Topic ID: 30210
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 1300 Reviews: 201 Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing* 578 Points
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Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: Branding |
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I'm not that good at poetry, but I like this one. :)
Branding
I made an indentation on the world;
I carved my initials into its soul
And left my mark.
I was the song that played in its dreams
For one night.
I was the ink-stain on its weathered pages –
A stately sentence, a stamp of purpose on the paper.
I stood and screamed into the sky
And the world heard me.
I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky.
I burned myself into its crust –
The messy and the mundane and the magnificent –
All of it, scorched onto the skin of the earth.
I was the scab on the surface of the world;
Itchy and crusted black with burnt-out dreams,
And the weariness of words not heard.
I was the scar that formed when the scab was scratched;
Pink flesh faintly puckered with remembered pain,
Stretched and smoothed by the slow passage of time.
I was the smear of dirt,
The stain of quirks and confusion,
Of irrational anger and hysteria.
I was music and midnight,
Hope and despair,
Fear and strength.
I scarred and sang and screamed;
I broke and blackened and scorched;
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here. |
_________________ "I was born free, and in order to live free I chose the solitude of the countryside. The trees of these mountains are my companions, the clear waters of these streams are my mirrors...I am a distant fire and a far-off sword." ~Don Quixote |
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Rubric
Considers "Necromance" a verb Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Dec 2007 Posts: 453 Reviews: 71 Country: Australia 400 Points
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 6:29 am Post subject: |
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My god this is awesome!
"I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. "
This is, for me, clearly the best part, as the imagery is really striking.
"broke and blackened and scorched; "
you have four lines with heavy alliteration, is this intended to break it up a little?
Again, awesome.
Rubric |
_________________ Religion is a crutch for those who cannot handle drugs and, by the same token, vice versa.
Got YWS? |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 3825 Reviews: 647 Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines. 300 Points
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 7:29 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, this is very navel-gazing. You do have nice imagery but don't really try and relate us to the poem, one way or another. Instead you tell us everything, rather than show it. And the repetition of 'I' doesn't help in any way at all. It drones on and with the sentences all mostly beginning the same way. To me this seems more like a set of ideas, not poem, as you could explore each part of the ideas in different stanzas.
Overall: Right now it's to you, we wish to involved and remember show don't tell. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN |
_________________ We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Jan 2008 Posts: 644 Reviews: 314 Country: In the land of bogs and emerald green. 250 Points
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:44 am Post subject: |
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Hmmm, I did like this very much, I have to say. I could really relate to the speaker, you know? It spoke to me.
However I disliked the constant use of 'I'. I felt that there could have been better ways to protray your theme, and it boarders on telling rather than showing in many places.
Other than that, good concept. You were almost making a mark of your own by writing this poem. Clever idea.
The ending is great:
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The world remembered.
I was here. |
Simple. I adore simple yet effective endings.
Best wishes,
Eimear |
_________________ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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khfan890
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 05 Jan 2008 Posts: 226 Reviews: 33 Country: the best country in the world 300 Points
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Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this alot!! I agree with Eimear. I love simple endings. The constant use of "I" didn't bother me like it did others (then again, I'm not big on poetry).
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| Hmm, this is very navel-gazing. |
Huh? What does that mean? |
_________________ Death is no respecter of persons. Just felt like saying that. |
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This_is_history
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 286 Reviews: 16 Country: The gorgeous land of My Brilliant Mind. 295 Points
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Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:11 am Post subject: |
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This is absolutely gorgeous. Your imagery is beautiful. I love the bumpy flow at the first, and then how it smooths towards the end.
This is the most amazing part:
"I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. "
It's beautiful. The whole thing was so pretty I almost cried. I really liked the idea. I loved it, the whole thing and really, I have nothing bad to say.
Keep it up, you're amazing!
-Elise |
_________________ I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
This is the child that no-one sees, lost in a long ago melody. |
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 1300 Reviews: 201 Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing* 578 Points
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Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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| khfan890 wrote: |
I liked this alot!! I agree with Eimear. I love simple endings. The constant use of "I" didn't bother me like it did others (then again, I'm not big on poetry).
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| Hmm, this is very navel-gazing. |
Huh? :? What does that mean? |
Um, I think it means I'm being egotistical...but that was sort of the point. *blushes*
Thank you all for your critiques! I appreciate all the advice and compliments. :) |
_________________ "I was born free, and in order to live free I chose the solitude of the countryside. The trees of these mountains are my companions, the clear waters of these streams are my mirrors...I am a distant fire and a far-off sword." ~Don Quixote |
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gyrfalcon
to live would be an awefully big adventure Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 04 Sep 2006 Posts: 2144 Reviews: 423 Country: follow me 316 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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| While you may not be a poet, you have every right to be proud of this poem. I’m not much of a poetry-editor, but I loved it. Your use of metaphor was especially pleasing—initials, ink-stain, song, instrument, wounds, scars, all of them were beautifully used and accessible. Your rhythm is pretty good, neither exceptionally flowing nor exceptionally jerky—the rhythm is not what this poem is about. I quite enjoyed the overall sentiment. It seems so often these days we get poems about how insignificant the poet feels, how cruel the world is, and while both these things are often true, your poem focuses on a more positive side of things: we can and do make a difference. Overall, darling, quite lovely. |
_________________ “If we do not believe in decent behaviour, why should we be so anxious to make excuses for not having behaved decently…For you notice that it is only for our bad behaviour that we find all these explanations.” ~C.S. Lewis |
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Ygaron
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Oct 2007 Posts: 37 Reviews: 29
300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: |
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| This is on of the best things I have ever read! I love it! Keep it up! I want to read more! |
_________________ "A person who won't read has no advantage over a person who can't read"
-----Mark Twain |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 03 Jun 2007 Posts: 786 Reviews: 318 Country: Ireland 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 12:50 pm Post subject: |
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This flows beautifully and teh enjambment builds momentum effectively. The sense of purpose is strong. I love;
"I burned myself into its crust "
and
"Itchy and crusted black with burnt-out dreams,
And the weariness of words not heard.
I was the scar that formed when the scab was scratched."
Yes, it is naval-gazey, but maybe that's not always a bad thing.
I thinkl;
"Hope and despair,
Fear and strength. "
and
"I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here."
are a little weak. I'd try to maintain the brilliant imagery, and invent a more powerful climax. I'd also change;
"I scarred and sang and screamed" to
"I scarred and screamed and sang"....but don't ask me why!
Hope this helps.
Jas |
_________________ "How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 23 May 2008 Posts: 232 Reviews: 139
521 Points
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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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I love this poem. It's so full of brilliant imagery and ideas that it's difficult to pick a favourite section, but I love:
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I carved my initials into its soul
And left my mark.
I was the song that played in its dreams
For one night. |
Jasmine made me think about this line:
| Quote: |
Hope and despair,
Fear and strength.
I scarred and sang and screamed;
I broke and blackened and scorched;
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here. |
I think it should be 'I screamed and scarred and sang'.
Also, I don't know if you wanted to avoid putting 'hope and fear' together because, well, they're always put together, but I think this might work better as:
Hope and fear,
Strength and despair, (or 'despair and strength' to avoid an almost-rhyme)
I screamed and screamed and scarred and sang;
I broke and blackened and (it would help to find another word for here beginning with 'b' so you don't disrupt the pattern)
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here.
I actually really like the end. It reminds me of 'So-and-so wiz ere 2008' that you see all over the place. Unfortunately, the graffiti reminds me of some of the types of people who went to my school. However, I like the connotations of it in your poem because it's like your own educated way of doing the same thing.
Well done! |
_________________ Click for critiques
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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thePoet_In_Me
Novice

Gender:  Age: 22 Joined: 14 Jul 2008 Posts: 6 Reviews: 2
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:39 am Post subject: |
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I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky.
--Great work I think.
Specifically these 3 lines to me sounded like something happening in reality.
It strikes the imagination chords of the reader right away. Your imagination
and then the way that has been transformed into words is truly appreciable.
The only one thing that in my opinion was not befitting was the sudden change of mood. Though your poem depicts both the happy and the gloomy moods, it makes a transition that sounds (atleast for me) to abrupt. Below is the exact words I'm talking about.
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky.
I burned myself into its crust –
The messy and the mundane and the magnificent – ...so forth
Barring that one thing I truly felt it was 'Food for thought'.
Regards,
Ankit |
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RowanHowler
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 19 Jul 2008 Posts: 67 Reviews: 42 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 12:49 am Post subject: |
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Hey,
I really enjoyed this piece. It was vivid with imagery and each line was concise and clearly well thought out. I think you made each word count and the concept as very clear yet vague enough to mean many things to many readers. I think everyone longs for this confirmation of existence as one in the mass that stands out, a shining part of the whole.
"I scarred and sang and screamed;"- I think maybe "scarred" could be changed since you used it earlier. Other than that this seemed virtually flawless and I thoroughly enjoyed it!  |
_________________ Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Keane |
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Palantalid
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 20 Aug 2007 Posts: 123 Reviews: 65 Country: East Indies(India) 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 12:00 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice. I'll try to be thorough so forgive nitty-pickies. It seems to have lasted for months, this one.
A quick line by line>>>
Branding very nice title. fits well
I made an indentation on the world;
I carved my initials into its soul
And left my mark.
I was the song that played in its dreams
For one night. rethink....why one night? consider stuff like being a writer. You are leaving a brand aren't you?
I was the ink-stain on its weathered pages –
A stately sentence, a stamp of purpose on the paper.
I stood and screamed into the sky
And the world heard me. very brash...not just the action but the words used. I'd say find something other than screamed
I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. see, here you're more permanent
I burned myself into its crust –I've always said it should be "burnt". I think it sounds better here anyway
The messy and the mundane and the magnificent – I thought I saw three parts to your poem- messy "smear of dirt", mundane "scab" and magnificent "ink stain", "stately sentence". How about you bring it out a little more. The transitions between them are good and you seem to like playing with alliteration
All of it, scorched onto the skin of the earth.
I was the scab on the surface of the world;
Itchy and crusted black with burnt-out dreams,
And the weariness of words not heard.
I was the scar that formed when the scab was scratched; I could tell you to be a little less graphic but I guess it's fine. Just make sure you don't go too far with "pink" and "crusted"
Pink flesh faintly puckered with remembered pain,
Stretched and smoothed by the slow passage of time. very fitting line. Thought I'd tell you
I was the smear of dirt, hurrah, your poem is slowly falling into neat vagueness.
The stain of quirks and confusion,
Of irrational anger and hysteria.
I was music and midnight,
Hope and despair,
Fear and strength.
I scarred and sang and screamed;
I broke and blackened and scorched;
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here.simple and very good ending. you managed to hit a good theme
A little vague and only half-impressionable. I'll forget I ever read this within two or thee days. Or maybe since I said this I won't. You have talent and I'll have to disagree on Vernon's comment that this is navel-gazing. You seemed to agree with him too but I'lll keep my side. Keep going... |
_________________ We rode on the winds of the rising storm
We ran to the sounds of the thunder
We danced among the lightning bolts
And tore the world asunder.
-from the Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan |
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Maria GABRIELLE
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 19 Jul 2008 Posts: 22 Reviews: 6 Country: The boot in the Caribbean 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 12:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hi i'm no poet but that was AMAZING. i wish i could write like u. i always wanted to be a poet but i'm no good. Your poem is has certain parts that are exactly how i feel when i fail to write poetry. Which is everytime i write a sorry excuse for a poem. i could really relate to your character. I am no poet so i can't offer any advice just admiration.  |
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