Topic ID: 30278
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Jesse
Junior Writer
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Country: Where the Sun shines on the day and the moon blooms our love
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 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: The Sun's Eye |
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Walking.
Through the warm august woods,
trees blocking the light.
Down the cobbled path,
Evening sun feeling my face.
To the left of the mirror like pond,
Rays beating down.
Under the bridge,
In the shade for now.
Giant boulders to the right,
Golden skies now.
Out of the woods
And I can stare the sun in the eye. |
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adeleay
Junior Writer
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Country: England
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 8:26 am Post subject: |
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I thought the poem was quite good.
[quote]
Through the warm august woods,
trees blocking the light.
Down the cobbled path,
Evening sun feeling my face.
[/quote]
I don't understand how the light is once blocked and the sun is feeling your face. Unless 'down the cobbled path' means the poem's character have moved along into a more open area of the woods.
Still good work 
Adele x |
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hihi432
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:42 am Post subject: |
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| I LOV IT |
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hihi432
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:47 am Post subject: |
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| Your poem was very touching. as a writer revewer it is fun to write and read bad reveiws. And since this was one of those supercalafragilisticexpialadocious poems, there cant be a single bad thing about this one, i need to give it five stars. The message was probably good because i dont know what it was. you have a future |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 12:16 pm Post subject: Re: The Sun's Eye |
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| Jesse wrote: |
Walking, (Comma not full stop)
Through the warm August woods (August is a Month, please capitalise it)
trees blocking the light. (Too telly, make it more poetic sounding.)
Down the cobbled path,
Evening sun feeling my face. (Feeling such a weak word for this, try stroking or caressing.)
To the left of the mirror like pond, (Very weak, change it to show.)
Rays beating down.
Under the bridge,
In the shade for now.
Giant boulders to the right,
Golden skies now.
Out of the woods
And I can stare the sun in the eye. |
Overall: There is too much too fix here, it isn't that strong and the theme is really explored. You use bland terminology and tell us everything rather than letting us feel it.
Good luck
VSN |
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 1:24 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, I agree Vernon. You really need to let us know what the speaker is feeling like. It's too descriptive. Either get rid of it or keep it to the bare minimum.
Explore with imagery. Instead of:
"In the shade for now."
Try:
"The shade shelters me
From the suffocating heat."
Something like that. As with all powerful writing, NEVER sum up for the audience. Let the thoughts flow; captivate us with something new and fresh!
You need to trust your readers more. If you can do that, you've achieved the first step towards writing glory. Keep going and you will find your voice!
Best wishes,
Gahks |
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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| hihi432 wrote: |
| Your poem was very touching. as a writer revewer it is fun to write and read bad reveiws. And since this was one of those supercalafragilisticexpialadocious poems, there cant be a single bad thing about this one, i need to give it five stars. The message was probably good because i dont know what it was. you have a future |
This was unnecessary and unhelpful. Either please refrain from this sort of comment, or prepare to provide intelligent, sensible reviews.
Thank you.
Gahks |
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Lil_Pau
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271 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 12:19 pm Post subject: |
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This poem was fantastically done! I loved the imagery. But there are some points that you need to improve, though (Vernon has already explained everything, so I won't say more).
You clearly have potential there. Keep it up, and good luck. |
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Eimear
Has Electricity
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370 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Gahks and Vernon. You have a loosely bound poem around the theme of (life?) protrayed through a well-worn image of walking through a forest. I want to give it to your straight, because I think if you take our criticisms away it will improve your writing and make you better equipped to structure this poem. The imagery is cliched, the overall layout is rather dull however I do quite like this last line:
| Quote: |
| And I can stare the sun in the eye. |
Right now, it's a jumble of un-energetic sentences where nothing is resloved.
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear |
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