Topic ID: 29937
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
LoveMeForever
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 0
Country: USA
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: Standing Still |
 |
|
Standing still, wondering if it’s life or death.
Hoping a lot, on every single breath.
Wishing for peace, freedom, and happiness
Yet in so much pain from all the distress.
When will the Germans let him free?
But one may ask, will they ever be?
This boy, so innocent and young
Standing still, thinking am I going to be hung?
Standing Still, grasping the fence so tight,
Hoping that he will be alright.
Wishing for acceptance and relief
Yet wondering if he will come out of this coma,
Of disbelief
When will he get the food he needs?
But when will he get the bandages for when he bleeds?
This boy, so tender and sweet
Standing still, waiting to defeat.
I know many of the letters are not supposed to be capitalized =]
thanks |
_________________
~Kayte~ |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
LoveMeForever
New Member
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 0
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is about a boy from the holocaust |
_________________
~Kayte~ |
|
| Back to top |
|
OverEasy
Your pizza is a dirty phone call...
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Posts: 681
Reviews: 108
Country: The Lovely Hills of BubbleYum!
332 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hello!
I just want to let you know that we ask that you do two reviews before posting your own work. We like to keep a 2:1 ratio of reviews to posts here on YWS.
Good Luck
OverEasy
PS If you would like to add or edit anything from your post please hit the edit button, do not double post  |
_________________
If I can write one line of one story that touches someone in some way. Then my one dream in life has come true. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Tamora
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 201
Reviews: 48
Country: the land of Kiwis!! NZ!
472 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is very good, and I loved reading it. But there are a few things that I want to point out that need to be changed.
| Quote: |
Standing still, wondering if it’s life or death.
Hoping a lot, on every single breath. |
This makes no sense, and sounds like a little kid's talk. It detracts from the tone of the whole prose and makes the reader think that you have no sense of grammar or use of language, which I'm sure is not true. Think of using something that is more metaphorica and tones in with the feelng of the poem. Hoping alot is not grammatically correct either, try someting that is.
| Quote: |
Wishing for peace, freedom, and happiness
Yet in so much pain from all the distress. You need ot work on the rythm of your |
verses, when you use rhyme, then you need to keep some sort of uniformity of rythm. also the second line does not portray the true feelings of what you're saying, it's another example of the lack of strength and power that the theme of the of the poem is trying to portray.
| Quote: |
When will the Germans let him free?
But one may ask, will they ever be? |
thgis is good, and one of the examples of the feelings that you're trying to portray, but it still could have more power.
| Quote: |
This boy, so innocent and young
Standing still, thinking am I going to be hung? |
note: the germans did not hang their victims, they gased them, or shot. If they were hung, it was not common, and if you want your reader to understand it and keep involved, then keep it so the reader understands and doesn't question what you say.
| Quote: |
Standing Still, grasping the fence so tight,
Hoping that he will be alright. |
This is fine.
| Quote: |
Wishing for acceptance and relief
Yet wondering if he will come out of this coma,
Of disbelief |
I like this bit, although the punctuation may need changing, that break increases the tension, and helps inhance the tone of the prose, well done.
| Quote: |
When will he get the food he needs?
But when will he get the bandages for when he bleeds? |
Try changing "but" to "and, or just leave it our altogether, but doesn't make sense.
| Quote: |
This boy, so tender and sweet
Standing still, waiting to defeat. |
"to" doesn't make sense, it implies that he is going to defeat somone, not going to be defeated. you need to change it.
Overall impression:
You have a very serious subject here, so you need to show the seriousness and tension and true feelings. This strength is not shown, and it needs to be. I'm afraid it was a little disappointing, and I didn'
t quite feel what you're trying to say. I'm not even sure who'soint of view you're talking from. You need to clarify that. I do like the ideas, they have strength by themselves, but if you can't show them through your writng then your reader is not going to be impressed by it and won't be able to take that theme in. You need to add more discription, you've stated the ideas, but you haven't shown us what they really feel like. That is what brings that required strength to your piece.
Remember, what the reader feels is the most imortant part of your writing, f you can't get them to feel what you feel about the piece you are writing, then you havn't succeeded. Listen to what people have to say to you about it, and no matter how harsh it may sound, the readers' views are the most important thing. |
_________________
It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink.
- Terry Pratchett, "Monstrous Regiment" |
|
| Back to top |
|
ChildofEden
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 30 Apr 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 23
Country: United States
616 Points
|
| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Mind if I take a crack at it? Thank you!
I really think this could have been a spectacular piece if it didn't sound like you didn't mean for it sound so childlike. Am I making sense? Basically, I don't really feel it was your intention to make it sound like it was through a child's voice. It feels like you just put words that rhymed together!
Maybe if you rewrote it in first person, a child's perspective, perhaps? It's be really cool.
Cheers!
~Eden |
_________________
The Future Belongs To Those Who Believe In The Beauty Of Their Dreams. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt |
|
| Back to top |
|
zoeybird13024
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Mar 2008
Posts: 88
Reviews: 54
Country: United States
303 Points
|
| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| note: the germans did not hang their victims, they gased them, or shot. If they were hung, it was not common, and if you want your reader to understand it and keep involved, then keep it so the reader understands and doesn't question what you say. |
Actually, I've read several accounts of the Nazis hanging their victims. Though gasing them and shooting them were much more common, they were infamous for other forms of torture (half I wouldn't feel comfortable saying here). There was a gallows built in...Auschwitz, was it? Either that or Dachau. I believe it was one of the bigger ones. It might've even been Chlemno. And I probably spelled that wrong...
Other than that, all of my nitpicks have been hinted at or said. I do have to complain about the flow, though. It messed up the story, so I had to keep rereading it (which was annoying). Try keeping the lines each the same length, leaving out some words or even adding more, so that the rhythm and flow are consistent. Hope I helped!
-x-Ashes |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
thanatosdeath
Junior Writer
Age: 13
Joined: 14 May 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 4
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
Sheesh. Seems like Tamora pretty much covered everthing huh? So I guess you'll just have to listen to her...I like it...A lot...Seeing I love negative vibes and everythings, but don't get me wrong you know...
Ayways...
Death |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
