Topic ID: 30299
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XxXSerenityStillXxX
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Mar 2008
Posts: 250
Reviews: 13
Country: 30 seconds away from mars :P
64 Points
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 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: Somebody else's life |
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Whats wrong with me?
Is it the fact that i'll never see you again?
How am I meant to live?
Meant to keep sane?
I already feel like killing myself,
I push my face into my pillow and cry every night,
Will you save me if I fall?
Would you catch me,
Or would you let my drown in my tears,
Knowing you'll never love me,
I don't even know what all this means,
Who is this person?
Am I crazy?
Or is this a suicide note...
Not for me,then whom?
I won't die and I never want to,
I want to live!
Someone else's life......... |
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Eimear
You've got to pick a poet or two
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 537
Reviews: 274
Country: Beside the sea, Ireland
2524 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 10:51 pm Post subject: |
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Will review in the morning. Here's my promise.
Eimear |
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'I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference'
-Robert Frost- |
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tensazangetsu329
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 8
Country: United States of America
295 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 12:31 pm Post subject: nice |
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It is nice, yet depressing, but thats okay because I don't show much emotion. Meloncholy! Anyways, it is pretty good, however, you may want to check the grammer. One sentince or section said my when it was supposed to say me.
~Jacob Myers~
here to tell the vampires' side of the story |
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Eimear
You've got to pick a poet or two
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 537
Reviews: 274
Country: Beside the sea, Ireland
2524 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:11 pm Post subject: |
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OK, so I agree; it's a bit depressing however underwhelming at the same time. Questions can be effective in poetry but too many will just leave the reader feeling mildly annoyed. I would suggest one to open with.
Other than that, I felt that there was no belivable emotion behind the energy. The imagery is too sparse and cliched for me to think you've taken your time to write this.
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear xx |
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'I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference'
-Robert Frost- |
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tensazangetsu329
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Posts: 27
Reviews: 8
Country: United States of America
295 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject: however |
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A lot of questions, though they can be annoying at time, other times can add to the intrigue of the story. I red a poem once that was nothing, but questions. it was wierd, though. You may want to use it in moderation.
like a good meal, moderation is the key |
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XxXSerenityStillXxX
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Mar 2008
Posts: 250
Reviews: 13
Country: 30 seconds away from mars :P
64 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:50 am Post subject: |
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| Guys I wrote this as a diary entry when I was really depressed. I am in love with someone at the moment and well that made me really depressed to. Its really about somebody who loves someone but he doesn't love her back. |
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