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Leahweird
Senior Writer
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Country: Canada
116 Points
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 Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: Lover's Knot |
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I need you
She said
He said nothing
But they both knew
That he needed her more
And they knew
Within
That they were bound
Intricately
Just like two ends
Of a silken cord
Wordless
And yet
His love still knew
That if he left
He would come undone
Just as she
Herself
Would unravel
If she left him
Which she never would
Stay with me
She said
So he stayed |
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Last edited by Leahweird on Thu May 15, 2008 12:21 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Dr. Jamie Bondage
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369 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 2:37 am Post subject: |
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This was amazing! I only saw one mistake.
His love still knew
That if her left
He would come undone
This either needs to be "That if she left" or "That if he left".
Other than that, this was wonderful! I really liked it! Keep up the good work!
Jamie |
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ChildofEden
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:02 am Post subject: |
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Hola! Mind if I take a whack at it?
I was halfway between liking it and not because it's a pretty used idea. Ms. Bondage up there already hit the grammar portion of it that I spotted.
I guess I just didn't really feel anything in there that made me go "Whoa....well dang!" Honestly, I think you've definitly got potential! Keep working at it, and maybe reword some stuff, and you'll have a really sweet piece.
Cheers!
~Eden |
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ambercoultis
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27 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 11:19 am Post subject: |
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| Dr. Jamie Bondage wrote: |
This was amazing! I only saw one mistake.
His love still knew
That if her left
He would come undone
This either needs to be "That if she left" or "That if he left".
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If I'm understanding this right it's she left. Yes please fix that. 
Very entrancing(if that's even a word...) |
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Angel of Death
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1429 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my gosh this was so beautiful I think I might cry. Its absolutely lovely how you made a scene inside a poem, almost like a part in a romantic movie. I like there was a happy ending and how the feeling of love wasn't ignored.
Keep writing,
Angel  |
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salsashanno
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583 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:16 am Post subject: |
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wow, this is so great! you phrased it wonderfully, i love that first opening stanza, it really tied me in. the only mistake i noticed was the "her" when it should have been he or she, whichever you intended to go there, but i see that several thousand other people already caught that.
Best of luck!
~Shannon |
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Ringo_rules987
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329 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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When writing narrative poetry, the rule about speaking to someone stays the same as writing a piece of fiction.
| Quote: |
I need you
She said
He said nothing
But they both knew
That he needed her more |
In the first line, you need to end that with a period. At the point where you have "She said He Said nothing", you need to have She said "He said nothing". Another problem I have with the stanza is you told but you didn't show. That's a sin for a poet. Why did he need her more? Did she have a PS3? Is that why he needed her?
| Quote: |
And they knew
Within
That they were bound
Intricately
Just like two ends
Of a silken cord |
Like the first stanza, you desperately need punctuation. The meaning of each line is being hurt badly by not punctuating. The capital letters at the beginning of each line is hard on the eyes too. Unlike the last stanza you showed and used a good metaphor.
| Quote: |
Wordless
And yet
His love still knew
That if he left
He would come undone |
You're telling and not showing again. I don't feel any emotion from this stanza, show me that he's hurt. Did he do anything about this strain of love? Habitual cutting? Screaming? Something?
| Quote: |
Just as she
Herself
Would unravel
If she left him
Which she never would |
Basically my same critique for the last stanza.
| Quote: |
Stay with me
She said
So he stayed |
This makes me feel really, really empty. The last line has to make impact, but this doesn't do anything for me. |
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Suzanne
Mrs. Chatterbox
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4174 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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The first thing I want to address is punctuation. You don't have any, and I think the poem would benefit from the use of quotation marks - which is just one part of punctuation. You also need commas, and periods; everything that would make this grammatically accurate. Here's an article that will hopefully help: Poetry & Punctuation.
| Quote: |
And they knew
Within
That they were bound
Intricately
Just like two ends
Of a silken cord
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I like this stanza the most, because it presents your theme. It's an interesting theme, but I don't think you do enough with it. The biggest problem of this poem is that you are telling everything to your reader, and not showing, which goes along with the second problem: your meaning, or theme, is written clearly, and not sprinkled throughout the poem. It's something hard to get down though; I suggest you read poetry to figure out what I'm talking about. If a poem is about how love is better than evil, the poet won't write "Love is better than evil" but instead, he'll write the poem so the message is, as I like to put it, on the reverse side of the page in invisible ink. The reader needs to be able to figure out what the message is - not be told it. Like I said, this is hard to get if you haven't seen it done/can't tell what I'm talking about. The best place to watch it in action is poetry! My favorite poets do great with this: Dickinson, Frost, T.S. Eliot, Longfellow, among many others. Just google "poetry" and you'll come up with so much. You can also read the poetry of some of our members. We have a great collection of poets out there: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Cade, Via, Leja, PenguinAttack. They're all brilliant poets.
| Quote: |
Stay with me
She said
So he stayed |
I think the greatest fault in this poem was the ending. It's so anticlimactic. The conflict the character's have is that they need to stay together, or they'll rip apart. Just saying "So he stayed" is incredebly weak - it has no power in it, it's just a line. Sometimes simplicity is great for poetry, but here I think you need to continue the metaphor. Talk about how the string was pulling and the edges started to fray but they tied them back together - and he stayed. Try to give it more life. I'm doing horrible at explaining it, or giving a good example, but you see what I mean? You need a good ending to make a good poem.
I hope I did make sense. If you have any questions or want me to try to explain something better (I can try!) feel free to PM me. Good luck! |
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