Topic ID: 30230
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nightmarebook13
Junior Writer
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Joined: 19 Jun 2007
Posts: 38
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Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 11:53 pm Post subject: storys untold. |
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meant to be sang slower and pick up around chorus... with something like michelle branch guitars. 
shes looks outside her window,
hoping to the sun again.
but the closest she will ever get,
is the flame on the end of her cigarette.
wondering how life got so close,
and how no on shes bringing her a rose.
once they found out her secret,
telling them was her biggest regret.
chorus:
how come people never practice what the preach?
and why to they have goals so far out of reach?
for i fear these wounds will never mend,
and are only told through the tip of this pen.
so why are they afarid of what they dont know?
and how can they understand?
because when im around her i seem to glow.
something truly unknown to most man.
chorus.
shes the only one that needs to know.
i dont have to pretend.
shes looks outside her window,
hoping to the sun again. |
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i rember stormy weather, the way the sky looks when its cold. |
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Dr. Jamie Bondage
Perfectionist
Epic Novelist
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Joined: 08 Nov 2007
Posts: 3101
Reviews: 75
432 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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First: Capatalize the first word of the lines.
shes looks outside her window,
hoping to the sun again.
(This doesn't make sense to me. Plus, capitalize "shes" and add an approstrophe. Capatalize "hoping")
but the closest she will ever get,
is the flame on the end of her cigarette. ("But, will, is, and end needs to be capatalized)
wondering how life got so close,
and how no on shes bringing her a rose.
once they found out her secret,
telling them was her biggest regret. (This whole thing doesn't make sense. "on" should be "one". Capitalization.)
chorus:
how come people never practice what the preach?
and why to they have goals so far out of reach?
for i fear these wounds will never mend,
and are only told through the tip of this pen. (Capitalization)
so why are they afarid of what they dont know?
and how can they understand?
because when im around her i seem to glow.
something truly unknown to most man.(Capitalization)
chorus.
shes the only one that needs to know.
i dont have to pretend.
shes looks outside her window,
hoping to the sun again. (Capitalization)
On the whole, a lot of this was confusing and it seemed a bit repetitve. Go back and capitalize the first sentence of a line. Hope this helped!
Jamie |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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1605 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:09 am Post subject: |
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It's alright. My first bit of advice it to capatialize. It's very annoying to read a song with no capitals. Now, onto the critique.
| Quote: |
shes looks outside her window,
hoping to the sun again.
but the closest she will ever get,
is the flame on the end of her cigarette. |
I think I get what you're syaing here, but it doesn't really make sense. I think this is better:
She looks outside her window,
Hoping to see the sun again.
But the closest she will ever get,
I the flame on the end of her cigarette.
That said, I really liked that last line.
| Quote: |
| and how no on shes bringing her a rose. |
I think you mean,
And how no one's bringing her a rose.
| Quote: |
so why are they afarid of what they dont know?
and how can they understand?
because when im around her i seem to glow.
something truly unknown to most man. |
Is this part of the chorus? Because I got very confused. It's got the same sort of beat as the chorus, but underneath it you say chorus.
| Quote: |
shes the only one that needs to know.
i dont have to pretend.
shes looks outside her window,
hoping to the sun again. |
She's the only one that needs to know,
I don't have to pretend.
She looks outside her window,
Hoping to see the sun again.
I liked what you were trying to say, but there were a lot of mistakes that got in the way of you being able to say it. First of all, capitalize, thn read through it carefully and make adjustments, and it'll be much better.
Hope i helped and good luck! |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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