Topic ID: 29020
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Heart of Broken Glass
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 08 May 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 3
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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Wow, that was amazing. It has me hungry for more! I think amazing how you have the connection between Chester and Sarah. It makes me wonder if there is going to be some sort of an affair between them or not. If so, I think it would be really cool. It just screams out to me that they sould be together. And I'm almost sure my friend would agree if she read this. I'll have to suggest it to her.
Signed Always,
Heart of Broken Glass |
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enzoguy15
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 15 May 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 0
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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hester Matheson. I quite like the name. And I like the way you describe him. Nothing stupid and cliche about it. It's also interesting looking at him from another's point of view, a good contrast from the prologue.
Ah, critiques can be tiresome, can't they? I'm awful at pointing at mistakes in writing that I like. An unpleasant necessity that I would do better not to avoid.
The previous review took care of technical mistakes, so let us focus on the story. With reference to the prologue it is apparent that Sarah will become friends with the mysterious, emaciated boy. A word I like. Or at least I think its apparent. I suppose I could be wrong. Anyway, I don't really like the girl much. I think, even in this short chapter, that you could make her much more intriguing and unique. Since she is so focused on Chester perhaps we could go a little deeper into her thoughts...what does she care about? What is it about Chester that attracts her? Of course she is curious about him, but what else might she wonder about when she looks at him? Can she see something in his eyes that other people simply aren't looking for?
Talk about what the other girls look like. Does Sarah like them? Is she annoyed by them? Does she get annoyed easily? Also, describe Sarah. Not just what she looks like but what she thinks of what she looks like. Something that is important in first person accounts. Does she like the way she looks, or does she hate it?
I have a certain aversion to highschools but that doesn't mean that can't be interesting or good bases for a story. All you need to do is go deeper into description. What does the school look like, feel like, seem like? How does she see it? Does she glance down at her desk and see someone has scraped a word that she doesn't understand on its possibly dirty surface? All these random details are important.
And now to the end. I see no problem with the end, only the way its described. I think if Sarah is better developed, like I suggested above, her feelings on the look in his eyes will mean more. I cannot suggest a better way to describe it, since I don't know Sarah well enough to know how she might be affected by his terror. And so the real solution to the ending is in the rest of the story. As soon as you have Sarah better developed you will know exactly how to write that last sentence.
I hope this helps and I very much like the idea. I can't wait to find out what happens to Chester and I can't wait to know Sarah well enough that I care what happens to her.
PM me if you have any comments on this critique. I wouldn't be surprised if I had misunderstood something that I need to be further educated on. |
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Squishy
Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 69
Reviews: 21
987 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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it is slightly Twilight-esk, but the title helped me realize that he's not a vampire... i think... and that he might be a serial killer who kidnaps people and paintes with their blood.
thats what i got form the first chapter, but i don't knwo if that's what your going for.
good job though... make sure you tell your readers your shifting locations though because i was confused where she was the whole day. |
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Iya Ythmir
Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 05 May 2008
Posts: 60
Reviews: 39
Country: Niflheim
1317 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 5:48 am Post subject: |
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The errors I wanted to point out have already been posted so I don't have much to say here.
It's good and it has a really nice flow. I like the story, so far. 
By the way, I also disagree on the quote you posted. I don't think great writers actually steal.  |
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