Topic ID: 30299
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XxXSerenityStillXxX
Why So Serious!! Lets Put a Smile On This Face :D
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 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: Somebody else's life |
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Whats wrong with me?
Is it the fact that i'll never see you again?
How am I meant to live?
Meant to keep sane?
I already feel like killing myself,
I push my face into my pillow and cry every night,
Will you save me if I fall?
Would you catch me,
Or would you let my drown in my tears,
Knowing you'll never love me,
I don't even know what all this means,
Who is this person?
Am I crazy?
Or is this a suicide note...
Not for me,then whom?
I won't die and I never want to,
I want to live!
Someone else's life......... |
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Eimear
Has Electricity
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 10:51 pm Post subject: |
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Will review in the morning. Here's my promise.
Eimear |
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If you don't like my apples,
don't steal from my tree.
I'm not after your boyfriend,
he's after me.
-Traditional- |
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tensazangetsu329
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 12:31 pm Post subject: nice |
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It is nice, yet depressing, but thats okay because I don't show much emotion. Meloncholy! Anyways, it is pretty good, however, you may want to check the grammer. One sentince or section said my when it was supposed to say me.
~Jacob Myers~
here to tell the vampires' side of the story |
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Eimear
Has Electricity
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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OK, so I agree; it's a bit depressing however underwhelming at the same time. Questions can be effective in poetry but too many will just leave the reader feeling mildly annoyed. I would suggest one to open with.
Other than that, I felt that there was no belivable emotion behind the energy. The imagery is too sparse and cliched for me to think you've taken your time to write this.
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear xx |
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If you don't like my apples,
don't steal from my tree.
I'm not after your boyfriend,
he's after me.
-Traditional- |
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tensazangetsu329
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject: however |
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A lot of questions, though they can be annoying at time, other times can add to the intrigue of the story. I red a poem once that was nothing, but questions. it was wierd, though. You may want to use it in moderation.
like a good meal, moderation is the key |
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Kakburken
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:33 am Post subject: |
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You're describing chaos and confusion within, an agreeable topic if ever there was one. However, it rings a little hollow in my ears. You've painted the outline, but haven't filled out the form with this poem. If you want a piece like this to work I think you'd have to really dig into the juicy details of why you're feeling like you are, why would you want to live someone elses life? Just the fact that someone you love doesn't love you back, in the midst of teenage confusion, doesn't quite cut it for me. Sure, it sucks, but enough to back up a statement like that?
Also, I´m sorry to say that some of the lines you've chosen to use feels a bit old. We've heard this before, and even though what is written here might be absolutely true, and the feelings described will be forever current to a lot of people, you need a fresh way if writing it or a new angle to really catch the reader. Otherwhise you risk getting dismissed as cliché.
In conclusion, with a more vivid imagery and a deeper insight into the underlying currents this poem could become strong. As it stands I think it needs a little more work.
/Kind regards, Kakburken. |
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'Cause baby I´m a lazy thrillseeker, I hang at home watching horror movies while you're in the dark dropping smiley groovies. |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:08 am Post subject: |
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Hey Serenity! Long time no see.
First, I must say, this poem has a lot of promise. You've got the emotion... you just don't have the right words. Eimear was right, those questions do get a little annoying. Try losing some of them and taking more time to write out what you feel and elaborate a bit.
Hope I helped... That's the best I can give you. |
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XxXSerenityStillXxX
Why So Serious!! Lets Put a Smile On This Face :D
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Country: 30 seconds away from mars :P
316 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks dudes |
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Do you LIVE! Do you DIE! Do you BLEED for the Fantasy! Why So Serious!! Lets Put a Smile On This Face :D RIP HEATH LEDGER |
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