I've always refilled it again and again. It's all girly-girly with pictures of pink flowers and butterflies, and there's a plastic silver bead in the cork.

The window has to be open. I like to blow the bubbles outside, so the other people can see them, too. I start to blow very calmly and s-l-o-w-l-y and the bubble comes to shape like a tennis ball. I set it free, now blowing sharply instead. A lot of small bubbles come out. I catch one of them, blowing again. A double bubble is formed. And then a triple bubble. And many small ones again. And then –

"What on Earth are you doing?" Satin demands from the doorstep. I don't make a move. I can't read people's minds nor do I have a super hearing, but I'm not an idiot. It's clear as day that Satin would come over and see what I'm doing after I so mysteriously left her alone in the kitchen.

"Fixing the refrigerator" is my answer.

"Yeah, really funny. I see what you're doing."

"Then why did you ask?"

Her eyebrows are knitted a little. "Why are you making soap bubbles?"

"It's very relaxing. I do that a lot. Haven't you ever tried it?"

She shakes her head.

"You should." I hand her the blowing ring. She accepts it with a little hesitation and steps by the window. Nothing happens when she makes a gentle blow.

"You have to dip it in the bottle again."

She tries again, now succeeding. Satin's first soap bubble ever doesn't break even when going by the cherry tree, but goes on floating higher and higher until it vanishes. Her glance follows it loyally. Suddenly a genuine smile lights her face – her first during my visit.

"Wow", she gasps. "It's amazing that out of soap and water you can get a... ball."

That's the most sincere sentence I've heard her say.

"Yeah. Most people don't understand anything about bubbles. Can you see their surface reflecting the colours of the rainbow?"

Satin's still by the window, now blowing a new bubble. It pops to her fair hair and makes it glisten in the sun ever more.

"There's so lame in Willows that this is great fun around there. I'm sure the people here go to the mall and movies every weekend... People wear Gucci and Chanel at work and school."

Satin looks amazed. "All the... country people pronounce them 'Gucki' and 'Canal'", she tells, blushing.

"You thought I was a hillbilly."

She nods. "Sorry."

Funny how people so often get wrong impressions. It's stereotyping. It should be gotten rid of. "What does come to your mind when talked about a girl who gets good grades at school?"

"She wears glasses and walks around with a book under her nose and doesn't do anything but study and isn't allowed to cross the street on her own..." she says immediately.

"That's right!" I cry. Satin startles a bit. "So many people think about them that way when it can really be just vice versa. They are teased because they aren't allowed to watch horror movies or something else as stupid. Maybe they're not even interested. I'm enraged about stereotyping!"

She startles again, but somehow I feel it's not about my words this time.

"I have to go", she blurts and drops the blowing ring into the bottle. Then she rushes out of the room.


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Last edited by Demeter on Sat May 24, 2008 8:53 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 6:49 pm    Post subject: Re: Bubbling, chapter 4 Reply with quote

Demeter wrote:
I'm smiling even though I don't want to. Satin seems simply horrified, but she's trying to be perfectly composed. I'm not surprised, though. Most people look askance at me at first, but nobody's tried to remain proud and indifferent as long as Satin.

She's probably balancing reconsider word choice two ways in her head right now: to talk or not to talk?

"By the way, have you gotten your name from Moulin Rouge? There's Satine in there, isn't it?"

The ice hasn't quite broken yet.

"Oh yes, that Nicole Kidman... No! I don't know! I have no idea where my name's from!"

But it's melting.

I finish my croissant. It was very tasty bland statement, avoid those . There's nothing like that in Willows.

With a little nod toward Satin, I get up and head for the stairs. I can feel Satin's eyes in my neck. Well, she may glare all she wants.

When I look quickly over my shoulder, I can see her spreading butter on her toast. So now she can hold the buttering knife when I'm not offering it? She's unbelievable. But rather funny. This last sentence sort of ruins the effect of the previous one, cut it

There's a cherry tree behind the window of my room. It's like made for climbing – it would be wonderful to be sitting on a branch behind the sprays and munching some succulent cherries while reading a good book Too many adjectives... the succulent and good together is overdoing it. I'd simply say "book" . And what about when it's blossoming? When I just think about the lovely sight it must be, I get tears in my eyes. But I'm not weeping because of Satin, even though she was unnecessarily rude, but repetition of but. Watch that I'm sure it'll get better in a few days.

I pull the soap water bottle from my bag. As I mentioned, it's one of the most important things I own. I've had the same bottle since I was five – I've always refilled it again and again. It's all girly-girly with pictures of pink flowers and butterflies, and there's a plastic silver bead in the cork.

The window has to be open. I like to blow the bubbles outside, so the other people can see them, too. I start to blow very calmly and s-l-o-w-l-y and the bubble comes to shape like a tennis ball. I set it free, now blowing sharply instead. A lot of small bubbles come out. I catch one of them, blowing again. A double bubble is formed. And then a triple bubble. And many small ones again. And then –

"What on Earth are you doing?" Satin demands from the doorstep. I don't make a stir reconsider word choice . I can't read people's minds nor do I have a super hearing, but I'm not an idiot. It's clear as day that Satin would come over and see what I'm doing after I so mysteriously left her alone in the kitchen.

"Fixing the refrigerator" is my answer. Ha ha. Cut the "ha ha", redundant

"Yeah, really funny. I see what you're doing."

"Then why did you ask?"

Her eyebrows are knitted a little. "Why are you making soap bubbles?"

"It's very relaxing. I do that a lot. Haven't you ever tried it?"

She shakes her head.

"You should." I hand her the blowing ring. She accepts it with a little hesitation and steps by the window. Nothing happens when she makes a gentle blow.

"You have to dip it in the bottle again."

She tries again, now succeeding. Satin's first soap bubble ever doesn't break even when going by the cherry tree, but goes on floating higher and higher until it vanishes. Her glance follows it loyally. Suddenly a genuine smile lights her face – her first during my visit.

"Wow", she gasps. "It's amazing that out of soap and water you can get a... ball."

That's the most sincere sentence I've heard her say.

"Yeah. Most people don't understand anything about bubbles. Can you see their surface reflecting the colours of the rainbow?"

Satin's still by the window, now blowing a new bubble. It pops to her fair hair and makes it glisten in the sun ever more.

"There's so lame in Willows that this is great fun around there Huh? . I'm sure the people here go to the mall and movies every weekend... People wear Gucci and Chanel at work and school."

Satin looks amazed. "All the... country people say pronounce them 'Gucki' and 'Canal'", she tells, blushing.

"You thought I was a hillbilly."

She nods. "Sorry."

It's funny how people so often get wrong impressions. It's Cut the "it's" stereotyping. We we who? should get of rid of it. "What does come to your mind when talked about a girl who gets good grades at school?"

"She wears glasses and walks around with a book under her nose and doesn't do anything but study and isn't allowed to cross the street on her own..." she says immediately.

"That's right!" I cry. Satin startles a bit. "So many people think about them that way when it can really be just vice versa. They are teased because they aren't allowed to watch horror movies or something else as stupid. Maybe they're not even interested. I'm furious reconsider word choice about stereotyping!"

She startles again, but somehow I feel it's not about my words this time.
"I have to go", she blurts and drops the blowing ring into the bottle. Then she rushes out of the room.


Generally, not bad. I still think you need more character development, and some more background.

Apart from that, and a few vocab issues... all's good Smile The plot's developing well, too - though I'd have something big and dramatic happening soon to catch the reader's attention before it wanes Wink

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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is my favorite chapter so far Very Happy but pegasi beat me to the in-depth critique. Overall, your writing improved hugely in just the past three chapters, and so did your characterization. Keep up the good work!


~Sunny

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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 5:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey D, sorry it took so long for me to get around to reading this. I'm with lyrical sunshine- this is, the best chapter so far. I'm guessing this is where the title name comes from? Anway, not really much to say here on the improvement side of things- just watch your word choice, 'Tasty' jumped out of the page at me because this is meant to be a teenage girl talking, not a child.

And be careful that you not over-describe things because it's a tell tale sign of someone whose not comfortable in their writing voice.

Other than that- good. PM me when the next one's up. The character development/ interaction is steadily gathering pace. Just remember to try and not make it too easy on yourself. Reader's pick up on things like that.

Eimear

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Demeter-
Okay. Why did she just rush out of the room? I guess I'll have to read on.

I do agree with the others about this chapter. I liked it, a lot. I feel Lizzie's mood changing. Just a little bit per chapter.

Anyway, I wanna read more. So I'm gonna go.

-Merry

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