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scasha
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:10 pm Post subject: Chapter 1, The Duty {Being Edited} |
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OKay, I'm revising this story again, so stay tuned. |
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Last edited by scasha on Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:17 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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Firestar
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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Very interesting!!! I really liked how it flowed along. I'm not really a person who picks the story apart, piece by piece, so I'll just show you one part that really stood out in you're mistakes.
"Suddenly, a booming voice erupted in the room. Suddenly, the room swam before my eyes and my world descended into darkness. I awoke to find all of the order hovering above me."
Did you notice it? I would change it to something like this.
Suddenly, a booming voice erupted in the room. The room swam before my eyes and my world descended into darkness. I awoke to find all of the order hovering above me. |
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bkwrm
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 6:41 pm Post subject: |
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This is alright but I find one thing a little strange - why doesn't she feel some sort of affinity for the amulet when she first has it, instead of after she's been told that she's the only one who can use it? It doesn't make sense. other than that it was okay, but it didn't really have any pace which made it a little boring.
Keep writing,
Bkwrm |
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nightshine
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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i loved it. really great story and its very well written. i would love to see a full-length version of this story. i hope this isnt all your going to write. original and easy to get into, well at least it was for me. i like how you discribed the specters but maybe it could have used a little more. i dont know. also, i would like a little more backround info on Melody and the Protectors.
other than that I thought you did really well. good job. =] |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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These were a kickbutt ensemble of 1000 words! I liked how much character you managed to squeeze into each small part, and the descriptions were awesome.
I agree with nightshine that even more would be great. I'd like to see this story continue and grow.
The one type that I could find was here:
| Quote: |
| I took off my white gloves which prevented my own magic from burning me. |
Also, near the beginning:
| Quote: |
A piercing cackle sounded through the air making the hairs on my arms prickle.
“You can’t hide from us dearie,” it continued. “All we want is to talk to you”.
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I put an extra space between the two paragraphs, since the dialogue is new and by another speaker.
Anyway, the only other real criticism I have for the piece is the whole prophesy at the end. I'm not a huge fan of the prophesied hero, preferring the ordinary person who has to really work to get the job done. It is your story, so you can treat it however you wish, but perhaps a more original idea would be that no one is able to use the medallion, so they assign her to it to force it to work to her will or something like that. Then the medallion becomes as much of an adversary as whatever she is fighting. I dunno, it's just ideas, but one that would be a little fresher than a prophesy that only the hero can fulfill.
In any case, fabulous work here. You have some major talent!
~GryphonFledgling |
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Lynn
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject: |
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not bad i liked it.
a few things confused me though
[quote] I reached down to put my hand on the familiar hilt of my knife. my fingers grasped at air
instead you might consider something els because that sounds a little strange. maybe try this: I reached down to put my hand on the familiar hilt of my knife. However all I felt was air.
[quote] Momma had warned me about them, the specters.
who is Momma?
maybe describe this person a little ao we know who you are talking about.
other than that is was really good!  |
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scasha
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:17 am Post subject: |
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Thanks everyone! I'll definitley switch the ending (great idea gryphonfledgling!) I like that kind of ending better. I probably will continue it but it has to be short so I'll have to do more squeezing 
So yeah i'll definitley check out everyone's suggestions |
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:41 am Post subject: |
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well, what have we here, another work of schasa. an exellent piece, really.
*applaudes* this was great, you really got me into it. a agree with the other reviewers, it does need some more little things:
-the first diolougue kind of seems like the one a parent would use, try make it a bit more evil.
-a bit more description about the protectors and what she was supposed to do as her task
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| Quote: |
The specter looked insulted. She came inches within my face her eyes hardening. “Give it to me. Now,†she commanded, her voice losing its smooth tone.
“No,†I said, my voice stronger than before.
She looked angry now, and she came closer to me. |
i thought that the specter was already close to her plus if she were that angry it woulldn't be the best thing to say.
- in the beginning it seemed like the specters were really feared but as soon as you put magic to the story it kinda takes the best effect away
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| Quote: |
| The specter circled me. I delved deeper this time into my power reserves and spiraled out a whirlwind of blue heat from my palms. It encapsulated the specter, forming a cage like barrier around her ghostly form. |
you should make the specter have some sort of resistance
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| Quote: |
| She continued, “And so, the real battle begins.†And with that she disappeared. |
wasn't she in a cage some time ago ?
except these things i loved the story. |
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scasha
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Hey everyone! Thanks for all the feedback. So I rewrote it and I was wondering if you all think it's anybetter, still needs work, or isn't quite there just yet. Let me know! I appreciate it |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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I decided to copy/paste this.
Easier to read and Easier to correct! 
Chapter One
“Melody”.
I froze, my heartbeat quickening as I glanced from side to side. I wasn’t supposed to be here. How did they know my name? Ignoring the call, I slipped into a dark alleyway, glancing over my shoulder back at the street. I reached down to put my hand on the familiar hilt of my knife. My fingers grasped at air. I felt my stomach drop. This was the worst night to leave that weapon behind.
A piercing cackle sounded through the air [comma] making the hairs on my arms prickle. “You can’t hide from us dearie,” it continued. “All we want is to talk to you”.
I looked down at the medallion in my hand. Its red light burned with an internal fire. It was warm in my hand, almost reassuring me. I felt it, the power of it, nearly reel me into its ruby depths. My head snapped back up as I remembered that I was supposed to be fleeing for my life, not staring at the jewel.
“You’ll be my undoing,” I whispered to it, tucking it under my tunic.
I heard the whisper of a silken cloth and whirled around, but saw nothing except the dark night stretched in front of me. It was never good to just wait for their approach. My mom had always warned me [comma] when I was little about them, the specters. They were monsters that no one knew existed, except us. [this is a fragment. Add "the order" to the sentence before it and use a semi-colon inbetween] The order. And this was duty of the order, we were the protectors.
I quickened my pace, wishing that I had taken the easier novice assignment. I wanted to become one of the higher members so bad I had accepted this case without a thought. Now [comma] I was beginning to regret my decision. I could hear them coming, and I began running blindly down the side-streets of Brita. The roads of our village were always barren at night. No one was allowed out past dusk. It’s when they would come out to feast on human’s that weren’t supposed to be there. Like me.
“Melody, I see you,” the sweet voice called out again, its tones vibrating against the walls. I tried to keep running, but my feet were rooted to the ground. Panic built up in my chest. They had me. I struggled against their magic as it paralyzed my legs, but it did no good. They were getting closer. I tried to calm myself down. Focus, I urged my mind, willing it to combat the fear that the specter had begun spreading through my veins. Slowly, as I became more in control of myself, my heart returned to its normal patter. This is what the order had taught us. Never let fear get the better of you.
A pale white form materialized in front of my eyes. This one was female. Her sharp teeth glistened in the moonlight, her beady black eyes standing out against her white skin and hair. She traced my face with a long finger. I breathed slowly, ignoring her touch, desensitizing myself from her cold presence.
“I believe you have something of ours. We’d love for you to return it,” she purred, stepping back.
I could feel the red ruby burning hotly against my leg. Something about it was comforting and suddenly, I no longer felt under the specter’s control. [okay, I know what you are trying to say here, when she says she is no longer under the specter's control...but it seems kind of out of place in your writing. Maybe try to reword??] I replied, “No. It wasn’t yours in the first place.”
The specter looked insulted. She came inches within my face [comma] her eyes hardening. “Give it to me. Now,” she commanded, her voice losing its smooth tone.
“No,” I said, keeping my voice strong.
She looked angry now, and she came closer to me. “Well, it’s too bad. I already ate today. But [comma] I guess a little more nourishment won’t do any harm.”
My eyes widened. Where the hell is Merlyn? If he doesn’t get here soon, even if I do get away, I’m screwed. [thoughts need to be in italics] I waited a few more moments as the specter reached out to touch my arm with an extremely pointy fingernail. I shook off the shivers that the specter sent across my body, trying to focus on the lessons I had been taking the past few months with the order. Now was the time to act. I delved deep into my mind and tugged at my novice powers. Just as she was about to scratch me with her poisonous nail, I pushed the blue string of magic out of my fingertips, towards the creature. The specter cried out in pain as a shield of magic came between us.
Suddenly, a black silhouette popped out of the darkness next to me. This figure was different than the specter. It didn’t float, instead it seemed to have trouble untangling itself from the trash cans.
“Melody, we have to get out of here,” it cried. I knew it was Merlyn. The scardey-cat. Always came out at the last possible moment. [thoughts, again, need to be in italics]
“Easy for you to say,” I grimaced [comma] pushing my magic against the specter’s image. Suddenly, my magic faltered, the specter breaking through the barrier.
I fell back onto the hard ground. This wasn’t supposed to happen, it never happened. [thoughts in italics] I was shocked, my arms shaking. Specters had little magic of their own; they could barely measure up to that of mages. Merlyn grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet as the specter again began its approach. She looked angry, her white skinned burned with patches of red where she had been scorched by my shield.
“Let’s get out of here,” Merlyn whispered.
I shook his arm off. “The captain wanted a prisoner this time. If we don’t get one, it’ll be the devil to pay,” I snapped.
Merlyn stepped behind me. He was never good with magic. He was lucky to have me to take care of all the dirty work. [now, you switched from talking about Merlyn back to the specter. You need to make that transition smoother. You went back too quickly] The specter circled me. I delved deeper this time into my power reserves and spiraled out a whirlwind of blue heat from my palms. The specter fought against it, trying to escaped the wire that I now tried to twist around her figure. She clawed away from it, but I pushed harder. Finally, it encapsulated the specter, forming a cage like barrier around her ghostly form.
“We ready now?” Merlyn asked and I rolled my eyes. The sounds of other specters came screeching through the night. I didn’t think it was wise to stick around and wait for them. [I'm not sure why, but this sentence was weird to me. It just didn't sound right. Try reading it outloud and maybe you'll see what I mean...or maybe I'm just weird  lol]
“Time to leave,” He grabbed onto my arm and with a pop we disappeared from the night. Moments later I found myself at the center of the order’s headquarters. I shook my head. The only thing that Merlyn was good for was teleporting.
I looked up to find that I was surrounded by the other members. The captain, a middle-aged man with a scar that ran from his left eye down to his chin, looked up from his paperwork.
“Do you have it?” he asked. The buzzing in the room fell silent. I nodded and approached his desk. I placed the captured specter and the red necklace on his desk.
He nodded, “Well done novice, well done.” Everyone waited with baited breath as he turned toward the woman. “How do you use the stone?” he asked, his voice stern.
[all right, I had no idea that Merlyn had teleported with the specter. You need to make that more clear] The specter smiled, baring her teeth and then cried out in pain as the barbed blue wire of her cage scraped against her arm. “What makes you think I’ll tell you,” she snickered.
The captain frowned. “Threatening you with death might do the trick.”
[specter is talking, so you should click enter since it is a new person talking] The specter just scoffed, flipping her white hair over her shoulder. “I’m already dead my dear.”
The captain swore under his breath. He shot a purple glare of light into the cage. The spirit gnashed its teeth. “You have no idea what you’re dealing with,” the specter said, its beady eyes turning a bright red. The specter turned to face me, waved her fingers in my direction, and said, “I’ll be seeing you again, Melody. You can count on it.” She wrapped a poisonous nail around the wire
“I’ll beat you wherever and whenever you disgusting bottom-feeder,” I replied, glaring at our captor.
She nodded, “We'll see.” Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain scrape against my arm and I fell to the floor. The specter had managed to yank away part of the magic cage with her nail, tearing a piece of my magic from me. My arm bled from the wound, and I stood up, trying to repair the breech. Without warning [comma] the specter disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“Damn it,” the captain cried out, seeing that the specter was gone. “We needed her.” He turned around to glare at me. “How are we going to find out how to use the stone [comma] now?”
I turned, surprised. He stepped towards me, his crooked nose inches away from my own. “Since you managed to anger it and somehow enabled it to get away, you’re the one who’s going to figure out how to use the necklace,” he hissed in my ear.
My heart dropped into my stomach for the second time today. “But…” I protested, but he silenced me with his hand.
“If you don’t, we’ll expel you from the order,” he said. “Consider this your challenge.” He placed the stone into my outstretched hand and turned to address the rest of the group. “Return to your rounds,” he ordered, sending two of the older protectors out into the night. Everyone began to return to their tasks, the room returning to its original busy state. [you use "return" twice in one sentence. You need to switch at least one of them to a different word]
I swallowed hard and looked down at the jewel. Something, very much like a connection, pulled me towards it. I shrugged the feeling off and secured the chain around my neck. Merlyn came towards me, shaking his head.
“What do you want?” I snapped, making my way out of the headquarters and into the barracks.
He looked surprised at my outburst, but he had been around me enough to be able to deal with my heated temper. “Does this mean I won’t get promoted?” he finally asked, looking up at me from under his square spectacles.
I shoved him in the shoulder. “That’s all you can think about, Mr. Teleportation?” I cried out, exasperated.
Merlyn just shrugged, “It was worth a try. It’s been such a strange night I think we deserve the promotion to higher levels because of our bravery.”
“You mean my bravery, right?” I took off my boots, placing them underneath my bed.
Merlyn ignored my comment. It was always better off for him not to argue with me. “It’s just that specters never were able to cross the shield line before, you know? Or break out of magicked cages.”
I nodded, turning around to face him. “It was weird. They even knew my name,” I added [comma] pulling down the sheets of my bed.
Merlyn hesitated but then [comma] just shrugged his shoulders again, “Well, good luck. Get some rest, I’m about to pass out [comma] I’m so tired.”
“Yeah, from standing and watching me save your sorry little butt, huh?” I said to his retreating back. He just shook his head, disappearing through the stone archway.
I pulled my tunic off and put on my night shirt. I placed my knife back into the waistband of my shorts. Surprise specter attacks were never frequent on our hovel, but tonight it seemed as though anything could happen.
I slipped under the covers, the sounds of the order, those who worked around the clock, recede into the distance. [connect these two with an "and", like this: I slipped under the covers, the sound of the order, those who worked around the clock, recede into the distance and, I slipped into darkness.]
I like it so far!
I have a nice feel for the characters and the setting is good.
The only thing that caught my attention is how you seemed to rush some things. Like, specter attack and then, the evil  guy that I have grown to dislike, I might add...anyway, those went too fast for me.
Slip in some descriptions as well. It seemed a bit dull along those lines.
Otherwise, you have created a very cool world. With specters and magical people and everything else.
Nice Work!  |
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Last edited by ashleylee on Mon May 19, 2008 10:36 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 1:10 pm Post subject: |
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scasha,
I didn’t read the original chapter, but I’ll critique this. As always, a line-by-line one will be followed by any impressions and comments that I might have. Edit: Damn, I had a nice critique typed up, but then the program closed. And the Processor recovered only so much… Eh.
Quote:
“Melody”.
Period before quote.
Quote:
“You can’t hide from us dearie,”
Another comma before “dearie”
Quote:
It was warm in my hand,
We already know it’s in your hand, that part about it being warm you can put in the previous sentence, the one saying the same thing.
Quote:
I felt it, the power of it, nearly reel me into its ruby depths.
Hmm, consider rephrasing, e.g. “I felt the power of it nearly reel me into its ruby depths.” That was just a suggestion, but rephrased, I think, it has to be.
Quote:
My head snapped back up as I remembered that I was supposed to be fleeing for my life, not staring at the jewel.
Nice one.
Quote:
“You’ll be my undoing,” I whispered to it, tucking it under my tunic.
I heard the whisper of a silken
Whisper, whisper.
Quote:
And this was duty of the order, we were the protectors.
Hmm, the part was interesting, even very so, yet I don’t understand this.
Quote:
I wanted to become one of the higher members so bad I had accepted this case without a thought.
I add that not usually necessary “that” up there, to rid of the awkwardness.
Quote:
“No,” I said, keeping my voice strong.
Voice, voice. The usage of the one above can, and should, be avoided.
Quote:
My eyes widened. Where the hell is Merlyn?
Is that a time change I spy?
Quote:
It didn’t float, instead it seemed to have trouble untangling itself from the trash cans.
Semicolon.
Quote;
“Melody, we have to get out of here,” it cried. I knew it was Merlyn. The scardey-cat. Always came out at the last possible moment.
Heh.
Quote:
He was never good with magic. He was lucky to have me to take care of all the dirty work. The specter circled me.
From Merlyn to the specter… so fast. Perhaps make two separate paragraphs? Or, if you’d rather not, then smoothen the transition?
Quote:
“Time to leave,” He grabbed
Period, not comma.
Quote:
He nodded, “Well done novice, well done.”
Period.
Quote:
“I’m already dead my dear.”
Comma up there.
Quote:
“I’ll beat you wherever and whenever you disgusting bottom-feeder,”
Comma after “whenever”
Quote:
“Damn it,” the captain cried out, seeing that the specter was gone. “We needed her.” He turned around to glare at me.
Elaborate!
Quote:
“Does this mean I won’t get promoted?” he finally asked, looking up at me from under his square spectacles.
Haha.
Quote:
Get some rest, I’m about to pass out I’m so tired.”
Run-on, a tad bit.
Quote:
I slipped under the covers, the sounds of the order, those who worked around the clock, recede into the distance. I slipped into darkness.
Slipped, and slipped again.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL…
- “the order”. And important part of the story - why not capitalized? It’d stand out more that way, it’d be emphasized.
- times. Though admittedly, only once *smiles* Otherwise it was okay,
- the part after teleporting. That, after all the description (lovely description!) that you got me used to, was a disappointment. So fast, so rash, as if you wanted to get it over with already.
- punctuation, slightly.
- the captain. Of all your characters (who are quite good, alive and three-dimensional) only he seems a bit flat. I understand I’m supposed to not like him (in the least) yet it’s only apathy that I feel when it comes to him.
FANTASTIC!
- descriptions of how she originally fought with the specter - those were very vivid, and helped me visualize the whole situations. Points for you on that.
- plot, in general. Looks very original.
- the amusing bits, and Merlyn in general.
- vocabulary.
Well, that would be all. Thanks for posting,
Esme |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 10:37 pm Post subject: |
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Scasha:
Hey!
I finished posting my review. It is up above in the post I did before. ^^^^
Hope it helped |
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-cauan-
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah this story was very good Is it going to continue? Let me know because I would like to read more of this material. My favourite character is Merlyn |
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tanith14
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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Hey scasha, just thought I would take a look at something you wrote since you have been helping me so much.
I love your characters and your character interaction was pretty good. I must admit I was pretty hooked from the start because you did a good job creating an atmosphere that felt real.
Also, your vocabulary was exceptional.
| Quote: |
| It was never good to just wait for their approach. |
Consider rewording. I am having a terrible time of thinking how to change it... but I think it needs to be changed.
I suppose this is just personal preference.
| Quote: |
| My mom had always warned me when I was little about them, the specters. They were monsters that no one knew existed, except us. The order. And this was duty of the order, we were the protectors. |
These are fragments, I think you could go back and either make the sentences shorter and break it up a little or do the opposite and try and combine them into one.
Example: My mom always warned me when I was little about the specters. No one knew these monsters, except those in the Order; I was a protector.
Just a broad note, capitalize Order.
| Quote: |
| Slowly, as I became more in control of myself, my heart returned to its normal patter. This is what the order had taught us. Never let fear get the better of you. |
I think there is a colon instead of a period after taught us, but perhaps not.
| Quote: |
| I swallowed hard and looked down at the jewel. Something, very much like a connection, pulled me towards it. I shrugged the feeling off and secured the chain around my neck. Merlyn came towards me, shaking his head. |
You use the word towards twice, try a different one the 2nd time.
I think you need to add more description about HQ and the barracks in there, even if it is just a little here and there.
Otherwise it would seem like everyone else has touched on what I saw. Overall a very good piece, great work. I think you could elaborate on some descriptions some more for good measure. I love the story so far. |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Jul 2007
Posts: 382
Reviews: 107
Country: anywhere there's pen and paper
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:49 am Post subject: |
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Great job!
All right, onto the crit:
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| Its red light burned with an internal fire. |
How is there a red light? Is it being emitted from the medallion? If so, say that.
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It was warm in my hand, almost reassuring me. |
Sounds better
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| My mom had always warned me when I was little about them, the specters. They were monsters that no one knew existed, except us. The order. And this was duty of the order, we were the protectors. |
There's a lot of info-dumping in this part, try to spread it out a bit so that it's not a huge block of info in one spot.
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| I quickened my pace, wishing that I had taken the easier novice assignment. |
This sentence is a little awkward, either nix "novice" (because it's not exactly needed) or put "Novice Assignment" in caps to show its importance
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| come out to feast on human’s that weren’t supposed to be there. |
you don't need an apostrophe on "humans" (Apostrophes show possesion and there is no possesion in this context)
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| Now was the time to act. I delved deep into my mind and tugged at my novice powers. |
Again, I think you should capatilize "novice" to show how important it is.
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| I knew it was Merlyn. The scardey-cat. |
(Scaredy-cat)
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her white skinned burned with patches of red |
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trying to escaped the wire |
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| I placed the captured specter and the red necklace on his desk. |
For some reason, I thought that the specters were human size, how would she be able to set it on his desk though? Please explain
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| Surprise specter attacks were never frequent on our hovel, |
This sentence is awkward because of the "never frequent" part, try something that makes a little more sense.
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| I slipped under the covers, the sounds of the order, those who worked around the clock, recede into the distance. |
Make "I slipped under the covers" and "the sounds of the order..." two different sentences, it'll flow much better that way.
A few suggestions:
put novice, specter/s, the order, higher level/s, and protector/s in caps because it makes them seem more important, and I'm pretty sure that it's grammatically correct So it'll be like this: Novice, Specter/s, The Order, Higher Level/s, and Protector/s.
When they come to The Order it all seems really informal, when I picture The Order I imagine a huge important building with different social classes and such, but when I actually see it I'm a little disappointed because it seems like a whole bunch of kids in somebody's basement just hanging out - you've really developed your characters well, but try to imagine The Order as a character and show its many qualities and etc. because it is just as important as your characters and should be just as developed as them too. For starters, maybe make the captain a little distant from Melody instead of giving off the feel of them being buddy-buddy and then he gets upset with her. Think of some rules of The Order, do they accept failure, what happens if someone fails? What's the general atmosphere of The Order, boring and cold or warm, fun, and inviting?
Overall: Excellent job! I love your descriptions, I feel like I'm right there with Melody.
All right, I'm off to read Chapter two!
~Onceuponatim3xo |
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