Topic ID: 30279
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RoryLegend
Normal isn't really my style
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 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: Edward |
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Eyes that refuse to see
Search the world
Stare out the window
And pray for a better view
Ears that will not hear
Strain to catch the whispers
Listen to the lies
And long to silence the world
A mouth denied taste
Licks it's lips in desperation
Can not stistfy it's hunger
And waters for the sensation
A nose robbed of smell
Can not stop to sniff the roses
Can not breathe in your scent
And welcomes a chance to revive
A touch that can't feel
Reaches out in hope
Is only inches away
And crys for freedom
A heart with out a beat
A person with out a soul
That's all that remained of me
When you left me all alone
I pray you will come home
So I can hate you for all you have done
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So obviously there is no punctuation but that is slightly on purpose and slightly because I didn't know what punctuation to use...help?
Just let me know what you think... |
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myfreindsavamp
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:05 am Post subject: Re: Edward |
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[quote="RoryLegend"]
And pray for a better view
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I think we all pray for a better view, but what better view?
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And long to silence the world
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Silencing the world would be good. 
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Can not stistfy it's hunger
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satisfy not stistfy...
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And welcomes a chance to revive
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Revive from a breakup?
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I pray you will come home
So I can hate you for all you have done
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I pray too so you can scorn his but! 
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So obviously there is no punctuation but that is slightly on purpose and slightly because I didn't know what punctuation to use...help?
e know whatquote]
Sorry I have no idea how to put punctuation in either...
Pretty good over all. Hope you get more help on the punctuation. See ya! |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:49 am Post subject: |
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Rory, I believe right now, you concentrate on too many ideas, which doesn't let any of them be developed that great. My suggestion is you limit yourself to one or two ideas and develope it fully. As poetry should at least make sense, but the context, it seems more like a few small poems. So if you wish to make this better limit yourself and remember rather than telling us show it.
Overall: Some lines had merit, but none of the stanza really developed the same feeling. Just work on what the poem will end like and develope one or two ideas fully, not letting all the feelings be undeveloped, and vague is good, but as I said none of this make sense in the context. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN |
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enzoguy15
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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Rory, I believe right now, you concentrate on too many ideas, which doesn't let any of them be developed that great. My suggestion is you limit yourself to one or two ideas and develope it fully. As poetry should at least make sense, but the context, it seems more like a few small poems. So if you wish to make this better limit yourself and remember rather than telling us show it.
Overall: Some lines had merit, but none of the stanza really developed the same feeling. Just work on what the poem will end like and develope one or two ideas fully, not letting all the feelings be undeveloped, and vague is good, but as I said none of this make sense in the context. Hope this helps. |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 6:40 pm Post subject: |
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This is the sort of thing I love. The type of poem that you can easily imagine yourself in, feeling these types of emotions, such as staring out a window and straining to hear someone esle. Great stuff, well done.
You've protrayed the emotions and theme powerfully in greyish imagery, however my only rub is the moving through the senses. Like Vernon I agree that you're using too much in one poem. Maybe even try focusing on one aspect? It got a little tiring to read, because I predicted what was going to happen next.
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Stare out the window
And pray for a better view |
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I pray you will come home
So I can hate you for all you have done |
Best wishes,
Eimear |
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