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Half-Blood Ch.2
Half-Blood Ch.2

by Kaylyn in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on May 14, 2008
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Pure Prolouge
Pure Chapter 2

Pure Chapter 1
Topic ID: 30211
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Heart of Broken Glass   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:09 pm    Post subject: Pure Chapter 1 Reply with quote

1. Sleeping

“Samantha Sampson, wake up this instant!” A loud crack filled the room as ruler met desk. The sleeping blonde girl woke up immediately as the teacher glared at her.

“Samantha, how many times have I told you there is no sleeping in my class!” the red haired teacher yelled with her hands on her hips.

“Sorry, Mrs. Green. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” She yawned as if to prove her point and snuck a glace at Mrs. Green’s face.

The anger was still there.

“Always have an excuse, eh, Samantha? And one that you use frequently. I think a four o'clock detention will teach you to stay awake.” She crossed her arms.

“Yes, Mrs. Green,” Samantha said dully, looking at a spot on her brown desk.

Mrs. Green returned to the front of the room and continued the lesson. Samantha put her neck in her hand and yawned again.

A paper airplane flew onto her desk.

She looked to the black haired boy three desks back, and four desks to the right.

He mouthed 'open it' to her and smiled.

“What happened this time where you didn’t get enough sleep? Chased by a cloaked man?”

She could hear the laugher in his voice without him even talking out loud.

She quickly wrote a response and crumpled it up and threw it back while Mrs. Green was writing on the board.

“I’ll tell you about it later.”

The bell rang and she jumped out of her seat with her books already in her bag.

“Samantha, wait up!”

She stopped outside the door and waited for her friend to catch up.

“Thank you,” he said when they started walking again. “But I was right? No way! You have to tell me about it!”

“Not now, there are too many people around and I don’t want the whole school knowing about it. Sorry Gavin,” she said looking straight ahead.

“Aw, come on. No one pays attention to anything else but his or her own conversations,” he whined.

“Oh yeah, because everyone in a private school loves not listening for gossip,” she said sarcastically.

“Fine, but I want an explanation after school when we do our homework.”

“I wish you wouldn’t,” Samantha said in a singsong voice.

“Why, is it that bad?”

“Worse,” she mumbled.

“Oh,” he said. “Well, what do you have now?”

“Physical education, and on the day I can hardly stay on my feet.”

“Well, I understand why you fall asleep in 3rd period English, Mrs. Green is so boring. I almost fell asleep myself.” He laughed and she stepped away.

“My class bores you to sleeping, eh, Mr. Valcour?” a stern voice said from behind him.

He cringed and ducked his head as he turned around.

“N-No M-Mrs. Green,” he stuttered.

“Well, let’s just have you join Ms. Sampson here after school until four. Maybe you’ll learn my class is not nap time,” she yelled, glaring down at him.

“Y-Yes Mrs. Green.”

She walked past him, the ever-present scowl on her face.

Samantha walked back over to her friend, a smirk on her face.

“Thank you, Gavie. I am now not the only one to serve under Mrs. Green’s wrath.”

“Oh be quiet. My parents are going to kill me. I’ve never had a detention before.”

“By before, I assume you mean only this year, correct?” she laughed. Then yawned again.

“Sammy, maybe you should go to the infirmary. The nurse will let you lie down and skip P.E. I’ve done it before and have seen kids do it before.”

“ I don’t know. Do you ever get caught?” Samantha asked. She had never gotten in trouble for ditching a class before because, well, she’d never done it before. And she wasn’t really about to start.

“Never, if a teacher comes in, you moan and they think your sick. It really works.” He smiled.

“What if Mrs. Green walks in? What about then? She already knows I’m not sick, just tired.”

“Then just tell her you got sick during P.E. You caught the flu from someone in the class. Something, just make sure it’s good.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked.

“Thanks, Gavin. That’s real helpful,” I said sarcastically.

“Hey, you asked for help, and I gave it to,” he said shrugging.

“I did not! And it’s not really helpful if I can get caught by Mrs. Green.”

“You won’t get caught if you just do what I said,” he insisted.

“Yeah, well I think I’d rather try my chances at falling over ever ten seconds from sleep in P.E. It’s probably a lot safer.”

“Yeah, and if you pass out, you get brought to the infirmary anyway. Good plan. Why didn’t I think of that?”

“It’s not a plan. It’s you twisting my words into whatever you want. Now get to your own class.” She turned into the girls’ locker room and went straight to the corner with her locker.

Samantha never enjoyed getting changed in front of other girls. She found it embarrassing that they were all so chesty and she was so flat.

When she was done, she hurried out to the gym. They were playing co-ed volleyball today.

After class, she had wound up missing the ball by at least two feet seven times, got hit in the head three times, and had fallen a good sixteen times.

**************

“So, how was gym?” Gavin asked after he met up with her at lunch.

“Do I really need to say it?” She groaned.

“Oh, that bad?”

“And worse. I missed the ball nearly every time it came to me and even if I hit it it only went two feet. Not to mention my skull that has three huge bumps and the headache.”

“There’s another reason to go to the nurse. She’ll give you an icepack and let you lay down for a while. The Three Fates are trying to get you to go to the nurse, Samantha.”

“Oh don’t tell me you believe that hullabaloo Mr. Smith was telling us? It’s just a Greek myth, and nothing more!” She rolled her eyes.

“Says you,” he scoffed. “But seriously Samantha. It’s not healthy to be doing this. You’re actually getting snippy at me. And that’s not like you at all. It’s worrying me.”

Samantha stayed quiet.

As they walked through the lunch line with their trays she could feel something weird happening.

It was as if someone was slowly dimming the lights and that the sounds were all being muffled. She couldn’t understand what was happening.

Gavin was screaming her name. She wasn’t answering.

The clamor of all the yells and gasps rang throughout the cafeteria.

“Samantha! Quick! Someone get the nurse!”



Last edited by Heart of Broken Glass on Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:34 pm; edited 3 times in total
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OrangeNailpolish   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 6:31 pm    Post subject: Re: Pure Reply with quote

Heart of Broken Glass wrote:
“Samantha Sampson, wake up this instant!”

A loud crack filled the room as ruler met desk. The sleeping blonde girl woke up immediately as the teacher glared at her.

It seems that the second paragraph has to do with the teacher yelling at Samantha. It should really be one paragraph.

Heart of Broken Glass wrote:
He mouthed open it to her and smiled.

The term "open it" should be quoted or italicized because he communicated it to her.

Heart of Broken Glass wrote:
He laughed and I stepped away.

Is this story written in third or first person?

Heart of Broken Glass wrote:
“Hey, you asked for help, and I gave it to,” he said shrugging.

When Gavin said "I gave it to," what was he talking about? was he saying "I gave it to you." ?

Heart of Broken Glass wrote:
Shannon never enjoyed getting changed in front of other girls. She found it embarrassing that they were all so chesty and she was so flat.

Who is Shannon? I thought the main character was Samantha!
-----
It's a good start. A few things though:
There is no need for so many paragraphs, some of the details can go with the dialogue. Which brings me to another thing, there was a lot of dialogue in the first chapter. I would recommend putting in some details. We know that they go to a private school, so put some detail in it. Is the school a brick castle or a modern building? What do their uniforms look like? Are the halls smelly or small? As a visual reader, I like to see what the rooms they go into are like, etc.

I'm very excited about the next part, does the story have something to do with Greek Mythology?

~ON~
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SeptemberRain   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with OrangeNailpolish. You have a lot of dialouge in this chapter. I would like to see more of what everything looks like.

Can't wait for the next chapter! I really want to know what happens!!
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 8:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with orange nail polish as well, but it was kinda weird to read. The sentences were spread apart alot and there was un usage in paragraphs, i liked the story though.
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silently loud   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the story too. And I agree with OrangeNailpolish. I'm looking forward for the next part. Smile
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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 3:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah I agree with OrangeNailPolish also.

And I think the story was good, though it would be better if there was more description in it.

Well keep it up!!

~Mandy~
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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just finished telling this to another writer: I don't like stories beginning in a classroom. It's too typical. This is just my opinion, of course, but I feel a different setting would make this more interesting.

As to your work, I thought it was okay. There was something not quite right with your dialogue... I didn't feel like actual people would talk like yours do. I don't know, I'm not making sense.

Perhaps more description, also? That would help a reader create a mental image.

Good luck with editing.

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Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heart,

That is, if you don’t mind me shortening the username. But, to the topic - your story, that is. As my current story starts in classroom also, I’m all for that setting, so much for objectivity, yes?

I’ll start out from what really stand out - that load of dialogue you have there. I’m not saying that dialogue is evil, quite the opposite, yet I want to caution you. Balance is needed everywhere. So, more details, and the story shall be better not only visual-wise. Elaborate, extend. Notice that now you have one-line paragraphs floating around, and almost only that - that can be easily taken care of with the details part.

Well, the cast is very promising, the possibilities unlimited. Makes me very curious as to how this will turn out…

Anything else? One tiny little thing… Spell out the number, e.g. write: ‘four’, instead of ‘4’.


Cheers,
Esme

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PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As pointed out by the previous posters, the amount of dialogue is simply too much for this one. I'd like to see more of how Gavin and Samantha interact with body movements. Still, a very, very interesting read. I wonder what happened to Samantha that caused her not to have much sleep. Wink Keep writing!
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