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Everything Was Silent
Everything Was Silent

by In_the_Moonlight in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 18, 2008
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time to move on my friend
Get over it my friend ch 1
Get over it my friend ch 2
Get over it my friend ch4
Get over it my friend ch 5

Get over it my friend ch 6

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myfreindsavamp   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 2:56 am    Post subject: Get over it my friend ch 6 Reply with quote

review: Draive has been kicked out by her dad and she ran into Chris some how and she fell asleep in his bed. Then she got up and left a little bit later.

___________________________________________________

Draive explained it all to Mrs. M and she was given a change of clothes. She fell asleep on the couch.

______________________________________________________

Chris awoke yet again to his mother’s voice. He kept his eyes closed for a second and then remembered Draive. His eyes flew open and he looked around. She wasn’t there. Good, He thought. A girl in his room was enough to set his mother off, let alone a girl in his bed. He closed his eyes for a second, the smell of her lingered on him. It was a good kind of smell.

…………………………

When he arrived at school he found Draive with her friend, Jess. They were talking. Oh- oH! He went to them.

“- I tend not to see my father.” Draive said.

“Yeah, but how could he be so mean?” Jess asked.

“He was drunk.”

The warning bell rung and Chris walked beside Draive to Spanish. “You know when I woke up your arm was around me.” Draive said, looking forward.

“Oh… Um. Sorry?” Chris asked as he turned a shade of red.

“It’s fine. Thanks though.” She said glancing at him with a smile.

The last bell wrung and just a minute after they walked into Mrs. Francis’s class.

“Ola senior. Seniorita.” She called as they headed for there seats.

“Ola Mrs. Franci.” Draive said. Chris nodded as he sat down beside her.

The hour went by fast and Draive headed down the hall to gym. This wasn’t going to be good.

She changed, lingering in the locker room. When she thought the coach had come out she opened the door. Immediately she was pushed against the wall. A hand was pushed against her throat as Jez stepped up to meet her. He let go of her neck and leaned against the wall.

“You know you want me.” He whispered into her ear.

“Go to hell!” she said shoving him away. He came back, gripping her chin, and kissed her. His lip eventually broke open and a slow trickle of blood ran down her chin.

Draive tried as she might to get his grimy mitts off her but her hands kept fumbling. There was a low rumble of speech that Jez didn't seem to hear, and then eh was pulled away. Draive slid down the wall. She looked up to find the coach and Trey hovering above them.

“So she was telling the truth.” The coach grumbled as he looked down on Jez.

“Ya. Why would a girl lie about being harassed?” Trey asked.

“I have no idea. Get to the office.” Coach said, scatting Jez away.

“You know you’ll come to me. In do time.” He said taking slow, backward steps towards the big gym doors.

“No. And you know it you horny ass dog!” She called after him , as she wiped the blood from her chin.

The hour went by a lot faster than she expected, but by the beginning of the third hour she was called down to the office.

……………………..

As she shut the door behind her Dravie noticed no other student was there. What had she done this time? She sat down. The principle looked up. “Your mother wanted me to give you a message. She said not to go to your house just yet, but by tomorrow your father will be gone.” She looked up from the note card.

“Okay. Got it. May I go now?” Draive asked.

“Yes.” The principle answered.

Draive went out and the rest passed by like a blur. As usual lunch was the last thing of the day. She tossed her tray onto the table, splashing lettuce on to another tray. She looked up and found Chi studying her.

“What?” She asked.

“I’m trying to figure out if you would be able to help me with Spanish. I’m a bit lost.” He said looking back, more clearly at her.

“Ya. I can help you. You know what? You give me a ride and it won’t cost you a thing.” She said.

“Ya. Sounds like a deal.” He agreed.

Chris followed behind Draive as they went out to the lockers. In the hall Jess ran up to her and squeaked out something. “Draive? I just found this hot guy. Wish me luck.” Ad she scurried off.

“She got over her moping? Good.” She said out loud, as she reached her locker. She opened it and grabbed her book bag. Chris stood there, bag in hand, waiting.

“Let’s go.” She said, now following him.

(Sorry not he best I've written. I have to admit.)


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Last edited by myfreindsavamp on Tue May 20, 2008 1:25 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Amber!


I shortened your line breaks. Don't make them so long, or it stretched out the front page funny. Thanks!

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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good story line. I think it was as excellent as the other ones that you have posted. This was a great chapter!

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Last edited by Writing for love is a pas on Mon Jun 02, 2008 9:12 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 8:41 pm    Post subject: Flat. Reply with quote

Still way too much like Twilight, definitely. Try to think of your own storyline, not one you read in a book that, even with the interesting storyline, was certainly not that well written.
I would suggest dumping the story and starting afresh; it's just too cliche to be all that exciting.
However, I will help by editing a few parts that caught my eye:

Quote:
His eyes flew open and he looked around. She wasn’t there. Good, he thought. A girl in his room was enough to set his mother off, let alone a girl in his bed.


I emboldened the parts that I fixed.

Also, I suggest you stop putting 'ya' at the beginning of so much of your dialogue. If you have to use it that much, at least spell it correctly: 'Yeah'.

Quote:
The warning bell wrung and Chris followed walked beside Draive to Spanish. “You know when I woke up your arm was around me.” Draive said, looking forward.


(Oh, and I believe it is 'hola' not 'ola'.)

Quote:
A hand was pushed against her throught throat as Jez stepped up to meet her.


Quote:
“Go tot hell!” she said shoving him away. He came back, gripping her chin, and kissed her. His lip eventually broke open and a slow trickle of blood ran down her chin.


What do you mean, 'eventually broke open'? How does that make sense, exactly?

Quote:
There was a low rumble of speech that Jez didn’t hear and after a few seconds or so he was ripped off her.


That kind of detracts from the tension, to say 'a few seconds or so'. It sounds like your talking about something you don't really find interesting, and that bores the reader. Try it more like this:
'There was a low rumble of speech that Jez didn't seem to hear, and then eh was pulled away, Draive sliding to the floor as she took in what was going on.'
Or something of that sort. ^^

Quote:
She called after him , as she whipped the blood from her chin


I think you mean 'wiped', not whipped. And it would sound better like this: 'she called after him, wiping the blood from her chin.'

There were a few more mistakes, but other people will probably find those.

Now, to the plot.
As I said before, it really seems too much like Twilight. Trust me, I just read the book, and it is a lot like that book. Now, my suggestion would be to scrap this, and begin with an idea of your own. I'm only saying so because I can see your talent, and I know you can do better than copy someone else's story. Other than that, I can only wish you good luck, whatever you do. ^^

-Sela

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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am about to go to the editing but how is it like Twilight?

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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I don't see how it's like Twilight...

Anyway, there were typos but Sela got the ones I saw.
Okay, about the principal giving her the message from her mom... Eh, it's not very believeable. The school would do something about that. Maybe have Mrs. M give her the message. Very Happy More believeable.

Well I like where the story is going! I can't wait to read more. Keep me posted Wink

~Rachael

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:17 am    Post subject: Re: Get over it my friend ch 6 Reply with quote

myfreindsavamp wrote:
review: Draive has been kicked out by her dad and she ran into Chris some how and she fell asleep in his bed. Then she got up and left a little bit later.
___________________________________________________

Draive explained it all to Mrs. M and she was given a change of clothes. She fell asleep on the couch.
______________________________________________________
Chris awoke yet again to his mother’s voice. He kept his eyes closed for a second and then remembered Draive. His eyes flew open and he looked around. She wasn’t there. Good, He thought. A girl in his room was enough to set his mother off, let alone a girl in his bed. He closed his eyes for a second, the smell of her lingered on him. It was a good kind of smell.
…………………………
When he arrived at school he found Draive with her friend, Jess. They were talking. Uh-Oh! He went to them.

“- I tend not to see my father.” Draive said.

“Yeah, but how could he be so mean?” Jess asked.

“He was drunk.”

The warning bell rung and Chris walked beside Draive to Spanish. “You know when I woke up your arm was around me.” Draive said, looking forward.

“Oh… Um. Sorry?” Chris asked as he turned a shade of red.

“It’s fine. Thanks though.” She said glancing at him with a smile.

The last bell wrung and just a minute after they walked into Mrs. Francis’s class.

Hola senior. <--- that doesn't make sense so you might want to take it out. Senorita.” She called as they headed for there seats. Oh sorry bout the Spanish corrections I'm spanish and it bugs me when something is wrong in spanish hahaHola Mrs. Franci.” Draive said. Chris nodded as he sat down beside her.

The hour went by fast and Draive headed down the hall to gym. This wasn’t going to be good.

She changed, lingering in the locker room. When she thought the coach had come out she opened the door. Immediately she was pushed against the wall. A hand was pushed against her throat as Jez stepped up to meet her. He let go of her neck and leaned against the wall.

“You know you want me.” He whispered into her ear.

“Go to hell!” she said shoving him away. He came back, gripping her chin, and kissed her. His lip eventually broke open and a slow trickle of blood ran down her chin.

Draive tried as she might to get his grimy mitts off her but her hands kept fumbling. There was a low rumble of speech that Jez didn't seem to hear, and then he was pulled away. Draive slid down the wall. She looked up to find the coach and Trey hovering above them.

“So, she was telling the truth.” The coach grumbled as he looked down on Jez.

Yeah. Why would a girl lie about being harassed?” Trey asked.

“I have no idea. Get <--- doesn't make sense. Change it to go to the office.” Coach said, scatting Jez away.

“You know you’ll come to me. In do time.” He said taking slow, backward steps towards the big gym doors.

“No. And you know it you horny ass dog!” She called after him , as she wiped the blood from her chin.

The hour went by a lot faster than she expected, but by the beginning of the third hour she was called down to the office.
……………………..
As she shut the door behind her Dravie noticed no other student was there. What had she done this time? She sat down. The principle looked up. “Your mother wanted me to give you a message. She said not to go to your house just yet, but by tomorrow your father will be gone.” She looked up from the note card.

“Okay. Got it. May I go now?” Draive asked.

“Yes.” The principle answered.

Draive went out and the rest passed by like a blur. As usual lunch was the last thing of the day. She tossed her tray onto the table, splashing lettuce on to another tray. She looked up and found Chris studying her.

“What?” She asked.

“I’m trying to figure out if you would be able to help me with Spanish. I’m a bit lost.” He said looking back, more clearly at her.

Yeah. I can help you. You know what? You give me a ride and it won’t cost you a thing.” She said.

Yeah. Sounds like a deal.” He agreed.

Chris followed behind Draive as they went out to the lockers. In the hall Jess ran up to her and squeaked out something. “Draive? I just found this hot guy. Wish me luck.” Ad she scurried off.

“She got over her moping? Good.” She said out loud, as she reached her locker. She opened it and grabbed her book bag. Chris stood there, bag in hand, waiting.

“Let’s go.” She said, now following him.
(Sorry not he best I've written. I have to admit.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, I really like this! Those are all the mistakes I found. I really like this and want to read more! Please PM if you need any reviewing or help and...WHEN YOU POST CHAPTER 7! I really like this! Haha!

Krisy
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