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by JFW1415 in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on May 14, 2008
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Future Stench
Topic ID: 30201
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ink_on_fire   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 9:18 am    Post subject: Future Stench Reply with quote

Evening seas will roll 

with our coming toxicity,

the red of blood swirling up onto our coasts.

New kings will arise 

with profound powers -



And we will marvel.



Orbits won’t hold our attention 

until the pull has done its work,

so beneath are we, flailing under our choking spiderwebs.

We will cry for the past 

and curse our denials,



And we will survive.



Horsemen will seep 

from the remaining dust and hunt

down those with no faith in the sky, their tails like a scorpions.

Suicide is a grasp of mercy 

the survivors shall not feel -



And we will cry.



But the river soaks our blood 

and there is no peace!

Two men outside the holy place, their words hurt our ears,

our prophet will kill them

and leave their rotting bodies -



And we will not bury them.



Our eyes shall rejoice 

and gifts shall come from our hands

for our conscience is stinking in our streets.

We - unforeseeing, for in three days 

their bodies rise from the dirt -



And we will fear.



All names taken care of, 

no soul without judgment shall withstand

the greatest earthquake, breaking our world into thirds.

The people will fall and eat the dust 

as hail beats them down -



And we will die.

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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 9:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, I can't decide, this seems original but the theme isn't really. I can't decide whether I like it or what. You've a nice structure, very good, but it just irks me, how the poem doesn't make me feel anything. I think you need to also use the five senses here, to put us inside the poem.

That is where this falls, the lack of emotion felt from readers. I can say anything other than using the narrator senses, don't just tell us, show us. Hate to be a killjoy.

Overall: It's got potential, just get some strong powerful emotion in it.

Good luck
VSN

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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 9:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Vernon Smile

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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 9:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ink_on_fire,


The opening two lines, as well as several others throughout, seem too forcibly "poetic" to my ear. "Toxicity" connotes a level of poison, a leak in the defenses, that isn't explored in the rest of the piece, and largely seems to be placed there solely for the intent of sounding nice. Some reconsiderations on your diction might go towards alleviating that feeling.

That aside, I think you cast your net too wide with this. You jump around from one apocalyptic event to the next. I think that, as a poetic reinterpretation of the Christian apocalypse, it skirts around any real analysis of the topic, instead opting to rehash what's already been said in other places (the Bible, Left Behind, or whatever). The problem is, ultimately, that setting aside a few adjectives and phrases here and there, this is basically just a list.

You could well make a series of poems about the apocalypse, each exploring the different events you've listed here in each strophe, and that might be better, but what I really think would make for a much, much more immanently readable and interesting experience for me would be an exploration of your personal connection to faith, language, religion, and even the apocalypse--tending away from, of course, the usual drivel.


Best,
Brad

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This thread was created on May 14, 2008

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