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How it was supposed to be
How it was supposed to be

by Incandescence in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on May 15, 2008
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School Trip

School Trip part 2
Topic ID: 30254
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-cauan-   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 1:19 pm    Post subject: School Trip part 2 Reply with quote

“Nick,” said Colin, “why don’t you go and distract the dinosaurs while we try to find the time machine?”

“But I can’t do that,” Nick replied, “I’m too short. Mr Frigid and I will look for the time machine while you go and distract the dinosaurs. You know about them more than me so you will know how to keep them at bay.”

“Fine, I’ll go and do it right now.” And with that, he dashed off.

Mr Frigid had a strange look on his face.

“Come on Mr Frigid, we’ve got to look for the time machine, by the way, what happened with the time machine that got us ending up in the dinosaur times?”

“Oh,” said Mr Frigid, “That. Well, I did tell you there was a flaw with the machine didn’t I? Well I made it and there was a mistake with some of the buttons. That explains it.”

Nick says, “Ah, no it doesn’t, you didn’t tell us anything about a fault in the time machine, you just told us to come and check it out.”

Mr Frigid knitted his eyebrows. “Well I don’t care, I just made it I wouldn’t know how to fix it just because I made it. And anyway why is Colin being engulfed by the dinosaurs?”

“What?” Nick asked, looking to the direction Colin went. He saw two dinosaurs surrounding him, preparing to paralyse him. “Quick, let’s go there and help him, forget about the time machine for now, just get Colin.”

They scuttled over to Colin promptly. Mr Frigid found a near rock that weighed very bulky and thrust it at the T-Rex. It rammed into the T-Rex’s rear and it growled with soreness. It headed towards Mr Frigid and the other T-rex was engrossed in Nick’s stopwatch.

“Keep on doing that, and then we’ll leg it.”

To be Continued...

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enzoguy15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good.
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metalzulu   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off
Quote:
Very good.

Enzo, please read the rules before 'reviewing'.

Now;
Cauan, here is what I found.

Quote:
“Fine, I’ll go and do it right now.” And with that, he dashed off.

No argument? He just runs off and risks his life? You could have them argue or maybe Mr. Frigid orders him to, or scares him off.


Quote:
“Come on Mr Frigid, we’ve got to look for the time machine, by the way, what happened with the time machine that got us ending up in the dinosaur times?”

Try something like this ' "Lets go Mr. Frigid, we have to find that time machine," says Nick as he gives Mr. Frigid a serious look, "by the way, what did you do to the time machine that made it send us so far back?"

Quote:
Nick says, “Ah, no it doesn’t, you didn’t tell us anything about a fault in the time machine, you just told us to come and check it out.”

I like using 'Uh' or 'Uhh' as 'Ah' is more of a surprised sound in my opinion. Also, Mr. Frigid said 'flaw'.

Quote:
Mr Frigid knitted his eyebrows. “Well I don’t care, I just made it I wouldn’t know how to fix it just because I made it. And anyway why is Colin being engulfed by the dinosaurs?”

I think he just contradicted himself. Shocked He built the machine, so he should know everything about it. You state that he made the machine too many times, its clear that he built it. Also, 'engulfed' doesn't sound like the right word to use, try 'Looks like Colin doesn't know as much as you said he does, he's going to be eaten alive if we don't help.'

Quote:
“What?” Nick asked, looking to the direction Colin went. He saw two dinosaurs surrounding him, preparing to paralyse him. “Quick, let’s go there and help him, forget about the time machine for now, just get Colin.”

That sure is a mouthful, maybe ' "Huh?" Nick says as he looks over to where Colin ran off, only to see a crowd of dinosaurs is moving toward him, "Hurry, we have to get down there!" He says, running off toward Colin. ' I'm not a very skilled writer myself, oh well. Confused

Quote:
They scuttled over to Colin promptly. Mr Frigid found a near rock that weighed very bulky and thrust it at the T-Rex. It rammed into the T-Rex’s rear and it growled with soreness. It headed towards Mr Frigid and the other T-rex was engrossed in Nick’s stopwatch.
“Keep on doing that, and then we’ll leg it.”

I'll take this one all at once. Scuttled doesn't sound right, maybe 'Nick reached him in moments, followed by Mr. Frigid' And the next sentence isn't right;
near>nearby
Weighed very bulky>Seemed to weigh a lot
thrust>tossed.
What stop watch? When did this watch come into play? And imagine the size of a T-Rex, will you really be able to hurt a T-Rex with a rock that you can throw with your bare hands? I think not. 'and then we'll leg it' doesn't sound good either, maybe 'Keep that one busy and we'll escape.' or something along those lines

Good idea, but too many changes, a random magical stop watch and a super powered teacher? Keep trying, you'll get it soon. Razz

Metal
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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 1:17 am    Post subject: Re: School Trip part 2 Reply with quote

Before I'm going to say anything, I would like to say (or shout) PUNCTUATION. ok there, I am done. I know some books (I only know one) does not have a period after Mr., please please please change it to Mr. Frigid instead of Mr Frigid.


Quote:
“But I can’t do that,” Nick replied, “I’m too short....

? What does shortness have to do with anything? Or is it just one of those excuses someone makes up to get out of something that doesn't make any sense... do you get what I'm saying? *Pm me if you don't*
Quote:
Mr Frigid knitted his eyebrows. “Well I don’t care, I just made it I wouldn’t know how to fix it just because I made it. And anyway why is Colin being engulfed by the dinosaurs?”

What Metal said. Maybe be instead of engulfed try a diff. word, maybe surounded.
Quote:
“What?” Nick asked, looking to the direction Colin went. He saw two dinosaurs surrounding him, preparing to paralyse him. “Quick, let’s go there and help him, forget about the time machine for now, just get Colin.”

... preparing to paralyse him... sounds odd *paralize is spelled wrong also*. Maybe say: He saw two dinosaurs closing in on Colin, petrifying him in an instant.
Also, When I read this part, it would be better if you said ... surrounding Colin.. because you use so many hes and his's that it makes it hard to tell who your talking about.


Quote:
They scuttled over to Colin promptly. Mr Frigid found a near rock that weighed very bulky and thrust it at the T-Rex. It rammed into the T-Rex’s rear and it growled with soreness. It headed towards Mr Frigid and the other T-rex was engrossed in Nick’s stopwatch.
“Keep on doing that, and then we’ll leg it.”

I'm going to atempt to tackle this one.
1. T-rex would not be hurt by this
2.engrossed in nick's stopwatch... Nick had a stopwatch? Why would a dinosaur be so 'engrossed' by it?
3. Leg it... odd wording.

General things
1. Characters- make them 3D, if it helps, make a detailed character plot of them, say their dislikes, fears, and appearance.
2. Dailouge- your dialouge seems a bit off, maybe try reading some pages of your favorite book and looking at the dailouge. Or, you could read it aloud. Infact, read it aloud anyways.
keep it up, I want to read this.
If you have any questions, PM me, sorry if I was harsh. But I do like it.
~MV

To be Continued...[/quote]

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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No you person you said paralysed is spelt wrong? Well it isn't, 'paralyse' is the English spelling and probably you are in USA but they have much better in England
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 11:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry if I live in the USA.
p.s.-sorry. Again.

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