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by thunder_dude7 in Other Fiction


	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on May 14, 2008

Preface .

Topic ID: 30231

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prefect - memory12
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Gender: Gender:Female

Age: 14
Joined: 14 May 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 1
Country: USA
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: Preface .

Hey everyone, I'm S! I'm 12 years old and I'm a newcomer to YWS. I have been reading works from some of the writers here at Young Writers Society, and you all have inspired me to put my work out there. So I hope that you enjoy my work as much as I have enjoyed yours. Please critic me as hard as you can, because I know that I have a lot learn! Love, S Torain. "Love is like the wind, you cant see it but you can feel it." A Walk to Remember I'm Working on a title... Preface The world was finally on one currency. It is a dark time. The tribal peoples had been all but eradicated, yet a remnant remained. It was from this group of people that our salvation would emerge. Our future or our destruction? Some may think that the future may be more hi-tech, and I would say that they’re correct. Others may think that the future may hold cures for all types of disease’s. One again I would say that that would be true. Then a very small percent will believe that Earth would be destroyed by the 2500's. That was also right, Earth isn’t habitable, humankind no longer lives there. But something else does. After the destruction of Earth from the effects of global-warming and other variables, humankind didn’t have anywhere to go. People began to disappear. With fear that the end of Earth was coming, NASA astronauts set out to find a new plant to start a new life. NASA astronauts had their sight’s on set on a beautiful, peaceful, habitable planet that they have named Caste in the outer realms of The Milky Way. With a five years living on Caste the astronauts have evaluated that it is safe to create humankind’s new home there. They have already built city’s and homes, with the help of other astronauts and scientist all over the world. So here we begin a new life, with unexpected twist and turns, Maybe then we might find the truth of who we really are and who we were meant to be.

Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
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Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 5:25 pm Post subject:

Hello prefect! Nice to meet you, I'm Mark Smile

I am sorry to say, but you have broken a rule on YWS: we do ask that you keep your review:submission ratio to 2:1. Please correct this, and will certainly get far more, and better quality, reviews. Also, you may want to introduce yourself in the Welcome forum. Wink

But, I think it is my duty to give you a welcoming critique! So... here goes:

Quote:

The world was finally on one currency. It is a dark time.

A few things: change in tense. You must decide whether you are writing in the past or present tense, and after skimming through the rest, I see this is set in the past. Also, second thoughts, I don't like the 'was' at start. This is a very dull verb, and used too often (especially as an opening) can drive the reader insane. It loses suspense as well, slowing the pace. Perhaps something like :Finally, the World saw itself on one currency. Not much better, but do see what I am saying?

Quote:

peoples had been all but eradicated, yet a remnant remained. It was from this group of people

There is a close repetition of people which I don't like. Furthermore, I reckon 'It was from this' shortens down the sentence and removes unneeded words, which just bulk and reduce the quality of the piece.

Quote:

Our future or our destruction?

'Our' seems out of place, perhaps just 'the'. Maybe you would want to join this with the preceding sentence, so it relates more with it.

Quote:

Some may think that the future may be more hi-tech, and I would say that they’re correct.

Another change in tense. 'I would have said' flows better here.

I don't feel I am going to carry on doing more line-by-line feedback, as I doubt it will benefit you. Here, I am seeing a lot of telling, which although normally acceptable for the prologue, this is just making it dull. I find there is no personality in this piece - no opinions. I think you have had some great ideas here, such as "The future of our destruction?" but I am finding the way you get across them, very tiring.

We need your own style to emerge - I see so far that you are trying to find yourself, which is great really. Have a go at experimenting - try different genres, openings, stories etc, until you think you have found your voice. This takes a long time, and I can't help much there. Write stuff down, then ask yourself what works, what doesn't. If you want best advice, have a go at speedwriting. Take a look at this place.

Honestly, keep posting here, keep reading, keep improving. I hope I have been some help,
-Mark

_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.

This thread was created on May 14, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on May 14, 2008

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