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lil-mizzkitty1
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 Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 12:55 pm Post subject: dear diary |
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Dear diary,
Today is Wednesday December 16th 1894. The weather in London has been absolutely freezing and my day has had quite a few mishaps as well. The end of my day was not that bad, in fact if it had not been as lovely as it was, I would have gone barking mad.
My day started at 5.30am in the morning. The floor was very hot and warm. Thank goodness my brother remembered to wake up and put the fire on, or Ma’am would go off her head. I looked outside it was freezing. Snow was everywhere. Ma.am was worrying about me and my brothers and sisters. She said it was the coldest winter since 1889. My sisters were very worried about it as well, but we had to start our jobs so no time to worry. My first job was throwing out the contents of the chamber pot. Dad had gone to the pub last night and he had used it, pooh was it smelly. I hate that job so I tried to do it quickly, but there’s no avoiding that smell. My next job was helping my sisters wash the clothes and I scraped in some carbolic soap I scraped my hand and got blood on the carpet. Ma’am got really angry. Then I got ready for school.
Next I went to school in the bitter snow. I was unbearably cold. Anyway I reached school just as the bell rang. There was a substitute with a very dreary voice that made you want to go to sleep. Firstly we did drills (I personally think drills are very useless). Then we did reading. I laid my head down on my desk and my teacher told me to sit with the back straightner (very painful). The rest of the school day carried on sadly as it had began (which meant BAD for me)
5.00 came and before I knew it I was off to town with my brothers and sisters, we were going to central London. My brothers as boot boys and me and my sisters were selling bunches of flowers (12 bunches of flowers a pair to be exact). I was left on my own to sell some bunches. Buy 7.00pm we had run out of bunches so we all (including my brothers) set off home. We counted our money 20 shillings! Enough for warm delicious meals all week, we were so happy coming home.
We reached home to be welcomed by the mouth-watering smell of warm chicken. We told Ma’am and dad the good news; they gave us each a gentle hug and kiss. No matter the weather today I will sleep with a warm heart.
By Lil-mizzkitty1 |
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zoeybird13024
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353 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: |
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Dear Diary, "Diary" should be capitalized.
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| Today is Wednesday December 16th 1894. The weather in London has been absolutely freezing and my day has had quite a few mishaps as well. The end of my day was not that bad, in fact if it had not been as lovely as it was, I would have gone barking mad. |
Today is Wednesday, December 16th, 1894. The weather in London had been absolutely freezing, and I've had quite a few mishaps today. The end of my day was not that bad--in fact, if it had not been as lovely as it was, I would have gone barking mad
See how I rephrased parts of this paragraph? It sounds much better this way. Also, there was a lack of punctuation, so I fixed that, as well.
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| My day started at 5.30am in the morning. |
My day started at 5:30 A.M. this morning.
You needed a semicolon inbetween the hour and the minute. Also, why bother putting A.M. if you're going to put "in the morning" as well? It was unnecessary. You could have it either way, though. Either put A.M. and leave out "in the morning" or keep "in the morning" and leave out A.M.
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| The floor was very hot and warm. |
Hot and warm are the same thing, no?
[quote]Thank goodness my brother remembered to wake up and put the fire on, or Ma’am would go off her head. [/quote}
Thank Goodness my brother remember to wake up and put the fire on, or Ma'am would...
It's probably just a nitpick of mine to capitalize "Goodness"--other people might tell you not to, but I think it looks much better that way. Also, the last part of that sentence after the comma is confusing. Do you "mama" instead of "Ma'am"? I'm very confused. I've never read anything where the children call their mother "Ma'am", unless if they're being called on or told to do something. And the last part--"or Ma'am would go off her head", doesn't make any sense. What are you trying to say? That, too, is unclear.
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| I looked outside it was freezing.Snow was everywhere. |
I looked outside; snow was everywhere and it was freezing.
I combined those sentences--it sounds better this way.
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| Ma.am was worrying about me and my brothers and sisters. |
Ma'am was worrying about my brothers, my sister, and me.
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| My sisters were very worried about it as well, but we had to start our jobs so no time to worry. |
My sisters were very worried about it as well, but we had to start out jobs. There was no time to worry.
See how I separated that? It sounds better and makes more sense.
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| Dad had gone to the pub last night and he had used it, pooh was it smelly. |
For the times, I think "Father" or even "Daddy" would be more appropriate. Or even "Papa". Also...
...and he had used it--pooh, was it smelly!
This sentence is supposed to convey strony feeling, so add an exclamation point.
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| My next job was helping my sisters wash the clothes and I scraped in some carbolic soap I scraped my hand and got blood on the carpet. Ma’am got really angry. Then I got ready for school. |
I bet her hands did bleed--carbolic acid would be in cabolic soap, no? Carbolic acid damages and attacks cells, so her hands would be very raw. Also...I had to do a report on carbolic acid for science class, and I believe (but I may be wrong) that carbolic acid was only used by doctors and surgeons at this time in history.
My next job was helping my sisters wash clothes. I scraped in some carbolic soap and scraped my hand.
What did she scrape her hand on? The soap?
I got blood on the carpet and Ma'am got really angry with me.
Again, the times--add "with me". Also, what did her mother do because she was angry? Show, don't tell!
Then, I got ready for school.
Comma!
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| Next I went to school in the bitter snow. |
There should be a comma after "Next"!
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| I was unbearably cold. Anyway I reached school just as the bell rang. There was a substitute with a very dreary voice that made you want to go to sleep. Firstly we did drills (I personally think drills are very useless). Then we did reading. I laid my head down on my desk and my teacher told me to sit with the back straightner (very painful). The rest of the school day carried on sadly as it had began (which meant BAD for me) |
It was unbearably cold. Anyway, I reached the school just as the bell rang. There was a substitute teacher with a very dreary voice that made you sleepy. First, we ddi drills (I personally think drills are useless). Then, we did reading. I laid my head down on my desk, but the teacher told me to sit with my back straighter, which was very painful. The rest of the school day carried on as sadly as it had begun.
Tense changes! Keep it consistent! Also, do you see what I changed? And know why?
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| 5.00 came and before I knew it I was off to town with my brothers and sisters, we were going to central London. My brothers as boot boys and me and my sisters were selling bunches of flowers (12 bunches of flowers a pair to be exact). Buy 7.00pm we had run out of bunches so we all (including my brothers) set off home. We counted our money 20 shillings! Enough for warm delicious meals all week, we were so happy coming home. |
5:00 came and I before I knew it, I was off into town with my brothers and sisters--were were going into Central London. My brothers were boot boys and my sisters and I were selling bunches of flowers. We sold twelve bunches of flowers a pair, to be exact. By 7:00 we had run out of bunches to sell so we all--including our brothers--set off home. We counted our money--20 shillings! Enough for warm, delicious meals all week. We were so happy as we came home.
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| No matter the weather today I will sleep with a warm heart. |
No matter the weather today, I will sleep with a warm heart.
Overall: I think you should do some research on late 19th century London! I'm no expert, but I've read enough books, done a little research, and learned enough to know that this is a very vague account of London at the time.
You told more than you showed--we want to know what London looks like, feels like, sounds like! There was no dialouge! I understand that it's a journal entry, but I think that everyone puts at least a few lines of dialouge in entries...yes?
You're not very specific, but that can be worked on.
Little description! Again, I want to know the sights, smells, and sounds of London!
This was a good attempt, but by changing these things, adding more, and doing a little research, this story will really start to take off. Don't stop writing!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here! If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me!!!
-x-Ashes |
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Moving Forward
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 12:42 am Post subject: |
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This was interesting. I was confused at first whether Ma'am was the employer or the mother; when I realized, it made sense.
You might want to make it more exciting; as a diary people generally discuss what new, interesting things happened in their days. This seems more of an essay on what a day was like for people in the 1800s.
I'm no expert, but in the 1800s, one rich enough to have carpet would not need to sell flowers on the street, correct? Of course, I may not be correct, so you may want to do some research on this.
Another of my 'peeves' is that I don't think a lower-middle class girl in this time period would attend school. Wouldn't she be working all day? If they are upper class, shouldn't she be receiving private lessons and not having to sell anything?
You may want to describe how one could cut themselves while washing clothes. That didn't make sense to me, 21st century person that I am.
I think it's a good shell to expand on. There were some punctuation errors, but those can easily be fixed.
Remember, you should review two pieces before posting something of your own. Welcome to the Young Writers Society! |
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Sofia
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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| This is interesting. Here the weather is rainy right now and there are a lot of poor flower-sellers in thee streets too. So, it was so easy to see you story. I like it. You write as if you were there, with them. That is very important for writer. Very good. |
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casstic
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 2:48 am Post subject: |
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There were a lot of errors, most of which got pointed out, but those are easily fixed. However, it really seems like there is absolutely no point to this. While it is interesting, I don't know where you're going with it or what is going on in the story at all. It doesn't really read like a diary entry or even a story - not enough emotion to be a diary, not enough explanation to just be a first-person story. The wording is incredibly shaky, but playing with sentence structure will fix it.
I'm interested to read this if you do a rewrite. |
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BrokenSword
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| Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 7:14 am Post subject: |
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I'm slightly uncomfortable with the fact that I don't really know what the gender of the person writing the diary is. I'm assuming they're female but it would be nice to know for sure.
Just to be nitpicky, I'm not entirely sure "5:30am" would have been written in the 1890s. It sounds way too modern. "Half past five" sounds more realistic.
I didn't understand when you said the floor was hot but it was freezing outside. That just seemed to defy logic. o_O
Anyway, I liked it overall, but I would like to see more entries, I think that would be interesting. Just be aware of the fact that it is the 19th century and be careful not to let modern terms slip in. |
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Squishy
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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Agree that exact time shouldn't be used because way back when, common folk didn't utilize the wonders of clocks. hard to believe anyone could live without one. Anyways, you might want to do away with time (?) becuase our culture tends to be very time-oriented, and back then it wasn't so much. Read Little House on the Prairie. It should help you get the style you need to really set the mood (granted, it's in 2nd grade reading level, but you can work it up a little)
probably should establish social class. This quote
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| My brothers as boot boys and me and my sisters were selling bunches of flowers (12 bunches of flowers a pair to be exact). I was left on my own to sell some bunches. Buy 7.00pm we had run out of bunches so we all (including my brothers) set off home. We counted our money 20 shillings! Enough for warm delicious meals all week, we were so happy coming home. |
leaves me wondering where the family is on the social ladder. you need to establish who she ( i am assuming gender. need to fix that too) is. In the 1800's social class defined who you were, and definitly changed the dynamics of your life. Read The Little Princess. Great contrasting of social standing in that book.
Establish age too. You could do this through school scene quite easily also.
But great idea, keep going with it. Vaguly remember reading books with this setup and loved them! So remember to make it your own story, not someone else's |
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