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by andrew.j.m in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on May 5, 2008
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Encantado Pt. 1
Encantado Pt. 2
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Encantado First Person Part2
Where's My Heart? Part 1: The Strings
Where's My Heart? Part 2: The Percussion
Where's My Heart? Part 3: The Crescendo
The Deep [part 1]
The Deep [part 2]

Encantado First Person Part 1
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Conrad Rice   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 3:17 pm    Post subject: Encantado First Person Part 1 Reply with quote

Encantado

The lights hurt my eyes a little as I walked into the village square, but I didn’t mind it all that much. They were party lights, meant to be that bright. The music was about as pounding as acoustic instruments could get. I liked that. It was just the right kind of tempo for the dancing I liked to do.

I looked around. It seemed as though the entire town had turned out for this. The men dressed up in their finest white suits, the women in their prettiest dresses. They were already well into the swing of things, their bodies swaying to the rhythm of the music.

I went straight for the center of the dance floor. I was going to have a little fun. I needed it, badly. I’d spent the last week sailing up to this point, listening to every village’s shaman tell me the same boring stories. Tonight I was just going to forget about all that and dance around a little. I didn’t feel the least bit strange about it either.

I moved into the writhing mass of bodies. For a village in the middle of Amazonia, this was an intense party. Bodies were bumping against me and the smell of sweat permeated the air. This wasn’t anything new to me though. I’d been to plenty of parties back at the college.

I caught glimpses of my team mates as we danced. Pete was sitting off in one corner with some of the old farts, drinking. That might be a problem later, I thought to myself. Pete wasn’t the kind of guy who could hold his beer well. He was probably going to be drunk for a long time, and have a hangover in the morning on top of that. I barely saw Niles. He was sitting even farther off than Pete was. The party lights cast strange reflections in those huge spectacles he wore. I could tell he wasn’t having a good time. His loss.

I became aware of somebody dancing closer to me than usual. I turned to get a good look at whoever it was. It was a young man, and a very good looking one at that. His clothes were even nicer than the ones the other gentlemen wore. Under other circumstances I would have backed off from him. But something felt right for some reason. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, or at the time I simply didn’t care. In either case, I stayed where I was.

The tempo of the music began to pick up. I danced faster in an effort to keep up. That’s when the young man next to me, got right up next to me. As in body touching body. He took my arms and began to lead me along. I tried to pull away for a moment, but he was too strong and it still felt alright. So I began to dance along with him. We ground our bodies together in time to the music. I tried dance moves with him that I never would have dared back in the States. And he was never fazed by it, but kept right up. Then the music slowed down again.

I stopped for a moment, panting deep and heavy in an attempt to catch my breath. A hand took mine. I looked and saw that it was the young man. At first I thought he wanted to take me off into the trees. I wouldn’t have done that, no matter how right that dance had just felt. But then he pointed off to a nearby table. That I could agree to. So I let him lead me over to them. I sat down, grateful for the rest.

“Well, Miss, that was something,” he said, speaking a little loud to be heard over the music. His voice had something to it, a seductive quality almost. I found myself entranced by him, despite the circumstances.

“I do not believe that we have been properly introduced,” I told him. Despite my manners out on the dance floor, there were still some things that I believed were proper and must be done. Formal introductions were one.

“Ah, of course. My name is Victor St. Juan. And you are?”

“Judy Shaw,” I replied. “How do you know English?”

“I was in Belem for a time. I picked it up from the right people. How is it that you know it?”

“I’m from the University of Pancor.”

“So you’re not from around here, I take it?”

“Oh no. I’m with an anthropological team. I listen to folktales.”

“Have you heard of the encantado? That is the only one I know of.”

I nodded my head. That was one of the most common ones. An encantado was an enchanted variety of the freshwater dolphins that lived in the river. The stories said that they took human form and visited parties to find young girls to abduct. They would then take them to the river to make them encantados like themselves. That was the jest of the thing anyway.

“Well, I’m afraid my profession is not nearly as exciting as yours,” Victor said, “I am a handy man of sorts. I travel up and down the river with my brother on various bits of business. We might sell some things here, we might fix up some things here. It all depends on what needs done and what it can be done for. I like it. It gives me a lot of free time in the evenings.”

“What’s so important about that?”

“Oh, in the evenings I go to parties. I simply cannot live without going to one at least three times a week. I just love them. I love the feeling I get when I am dancing with everyone. I can be my own person in the midst of a crowd of strangers, and no one minds.”

“Oh, what a coincidence. I love parties too!”

“Good. I am glad that we have something in common.”

Victor turned and waved to someone near the dance floor. I looked and saw that it was a man dressed just as fine as him. There was a strong physical resemblance between the two of them.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“That is my brother. You know, I said he travels with me. He loved parties just as much as I do. I am guessing that he will get lucky with some young lady later.”

“You like him then?”

“Of course. Who does not like their brother? I would do anything for him. If it came right down to it, I would even kill for him.”

That sounded a little unnerving, but then I remembered the part of the world I was in. Victor was probably no different than anyone else here as far as family loyalty was.

“Sounds like he’s lucky to have you,” I remarked.

“I only do what any family would do for its members. I know that he would do the same for me, no matter what.”

Just then the band began to play a new song. I saw Victor’s eyes light up like stars as the music reached his ears. He looked at me with a little bit of longing.

“I know this song well, Miss Shaw. Would you have the honor of dancing with me again?”

I might have objected to him. We had just met, and the first time was just for fun. But he was so handsome and sweet. How could I refuse him?

“Of course I’ll dance with you.”

He smiled and took me by the hands. We entered the dance floor yet again and began to move to the rhythm. I swayed and shook myself in time to the tempo even harder than last time. Something about this moment seemed more urgent, more intense. Victor took me and lead me across the dance floor. His hands felt firm but not hard. I let him caress me as we moved deeper and deeper into the dance.

The other dancers moved away from us, giving us room as we rocked our bodies together. I could smell the sweat of Victor’s body as he held me close to him. At that moment it smelt better than anything before. We danced our hearts out beneath the party lights. Finally the music built up to a crescendo finale and ended, leaving me in Victor’s arms, powerful and helpless at the same time. We stayed like that for a long moment. Then Victor let me go and helped me steady myself.

“That was very good, Judy. You are the best woman I have ever danced with.”

I would have answered him, but at the moment I was all out of breath. I looked up at him and nodded, smiling as wide as I could. Victor returned the smile. In that moment it felt like so much passed between us it was barely to be believed. His smile seemed to be all that I needed. The lights lit up his face and I almost fancied him to be an angel.

The sound of breaking glass rose up to take the place of the music. A scream punctuated the air. Everybody stopped and turned towards the sound of the noise, murmuring as they did. I followed the crowd.

Pete was standing over a bloody body, an equally bloody broken bottle gripped in his hand. A feeling of despair swept over me. Our team leader had just stabbed somebody in a drunken brawl. This would be great for public relations, just freaking great.

I looked down at the body. A nauseating wave swept over me as I recognized it. It was the man Victor had waved to during our conversation; his brother. How must Victor be feeling? I turned to find him, but he had simply vanished into the stunned crowd of onlookers.

Then everyone gasped in shock and terror. They began to back away from Pete in a near stampede. I turned to see what it was they feared so much and was met with a shock of my own. Where the body of Victor’s brother had been there was now the bloody corpse of a freshwater dolphin, dressed in weeds. Pete didn’t seem to notice in his drunken stupor. He just stood there, babbling nonsense and waving the bottle around.

The crowd ,meanwhile, was not having any of this. They didn’t know what devilry was going on, only that they weren’t going to stick around for any more. They cried out in angry, fearful voices as they began to clear the village square. Then a voice yelled out over them in Spanish. The crowd stopped, startled into silence by the voice.

I saw them began to part, making way for someone. Then their shaman emerged upon the grisly scene. He was an old man. Old might have been an understatement though. He looked about as old as the jungle itself, if that helps. He shuffled over to the dolphin corpse in his odd, bent-over gait that reminded one of an ape with arthritis. He prodded at it several times with his walking stick. Then he knelt down beside it and ran his hands over it. I heard him mumbling something over the corpse, but it wasn’t in any dialect I had ever heard. Then he got up and shuffled over to Pete.

“I would not want to be in your place,” he said, sticking his stick into Pete’s face and shaking it.

“I didn’t do nothin’,” Pete blathered, “That slack-jawed faggot come up on me. Beano freak. Took care o’ him.”

“Mr. Harrison, please, that’s not going to help anything,” Niles said to Pete as he struggled through the crowd. I could tell he was even more uncomfortable now. He looked around, nervous, as though at any moment the crowd would seize him for the crime of his teammate.

“Nothing will help him now,” the shaman said. He pointed at the dolphin corpse with one long, wrinkled finger. “He has killed an encantado. He is cursed now.”

My mouth fell open from what I’m sure was shock. Victor’s brother was an encantado? But how? That was just a legend.

“But those are just stories,” Niles said. He was always the practical one, no matter what. I was grateful for that. I was too prone to flying off the hook myself.

“Do you call that just a story?” the shaman asked, jabbing his finger at the corpse again. His eyes glared at Niles, angry at him for dismissing what was so obvious in the shaman’s eyes.

“It’s just a joke. Somebody’s played a very good practical joke and they’ve made Mr. Harrison the butt of it.” Good old Niles. Still practical under pressure.

“No one makes light of the encantado,” the shaman said, “Your friend is cursed. And you might as well be, for being associated with him. You will bring bad things to us if you stay. Leave. Go to your boat and sail down the river. Take the evil with you.”

His words sent a chill down my spine. Then I looked at a crowd and got an even bigger one. Their eyes were full of anger. But it wasn’t what you would call hot anger, whipped up on the spur of the moment. Their eyes were cold and brooked no opposition. We would leave, or be forced to.

I walked over to Pete and started to help him walk away. Niles came over and grabbed my arm.

“What are you doing?” he asked me.

“You heard him,” I said, nodding my head at the shaman.

“He’s just superstitious,” Niles said.

“Tell that to them,” I said, pointing my hand at the crowd.

Niles turned and looked at them. He saw their faces and what was written upon them. Then he nodded his head. He got the message.

“Alright,” he said, “Let me give you a hand.”

He put Pete’s arm over his shoulder. I walked on the other side of Pete, lending what support I could there. We made our way to the docks. The crowd followed us all the way. I looked back at them a few times. Their faces were still cold and angry.

We made it to the boat and struggled to help Pete onboard. He was being quiet, but still drunk. I could smell it heavy on him. He stumbled down the stairs at least twice before we actually got him into the boat. The crowd stood on the docks the entire time, still watching, still waiting for us to leave.

We helped Pete to his hammock on deck. He lay down and went right to sleep. Satisfied that our team leader was finally taken care of, Niles and I went up to the pilot house. He started the motor up as I worked the ropes that bound us to the dock loose. The townspeople didn’t offer to help, even though it would have meant that we would have left sooner. I got all the ropes undone and went back to the pilot house.

“We’re free,” I said to Niles over the sound of the motor.

“Let’s be off then,” he said with a nod.

He turned the wheel and the boat began to pull away from the dock. The crowd watched us all the while. I guess they wanted to make sure we really left. I turned away from them and looked down the river. Beyond the reach of the town lights it was dark, darker than I had ever seen before. We left the aura of safety that the glow of the town provided and sailed out into that blackness.

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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, Conrad Rice!

I’m so sorry! When you first asked for the review, I checked it out and realized I didn’t have enough time for such a long piece. Then I put it off again…and again…and again.

I guess I’ll add this as an attachment to save myself time, and get this to you sooner. PM me if you can’t open it. The stuff in red are my technical corrections. I may add more text in blue for a whole paragraph comment, and there will be highlighted parts for line/word comments. Hover over the highlighted text to see my comment. (And my name’s Jennifer, not Jane. It just says Jane since it’s my mom’s computer.)

If I ever do this again, poke me until I critique it. I have a bad memory.

Hopefully I’ll get to some of your other work tonight, but I’m not sure yet. (Edit: I can’t. Maybe tomorrow? PM me – bug me until I do!)

Sorry!

Hope this helps.

*Sigh* It was so long! Haha

~JFW1415

Edit: Remember to use all the senses, not just sight.


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PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello! Okay, I think I'll start with a few specific comments and suggestions:

The lights hurt my eyes a little as I walked into the village square, but I didn’t mind it all that much. They were party lights, meant to be that bright. The music was about as pounding as acoustic instruments could get. I liked that. It was just the right kind of tempo for the dancing I liked to do. [This could be made to flow more smoothly. I'd suggest something like: 'As I walked into the village square, I squinted against the bright, artificial lights in their vibrant colours of saffron; turquoise; scarlet! They sparkled on my retinas and the music thrummed in my ears; the loudest and most rhythmic of acoustic instruments, creating the perfect tempo. The kind of beat that just made you want to sway your hips and tap your feet.']

It seemed as though the entire town had turned out for this. The men dressed up in their finest white suits, the women in their prettiest dresses. [I think it would be good to combine these two sentences with either a dash or a semi colon after 'this' and expand on the descriptions, list the different styles and colours of the women's dresses. Are they long or short or a variety? Are the colours simple or extravagantly bright and decorative?What material are they made of - wool, silk, cotton, velvet?]

I went straight headed for the center of the dance floor, intent on having a good time. I was going to have a little fun. I needed it, badly. I’d spent the last week sailing [Sailing suggests moving with ease so maybe striving or something similar, something with a more negative feel.] up to this point, listening to every village’s shaman tell me the same boring stories. Tonight I was just going to forget about all that and dance around a little. I didn’t feel the least bit strange about it either. Tonight I would not linger on these thoughts; it was a night for dancing.]

I became aware of somebody dancing closer to me than usual. I turned to get a good look at whoever it was. It was a young man, and a very good looking one at that. [I think the introduction of such an important character needs to be stronger. Maybe something like 'I became aware of someone dancing close to me, close enough that occasionally his body brushed against mine and I became self-conscious of the sweat across my brow, arms, legs. His breathing was shallow, controlled as if the exertion of dancing were no ordinary event for him and he swayed so close to me that I felt sure I should have been able to smell alcohol or perfume or even just the tangy, salty stench of sweat and human odour. I could not. My curiosity piqued, I danced around until I was facing the person and was surprised to find a handsome young man just a little older than myself. When he nodded, as if to give me permission to glance at him, I felt a connection much stronger than the proximity of our bodies.'] [This is just a suggestion but can you see how it concentrates on more senses than just one? I'll discuss this more towards the end.]

The tempo of the music began to pick up. I danced faster in an effort to keep up. That’s when the young man next to me, got right up next to me. As in body touching body. [There's a clever technique that some writers use where the writing mirrors the action. Here, you say the tempo picks up so pick up the rhythm of your writing. Use repetition and longer sentences like: 'The tempo of the music began to pick up; I danced faster and faster, breaking speed limits and only one dancer could catch me; him. Closer and closer he moved until our bodies were touching, our frantic spinning fuelled by the friction as we rubbed against each other.']

The stories said that they took human form and visited parties to find young girls to abduct. They would then take them to the river to make them encantados like themselves. That was the jest of the thing anyway. [Don't give your plot away so easily! This is an info dump. Just brush across the subject. Instead of having her think of the stories, have her respond with something like:

'Those stories are as common as they are ridiculous.']


We might sell some things here, we might fix up some things here. It all depends on what needs done and what it can be done for. [Is the poor grammar on purpose? Does he struggle to speak English? If not, it should be 'We might sell some things here, fix up some things there. It all depends on what needs doing and what it can be done for.']

Victor took me and lead led me across the dance floor.

I saw them began begin to part, making way for someone.

He looked about as old as the jungle itself, if that helps.

Then I looked at a the crowd and got an even bigger one.

________________________________________

In general, I think you have a good base here but you need to work on a few things. The first is characterization. Your characters are sketchy and their emotions are very vague at the moment; the reader can't feel your persona's delight in dancing or her fear and dismay at the end. You need to show us how she's feeling. When she dances, does she throw her arms into the air and laugh and smile with the pure joy of the dance. Does she glide through the crowds of people or gravitate around the centre, staying always amidst the thickest, loudest part of the crowd where the people smell of alcohol and sweat.

Also, her gazing through the crowd looking for her team mates is not believable. Have a pause in the dancing so that the floor starts to clear at the end of a song and maybe then, through the growing gaps in the crowds she happens to catch a glimpse of Pete and at the same time, you can briefly mention that she doesn't see Niles and he's probably staying well away from the dance floor. But show some characterization there. Does she disapprove of Pete's drinking? Does her joy suddenly diminish when she sees him with the beer, does she begin to feel crushed by the bodies dancing around her, does the alcohol on others' breaths smell more potent and dangerous?

And when she's talking to Victor, the reader needs to see a sudden contrast, they need to see how she speaks with reserve and is more cautious because this is no longer her territory, they're not dancing, they're talking and that's very different. Two strangers dancing can often seem perfectly okay but when talking starts, there's always a feel that it will lead to something else. Have her become more aware of the lack of people around them - are they at an empty table? Does he maybe try to take her hand and she glances around to see who would hear if she shouted for help? If he did try to lead her into the woods - does she fear that? And then, when he speaks, does his voice calm her, does he seem ordinary or incredibly extraordinary?

A good way to show a character's emotions is through using italics to show direct thought, maybe try that out? Particularly when she sees the body of the dolphin. And try to show the fear of the crowd when the scream cuts through the music. Describe how there are people running away, as much as they run towards the commotion. Do people throw up? Do they add their screams to the first? Is Judy knocked about, does she feel her stomach clench with dread, does she expect it to involve Pete? What is she thinking as she pushes through the crowd?

Attention to detail can be essential to a good story. Maybe, when they're forced to leave, Judy could hesitate and look closely at the crowd of people and see faces of those who had danced close to her and smiled at her. Faces that are now scowling and frowning.

Now, in your pm, you mentioned that you needed help with description and I think you're right. You have a tendency to concentrate on one sense at a time but you need to cover more than one in a sentence and you need to consider all five to set the perfect atmosphere. You have sight covered reasonably though you could describe the people more, describe the ground where they're dancing, is it just a grassy field or is it a concrete or wooden dance floor? And what your persona and others are wearing - set the scene. Are their clothes periodic, fantastical or ordinary, modern outfits? How do they dress? Then consider sound. You've described the music but what about voices? Can she hear snippets of conversation? Do drunken, dancing men perhaps lean in and try to whisper in her ear? Is there the occasional ear-splitting peal of drunken laughter or applause for a particularly good dancer? The clink of glasses, the pounding of feet and the swishing of skirts against trousers etc.

The third sense to consider is usually touch. How does his body feel against hers, is it warm? How do his clothes feel? Course wool, soft cotton or smooth velvet? Some kind of material she's never felt? Are they damp and leathery - hint at the fact that he's an encantado - does he smell of the sea, does he spin gracefully as if his body were weightless? Does her hair brush against his face as she twirls? Does the ground squelch against her feet if it's grass or if not, is it hard - do her feet start to hurt? Does the wind chill her arms a little?

Then think of smell. There's always someone wearing strong, pungent perfume and there's those who stink of alcohol or smoke, or sometimes both and there's the smell of body odour and if they're outside, maybe the grass and a fleeting whiff of fresh air? And finally taste. Can she taste the salty air - are they near the sea? Or is it hot, dry and stale? Do her lips taste hard and chaffed when she talks and her tongue flicks across them?

Hope this helps a little. Feel free to pm me with questions,

Heather xx

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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hope you can open MS Word docs. If not, let me know and I'll fix it. Wink

Overall:
Overall, I felt like your dialogue is lacking. You need stronger and more realistic dialogue between characters. You've also got some cliched bits of text. Weed out any unoriginal descriptions and phrases and try to come up with your own unique ideas. Otherwise, I think this has some potential! I'm on to part 2! Wink

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PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, sorry for the delay.

First off, I apologise if I repeat anything that the others have said - as they critiqued as attachments I have no idea what has been pointed out and what hasn't.

Quote:
The lights hurt my eyes a little as I walked into the village square, but I didn’t mind it all that much.

Not a very strong opening. Remember, the first sentence is always important as it decides whether the person is going to continue the book or not. It's like first impressions with people - it can be hard to shake off. Whatever idea of the story is given off in the first line will stick for a while. To improve this I would either incorporate the next few lines into it, so you're not repeating too much, or I would scrap it completely.

Quote:
I liked that. It was just the right kind of tempo for the dancing I liked to do.

Perhaps change the grammar here to make it flow better?
I liked that - the kind of tempo for my kind of dancing.
You could also elaborate on the dancing. That way we could get a feel of the setting as well, because at the moment we are a bit unaware of where we are or what is going on.

Quote:
It seemed as though the entire town had turned out for this. The men dressed up in their finest white suits, the women in their prettiest dresses. They were already well into the swing of things, their bodies swaying to the rhythm of the music.

Instead of a full-stop after 'for this' try using a semi-colon. It just flows better and is easier on the reader. Also, I reckon you could describe the women's dresses so much better than just 'prettiest'. It's such a general word and we still don't know where we are so a description of the clothes may very well help. (I presume from the title that we are in a Spanish speaking country - so perhaps put in some traditional ideas of clothing, you know, tango dresses etc.)

Quote:
Tonight I was just going to forget about all that and dance around a little. I didn’t feel the least bit strange about it either.

Consider re-wording?
Tonight I wanted to forget about all that - the stormy seas and the wrinkled faces of the numerous Shaman- I wanted to dance around a little. It was my chance to have fun and I refused to feel strange or out-of-place.
(To be fair, that was an awful re-wording but you see the idea?)

Quote:
I moved into the writhing mass of bodies. For a village in the middle of Amazonia, this was an intense party. Bodies were bumping against me and the smell of sweat permeated the air. This wasn’t anything new to me though. I’d been to plenty of parties back at the college.

Amazonia? As in the rainforest? At least we have some sort of background now. Your second sentence here needs to have more detail in it. Why is it odd for a village in Amazonia to have such an intense party? Is it because of size? Population? Tradition. Expand and your readers will love you for it. Also, comma after 'me' in the fourth sentence. Now that you've said 'college' I am starting to presume that the protagonist is about 17 - 20 years of age.
This is also a good opportunity to compare the college parties with those here. You can really go for it if you do that - the five senses, metaphors, personification (especially if we are in the middle of a rainforest).

Quote:
I barely saw Niles. He was sitting even farther off than Pete was.

Consider re-phrasing.
I could barely see Niles; he was sitting on his own, even farther off than Pete was. Or something to that affect.

Quote:
His clothes were even nicer than the ones the other gentlemen wore.

Why? Was his suit encrusted with diamonds? Was there some sort of lavish embroidery on it? Expand please.

Quote:
Under other circumstances I would have backed off from him.

'Backed away' instead of 'backed off'?
It is at this point that the sex of the narrator is bothering me. It sounds very masculine, yet I can't be sure. Perhaps put something in to let the reader know whether we are looking through the eyes of a man or a woman, otherwise most will presume it's a man.

Quote:
The tempo of the music began to pick up. I danced faster in an effort to keep up. That’s when the young man next to me, got right up next to me. As in body touching body. He took my arms and began to lead me along. I tried to pull away for a moment, but he was too strong and it still felt alright. So I began to dance along with him. We ground our bodies together in time to the music. I tried dance moves with him that I never would have dared back in the States. And he was never fazed by it, but kept right up. Then the music slowed down again.

Combine the first two sentences. The third sentence has too many 'next's in it and to no effect. Consider re-wording? The fourth sentence needs to be changed completely as it feels like it is in note form at the moment. You could put soo much more description in here.
The fifth line now makes me think that the MC is a girl - perhaps you could make this apparent earlier on.
I really want more from this paragraph. You have the ability to put in some great description and action. We need that here.

Quote:
So I let him lead me over to them. I sat down, grateful for the rest.

Scrap the 'so'. Put into one sentence.

Quote:
“Well, Miss, that was something,” he said, speaking a little loud to be heard over the music. His voice had something to it, a seductive quality almost. I found myself entranced by him, despite the circumstances.

Get rid of 'a little' and change 'loud' to 'loudly'. Also, perhaps try re-wording the second sentence to something like:
His voice had a seductive quality to it, something I had never come across before. I found myself entranced by him, forgetting everything and everyone around me.

Quote:
That was the jest of the thing anyway

Did you mean 'gist'?

Quote:
I am a handy man of sorts. I travel up and down the river with my brother on various bits of business. We might sell some things here, we might fix up some things here. It all depends on what needs done and what it can be done for.

This is a bit of a mouthful and to be honest I don't know if someone who knows English as their second language would really speak like that. I would fix up some of the stuff here but I'm not sure if you want him to speak a little.....oddly?

Quote:
He loved parties just as much as I do.

'Loved' should be 'loves'.

Quote:
Victor was probably no different than anyone else here as far as family loyalty was.

'Was' should be 'goes' if you are using that saying. Otherwise I would say 'went'.

Quote:
Finally the music built up to a crescendo finale and ended, leaving me in Victor’s arms, powerful and helpless at the same time.

Comma after 'Finally'. I liked this line and here is where your writing gets stronger.

Quote:
How must Victor be feeling?

This seems really odd. I think you could incorporate it differently. Perhaps have Judy look at Victor to see if he had realised that it was his brother - something like:
I spun around to see if Victor had realised who the victim was, but he had vanished........ And then continue from there.

Quote:
He was an old man. Old might have been an understatement though. He looked about as old as the jungle itself, if that helps.

The first two lines are awkward and too informal. The third is better but 'if that helps' is again too informal and a bit irrelevant. I suggest that you describe his wrinkles, the set of his jaw, his greying hair, etc. Then use your simile as it is good.

Quote:
“But those are just stories,” Niles said. He was always the practical one, no matter what. I was grateful for that. I was too prone to flying off the hook myself.

Perhaps you can comment here on how Niles said out loud exactly what Judy was thinking.

Quote:
pointing my hand at the crowd.

Doesn't really make sense. Did you mean finger? Or just generally waving in that direction.

Quote:
He was being quiet, but still drunk.

Consider re-phrasing. Perhaps put a 'was' in before 'still'. Maybe elaborate on how he had been shocked into silence or scared intro silence. You get my drift.

Overall

As the piece went on your writing got stronger and you gave more action/description. So, what I will say is that we need more of that in the beginning. I also think you should work on your characterisation as Judy seems a bit flat at the moment and to be honest it wasn't until half-way through that I realised that Judy was a girl. To make it clearer put in more description and a LOT more emotion. Emotion is so important for everything from characters to atmosphere to the overall story.
Perhaps making lists of description you could evenly inject to the chapter would help.

PM me if you need any further help, or if anything I said made no sense.

All the best and keep writing,
Alainna
xxxx

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